Re: life is a real mess

Posted by jellybean78

Posted by Lillies

It has totally put me in a really dark place a few times. I can only pray that I see the light at the end of this tunnel. I know I have a DS already but secondary IF is just as painful, esp when a little 7 year old is praying every night for a little brother or saving his toys for his little brother. Just breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty for having a broken body.
I am so lucky for having such a selfless husband. Poor guy will do anything to get us this baby. I can't wait to have that moment when we know it's for real!

You are me!! I feel the same way..I'm so blessed to have a beautiful DD but the fact that she wants a little brother and is constantly asking tears me apart. For me the secondary IF has been worse primarily because of my recurrent M/Cs.

To the OP: Yes IF has brought me to some really dark places..deep depression and anxiety. Hang in there. It will happen

Re: life is a real mess

Posted by 08BabySurprise

Posted by jellybean78

Posted by Lillies

It has totally put me in a really dark place a few times. I can only pray that I see the light at the end of this tunnel. I know I have a DS already but secondary IF is just as painful, esp when a little 7 year old is praying every night for a little brother or saving his toys for his little brother. Just breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty for having a broken body.
I am so lucky for having such a selfless husband. Poor guy will do anything to get us this baby. I can't wait to have that moment when we know it's for real!

You are me!! I feel the same way..I'm so blessed to have a beautiful DD but the fact that she wants a little brother and is constantly asking tears me apart. For me the secondary IF has been worse primarily because of my recurrent M/Cs.

To the OP: Yes IF has brought me to some really dark places..deep depression and anxiety. Hang in there. It will happen

I could have written this word for word. Secondary infertility has broken me mentally and physically. My son turns six in less than 2 weeks and he keeps telling us all he wants for his birthday is a little brother. I go to bed every single night in tears hating my body and myself.

Re: life is a real mess

Posted by 08BabySurprise

Posted by jellybean78

Posted by Lillies

It has totally put me in a really dark place a few times. I can only pray that I see the light at the end of this tunnel. I know I have a DS already but secondary IF is just as painful, esp when a little 7 year old is praying every night for a little brother or saving his toys for his little brother. Just breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty for having a broken body.
I am so lucky for having such a selfless husband. Poor guy will do anything to get us this baby. I can't wait to have that moment when we know it's for real!

You are me!! I feel the same way..I'm so blessed to have a beautiful DD but the fact that she wants a little brother and is constantly asking tears me apart. For me the secondary IF has been worse primarily because of my recurrent M/Cs.

To the OP: Yes IF has brought me to some really dark places..deep depression and anxiety. Hang in there. It will happen

I could have written this word for word. Secondary infertility has broken me mentally and physically. My son turns six in less than 2 weeks and he keeps telling us all he wants for his birthday is a little brother. I go to bed every single night in tears hating my body and myself.

Re: life is a real mess

Posted by MrsB612

I'm usually the type of person that lets people's stupid comments roll off my shoulder - but while going through this journey I've just come to the conclusion that people are 'ignorant'. I know that sounds mean, but I'm surrounded by a lot of smart and well rounded individuals yet their comments have always stopped me in my tracks.

When I first came clean to a friend about being worried how I was going to schedule all these fertility appts around work since it's so hard to take off and maybe I should tell my boss bc it's an understandable situation, she told me "I don't know about that, it's not like you have a real disease. It's not like it's cancer".

Then I had another friend who accidentally got pregnant, I was super supportive, very involoved throughout her pregnancy - when she went for her gender scan and found out she was having a boy she had a complete meltdown. She already has a DD and really wanted another. She would call/email/text me complaining how she was so upset (even cried about it) she told me she looked it up and this disappointment is real and some moms get depressed. I got so frustrated she wouldn't drop it and was being such a brat that I told her "at least the baby is healthy, now you have a girl and boy, which many people don't have". I didn't want to be mean to her but she knew what I was going through yet that didn't stop her from complaining for almost 2 weeks straight while I was going through IUIs.

Nobody understands this pain/frustration/sadness the way we do. It takes a toll on your health, sanity, marriage, bank account - one of the most difficult things I've ever encountered. I'm blessed to have an understanding DH who has the patience of a saint - but sometimes I really do test his patience.

I can't even say that educating those around you helps that much - I tried that with DH's immediate family - that backfired bc they all gossiped about it with aunts, cousins, etc etc - it's not something I am ashamed of by any means but don't make my struggle your topic of gossip for the day.

Hang in there, keep your eye on the prize and know that all this pain will eventually be worth it in the end.

Re: life is a real mess

Yessss!!!!!

Image Attachment(s):

Message edited 2/28/2014 3:54:25 PM.

Re: life is a real mess

Re: life is a real mess

Posted by 08BabySurprise

Posted by jellybean78

Posted by Lillies

It has totally put me in a really dark place a few times. I can only pray that I see the light at the end of this tunnel. I know I have a DS already but secondary IF is just as painful, esp when a little 7 year old is praying every night for a little brother or saving his toys for his little brother. Just breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty for having a broken body.
I am so lucky for having such a selfless husband. Poor guy will do anything to get us this baby. I can't wait to have that moment when we know it's for real!

