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Sweets13
Bella Bambini
Member since 5/05 9300 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by colette
IDS will be in martial arts from age 4 on; Before he was even born my DH made that plan, as he has derived SO MUCH confidence from his MA studies - he wishes he started this path at a younger age. And he's not a "fighter" but he's got a certain confidence and discipline that just says "Don't *f* with me." I want that for my child as he grows and will seek it at every opportunity.
DH was in MA and and said from day one, that DS will be enrolled in MA as soon as he is of age. DS has been in MA for 4 months and LOVES it. He will be 4 in September. The confidence/discipline they teach the kids at such a young age is fantastic. DD will be enrolled too.
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Posted 3/24/10 1:43 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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pickles16
Real Estate Professional
Member since 11/07 17227 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
this infuriates me beyond words...at 17 I would hope that kids are mature enough to realize how hurtful they can be...I swear this may get me flamed but I would torture those kids that bullied her, make them live a hell that this poor girl did in unfathomable ways...G-d help me for saying that but it's honestly the way I feel...
That poor family
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| Posted 3/24/10 1:46 PM |
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Novem05
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/06 677 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by colette
Posted by rojerono
I will tell you what.. I don't think a lot of bullies have an inflated sense of self worth.. I think it is the opposite. I think they cover their underdeveloped sense of worth by picking on other people. Step on people to make yourself feel bigger.
Maybe I'm crazy.. but my experience has always been that the most confident kids never had to pick on people to make themselves feel better. Same with adults.
Agree one thousand percent!!!! I *always* feel like the bully is being pushed around, somewhere, by someone, so that's the ONLY coping skill he/she's developed. And sometimes it works, so it gets reinforced. Children learn what they live, it's as simple (and as complex) as that.
I couldn't agree more!
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| Posted 3/24/10 1:52 PM |
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Sweets13
Bella Bambini
Member since 5/05 9300 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by curliegirl
There is a book called It Takes a Parent by Betsy Hart.
EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK
She talks about the overgrowth of parents teaching their children that they are the center of the universe, basically exactly what Marisa said, almost word for word.
Self esteem is built by dealing with and accepting defeat, loss and disappointment, not mommy telling you that even though you didn't make the team, you're the best and SHOULD have made it, or that you can have whatever you like because we don't want to upset you, and even though you did nothing to deserve that cookie, I'll give it to you because *I* think you're the best. That is a false sense of self-esteem, that is EGO.
We as parents have a tremendous responsibility to our children to save them from becoming these little cruel monsters that have no respect for anyone, even themselves.
I urge you to all pick up a copy of this book.....
Gina, DH is a coach and I am so thankful for that because he has taught ME how to teach our kids about self esteem. He has seen alot in his days of coaching and I have seen his frustration when parents confront him.
I am going to pick up the book you recommended.
ETA: another thing I was told NOT to do was always tell your kids that they are the most beautiful! YOU can think it and KNOW it..but don't fill your kids head up with it.
Message edited 3/24/2010 2:25:41 PM.
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| Posted 3/24/10 2:04 PM |
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mommy2B3
2 boys 2 girls!!!!
Member since 7/08 3324 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
I feel so bad for this child and her family, how heartbreaking.
Now I may get flamed for this, especially after reading some things people have said about bullies in general. But I was a bully in middle school and high school. And I want to say that my parents had NOTHING to do with this. My parents were the best parents, and I hate to think that they were blamed for me being a bully. I don't blame my behavior on other people because well I could have stopped it, and eventually did. But I do have to say that I was a sweet kind kid, then I started hanging out with the cheering squad more often after practice etc., and was kind of cornered like be a bully, or be bullied. In middle school I wasn't willing to be bullied, so it was just easier to become a bully as well.
I hate the way I acted growing up, and nothing excuses the way I acted. I got a severe wake up call when one of the girls I was bullying put my name as #2 on a "hit list" going around our school. I realized they feared going to school the way I then feared for my life.
Anyways I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in here, because I think sometimes parents are to blame, but really its just society and environment, and who your kid hangs out with. You don't know how often I pray about my son not having to pay for how I was in school, I cry at the thought of him going to school...
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| Posted 3/24/10 2:49 PM |
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
How utterly horrible. 
I saw what my sister went through being bulled EVERYDAY from elementary school into her last days of high school. Its heartbreaking.
