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JME78
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Member since 11/09 3672 total posts
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friend's 3rd wedding
I think if its her first wedding its fine for her family and friends to throw her a shower, but since the OP is the groom's friend, I don't think she should feel obligated to give a large gift.
I think if you marry someone who has been married twice before you kind of have to expect people not to go all out.
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Posted 12/16/16 12:25 PM  |
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FirstMate
My lil cowboy
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
I can't believe he's have your DH as his BM for a THIRD TIME. I would start to think your DH is bad luck! 
I would definitely give a smaller gift. And I would not give a shower gift at all. Enough with this guy and all of his marriages!
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| Posted 12/16/16 12:26 PM |
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jlm2008
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Member since 1/10 5092 total posts
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by PhyllisNJoe
100% give a smaller gift. Your friend has to realize it's a bit much to expect a large gift for wedding #3.
If it's the girls first marriage, I'd go to shower and do the usual $50-60 budget. If it's not and she's just having a shower because she wants one.. I would decline and if you want to be nice, send something personalized from Etsy - no more then $25
I know $ shouldn't matter, but in the case of 3 weddings, it kinda does.
Personally, if I were your friend, I would tell you guys to please not give us anything out of pure embarrassment that you guys have shoveled over so much money
This exactly! There is a point where enough is enough! How is the groom not embarrassed?
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| Posted 12/16/16 12:28 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
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..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by jlm2008
Posted by PhyllisNJoe
100% give a smaller gift. Your friend has to realize it's a bit much to expect a large gift for wedding #3.
If it's the girls first marriage, I'd go to shower and do the usual $50-60 budget. If it's not and she's just having a shower because she wants one.. I would decline and if you want to be nice, send something personalized from Etsy - no more then $25
I know $ shouldn't matter, but in the case of 3 weddings, it kinda does.
Personally, if I were your friend, I would tell you guys to please not give us anything out of pure embarrassment that you guys have shoveled over so much money
This exactly! There is a point where enough is enough! How is the groom not embarrassed?
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| Posted 12/16/16 12:57 PM |
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dancerlife
LIF Zygote
Member since 4/15 32 total posts
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Not to be a wise guy, but has your DH had to give a speech every time? If so, wow!
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| Posted 12/16/16 12:59 PM |
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EricaAlt
LIF Adult
Member since 7/08 22665 total posts
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Erica
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
3rd times a charm!
ha ha!
Maybe this is the one. WHo knows?! I'd still give a nice gift though. I guess it also depends on your relationship with them. It may not change the amount, but do you feel this is the one compared to the last 2? Just curious since it is wedding #3.
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| Posted 12/16/16 1:08 PM |
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noni882
LIF Toddler
Member since 7/06 378 total posts
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by EricaAlt
3rd times a charm!
ha ha!
Maybe this is the one. WHo knows?! I'd still give a nice gift though. I guess it also depends on your relationship with them. It may not change the amount, but do you feel this is the one compared to the last 2? Just curious since it is wedding #3.
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Yes, my DH has given a speech 2 times before and is working on another one. He's trying to remember what he said previously so he doesn't say it again
As far as this 1 being the 1- I loved the other 2 and I have actually not gotten too close with this new woman bc I lost 2 friendships already.
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| Posted 12/16/16 1:15 PM |
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Are you close to her? I'm only invited to showers for DH's friend's wives I am close to. If you don't talk to her much decline.
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| Posted 12/16/16 1:23 PM |
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Sparrow
LIF Adult
Member since 11/10 6826 total posts
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by JME78
I think if its her first wedding its fine for her family and friends to throw her a shower, but since the OP is the groom's friend, I don't think she should feel obligated to give a large gift.
I think if you marry someone who has been married twice before you kind of have to expect people not to go all out.
I agree. If it's not her first, I dont' even know if I'd give a wedding gift. It just gets dumb at that point. They want the big party, fine, but don't expect people to keep buying all your dinner plates and bath towels. Single people and those who live together but choose not to marry somehow figure out how to pay for their own household items.
