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I'm posting under my alternate name b/c I'm afraid my family members may be lurking. Well, that and I know this vent makes me a real B**ch, but I gotta get this out . . .


My B and SIL are having "fertility issues" and so they decided not to celebrate the holidays this year. Fine, I understand and I was truly saddened to hear that they were going through this. But things have been strange for a while . . .

First of all, they have been being really secretive about their issues -- again fine, I understand that it is a private matter. But not only did they bail out of our extended family Christmas (where there is 1 new baby and a couple of small kids), but now I find out my SIL is boycotting all family functions. She was even a no show at my father's bday -- where there were no kids!

Now I found out a couple of months ago that there were issues and I was told that they were dealing with this for a while, but in fact they have only been TTC for about 6 months and yes, there is an issue (on the male side), but it is a totally fixable problem and they have plenty of $$ to do what they need to do.

I realize that not being able to conceive immediately is frustrating, but my SIL is totally acting like she is the only woman in the world to go through this. (in the email where they explained their situation they were so cryptic that everyone thought they had suffered MCs -- they haven't even been trying that long!!!!!!) I have friends and family members who have struggled with fertility issues for YEARS, who have nearly gone bankrupt trying to have a child, and this B**CH makes it seem like
#1 a couple of months is an eternity
#2 its my B's fault and therefore he should be a hermit until its "fixed"
#3 everyone with a baby is the enemy!!!

We have a very close family and we would be supportive about this issue. More than 1 of my cousins have spent months (some even years) dealing with fertility issues (we have adopted kids in the family too). But my SIL has decided that the best way to deal with her "grief" (yes, apparently TTC is a cause for "grief" for her) is to totally isolate herself and my B from our family.

I can't say anything to my SIL (of course) b/c I'm not supposed to know the details of what is going on.

Anyway -- vent over -- you can tell me I'm being a completely unfeeling B**CH now -- I know I should be more understanding, but I just feel like the TTC is not the problem, the woman is!!!

Message edited 1/8/2008 11:24:18 PM.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

I don't know what to say so I will just relay my feeling about TTC and show you how I think she is right and wrong.

Okay. Wow. Well first of all TTC can be a source of true real grief. I have been TTC for 8 months with one m/c and I grieve. Last week I went through all the stages when I got AF again. So yes, she can be grieving.
Especially if she really thought she would get pg right away and is used to just having things the way she wants them. I don't know her or know if this is her personallity. But I would think TTC and infertility might really throw someone down if that was the case.

Also, did she have m/c or did she just lead everyone to believe that. If she did I can totally understand the isolation. I had one in October (well I my defense my grandpa died suddenly the same week so I was totally messed up) and I didn't really start going out with my friends again until the holidays. I went to small gatherings in peoples houses and saw my family. BUT i can totally understand wanting to be alone and NOT wanting to be near other babies. After my m/c I burst into tears whenever I saw I baby. IT WOULD BE NO offense to you and your baby but it is just really really hard.

If she didn't have a m/c well then this situation gets a little weird. I could still see why babies might upset her becasue she just found out that DH has a problem and TTC is not going to be an easy journey. Maybe she is also embarassed and maybe your BIL is embarassed. It does sound like she is being pretty dramatic but I don't know her and how much emotion she has invested in this process. I do think it is wrong to boycott family functions. I personally leaned on my family big time. But again. Our youngest family memeber is 6 years old. I am not around sweet cuddlly babies.
ALso how does she know that DH has fertitily issues if they have only been trying for 6 months?
Also. I have to tell you that hitting that six month mark was pretty devasting to me. It was the point when the average couple concieves by. And when I didn't get pg then I was really sad. Everyone grieves differently but I don't think it is fair to cut everyone off either.

Just two more thoughts. Could they be having maritial troubles and just using TTC as the excuse to stay away?

ALso you said that she is forcing your brother to stay away. Maybe your brother is the one who wants to stay away. Maybe in embarassed or really sad. I would imagine it is pretty hard to hear that you are the cause of fertility problems.

I don't know who is right or wrong here but I wanted to offer some perspective from the other side. THis is a tough situation.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

I don't think you can know how a person really feels until you walk a mile in their shoes.

