I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

Long story short my MIL was in town for a few days last week. Wemade plans to pick SD14 up & go to breakfast with her grandma before we took her to JFK for her flight on Saturday. It was going to be no more than one hour out of SD's day. She decided not to answer her cellphone(that we pay for) all morning & she was sleepingover a friend's. Finally she calls about 15 minutes before we were planning on picking her up to say she won't be ready. MIL had a plane to catch which SD knew so there was no time to wait for her. DH was embarrased & furious but as usual there was nothing he could do. This is just the icing on the cake.
So this morning I needed to email BM about something else I decided to add this. Names have been removed to protect the innocent


On another note, MIL was really disappointed that she didn't get to see SD and I cannot believe she hasn't realized that an apology is in order for her father & her Grandmother. MIL is 83 years old and isn't going to live forever, all SD needed to do was spend one hour or less with her. There were times she was downright rude to 1st cousin on SDs side when she was here from Florida, thankfully 1st cousin is too nice to tell SD where it is at. SD's behavior toward her blood relatives is shocking to me.
She also made a comment last time she was here about not caring about clubs or band or anything with school that could potentially help her get into a good college. Her attitude and pride about being a good student seems to be gone. I told her & DH straight out that I'm not busting my *** to max out her 529 or put money away for her to have a sweet sixteen, or plan on giving her my car when she's 17 if she's not even going to try. At this point DH really feels like she doesn't want anything to do with him. He has tried forcing her to come here, he's tried letting her choose not to come here, he lets her do whatever she wants when she's here, he gives her money even if she isn't nice, I buy her tons of stuff when she's here, he's tried forcing her to call him by threatening to shut her phone off...he doesn't know what else to do.
And if I hear her say that he always yells at her one more time I'm going to flip. I swear on my beloved grandmother's grave I have only heard him yell at her a handful of times, all of them COMPLETELY warranted in over 8 years. He doesn't yell and that is a fact. Her crap about trying to make him out to be a bad guy is really getting sickening when she is the one that can't muster basic respect for her own family.
I know now she's got social things happening because she's in high school but that is life, it happens to EVERYONE & its no excuse to treat your family like $hit. She still says terrible things frequently about BM's husband and at times not so nice things about BM's baby all of which I totally flip out on her for....I'm the one that usually yells at her, NOT DH. I can only imagine what she says about us to you guys. Its so far past her being a confused, angry little kid with divorced parents. Now she's just turning into a young adult that is not a nice person except to the few select people that are in her good graces at that moment. Her blowing off her Grandmother & making DH look like an azz AGAIN was it for me. If she's not going to try, I'm not either. She can get her Dad to take her shopping for all the stuff she needs-he'll spend about a quarter of the time and money I spend on her because he doesn't believe in spending a fortune. And probably in WalMart, not American Eagle.
The debit card was my idea so she'd have spending money all the time, hopefully DH can figure out how to transfer money on to it because I'm not doing it. I'm glad you're taking over the cell phone because I'm tired of hearing her b*tch about the service not being good enough for her and getting replacements when she doesn't even feel like she should apologize for loosing or breaking them. When I asked her why she didn't say sorry when she lost the last one at the beach she said "because I'm not sorry, I actually think its funny".
I don't think any of this is funny.

Anyway, I really don't know where I'm going with this except to express to you how upset I am. I really hope you & DH can figure out a way to help her move past this attitude.


discuss

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

wow. I must say that was a very well written letter, alot nicer than I can usually muster up to be. SD sounds alot like my own SD, as a matter of fact they could be sisters.

Are you and DH usually on the same page as far as discipline and how you treat your SD? One thing i'm noticing in our relationship with our own SD and others is that these kids seem to really know how to MANIPULATE and get anything they want. They use whoever is in their "good graces" at the time and guilt the others into doing what she wants at the time in order to get into those "good graces." It's kind of like well you won't give me what I want so i'll just get it from the other one. Really bad game to play.

The one thing I don't agree with in your letter is how you made it seem as though you and your DH are not a joint unit. I think you need to stand firm TOGETHER and say "WE" are fed up and "WE" have decided to shut off her phone, close her debit card and no more clothes shopping until "WE" feel her behavior has improved! She will probably go thru a period where her mom is thrilled with this and gives her anything she wants just to destroy her relationship with you but TRUST ME, t his gets old FAST. They need your help or should I say YOUR MONEY. haha. I hate to put it like that but it's true.