Message edited 12/16/2016 1:37:34 PM.
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| Posted 12/16/16 1:37 PM |
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MC09
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by Chai77
They just didn't feel right making a big deal and imposing on people. It becomes tacky and burdensome on people with multiple big weddings IMO, unless they say no gifts.
This.
100%
Agreed. My opinion may be unpopular but I think you reach a certain point where you think "really, you want your friends and family to fund your newlywed life AGAIN A THIRD TIME???" To me, it doesn't even matter if she's never been married before. She has to understand she's marrying a guy who's on wife #3, he's asked the same guy to shell out tons of money to be his best man, why should his family and friends keep funding him? If it's her first she should have the bridal shower be just her side of the family, her friends, and his immediate family. OP, if you're not close to the bride I wouldn't even feel bad declining. How many toasters does one man need his relatives to buy him? Has your DH planned him 3 bachelor parties?
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| Posted 12/16/16 4:15 PM |
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MC09
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Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
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| Posted 12/16/16 4:21 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
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Rebecca
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
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| Posted 12/16/16 4:39 PM |
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MC09
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
I know my opinion is probably an unpopular one lol. In my previous post I wrote if it's the bride's first, she should have a shower if she really wants one, absolutely must have one, and feels she's missing out otherwise, but it should be mainly guests from her side and the groom's immediate family. I just think she has to understand inviting his third cousin Roberta he only sees once every 10 years (or every time he gets married) a third time with the expectation she buys him another toaster is redundant, burdensome, tacky, etc. I don't know but I see bridal showers as an event thrown by a third party to help a young couple build their newlywed home (gravy boats, crock pots, etc.) and start out their new life together. I don't feel like a bridal shower should be expected to be thrown for you, especially when you already have all that stuff.
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| Posted 12/16/16 4:58 PM |
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stinger
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 4971 total posts
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by MC09
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
I know my opinion is probably an unpopular one lol. In my previous post I wrote if it's the bride's first, she should have a shower if she really wants one, absolutely must have one, and feels she's missing out otherwise, but it should be mainly guests from her side and the groom's immediate family. I just think she has to understand inviting his third cousin Roberta he only sees once every 10 years (or every time he gets married) a third time with the expectation she buys him another toaster is redundant, burdensome, tacky, etc. I don't know but I see bridal showers as an event thrown by a third party to help a young couple build their newlywed home (gravy boats, crock pots, etc.) and start out their new life together. I don't feel like a bridal shower should be expected to be thrown for you, especially when you already have all that stuff.
The shower is for gifts but its also for loved ones to celebrate with the bride to be. A $50 gift and the OP presence at the shower is sufficient
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| Posted 12/16/16 5:04 PM |
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chilltocam
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 9141 total posts
Name:
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
I agree - but I guess maybe I'm biased. When I married DH, it was his second, my first. We combined our 2 households and didn't NEED anything - but I still loved that I had a shower. And really - so many couples, whether it's a first marriage for both or not, live together and have complete households prior to the wedding - so are showers only for couples who are both moving out of their parent's home for the first time? In that case, very few people actually should have a shower, kwim? It's a nice time for the bride to be to be able to celebrate with friends and family
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| Posted 12/16/16 6:14 PM |
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PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken
Member since 6/11 9145 total posts
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Phyllis
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Being its her first wedding, I understand why she wants a shower. Even if they already have a home together. it's more the experience and celebration, then the need of more "stuff"
In the case of the OP, who has done this 3x with this guy already and stated she doesn't really want to get close with this one yet I'd decline the shower and send personalized Etsy gift (being that they really don't NEED anything)
And 100% give less of a wedding gift. 3rd wedding AND is well off financially. No need to go overboard. Figure out sufficient gift.
