Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

And so it has begun and the sibling is still in utero

Just some background...SD is in the smallest bedroom. Our 3rd room, the guestroom, is going to be the nursery. It's a much bigger room. SD likes to hang in there with her friends. I knew she would want that room but there is just not enough room in her bedroom for the baby and all the stuff that comes along with it. Additionally, I don't feel that I should have to stuff the baby in a tiny room and SD have a huge room when she sleeps over 4x a month.

Of course, the first question out of her mouth after we told her I was pg was about the room. DH explained to her that with the crib, rocker, changer, dresser, etc. the baby had to go in the 3rd room. She seemed to understand.

Then I went into her BR and I see on her easel that she wrote all this horrible stuff about having a new brother or sister and that "stupid thing" gets the bigger bedroom and so forth. It made me sick.

DH "confronted" her last night and she basically told him that it's too bad we were hurt by that, that's how she feels and she should be able to express it however she wants. DH said "ok" and then came home to tell me that we should respect her feelings and just accept it.

Um...no. I do not need that negative, jealous and selfish attitude around me and it's certainly not going to be tolerated around the baby. Yes, she has every right to feel the way she does but I don't need to see it in print every time I walk into her room. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate it if I did the same and guised it under "I'm expressing my feelings and I have the right to do that".

I'm not sure who I'm more annoyed with, her or DH. She should have been put in her place. DH felt that he needs to handle the situation delicately and he didn't want to further upset her by letting her know that was wrong. WHAT? Just because she's in an insecure place does not mean she should get a free pass to act however she wants! She should certainly be reassured but she also needs to be reprimanded.

And for God's sake, why can't she write in one of the 10 diaries she has!

I'm so upset. She's too old to be acting like such a brat. And is a sign of things to come? Is DH always going to be a doormat to not only her but to my kid? Am I always going to be the bad guy? This is so unfair. I'm just so frustrated.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

First off I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I really am. First time Mothers need to feel joy, not heartache.

However, just try for ONE moment to put yourself in your SD's shoes. That has helped me tremendously. Also, keep in mind that even BIO siblings feel jealousy when a new baby arrives.

This is just advice you don't have to take it. Sit your SD down and tell her you can't imagine how she feels having to give up something. Instead, explain to her babies need more stuff and remind her (even if it KILLS YOU) about when she was born and what she had. Them INCLUDE her on plans. Ask her opinion about colors for the new room or furniture.

When DH and I got a bigger and new place, I approached my SDs on what color they wanted for their room. They looked at me in shock, like I was asking. I told them it's their room and they should have some say.

I realized how powerless and left out they might feel and now they are so freaking excited! I mean, as much as we are suppose not feel normal to an abnormal situation..they feel that too.

Step is hard. But with a little compassion and honesty, it could be easier.

Your SD should be able to feel what she wants. I know it sucks. I really do. But I encourage my SDs to tell me what they feel and have their feelings. Then we discuss why they have those feelings. I don't blame them, really. And because of this, we have a good relationship.


Good luck!

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

at least she is expressing her feelings.
you have time to deal with it before the baby is born i assume (idk i didnt look at your due date) maybe you can do something for her like make her room more special.
my step son and I have always been close. now hes a teen and wants nothing to do with me and gives me extream attitude and jealousy. it makes me sad.
stay calm and try to put yourself in their shoes. thats how i dont cry my head off when he speaks to me the way he does.

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

how old is your SD? While I understand what PPs are saying about her being entitled to her feelings, yes, she has the right to feel how she feels but to write mean things on a blackboard for you and DH to see in my opinon should not be acceptable, what happens the next time she doesn't like something or doesn't agree with something you or DH say or do, is it going to be okay for her to behave that way? I agree in letting her decorate her own room, etc. that may help her to feel better and feel like her room is her own, was her room the bigger one and now she is moving or was the smaller room always her room?

Normal family situations such as this are always harder when there are stepchildren involved

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

Thanks for the advice ladies.

The real solution to the problem is going to be DH and I getting on the same page and presenting as a united front. That would be helpful. But first we need to get to that place and I'm not really sure how that's going to pan out. I guess we will see what happens.

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

Posted by Lucky2008

how old is your SD? While I understand what PPs are saying about her being entitled to her feelings, yes, she has the right to feel how she feels but to write mean things on a blackboard for you and DH to see in my opinon should not be acceptable, what happens the next time she doesn't like something or doesn't agree with something you or DH say or do, is it going to be okay for her to behave that way? I agree in letting her decorate her own room, etc. that may help her to feel better and feel like her room is her own, was her room the bigger one and now she is moving or was the smaller room always her room?

Normal family situations such as this are always harder when there are stepchildren involved

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

Posted by FirstMate

Posted by Lucky2008

how old is your SD? While I understand what PPs are saying about her being entitled to her feelings, yes, she has the right to feel how she feels but to write mean things on a blackboard for you and DH to see in my opinon should not be acceptable, what happens the next time she doesn't like something or doesn't agree with something you or DH say or do, is it going to be okay for her to behave that way? I agree in letting her decorate her own room, etc. that may help her to feel better and feel like her room is her own, was her room the bigger one and now she is moving or was the smaller room always her room?

Normal family situations such as this are always harder when there are stepchildren involved

She's going to be 12.

