Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Please don't quote.

So, my cousin is getting married just about 2 months after my due date. This is her second wedding. The first one was a huge production and a very large bridal party (over 10 bridesmaids) and then unfortunately the marriage only lasted 9 months. I spent a LOT of money between engagement party, shower, bachelorette, dress, alterations, shoes, gifts, etc.

When she first got engaged, a few months ago, she asked my DD to be the flower girl. She will be 25 months at the time. That's fine with me. I'm excited to see her all dressed up. Cuz explained that she wasn't going to have a large bridal party again and wouldn't be asking me. I thanked her and said with two mortgages (we bought a house when DD was born and are trying to sell my coop) money is really tight. I hadn't told my family yet about the pregnancy.

A few weeks ago she texted asked me not to hate her but she wants me to be in the wedding now because her FH asked 9 of his friends to be groomsmen! And she wants me to walk DD down the aisle. So I was forced to tell her (and the entire family) about the pregnancy earlier than I wanted. I told her I'd be due 2 months before and there's no way I'll be able to try on bridesmaids dresses and so I can't be in it. I thought that would be enough. (Even though telling her I'm struggling financially wasn't enough in the first place). She said not to worry, I can buy a dress in the same color, whatever dress I want. I have no idea what color the dresses are going to be, I don't think she has picked them out yet. I told her that's not the only thing, I'm very plus sized and who knows how big I'll get and how long I'll stay there... And it's hard to find any kind of dress that will be flattering or even just fit and zip up!

I tried telling her twice that I wouldn't be able to be in it and she keeps pooh poohing me, saying that I can buy whatever dress I want. But it's not just that.

But I remember the whole first month after DD I was a mess. I was failing at BFing and pumping was making me miserable. My stitches hurt like hell for three weeks (episiotomy and 2nd degree tear) and I only left the house to take DD to the ped or to go to the OB because I had mastitis in both boobs after a week of nursing. I was super depressed and exhausted. I don't want to be in a wedding with giant leaky boobs and nursing / pumping and trying to chase after a 2 year old and take care of a 2 month old. I don't even know if I'll have the baby there, it will be way too loud for a 2 month old! Between all the pictures and hair and makeup crap that the bridal party has to do, I'll never fit in pumping / nursing.

If you have made it this far, before I tell her in no uncertain terms that NO, I will not be in her wedding this time, (which will be really hard for me, I suck at saying no and have already tried to tell her no twice), am I being selfish? Should I suck it up and agree to it, even though I have no idea if I'll find a suitable dress in that color? Or if I'll be a wreck like I felt last time? If you had a C section, how long did it take for you to feel better?

Thanks for any advice.

Re: Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

No you are not being selfish.

You need to learn how to say no - it's really OK! Just say that given your experience last time you know it will probably be difficult and you can't do it, but look forward to seeing your DD as the flower girl.

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Ugh, I'd be telling her no! Just attending a wedding 8 weeks pp is rough enough, let alone being in one! I think it's nice enough that you're up for having you DD in it, which will still be $$ and work for you.

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

You're def not being selfish.

Is she having all of the hoopla again? Shower? Bach party?

If dd is a flower girl you will still need to be there early for pics and family pics, no?

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Thank you for the replies. I don't know what she is having. We were surprised that they had an engagement party, but it's his first wedding so I think he wants all of this stuff. I can't imagine she won't have all of the events.

I didn't even think about having to take family pics or having to be there for her pics. I don't even want to go at this point, it is going to be so overwhelming. I don't know what I'll do about all the pictures, but I imagine my DH or my mom could be with DD if I'm having a rough time. Now that I think about it, the reception is also an hour and a half away from my house (ugh) so leaving to nurse or pump will be impossible.

Message edited 11/7/2015 6:30:09 PM.

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

I know it's overwhelming but one step at a time. Ha, so hypocritical on that. I stress over things a year out. Especially with logistics. And I am...about a wedding next sept lol

Can you pump in your car? I know not ideal but you do what you have to. Will there be a bridal suite at that place? You can do it there too.

Re: Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

I think with your money situation and giving birth, you have a totally valid excuse. You just need to be straight with her. Tell her you love her very much and you hope to be at all her pre-wedding festivities but you just can't commit to being a bridesmaid. It's too much with your baby. I think it's more selfish of her to insist you are in the wedding party IMO.

BTW--I was recently married for the second time but it's my DH's first marriage. I wanted city hall and a small wedding this time around but in the end, we did the big hoopla because it's what he wanted. The one thing he did agree to was no wedding party because I was insistent on that (I would have had the same bridesmaids as my first wedding and I couldn't do that to my friends again). I do get that her FH may want a bridal party though, I wouldn't fault her for that.

Is she worried about having uneven numbers with groomsmen? I feel like lately, you see uneven numbers more than even. Hopefully she can get over that or ask someone else.

Oh! Also---my DH's sister is getting married exactly 4 weeks after my due date. THANK GOODNESS she didn't ask me to be in her wedding party---she has too many friends and I couldn't be happier about that.

Message edited 11/7/2015 7:54:57 PM.

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Im definitely the type of person who does whatever i want to do in any given situation. On that note, i would suggest making yourself happy and doing whatever you want to do. You will be juggling a lot with a newborn and a two year old.

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You have very good reasons for declining, and it seems she's not listening to you. I think it's nice that your dd will be flower girl. Your cousin should appreciate that contribution from your family, and stop pressuring you. Maybe tell her that at 2 months old, babies still need to nurse frequently. And you don't want to have to keep running off to nurse him and leaving her with one less bridesmaid. Make her realize that your mom duties would come before your bridesmaid duties. So if your baby needed you during photos or something, you'd go to the baby.

Re: Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

I would just tell her that going by how you felt a few weeks after dd's birth, you CANNOT commit to being in her party. Make it about her too - that you don't think you would be able to make it a whole day and that while you are flattered and honored that she wants you to share the day with you, it wouldn't be fair to her that you not be able to be there for photos or getting ready in the morning or all those other things, and that it's just too stressful of a time for you as well while you are trying to feel better and settle in with dc.

Re: Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Just say no.
Tell her you will walk your DD down the aisle & participate that way! Tell her with a 2 month old, life is too unpredictable & thank her for wanting to include you so much!

Re: Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Yeah, if it were me I'd say no and not feel guilty about it. It's unfair for her to even ask after you already said that financially it wouldn't work, then to add in the pregnancy. I just wouldn't feel comfortable being part of it that close to giving birth. I didn't even feel human for the first couple of months after having my daughter. I could have never handled trying to fit into nice clothes and making myself look presentable. Ugh. Just say no and leave it at that.

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

You're not being selfish at all. If anything I think she's being selfish. It is unfortunate that her first marriage didn't last but she cannot possibly expect the same people to go through another round of dresses, hair, makeup, etc. in such a short period of time.

Seriously, just say no.

Re: Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Please say no and don't feel guilty. Having a new baby is so overwhelming and add a toddler to the mix this is the last thing you want to deal with. New mothers only should be thinking of themselves and not worrying about others. Take a deep breath and stick to your decision. Honestly if you go through with this and say yes you will be so annoyed and upset with yourself. You don't want to do this and you don't need to. She will survive and find someone else. Do whats best for you.

Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

Thank you, all-- I feel much better about this. Now for the hard part- to do it and stick to my guns!

Re: Bridesmaid question - am I being selfish?

You are not being selfish at all. I have heard most people say they don't feel like themselves for 6-8 weeks. being in a wedding is a lot of work and very tiring. maybe email her and say you really can't. Sometimes its easier to say no when you are writing and not face to face with someone.