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| Posted 12/16/16 6:23 PM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
I find the concept of both pre wedding "parties" SO outdated.
The large majority of couples either have one or both parties already living on their own. Most really don't need to be "showered" with gifts.
And the whole idea of a bachelorette party is silly too when you think about it. It's supposed to be the "last hoorah" but really - you shouldn't cheat on your fiance anyway, and I have had plenty of nights out with my girlfriends as a married woman.
If you think you're never going to either have great sex or a fun night out again, you need to reevaluate your marriage.
I think there should be ONE party for the bride where you give a small gift if she really needs things but otherwise you just all have a nice fun evening with great food and booze.
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| Posted 12/16/16 6:43 PM |
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jlm2008
LIF Adult
Member since 1/10 5092 total posts
Name:
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
Absolutely the firs time bride should have her shower and invite her friends and family, but she should only be inviting the grooms very immediate family....how many times is the grooms second cousins wife supposed to go to a shower for one of his wives??? Unless OP is best friends with this women, which she stated she is not and is keeping her distance , as she should since she has already lost two friendships, she shouldn't even be invited.
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| Posted 12/16/16 6:57 PM |
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stinger
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 4971 total posts
Name:
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by jlm2008
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
Absolutely the firs time bride should have her shower and invite her friends and family, but she should only be inviting the grooms very immediate family....how many times is the grooms second cousins wife supposed to go to a shower for one of his wives??? Unless OP is best friends with this women, which she stated she is not and is keeping her distance , as she should since she has already lost two friendships, she shouldn't even be invited.
I disagree. She should invite who she wants and if they care about the groom or her they will go. If they are more bothered by having to go to a 3rd shower then they can easily decline.
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| Posted 12/16/16 7:03 PM |
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stinger
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 4971 total posts
Name:
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by JennP
I find the concept of both pre wedding "parties" SO outdated.
The large majority of couples either have one or both parties already living on their own. Most really don't need to be "showered" with gifts.
And the whole idea of a bachelorette party is silly too when you think about it. It's supposed to be the "last hoorah" but really - you shouldn't cheat on your fiance anyway, and I have had plenty of nights out with my girlfriends as a married woman.
If you think you're never going to either have great sex or a fun night out again, you need to reevaluate your marriage.
I think there should be ONE party for the bride where you give a small gift if she really needs things but otherwise you just all have a nice fun evening with great food and booze.
True. Kind of like gender reveal parties!
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| Posted 12/16/16 7:04 PM |
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MC09
arrrghhh!!!!
Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by stinger
Posted by MC09
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
I know my opinion is probably an unpopular one lol. In my previous post I wrote if it's the bride's first, she should have a shower if she really wants one, absolutely must have one, and feels she's missing out otherwise, but it should be mainly guests from her side and the groom's immediate family. I just think she has to understand inviting his third cousin Roberta he only sees once every 10 years (or every time he gets married) a third time with the expectation she buys him another toaster is redundant, burdensome, tacky, etc. I don't know but I see bridal showers as an event thrown by a third party to help a young couple build their newlywed home (gravy boats, crock pots, etc.) and start out their new life together. I don't feel like a bridal shower should be expected to be thrown for you, especially when you already have all that stuff.
The shower is for gifts but its also for loved ones to celebrate with the bride to be. A $50 gift and the OP presence at the shower is sufficient
True, but I feel like these days showers are more like a fundraiser than anything else with people's giant inflated registry lists of $$$ and even a mortgage registry to ask your guests to help you buy a house. I know a couple that registered to have their guests help them fund their business. (Not that I'm saying this couple is doing that but there are people that def take asvantage). A celebration is one thing but when you're sitting on what amounts to a tulle and lace throne in the middle of the room and opening gifts announcing who got you what... It's a bit awkward for a guest that's been through this three times for one guy. Since it's her first time it won't be as awkward for her guests. His side however... since they already may have gifted him more expensive gifts the first and second time, they might feel embarrassed and cheap having the bride hold up something small and inexpensive and announce to the room "so and so got me this cheap little knick knack" kwim? Idk that's just my take on it.
