Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws- upated

So, I will try to sum this up.. My inlaws, and particularly my FIL are pot stirrers. He thinks he and his children are "the best" and he finds flaws and talks badly of everyone else-including me.

Notwithstanding the fact that I work part time in a high stress job, help manage my parents business and properties and am raising two young children who are not yet in school -- my FIL believes that I should dedicate my life to cooking elaborate meals which should be set on the table at 6:00pm every night (forget the fact i get home from work no earlier than 7:30) and keeping an impeccable house etc etc. To say that he is small minded is a huge understatement.

Anyway, I am not looking to change a 70 year old man, however I have now come to realized that he keeps putting bugs in my husbands ear complaining about me and giving him reasons of why I suck as a wife and mother and justifying my husbands immature behavior, to the point where things will be fine one minute and literally after my husband goes to their house without me or somehow speaks to them without me there, my DH turns into an unreasonable d*ck after listening to them.

A few weeks ago my FIL and I got into a big argument where once again my hisband was fine and then after half an hour alone with his parents he started complaing to me about everything under the sun and started throwing tantrums including breaking a table! My FIL blamed his behavior on my being a bad wife and not cooking enough and keeping to a schedule at home. He then sent my husband a nasty text message the following day saying all kinds of rotten things about. Without even going into how ridiculous the things he said about me and my family were (I cooked crap, i was tyrying to tear him away from his family bc I enjoyed living like a gypsy, he should take me to a junkyard to get furniture bc thats what i deserved etc) the point is that this time i am DONE taking this nonsense.

It is not ok for him to speak to or about me in this fashion esp in front of my kids or to speak to my husband about me in this way. Its absolutely up to my husband to tell him to stop but he hasnt. I told DH that i will not speak to or go to his fathers house until he has a conversation with his parents about staying out of our business. I told him that even if he agrees with some things his father says we can discuss it among us but its not for his father to get involved.

We were away so it hasnt really since come up. BUt now we are back and the weekend is approaching and I am sure he is going to want to take the kids there- I wont go .. but I also dont want to spend a whole life time of avoiding them bc its not fair to my DH and especially my kids.

How do I handle this where I still stick up for myself , and more importantly my husband does, without creating a life long feud



ETA Update: Thanks everyone. I agree with everything everyone said and thank you for supporting me and validating my feelings. I spoke to DH about this this weekend and made my feelings very clear. He told me that he has spoken to them but it is to no avail .. his mother stopped but his father, to answer some of your questions.. yes is Archie Bunker.. he is horrible... and he all but cant help himself to be a backward ignorant ass hat. Anyway, I am happy that DH is on the same page when it comes to his parents, he admitted that its not their place and he recognized that his dad fuels his fires. We are also working on our own issues-- we discussed me making more of an effort to cook-- hes Italian its like the big thing for him-- and him being ok with shortcuts and being less resentful of having to help out. I still think therapy should be in our future. Anyway,, so he spoke to his dad, and his dad yessed him but the problem is.. his dad wont change.. so I told DH I cant make his father change but DH just needs to shut it down immediately when his dad opens his mouth to criticize me and that if I ever hear of it around my kids again -- that will be the end of my kids spending time with him. At the end of the day, I can not control or change anyone elses behavior except for my own.

Message edited 8/28/2017 10:43:44 AM.

Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Ugh. Inlaws def suck. BUT I also think the problem is with your dh. Your fil can say whatever the hell he wants, but your dh should have your back. No matter what.

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Did your DH grow up with his mother as a stay at home mom that had dinner on the table every night? I would probably attempt to have a calm conversation with him and his parents were you and your DH present a united front and explain that your choices are based on your families needs and that you don't appreciate them giving their input.

If that didn't work I would probably just get mad and tell them that it's not 1950 and if they want you to make elaborate meals for their son, they can tell him to get a second job because you are quitting yours to focus on the dinner menu and mopping the floors to meet their standards!

Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Your dh broke a table? That's not immaturity that's anger issues. What happens if he turns on you. The fact that what his parents say matters thatnmuvh to him is a him issue not so much a them issue. Personally, I would not allow my kids around people who think it's ok to bad mouth their mother. I suggest marriage counseling and if he won't go then counseling for yourself. Your dh is 95% of the problem here.

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

I'm sorry you are going thru this.
Is your FIL a caveman ? He''s got the same effing mentality.

Your husband needs to stick up for you.
I wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with the in-laws, including keeping your kids away from them. They don't need to be in such a toxic environment. What if your in-laws say bad things about you in front of your kids ?

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This problem isn't really about your in-laws. In a healthy marriage I don't think the behavior of your in-laws would be tolerated. Your DH should stick up for you or cut them out. Heaven help my DH if this kind of talk was tolerated. I would walk right out with the kids until he got his head straight or was willing to really talk about what was really bothering him within the marriage. I'm sorry and am angry for you. Please have a discussion with your DH about what is going on with your relationship that he feels like he needs to listen his father's nonsense.

Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

You don't have an In Law issue - you have a DH issue. He needs to nip his folks in the bud. There is no reason for him to break a table. That is insane.

