Annoyed on many levels - what to do

I am newly pregnant. We have not told SD yet b/c it's still early and we are afraid of her mom's reaction. We wanted to get through my first trimester before I had to deal with all of that stress.

BM approached DH the other day and asked if I was TTC. He said no, b/c I'm not. She says SD was eavesdropping on me while I was on the phone and overheard me say to my aunt "please keep this between you and I. It's a secret." She then went home to her BM and told her that she thought I was TTC and/or preggo based upon what she overheard and wanted to know if BM would ask DH if I was TTC. (Like it's any of her business).

I'm annoyed for a number of reasons:
1. Why is SD eavesdropping?
2. If SD overheard me specifically saying something was a secret, why is she violating my privacy, AGAIN, and gossiping about me to her mother?
3. Where does BM get the balls to come and ask my DH if I'm TTC?
#3 is not as concerning to me as #1 and 2.

I want to confront SD about it, but of course Mr. Dad the Friend does not want to upset her. Obviously, I'm way more sensitive to the situation b/c it's about my pregnancy - not something else - but it is really bothersome to me that she would eavesdrop and then gossip about something she specifically heard me say was a secret. I realize she's 12 but it's disrespectful. If she legitimately wasn't gossiping, why didn't she just ask my DH?

I get that, to her, it's her mom to whom she speaks freely. The thing is, I don't want her BM in my business! Once we tell her I'm preggo, I want to have a sit down and speak to her about all of the above. I just need to find a tactful and loving way to tell her "Stop telling your crazy mother my business! And if I find out your repeating things you are overhearing in my conversations, I'm going to take your phone and text gym class Joey that you like him!" (I'm kidding)

Re: Annoyed on many levels - what to do

I think you have every right to be annoyed. And I also think you have every right to confront your SD. My SD is 7 years old and I have always spoken to her about different things that have occurred, mostly because I want her to know that I am here for her and I want her to always feel comortable talking to me (I know BM and her family have said lots of negative things about me). Just because you confront her doesn't mean you will upset her. I would confront anyone who is essentially repeating something they have no right to repeat.

As for the BM budding into your business, I think you can tactfully say to SD that things that occur in your family should stay within your family and that if she hears something, or has any questions about anything in your family, she should be free to go to either you or her dad.

Good luck.

P.S. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

Message edited 1/31/2011 11:13:51 AM.

Re: Annoyed on many levels - what to do

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

I think you have a right to be annoyed. I also think SD has a right to discuss anything at all with her Mom. It's just a bond between mother's and daughter's and she probably felt more comfortable discussing this with her mom than her dad. I wouldn't take it personally or make too much of an issue about what she did. I think more will be said about the way YOU handle this. I personally would sit her down and let her know that her BM put the question out there and that it's ok that she went to her Mom but that this is none of her mom's business. It's your right to tell her this and explain that since it's not her mom's business, you are not obligated to share any information with her Mother.

Also - I would explain to her that certain things are private between a man and wife. You will talk to her about things if/when you feel it's appropriate but until then, it's nothing for her to worry about. Also - affirm for her that she is welcome to approach your family unit (you, her, her dad) directly if she wants to talk about anything because SHE Is part of your family, not her Mom. It's still ok for her to talk to her mom about things, but don't expect to get any sort of response or solution that way. Family matters are dealt with in your family privately.

This is just the way I would handle it, don't mean to impose myself on you at all. It's taken me a LONG time to learn how to deal with things in a way that doesn't put ME on the back burner LOL

Re: Annoyed on many levels - what to do

First off congrats!

Secondly, SD is a kid. Kids have big mouths and I agree with previous poster..it's a Mom/daughter thing.

THE only thing I think is 100% wrong, it is NONE of BM's biz about you TTC.

Get ready for the bumpy ride. BM will get evil. your IL's will constantly bring up SD's feelings about your pregnancy, and DH will over compensate any feelings of jealousy by being Disney Dad with his SD.

It goes with the territory unfortunately.

Don;t let it steal you r joy!

Re: Annoyed on many levels - what to do

First - Congrats!!

Second - Tell her that when she is your house you are to be respected.

If DH has a problem, blame it on the hormones.

Re: Annoyed on many levels - what to do

Thank you so much ladies! Some of you are cracking me up!

Between my anger and my hormones, I'm not sure I'm being rational half the time. I just wanted to add that she is pretty open with us but I'm 100% positive she didn't ask myself or DH because she knew she was going to get it for eavesdropping. This is an ongoing issue...we call her Lois Lane..she reports everything she hears.

The thing is, I don't recall ever having a convo like that period, never mind at my house when she was home. I'm wondering if she's been snooping through my things?

Anamarie, you are totally right. It's how I handle it that will be most spoken about. Thanks for your support girls. I know many of you can understand where I'm coming from and it's such a comfort.

Message edited 1/31/2011 3:10:22 PM.

Re: Annoyed on many levels - what to do

Oh boy we went through this. First off congrats on the pregnancy.
My DH actually told SD that what happens in our house stays in our house. SD was reporting everything to BM but adding or switching the story to her benefit which always lead to a fight with DH and BM. SD is 12y/o also and let me tell you they're kids but they can also be very manipulative. You should've seen the scene she made when we told her we were expecting. She cried for an hour yelling "I'm supposed to be #1" Mind you I have a son from a previous relationship who was happy but every child is different.

I totally understand about BM being in you business its sooooo annoying!