New rule in our house ~ You get what you DESERVE! YOu and DH need to firm a tight unit where you support each other and come FIRST...and your SD needs to understand this.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

AnaMarie, thanks for the reply. I think BM knows DH & I are usually a solid unit but BM also knows I'm in charge of finances in our family & my DH is REALLY frugal so if I cut SD off, she's in trouble.
I will never be the one to say DH won't spend money on her, she's his child he NEEDS to provide for her. I don't, and that was my point to BM.
I'll tell you, I keep waiting for this stepmom thing to get easy, it never does.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I know, it is the hardest thing i've ever had to do and seldom rewarding but I do my best as i'm sure you do. I apologize if I implied that you are not a firm unit...I just wrote it so fast and it's hard to get the whole picture from one thread. Thank you for clarifying.

It's funny, when you brought up the phone I just had to laugh. My SD used to do the same thing with her phone breaking it or ignoring calls....one day she shut the phone off and wouldn't take DH's calls. He disconnected her phone for a week. When we picked her up for visitation the next weekend, she had a brand new Tmobile Sidekick with all the bells and whistles from her MOM! I thought DH was doing to explode from anger, how dare she? I asked DH to let it go for now and sure enough (as is a habit with their mother), the bill was not paid and phone was disconnected before we knew it! HAHHAHAH It was a great moment. Now, her phone is shut off about once a month due to non-payment so it came back to bite her in the @ss. Just a funny story I thought I would share.

Any response on the letter yet?

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

No response yet. BM just got a job & she works at night & sleeps during the day so I probably won't hear anything until later.

That is TOO funny about the cell phone!
SD constantly b*tches about her phone not having good service yet she uses over 600 minutes a month & 3000 text messages a month
BM is putting her on her plan but we are giving her the money. We have the largest plan we can get & we keep going over our minutes because SD uses so many & DH uses a ton for work & me & my son have to share the minutes too. We also don't want to deal with replacing the phone every time it breaks or gets lost(about 6 times in 2 years) And now BM can be the bad guy & take the phone away if SD is bad.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

Good for you!

have you heard a response yet? I bet she can identify with everything you are saying and possibly agree with you.

The part where you write that she is beyond being a child with issues of having divorced parents hit a chord with me. After reading all the posts on this board, I have noticed we all b!tch about BM and the obnoxious kids, wanting/demanding everything. But kids are a product of their environment and I think that children of divorce tend to be more spoiled. I call this "guilty parent syndrome".

I know in my particular situation, SD gets whatever she wants b/c she has 2 parents who feel guilty about what she went through as a child so they compensate her for her troubles. My SD was only 5 years old when she had an iPod, video camera, TV, DVD player and digital camera. Really. I mean, give me a break. That's totally ridiculous.

I think these kids end up getting used to getting whatever they want at a drop of a dime so they just learn to expect it. When it doesn't work out for them b/c they no longer want the $7 Barbie Doll but the $100 pair of jeans, all h ell breaks loose. BUT, I'm sure the BM is experiencing the same thing so when she responds to you, I would imagine that she is going to understand EXACTLY where you are coming from.

Let us know how it goes!

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

My DH & BM have both been guilty of giving SD whatever she wants because they think that will make up for them getting divorced. The ink was dry on the divorce papers when SD was 2 years old, she's going to be fifteen in a few months. Enough is enough already.
I'm all for her having nice clothes, pocketbooks, spending money, cellphone, camera, computer, Ipod and whatever else but there has to be some effort on her part. The sense of entitlement is over the top. She constantly treats her father like dog$hit on her shoe and he's my husband & I'm not willing to let anyone treat him like that. I'm the one with the fashion sense in the family, I'm the one that plans the best parties, I'm the one that helps with the big school projects that always get an A+, I'm the one that tries to get DH to understand teenage girls do need a lot of clothes. Unfortunately for SD she pushed me over the edge this weekend and now I'm done. She is my DH's daughter & I support his relationship with her & he can spend any amount of time or money he wishes on her. I personally will do nothing until I hear her apologize & witness her showing her father the respect he deserves.