If I EVER, and I mean, EVER find out that one of my children bullied another child I will go ape sh!t. And this will be discussed so they know that I mean business. I think if more parents had a discussion with their children and laid down the law it would be a better world. But you know what? The kids learn from their parents and every bully that bothered me and my sister had parents that stuck up for them and made excuses. Its sickening!
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| Posted 3/24/10 2:56 PM |
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Sweets13
Bella Bambini
Member since 5/05 9300 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by mrspalomino148
I feel so bad for this child and her family, how heartbreaking.
Now I may get flamed for this, especially after reading some things people have said about bullies in general. But I was a bully in middle school and high school. And I want to say that my parents had NOTHING to do with this. My parents were the best parents, and I hate to think that they were blamed for me being a bully. I don't blame my behavior on other people because well I could have stopped it, and eventually did. But I do have to say that I was a sweet kind kid, then I started hanging out with the cheering squad more often after practice etc., and was kind of cornered like be a bully, or be bullied. In middle school I wasn't willing to be bullied, so it was just easier to become a bully as well.
I hate the way I acted growing up, and nothing excuses the way I acted. I got a severe wake up call when one of the girls I was bullying put my name as #2 on a "hit list" going around our school. I realized they feared going to school the way I then feared for my life.
Anyways I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in here, because I think sometimes parents are to blame, but really its just society and environment, and who your kid hangs out with. You don't know how often I pray about my son not having to pay for how I was in school, I cry at the thought of him going to school...
I'm assuming your parents never knew you were a bully?
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| Posted 3/24/10 3:07 PM |
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johnsae
Sip.
Member since 3/06 18677 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
I had a very hard time in 8th and 9th grade...so bad that I thought about suicide. This is a big fear of mine for my daughter...I can't deal with the thought of her being bullied or not accepted. I get really angry just thinking about it....I don't know how I'm going to handle it because it happens to everyone at some extent.
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| Posted 3/24/10 3:19 PM |
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mommy2B3
2 boys 2 girls!!!!
Member since 7/08 3324 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by Sweets13
Posted by mrspalomino148
I feel so bad for this child and her family, how heartbreaking.
Now I may get flamed for this, especially after reading some things people have said about bullies in general. But I was a bully in middle school and high school. And I want to say that my parents had NOTHING to do with this. My parents were the best parents, and I hate to think that they were blamed for me being a bully. I don't blame my behavior on other people because well I could have stopped it, and eventually did. But I do have to say that I was a sweet kind kid, then I started hanging out with the cheering squad more often after practice etc., and was kind of cornered like be a bully, or be bullied. In middle school I wasn't willing to be bullied, so it was just easier to become a bully as well.
I hate the way I acted growing up, and nothing excuses the way I acted. I got a severe wake up call when one of the girls I was bullying put my name as #2 on a "hit list" going around our school. I realized they feared going to school the way I then feared for my life.
Anyways I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in here, because I think sometimes parents are to blame, but really its just society and environment, and who your kid hangs out with. You don't know how often I pray about my son not having to pay for how I was in school, I cry at the thought of him going to school...
I'm assuming your parents never knew you were a bully?
My parents didn't know I was a bully, how would they? Nobody called home about it, and its not as if I would pick on kids in front of them.
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| Posted 3/24/10 3:29 PM |
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Sweets13
Bella Bambini
Member since 5/05 9300 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by johnsae
I had a very hard time in 8th and 9th grade...so bad that I thought about suicide. This is a big fear of mine for my daughter...I can't deal with the thought of her being bullied or not accepted. I get really angry just thinking about it....I don't know how I'm going to handle it because it happens to everyone at some extent.
I am more scared for my DD than I am my for my DS. To be honest, I never wanted a DD because of what I witnessed at school and what I witness now.
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| Posted 3/24/10 3:37 PM |
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littlejoy06
Love
Member since 3/07 6944 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
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| Posted 3/24/10 3:38 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by Sweets13
committed suicide over being cyber bullied
This is a comment from her father
"I'm not hiding what happened in hopes it saves another kid... They don't understand how much suffering and pain this does to those that are left... Remember her for all the positive things. She was always upbeat, always the competitor, always sticking up for her friends."
What makes this even worse (in my mind) is that her father is a high ranking officer in the NYPD. I have worked with him numerous times and have always found him to be a great person, full of life and very devoted to his family. I think as people who wear a shield everyday, we think we can fix everything that is wrong around us. We think we can see the signs of our loved ones hurting, and handle whatever aches their heart and soul. But it is events like these that slap us in the face and make us realize that we are not superman or superwoman. It makes us realize that sometimes, no matter how hard we protect or how completely we love, it can all end in a horrific scene. I cannot even imagine what my boss, his wife and family is going thru right now. God Bless you Alexis Skye.
