What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

My FIL has pancreatic cancer and unfortunately we do not think he's going to make it another couple of weeks. He's deteriorating more rapidly than expected and has been in a lot pain. We have two girls 4 and 1 1/2. Obviously my younger daughter doesn't understand, but my older one is very close with him and we think it's really going to affect her. She knows he's "sick" and doesn't feel well often, but we aren't really sure how to approach the fact that he's going to pass away. We know eventually she may not even remember but we want to try and deal with the current future and help her understand. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this situation? TIA

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

I don't really have any sound advice here. It's a difficult situation. I just wanted to share something someone shared with me that I found to be great advice.
She told me to try to avoid saying that the person is just simply sick, that when you say that, a little mind processes it to mean that every time he has a cold, he could die. So if you do use the term sick, be very specific about it.

So sorry for what you are going through and I wish your family peace and comfort in this difficult time.

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

My dhs grandfather passed away a few months ago and our dd is 4. She didn't take it as badly as we thought she would, but she was definitely affected by it. She would ask a lot of questions about if she was going to die, if dh and I were going to die, etc. We just kept trying our best to be truthful while also putting her mind at ease by telling her that wouldn't happen for a very very very long time. She still talks about how she misses him sometimes, but maybe she doesn't fully "get it" bc she doesn't really sound sad, exactly, just more curious I think.

So sorry you have to go thru this with your dd.

What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

I'm sorry you're going through this. No matter what it's hard.

I suggest finding books that deal with death. If you find she is really having a hard time and things change with her you can find a social worker or therapist that specializes in young children just so she has someone to talk to.

I will say be careful what you say about him being sick and dying. You don't want her to get scared any time you or your husband get sick. You wouldn't want her to equate sick with dying.

What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

FM if you would like the name of books I recommend to clients

What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

We have had to deal with a ton of death in my sons 5 short years. we said that they becom angels and that they are always looking over us. Life and death conversation is hard so we decided to keep it simple. My ds has been actually very good about it and talks about his angels.

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

I'm sorry about your situation. It's never easy. I had to talk recently about death with my 11 year old, and it was more difficult for me than it was for him. Sorry your family is going through this, and you have gotten great advice here

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

My dd is 4 and we just went through this with my grandmother in January. We saw her all the time because she lived with my parents. Dd never fully understood and as recently as 2 weeks ago she still asks where she is. She also more recently started talking about dying. We saw a car accident the other day and she asked if there were kids in the car and I said I didn't know. Then she just randomly asked how the kids died in the car accident. She's definitely not understanding that getting hurt and dying are two different things.
We are religious so we talked about heaven. I like the book and angel idea the other posters suggested. But I don't think it makes any sense to them at this age whichever way you explain it. I had my husband explain it to dd bc I couldn't at the time and once he was done telling her she said "okay, can I have some milk".

Prayers to you and your family!

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

My daughter spent her 4th birthday in the hospice with my mother (her grandmother) they were incredibly close. She died a day and a half later.

So I have lots of experience. It changed my daughter that is for sure. Beforehand she knew she had "cancer" and we discussed how everyone gets sick but some diseases doctors can't always help cure and how cancer is one of those.

We didn't realize she was going to die so soon, one day she was fairly okay and then next day she just wasn't. So, when we took her to the hospice, she must have overheard that we were "losing" my mom, and kept saying she didn't want grandma to be lost. So we kept telling her that she will always be in her heart. My daughter is almost 5 now, it has almost been a year since my mother died and she still holds her hand over her heart and tells me that grandma is with her, inside her heart and talks about her. She has even told me on her own that if I wanted a hug from my mom I could just hug her because grandma is always with her lol.

It's def. hard and confusing but just go about it in a way that you feel comfortable with. Make sure you are consistent with what you tell them.

So she knows, grandma is not coming back but that it is the memories we had with them and the things within ourselves that keep her alive.
I made her a photo album of every picture I had of them together with some written memories of special times together. We light candles to remember and think about her.

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

I found the best book to discuss death was a book called "always remember". it is very cute. an old sea turtle dies but everyone in the ocean reflects on who he was and what he did for them and they will "always remember" him.

Re: What's the best way to discuss death with a 4 year old?

When my mother died, we used a book called The Fall of Freddy the Leaf to explain death. I did change one of the words in the book from sleep to die, because that made the most sense, when I read it to her. Otherwise, I thought it was helpful to explain the life cycle etc.