My parents divorced when I was a baby, I had step-parents and everything else SD has. Its not an ideal childhood, but its a good life having all of those extra people to love you. To me these kids just need an excuse for being bad.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I know she read it now, but no reply.
It might take her a while

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I cannot wait to see her reply. In my experience, regardless of how much she agrees with you...she will make you look like bad guy. I don't understand it at all! I'm hoping your relationship with BM is alot better than mine

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I'm sure she's going to be offended & defensive of her child, often the truth hurts.
SD has always pulled this "daddy always yells at me" card with her mother and its a flat out LIE! My husband isn't a yeller, we don't yell at each other, the kids, we don't even yell at our animals!
SD has some REALLY bad habits like refusing to wake up in the morning, she'll ignore anything you do to try to wake her & make believe she's in some sort of sleep where she can't hear or feel anything. She has done since she's little & even BM admits its an act. A couple of times DH has wigged out on her for that, but only after 30 minutes or more of the most calm attempts at waking her. Any discipline she has gotten from her father has been well deserved & not nearly frequent enough.
BM KNOWS DH is mild mannered, she's known him for 20 years. She should tell her kid to stop making crap up.

I can't wait to hear her reply, she usually picks out one thing I say & harps on it. ignoring everything else.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

do we have a tapping fingers smilie?

Still no response hours later. No doubt she's going to call DH & curse him out. She's plotting out how to get me now.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I couldn't wait to get here and see the response LOL

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

Nothing.....I think she's MAD!!!

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I can envision her sitting there fuming then calling up all of her reinforcements for advice on the best and most vindictive way to handle this.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

while we're sitting here anyway, what is the "get heard not herded".

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I changed my avatar but I didn't refresh so I can't see it.
Its a shaved Sheep, I think Americans should educate themselves about issues effecting our country & voice their opinions instead of listening to everything they hear on 'the news' and doing what the media says to do. Some people say most Americans are Sheeple, not people.
Corny I know but all the political talk on NFR today got me fired up.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

ahhh ok I got it now!! Very cute! Anything yet?? Cmon she's KILLLIN MEE!!

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

Any response yet???

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I spoke to BM briefly on the phone about something else, I said nothing about the email & she didn't either. DH said he hasn't heard a peep out of her this week!

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

a mini update, DH had a long phone chat with BM today. She was telling him all of her troubles-no money, husband switched careers, might short sell her house, she's exhausted from her new job, SD is being bad there too.
She told DH that she was very upset by my email, I ripped her apart. She obvisously made him feel bad for her because he never read it & assumed that she wasn't exagerating. She told him in years past she would have called or emailed to put me in my place but she doesn't have the energy with all that she has going on in her life now.

SD beeped in on their call & started giving DH attitude when he was telling her to be nice to her mother & he was trying to explain the severity of the situation her mother is in & that SD needs to stop expecting her mother to buy her crap & spend tons of money on her. Well she made like she didn't want to hear it & he blew a gasket on her.
He told her she needs to stop coming home & b*tching about how bad things are at school & complaining about everything in the world. He told her everyone is tired of her $hit & today she better go home with a smile & ask her mother if there was anything she could do to help out. He told her he would call to follow up which he did.
SD isn't bad now because BM is too busy, she's bad now because she was allowed to be bad from a very young age. Its just biting BM & my DH in the *** now.

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

I don't understand why she interpretted that email as you ripping her apart? I guess hearing/reading about your child's deficiencies can be a reflection upon yourself but really? She is having the same problems with her so I don't understand how she couldn't understand where you were coming from and taking it as a personal attack on her. I hope things get better soon!

Re: I did it, I sent BM an email to tell her how upset I am

Wow - sounds like SS. But I don't talk to or email his mother... that's for DH to contend with. I didn't marry the b*tch. I know - go ahead and flame me... but I was giving OP credit. I think SS is rude as heck to DH's family - if they don't step up and do something about it - it's not my place and I just end up upset and the drama unleashes. You go though - that was very well written!! SS's BM wouldn't be able to read words that big anyway