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| Posted 12/16/16 9:27 PM |
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MC09
arrrghhh!!!!
Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
Name:
Me speaks pirate!
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
Posted by stinger
Posted by jlm2008
Posted by eroxgirl
Posted by MC09
Posted by noni882
To answer some people's questions, it is the bride's 1st wedding. They have been living together though for about a year and have a household set up.
They are lacking for nothing since DH's friend owns a very successful business.
Ok, I'm sorry but this right here just seems greedy and tacky. They lack for nothing and already live together and have their household already set up, he's on wife #3... What could they have possibly registered for that is a necessity that they didn't already have? I imagine they already have everything they need.
But it's HER first wedding, and doesn't every bride deserve a shower (the first time) if she wants one? That's not tacky and greedy IMO. She wants the full bridal experience. Isn't the shower still really about the bride and not the groom?
Although with this being the OP's third stint as best man, I would not give the same kind of wedding gift as I did the first two times.
Absolutely the firs time bride should have her shower and invite her friends and family, but she should only be inviting the grooms very immediate family....how many times is the grooms second cousins wife supposed to go to a shower for one of his wives??? Unless OP is best friends with this women, which she stated she is not and is keeping her distance , as she should since she has already lost two friendships, she shouldn't even be invited.
I disagree. She should invite who she wants and if they care about the groom or her they will go. If they are more bothered by having to go to a 3rd shower then they can easily decline.
Sure, they always have the option to decline the invite. But, sometimes, and for whatever reason, some people feel bad declining or like they must attend these types of things out of respect or obligation or whatever. I know people like that. A relative might feel like it's out of respect for the groom's mother that she must attend. Also, even by declining many people will still feel obligated to send a gift, even something small. I find it to be a burden on the relatives a third time around. The poor OP isn't even sure what she should do in this situation so she posted on here asking for opinions. I'm sure a lot of the groom's side would feel the same way receiving a third shower invitation. Of course there will be some that just love parties and being invited to things that will be happy to receive an invitation and I don't think they're wrong. But many will be like 'wtf again?' and I don't think they're wrong either.
I know someone that is kind and giving to a fault and always generous with gifts. She's the kind of person who will go to five different stores and put real thought into a gift. If I were to invite her to a fifth shower she would give the same amount gift as she did for the first. It's just her nature. And this is someone who makes a very modest income. This is just how she is. As much as I love her I hate inviting her to stuff because as much as I demand and threaten no gift she will bring it anyway and then I feel like shit having to break her legs for not listening lol. Sure, it's her choice to give however much she wants. But she doesn't know HOW to do less. She really just doesn't. For the big-hearted generous people like her, and there are a few out there that I know like this, situations like these just feel like taking advantage of someone's generosity.
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| Posted 12/16/16 10:07 PM |
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MrsM429
Mama x2 <3
Member since 12/10 4946 total posts
Name:
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
I would to a normally priced shower gift ($50-$75 range), and a smaller wedding gift. Your DH is being the BM for a third time, which I'm sure he has had to pay for all the expenses that come with that title 3 times now.
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| Posted 12/17/16 4:37 AM |
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
To me it would make a difference if the other weddings were recent, or in the remote past. If you just did the whole wedding thing for this guy 2-3 years ago, I wouldn't go as crazy as I would if it was all 15 years ago. The friend is in a tough position bc he may not want to ask for anything but he wants his bride to have the full experience.
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| Posted 12/19/16 2:50 AM |
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summertime
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/10 852 total posts
Name:
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Re: friend's 3rd wedding
I would consider it a celebration regardless of how many times he was married. Give what you can afford.
Though I can't even imagine being married three time lol Like seriously why bother at this point
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| Posted 12/19/16 10:19 AM |
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