Some people are more sensitive, others can persevere much more while holding their head up and not show their true feelings to the outside world.

I read dramatic posts on here all the time about girls being depressed after only 1 to 3 months of trying. For a couple who knows that it's taken 6 months already AND there is a problem, it's probably incredibly overwhelming knowing the road they have ahead of them.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Posted by sfp0701

I don't know what to say so I will just relay my feeling about TTC and show you how I think she is right and wrong.

Okay. Wow. Well first of all TTC can be a source of true real grief. I have been TTC for 8 months with one m/c and I grieve. Last week I went through all the stages when I got AF again. So yes, she can be grieving.
Especially if she really thought she would get pg right away and is used to just having things the way she wants them. I don't know her or know if this is her personallity. But I would think TTC and infertility might really throw someone down if that was the case.

Also, did she have m/c or did she just lead everyone to believe that. If she did I can totally understand the isolation. I had one in October (well I my defense my grandpa died suddenly the same week so I was totally messed up) and I didn't really start going out with my friends again until the holidays. I went to small gatherings in peoples houses and saw my family. BUT i can totally understand wanting to be alone and NOT wanting to be near other babies. After my m/c I burst into tears whenever I saw I baby. IT WOULD BE NO offense to you and your baby but it is just really really hard.

If she didn't have a m/c well then this situation gets a little weird. I could still see why babies might upset her becasue she just found out that DH has a problem and TTC is not going to be an easy journey. Maybe she is also embarassed and maybe your BIL is embarassed. It does sound like she is being pretty dramatic but I don't know her and how much emotion she has invested in this process. I do think it is wrong to boycott family functions. I personally leaned on my family big time. But again. Our youngest family memeber is 6 years old. I am not around sweet cuddlly babies.
ALso how does she know that DH has fertitily issues if they have only been trying for 6 months?
Also. I have to tell you that hitting that six month mark was pretty devasting to me. It was the point when the average couple concieves by. And when I didn't get pg then I was really sad. Everyone grieves differently but I don't think it is fair to cut everyone off either.

Just two more thoughts. Could they be having maritial troubles and just using TTC as the excuse to stay away?

ALso you said that she is forcing your brother to stay away. Maybe your brother is the one who wants to stay away. Maybe in embarassed or really sad. I would imagine it is pretty hard to hear that you are the cause of fertility problems.

I don't know who is right or wrong here but I wanted to offer some perspective from the other side. THis is a tough situation.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Stories like these remind me of an episode of Aly McBeal where Jane Krakowski's character asked Aly, "Why do you think your problems are any more imortant than everyone elses/" And Aly replied, "Because they're mine."

Even though you feel they've only been trying for 6 months and it's a "fixable" problem, your SIL may feel devastated- simply because it's happening to HER. If the roles were reversed, and this were happening to you, she might have the same attitude about it.

Everyone has a different threshold for pain (physically and emotionally). She may be "weaker" than you when it comes to this kind of news and is reacting accordingly.

That said, I completely understand your frustration as well. Try to be more understanding of their situation. Realize that even though it seems like nothing to you, it may be very overwhelming to her.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