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Thanks everyone for the responses-- to be clear I 1000 perecent agree that this is in large part a DH issue and that he should stand up to his parents. The problem is that DH agrees with them- or says he does-- which is a huge issue between him and I but that is almost beside the point in this case bc he and I can manage that, its when his parents add fuel to the fire that it becomes a bigger issue and when his father disrespects me even in my own house. Like DH and I try to work on this issue then he comes and poops all over it. Because yes his mom was a stay at home mom and also bc yes his father has a cave man mentality. And yes I have told them all calmly and then not so calmly that this is not 1950 but they will not change. As I menytioned my husband tries to but then the pot stirrer comes along. But anyway my question and what I was looking for advice on is more so how to tackle this situation right now with how to take a stand without causing a war. DO I cut off his parents, do I not allow my kids around them?

ETA: Yes he threw something at the table and broke it-- granted it was a kids table but not the point.

Message edited 8/25/2017 11:15:29 PM.

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

He needs to tell his dad to shove it! No way should he allow his dad to speak to his wife that way. Your fil sounds like an ass. I'd avoid him at all costs. Your kids do not need to be around that.

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

I had a similar situation with my in laws, and my DH would just sweep it under the rug. As soon as he stood up for me, MIL told him he's dead to her and we haven't spoken to her since dec 2011. FIL and his wife are in and out of our lives, and I basically flip out for a few days every time we see them bc I get so anxious something bad is going to happen and cause WW18.. however, it's just easier for me to suck it up bc the guilt I feel that he has such a bad relationship with his family bc they don't like me, is worse then anything those losers say about me.

My long winded reply is basically to say, if his parents are as awful as my in laws, they may cut him off if he sticks up for you, and that has terrible consequences too. I feel for you, in laws seriously suck and if you ever need to talk PM me

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Tough situation.
Honestly, I would keep my distance from the in-laws, keep the kids away from them. I don't have children,but it would be my first instinct to shelter them from such horrible behavior.
I would also insist on some sort of therapy for DH to find out where and why all of this is coming from.
Sounds like mommy issues - he wants to mirror his parents.

Message edited 8/26/2017 8:13:03 AM.

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

You need the dealing with in laws (dwil) page on baby center

Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

If you decide to stay away, the kids should stay away as well. Children are impressionable and hear more than we think they do. It's not healthy to be around a man such as your FIL. Additionally, maybe talk to DH as to what exactly his expectations are regarding your marriage. You can't do it all! Best of luck.

Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

I'm sorry you are going through this it sounds terrible. How dare they talk crap about you. Who do they think they are? My husband would not allow this and would stand up for me the minute it happened. If your husband agrees with them on some issues then I would suggest marriage counseling to work out the issues. How could you have dinner on the table at 6:00 when you get home at 7:30? I just don't understand. Maybe he needs to invest in a cleaning lady to get the house where he wants it. Also I would absolutely not step foot in your in laws house or bring your kids there until your son has a conversation with his parents. He needs to tell them that you are his wife and you work and have young children and its not their place to talk bad about you. Please stand up for your self or everyone will walk all over you.

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Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

You have already stated you know it is also a dh problem and I agree. He is basically agreeing with them talking bad about you which is terrible to me.

I would not go to my in laws house but I also would not let my children go. I would assume they would be negatively talking about you and I would not want my children to hear that especially hearing there father agree. I would not want my children to think that the behavior was right and I wouldn't want them to hear what they had to say.

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Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Re: Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

Is your father in law Archie Bunker?

Your DH is a punan with his parents. I have the same problem. I can 100% understand the frustration.

Since DH will never say anything, I think I would tell FIL that if he thinks your a big problem now, keep stirring the pot and there will be a way bigger problem...and that problem is going to be his adult son living in his dad's basement because he won't be able to afford to live anywhere else after he makes his monthly child support payment. I would also tell him that if I found out he was talking anything but the nicest of praises about me in front of my kids, that would be the end of his relationship with them. I would not want this neanderthal putting archaic ideas in my kids' heads.

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You need to remind your husband who he has sex with and who is family is now. He needs to man up and stand up to his parents. I absolutely agree with you about not going to his father's home. I would not send my kids there either. How dare your husband let anyone disrespect you like that? You are his wife! If he is going to let his parents put you down like that...he can pack his bags and go back to mommy and daddy's house.

As far as when my husband gets a bug up his a$$ about me playing the 1960's wife...I remind him that it works both ways and if he wants a wife like that then he has to be a husband like that which means I stop working and he can carry all the bills. That usually shuts him up.

Need Advice Re: DH and In Laws

The first thing you need to do is get on the same page with DH. That doesn't mean that you agree on everything. What it does mean is that he doesn't discuss issues between you and him with his parents. If he goes there and his parents bring you up in a derogatory way he needs to shut them down and say he doesn't want to talk about that. That's the only way this is going to get better. His father can think what he wants. But when it starts invading your marriage that's when it become a problem and DH needs to shut it down. Tell him to set some damn boundaries!!