And this is what is making me nuts. She's too old to be acting like this. NOTHING is being taken away from her. The room she is in now has always been her room. We redecorated the whole thing last spring. She's just a spoiled brat who needs to get her way all the time (created by DH by the way).

I said the same thing about her behavior. He needed to let her know it was unacceptable and once again, he failed to do that.

Message edited 3/15/2011 4:48:08 PM.

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

Posted by Lucky2008

Posted by FirstMate

Posted by Lucky2008

how old is your SD? While I understand what PPs are saying about her being entitled to her feelings, yes, she has the right to feel how she feels but to write mean things on a blackboard for you and DH to see in my opinon should not be acceptable, what happens the next time she doesn't like something or doesn't agree with something you or DH say or do, is it going to be okay for her to behave that way? I agree in letting her decorate her own room, etc. that may help her to feel better and feel like her room is her own, was her room the bigger one and now she is moving or was the smaller room always her room?

Normal family situations such as this are always harder when there are stepchildren involved

She's going to be 12.

And this is what is making me nuts. She's too old to be acting like this. NOTHING is being taken away from her. The room she is in now has always been her room. We redecorated the whole thing last spring. She's just a spoiled brat who needs to get her way all the time (created by DH by the way).

I said the same thing about her behavior. He needed to let her know it was unacceptable and once again, he failed to do that.

ok 12 is definitely too old to be acting that way, I thought you were going to tell me she was 6! and the fact that she isn't even giving anything up tells me it is just plain jealousy. sounds very much like my SD, she has acted that same way many times (only she left the nasty things she wrote about me on a paper on her bed for me to see) and if it's not addressed by you and DH together meaning if you are not on the same page as a united front and he continues to ignore it - it will get worse before it gets any better. My situation w/Dh and SD is living proof of that

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

well, my SD wrote some pretty nasty things about me, we don't have any children together yet but I could totally understand how upset you are about what she wrote about your DC - that would really upset me the most, I could handle myself, but to feel that way about a new sibling is sad.

to answer your question, my DH never has backed me up or been on the same page as me, he too let SD get away with a lot, I am not just talking normal kid stuff, things got pretty bad at one point, not just with me, with his relationship with her as well, her not being able to handle anyone telling her she can't do something or "no" or "you need to pull your grades up" all of that. but as far as when she would do disrespectful things to me, he wouldn't say anything, and then he would let a lot of time go by and when I would say we need to talk as a family to work through this he would tell me "you want to bring this stuff up now? that happened months ago, I can't punish her now for something that happened a long time ago" etc, and so that was his way of sweeping it under the carpet and I am talking about her stealing things from us and snooping through our personal belongings, etc. Sorry I went on and on.....but I wish I could tell you something more encouraging, but in your case there is going to be a new member of the family and she is going to have to adjust, the same as everyone else will so your DH needs to think about everyone involved including your new baby

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

Thanks. It really stinks and it is such a hard situation to be in for everyone. I talked with DH last night and we worked some things out. I just hope there is follow through with it. He seemed perceptive though. So hopefully

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

Hmm...I can totally understand how her actions would upset you but really, she is just a child. Of course, if you wrote the same about her it would be absurd because you're an Adult and that would be absolutely wrong. Just put it into perspective, she is a jealous, insecure 12 y/o brat - they all are at that age and they all do evil little things at that age - stepchildren or not. Show her what it is like to be a mature woman and not respond to such immature things - lead by example. I would simply look at her easel and giggle in front of her and make a joke out of it, letting her know that she is NOT getting the reaction she is looking for. She's looking to let you know how hurt, betrayed, jealous she feels in a completely immature way and by reacting in the manner that you are, you're giving her exactly what she wants and teaching her that she succeeded, she should continue to act this way. Laugh it off, you're a grown woman. Don't let these little things bother you. Honestly, who cares what she thinks or if she feels she should have that room. It's not her choice to make, she doesn't pay the bills. Your home, your choice. Don't let her make you all dramatic about it. Just my 2 cents. I have learned after YEARS of letting things bother me that I don't need to respond, I just need to worry about my needs and wants first and everything else will fall into place.

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

When we told DS and SD that I was pregnant my son was happy and SD (11y/o) cried and screamed for an hour. She yelled "I'm supposed to be #1!" As much as it bothered me I just tried to brush it off. I figured I would just add fuel to her fire. DS then got really upset and jealous when the baby got here but SD was very welcoming. 16 months later they're both loving and spoiling DD.

My point is, try to ignore her actions as hard as it is b/c when the baby gets here her behavior will change even if it takes a while. In the mean time is there another place that she can hang out with her friends? Like basement or family room that she can use instead?

Re: Sibling jealousy issues - how to handle (long)

"And this is what is making me nuts. She's too old to be acting like this. NOTHING is being taken away from her."



I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I have not been in the exact situation, so I can't claim to understand how you feel. BUT, there is something being taken away from her- is she an only child? After your baby comes, she will have to share her father's attention and love. Even though parents can obviously love more than one child, it may not be clear to her, and she may feel like she won't matter in the family anymore. Tweens can be very rude and obnoxious, and may not express themselves well. But here is a chance for you to model mature behavior and not sink to her level.