i usually try to stay on the infertility board, but hop over here from time to time. I read your post a little while ago and didn't respond to it. I wasn't sure how to respond so I figured it better that I not.
Anyway, I got off of the computer and thought about your post. As someone suffering from infertility, I can tell you there's definite grieving. Every month of AF coming to pay a visit means another failed month--- and that equals grieving. It's only healthy. It's completely normal to grieve, throw yourlsef a pity party and then do your best to move on.
I have a neice and 2 nephews. 2 of them are my brother and SILs. They're both older than me and I expected they'd have a child before us. I was so excited to find out that my SIL was pregnant.
Fast forward a while. My other SIL who's not married, and younger than me--- announces she's pregnant from her ex-boyfriend. EVERYONE in her family turns on her--- and I (though I was planning our wedding and completely busy) take a stand and tell her family that if they want nothing to do with her pregnancy that's their call- BUT I'm throwing her a baby shower b/c that's my neice or nephew in there and they need essentials for when they come. PS: She had the baby less than a month before my wedding.
Anyway, once we got married we started TTC right away (almost 4 years ago). Since then my brother and SIL had baby #2, my other nephew that I adore. I have to be honest though, when they told me they were pg again I cried hysterically when I left. It's so hard to be happy for people when you feel like it's never going to happen for you.
I can say for your SIL- whether it's 6 months or a year, it still stings. And the PP might be right- maybe your brother is using her as the scapegoat b/c he's embarrassed. I can also tell you that whether there are children at functions or not--- sometimes the adults are worse than the children. When my SIL got pg, Dh and I constantly heard, so when are you guys going to start a family? Then when our neice and nephews were born it turned into, when are you going to give them cousins? They need someone to play with.
Though I adore all 3 of them- it hurts a lot looking at them sometimes. I wouldn't trade it for the world b/c they mean the world for me but sometimes I get said--- I'd think something was wrong if I didn't.
And yes, I do avoid my DHs family sometimes. I feel like a failure. I feel like my body is failing ME. I haven't even spoken to them since my first IUI failed except to say happy new year on speaker phone. They knew about the IUI and I just can't cope with seeing them right now.
Sorry- this turned into a novel. You wrote that you guys would be supportive. I think the best way to support them is to give them their space and to tell your brother that you're there for them if they need you.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Mrs Messina I'm sorry for what you are going through For the original poster , I think you are being really selfish and not very understanding. This is your brother and his wife you are talking about. If they are not in the mood to be social and happy, let them be.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Posted by Chai77

Posted by sfp0701

I don't know what to say so I will just relay my feeling about TTC and show you how I think she is right and wrong.

Okay. Wow. Well first of all TTC can be a source of true real grief. I have been TTC for 8 months with one m/c and I grieve. Last week I went through all the stages when I got AF again. So yes, she can be grieving.
Especially if she really thought she would get pg right away and is used to just having things the way she wants them. I don't know her or know if this is her personallity. But I would think TTC and infertility might really throw someone down if that was the case.

Also, did she have m/c or did she just lead everyone to believe that. If she did I can totally understand the isolation. I had one in October (well I my defense my grandpa died suddenly the same week so I was totally messed up) and I didn't really start going out with my friends again until the holidays. I went to small gatherings in peoples houses and saw my family. BUT i can totally understand wanting to be alone and NOT wanting to be near other babies. After my m/c I burst into tears whenever I saw I baby. IT WOULD BE NO offense to you and your baby but it is just really really hard.

If she didn't have a m/c well then this situation gets a little weird. I could still see why babies might upset her becasue she just found out that DH has a problem and TTC is not going to be an easy journey. Maybe she is also embarassed and maybe your BIL is embarassed. It does sound like she is being pretty dramatic but I don't know her and how much emotion she has invested in this process. I do think it is wrong to boycott family functions. I personally leaned on my family big time. But again. Our youngest family memeber is 6 years old. I am not around sweet cuddlly babies.
ALso how does she know that DH has fertitily issues if they have only been trying for 6 months?
Also. I have to tell you that hitting that six month mark was pretty devasting to me. It was the point when the average couple concieves by. And when I didn't get pg then I was really sad. Everyone grieves differently but I don't think it is fair to cut everyone off either.

Just two more thoughts. Could they be having maritial troubles and just using TTC as the excuse to stay away?

ALso you said that she is forcing your brother to stay away. Maybe your brother is the one who wants to stay away. Maybe in embarassed or really sad. I would imagine it is pretty hard to hear that you are the cause of fertility problems.

I don't know who is right or wrong here but I wanted to offer some perspective from the other side. THis is a tough situation.

I pretty much agree with you, except for when you said if she didn't have a MC then it's pretty weird. I totally disagree. I never had a MC, but have been TTC for 9 months without success. I grieve too and can relate to the OP's SIL. I'm so afraid I will never get pg. I have an incredibly hard time being around family and friends with kids or who are or might be pg. I have a hard time even hearing about them.

To the OP- Honestly, you sound really judgmental and callous. Stop judging your SIL and brother, respect their wishes and let them do what they feel they need to do at this time. I'm sure you don't know the whole story anyway and they don't need any more grief from you. I'm wondering if maybe if they didn't feel this negative vibe from people, they would be more willing to come around.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

YOu know what you are right! It is a grieving process even without a m/c. I didn't mean to offend and that is what I thought I conveyed. I really find it weird if she lead the family to believe she has a m/c and didn't. That is just wrong. Sorry if I upset you

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

I have been stewing about how to respond for a while now.