You are me!! I feel the same way..I'm so blessed to have a beautiful DD but the fact that she wants a little brother and is constantly asking tears me apart. For me the secondary IF has been worse primarily because of my recurrent M/Cs.

To the OP: Yes IF has brought me to some really dark places..deep depression and anxiety. Hang in there. It will happen

I could have written this word for word. Secondary infertility has broken me mentally and physically. My son turns six in less than 2 weeks and he keeps telling us all he wants for his birthday is a little brother. I go to bed every single night in tears hating my body and myself.

Message edited 2/28/2014 6:27:26 PM.

Re: life is a real mess

Posted by TooSoontoTell

Posted by 08BabySurprise

Posted by jellybean78

Posted by Lillies

It has totally put me in a really dark place a few times. I can only pray that I see the light at the end of this tunnel. I know I have a DS already but secondary IF is just as painful, esp when a little 7 year old is praying every night for a little brother or saving his toys for his little brother. Just breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty for having a broken body.
I am so lucky for having such a selfless husband. Poor guy will do anything to get us this baby. I can't wait to have that moment when we know it's for real!

You are me!! I feel the same way..I'm so blessed to have a beautiful DD but the fact that she wants a little brother and is constantly asking tears me apart. For me the secondary IF has been worse primarily because of my recurrent M/Cs.

To the OP: Yes IF has brought me to some really dark places..deep depression and anxiety. Hang in there. It will happen

I could have written this word for word. Secondary infertility has broken me mentally and physically. My son turns six in less than 2 weeks and he keeps telling us all he wants for his birthday is a little brother. I go to bed every single night in tears hating my body and myself.

i also have a child who still asks for a sibling.tells us we need to 'get married' again so we can have another baby. Sees others with babies and questions how they "got" a baby. It is absolutely crushing to me to think i may never be able to provide that. says i would share with a brother or sister, i would be kind (its all true). things that should seem happy sometimes now seem sad b/c i know my child is yearning for a younger sibling to show love to . i almost find sometimes it effects our relationships with other families b/c they have other kids and they don't "need" my kid to come play. or they don't bother with us b/c they have other children and we don't have enough children to buddy up with theirs. i ask if its in my head but i don't think it is.

life is a real mess

Yes. I have been in that place. I am blessed to have received a miracle. But, it just doesn't wipe away the pain of going through round after round of IVF. I still get disappointed at myself when a friend is pregnant or says oh I will get pregnant by June and BAM it happens for them. I am also worried about TTC DC#2. I pray everyday to give my DD a lil' sibling. My scars are no way gone but have faded slightly and I mean slightly.

I promised myself and God that I would be a voice for other couples going through this. I plan on it and have done my own little things through social media. IF anyone wants to chat or DH wants to chat please lmk! I think the best thing I learned is that I can share it with my family and friends (not co-workers because they are A#$ hats...but hey)

I wish peace internally for all of you.

life is a real mess

I don't even know how to really respond to this. Some days I feel like myself and other days I have no idea who I am. This experience has changed me forever. I will never forget this type of pain. The only thing I can compare it to is death. Nobody should have to go through this. 2013 was really the worst year of my life and I'm hoping for a better 2014.

As for DH and I, I actually shield him from a lot of this. I feel like if I overwhelm him with all of this and my crazy thoughts about it,he will just be like enough of this already. He has been very good but doesn't worry like I do and believes it will all be fine. He thinks this is crazy to go through with no guarantees. If we have to pay fully OOP I know he won't wanna continue. I don't even tell him how much this all costs. I just pay it. Last IVF was 5k....and he didnt even ask how much it was. If this IVF doesn't work IDK how I'm gonna pull 13k out of my a$$.

I know you are having a rough time. I'm hoping everything works out for you. You are in my thoughts.

Thing have to get better! We need good vibes on this board!

Re: life is a real mess

Thank you everyone this truly is the only place that understands. Trying my 3rd therapist next week. Hopefully she will be a little more comforting than the last two

Re: life is a real mess

I'm grateful that my family ,friends and some of my close colleagues have been supportive through all of this. Although many of them are pregnant and they tend to walk on egg shells around me at times. Which is fine bc at times, the pain is overwhelming and the jealousy comes out. I'm first to admit it.

My SO has been supportive but I tend to shield him and take it all on myself- just because he really doesn't get it. How could he? I know he's going through this mentally and emotionally but not the physical part and that's what's just as hard. The uncontrollable weight gain, the mood swings, crying for no reason, the snippiness. I have really skinny legs and my weight gain is in my Buddha so it looks like I'm pregnant. How ironic.

I left him home and went o the city this weekend for my dr appts bc I'd rather just deal myself.

I am grateful for all of you on here bc I come on here often to get some relief etc because you all know exactly how I feel and what I'm going through. XO