I could go on a tirade but instead I think I'll keep it simple.

Everyone has a different threshold for what they can handle in regard to issues with infertility. Some people become reclusive, others have no problems sharing their stories. Some even become crusaders for their causes. Everyone is different.

I have dealt with doing this process for a year and a half which is not nearly as long as most with IF problems. I have dealt with reproductive surgery. I have dealt with waiting, conceiving and miscarrying and it has changed me forever. I am not the same person I used to be.

What all of us with IF problems need from people is understanding and tolerance. We do NOT have to live according to everyone else's ideals or what they think we should do.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

It seems like you don't really like your SIL much. So I will take this for what it is, a VENT!

I hope that your SIL and Bro can get their issues resolved so that you can get your brother back. Maybe when SIL becomes PG you can make an attampt to bond with the mother of you new neice/nephew and share your PG experiences. Good Luck with everything

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

I know it's tempting to judge and to expect others to react and behave the same way you would in the same situation, but you have to remember that everyone handles this kind of stress differently.

It may not seem like a big deal in your mind, but conceiving and carrying a child is one of those basic human functions - having difficulties in this area cuts to the core of who we are as a person, and as a couple. For some it is deeply, deeply humiliating, embarassing, horrifying and can easily turn to grief.

I've been struggling with my own fertility issues for a year now. I'm an extrovert who wears all my feelings on my sleeve, so I share in my angst with my friends, co-workers, just about anyone who will listen. But, I would never expect that everyone else should respond in the same manner. ANd, in fact, just when I learned that DH and I had fertility issues, right around the same time your SIL made that discovery, even I, the extreme extrovert, had a very difficult time grappling with the news, and literally hid away in my house for a week, ignoring everyone. I can EASILY see why someone dealing with these issues would want to avoid family functions wehre there are children, probing questions, and pitying eyes.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Here are my thoughts:

I remember lurking on these boards months ago and thinking "wow some of these girls are crazy creating pie charts and eating Barilla pasta thinking it will help them conceive. Go have sex and get pregnant-it's not hard." Boy was I an idiot!

We have not been TTC for very long at all (2 months of a whatever happens attitude and 2 months with OPK's). I can now say from just a little experience that a woman can become angry, depressed, confused, resentful and then deal with guilt for feeling resentful and even grieve. You grieve the loss of choice, the loss of time, the loss of what you always believed would just come naturally.

This might all sound very dramatic and I am not saying that I feel all of those emotions. It is just a really personal thing for women/couples to deal with. I'm not saying crawling into a shell and becoming a recluse is healthy but I can understand how some people might want to shut out the world.

Try not to be so hard on your SIL.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Deleted...just because....I am here for support..to get it and give it. I feel this thread has caused some drama and that is not what I want to be associated with here.

Message edited 1/8/2008 2:12:38 PM.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

this isn't in reference to the original post....

There are so many sad, stressful, and very personal stories on this post.... I just wanted to give to all of those who are enduring troubles TTC....

I really hope things get better for every one of you very soon

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Wow....I'm going to go ahead and say you are a ******...and your SIL is not a grinch.
The woman is going through a terrible time and instead of just offering your support, you accuse her of being selfish.

You have a six month old child- she doesn't and wants one...and you think she's wrong.

I dealt with IF for 31/2 years and thank God noone in my family nor my friends acted towards me the way you are acting.

Try to forget about yourself for a while and think about it from her shoes.

And BTW, Male Factor is not the easiest thing to deal with either...they have to go through IVF/ICSI and hope it works...which it doesn't always work the first, second or third time around.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

I wasn't going to respond to this, but after letting it sit for a couple of days, I have to give my two cents.

First of all the fact that you put fertility issues in quotes REALLy bothers me. Why would you do that? Are you suggesting her problems aren't real?

You have a baby, which I am assuming you had no problems conceiving, because if you did, you sure as hell wouldn't have written what you did. Until you know what its like to want a baby but can't, then don't EVER "vent" about someone who is in this situation.

I think you totally lack compassion and sympathy. Everone deals with this in their own way.
And IF carries a lot of grief. When you first find out you can't have a baby naturally. When the first treatment doesn't work. When the second treatment doesn't work. When you find out you have another problem besides your original one. When you get BFN after BFN after BFN. When you're at the doctor's office once, twice a week, or more, getting bloodwork and sonograms done. Getting poked and prodded. When making a baby is now a medical procedure, not an act of love between you and your husband. When someone who was trying the same time you started already has a baby. When you go to family functions or out with friends and are constantly asked "when are you having a baby?" "its your turn now."

Instead of complaining about your SIL, why don't you offer her support? Why don't you tell her and your brother that you are there for them if they need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on? Why don't you tell them you are there for them whatever they choose to do?

I think you need to reevaluate what you wrote here and think about who is being selfish.

ETA: not that this really matters, but you wrote she was trying for six months, but also wrote that she wanted to get pregnant right away after you announced your pregnancy. That doesn't make any sense.

You also have no idea how long they've been trying. Maybe they tried for a long time and nothing happened so they only sought medical help six months ago.
I went of BCP 16 months ago. We were taking the "whatever happens, happens" approach. Well, nothing happened, but we didn't start with any kind of IF treatment until 7 months ago. No one knows we were trying before then, actually the people we have told about our IF struggles only know about the treatment we started with an RE four months ago. So they may think we've only been trying for four months although its really been almost a year and a half.

Message edited 1/8/2008 10:03:34 AM.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

After reading all these posts I realized that I am not the only person with IF issues who found your "vent" insulting. When someone is trying for a baby for however long a time it seems like an eternity to them. Why don't you try to reach out to your brother? Maybe they have different issues with you? Just remember you'll never really understand heartache until it has personally broke you.. Like every month one of us IF girls get AF or yet another devastating phone call from our Dr. saying next month its going to happen.. OBTW This post seems very familiar to me I could swear I read this under a different name?!

Message edited 1/8/2008 10:21:10 AM.

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

I have also been thinking about this post. While I don't think that the poster is intentionally being insensitive you should know now that you are. I AM a person that has suffered miscarriages(3) and an ectopic in which I lost a fallopian tube(making it harder for me to conceive which I never had an issue with)

If you have not been in the situation you have NO IDEA what this is like. Now for me, being around children I can handle. I actually love it. I love being around my neice when i can(she lives out of state) and my closest friends have twins so I usually "borrow" one when we are together. That has literally saved me from falling into a deep, black hole of self pity. I can kiss a baby and sing to them....all the things I would do if I was a Mom.

Now the adults on the other hand are worse, much worse, I recently went to a family party on my DH's side where no one really knows my story-the questions started almost immediately. How long have you been married?
2 years
When are you going to have a baby?
When it happens

I urge the OP to STOP putting yourself and your brother first. Try to give your SIL teh benefit for the doubt and DO NOT poison your family against her. I hope you do the right thing

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Re: Vent: SIL is a grinch!

Alright~ everyone back away from the stones.....

Look, she was VENTING~ something we all do and NEED to do once in awhile. The fact that she did it under an alias, shows she didn't want to intentionally hurt anyone.

Having not gone through IF, she can't POSSIBLY understand the pain involved. While the opinions and heartfelt insight into the pain of IF from the IF ladies is VERY much needed in this case, I think people are being a little harsh.

Lemme I give an anecdote: Way back years ago, my sister would suffer from debilitating panic attacks. She would call me at all hours of the night crying and freaking out about what seemed like NOTHING to me. I admit it~ I lost my patience with her and her "problem" (yes~ I put in in QUOTES becasue at the time I didn't see it as a real issue). I would complain to my then FH about what a weak person she must be that she can't handle a little stress.

Well, Murphey's Law revealed itself and right before my wedding, in my first year of grad school, I began suffering panic attacks. Well~ that problem was no longer to be referred to in QUOTES any longer. I now UNDERSTOOD the true awfulness that is anxiety disorders. To this day, I suffer such guilt that I wasn't more supportive of my sister when she needed me to pull her out of those panic attacks.

Moral: Don't judge til you've been through it yourself. This includes being on the other side of this IF issue: the people who have never been through it and just don't understand the pain of it.