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| Posted 3/24/10 4:26 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by rojerono
Maybe I'm crazy.. but my experience has always been that the most confident kids never had to pick on people to make themselves feel better. Same with adults.
I worked in high schools for 7 years and you are 100% correct. The real leaders in a school are the ones who have confidence and compassion. They aren't the ones bullying other kids, in fact, they are often the ones standing up for other kids.
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| Posted 3/24/10 4:35 PM |
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HeathKernandez
Our Ron is an awesome Ron
Member since 4/07 9091 total posts
Name:
baby fish mouth
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by curliegirl
Posted by HeathKernandez
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by Sweets13
The problem that I have seen/heard is that once you report it to the school, the kid is picked on even more. I also heard that the parents of the bullies are no better. It seems that there is no where to turn and doing something about it only makes it worse for the kid who is being bullied. What the he LL
are these kids/parents supposed to do? This is reason why some kids who are being bullied NEVER tell their parents in fear that they might make it worse by reporting it.
Ugh...I hope they find out who those biatches are that bullied this 17 yr old. I hope they are tormented for their selfish actions!
Kids are cruel - and in REAL LIFE so are adults - I honestly believe that part of the problem lately is that we coddle our kids too much 'everyone is a winner, everyone makes the team, everyone gets a prize' etc etc when they're very young, b/c everyone is so paranoid about hurting their 'self image' ....so they never learn the coping skills necessary to deal with REAL LIFE situations as they grow up. -
I am sure at one point in time EVERY single person has been made fun of or tormented in some way - it's part of life, people can be cruel - sometimes you don't make the baseball team, you know what? it means you weren't good enough of a player, it sucks and it's devestating and it makes you feel like crap and as a parent I absolutely DREAD this day - but you know what? it's REAL life - You need to find something ELSE that you can excel at b/c instead of going up to the school and throwing a fit and pointing fingers and placing blame, I think it's MORE important for me to teach my kid that everyone is great at SOMETHING, and rather than dwelling on what you don't like about yourself, and what you may not be able to change, you need to concentrate and focus on the things you DO like about yourself and what you can improve on - It's MY responsibility to make sure my kid develops the life skills to handle any and all situations - it's not my responsibility to make sure my kid's feelings are never hurt -
I am not at all placing blame on the parents here - but you can not put 100% of the blame for this on some 17 year old kid who's just being a 'bully' - do you want to break their face? sure - but really? they're 17 years old .......or even younger - and people don't get much better at 25 or 40 or 60 .......they are who they are -
So rather than stressing over what I can't control, I feel I need to do my best to prepare my kid for anything and everything that may come his way -
I totally disagree... I have a school aged son and they ARE NOT always coddled. Sure there is a more 'everyone wins' attitude when they're really little but I don't think that's a bad thing... Kids need encouragement when they are little to build their self esteem.
The thing is that THESE DAYS there are so many different ways for kids to be cruel to each other anonymously... these kids live and socialize on the computer from a very early age and it is part of life these days...
There is a book called It Takes a Parent by Betsy Hart.
EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK
She talks about the overgrowth of parents teaching their children that they are the center of the universe, basically exactly what Marisa said, almost word for word.
Self esteem is built by dealing with and accepting defeat, loss and disappointment, not mommy telling you that even though you didn't make the team, you're the best and SHOULD have made it, or that you can have whatever you like because we don't want to upset you, and even though you did nothing to deserve that cookie, I'll give it to you because *I* think you're the best. That is a false sense of self-esteem, that is EGO.
We as parents have a tremendous responsibility to our children to save them from becoming these little cruel monsters that have no respect for anyone, even themselves.
I urge you to all pick up a copy of this book.....
I'm not talking about the overgrowth of parents. When they're little little... yeah-- I like the everyone gets a shot, everyone is a winner attitude... but when they reach a certain age (like my son has) they DO compete and they DO learn loss... I've experienced it first hand. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your child they did their best and they are the best when they're little...
My son is very confident and takes his losses in stride as well as when he wins.
And know what? I think my kid IS the best and I will tell him everyday. He's a kid who knows he's loved and feels safe and has tremendous empathy.
thanks but I'll pass on the book
There is no formula to raising kids... You have to see what type of kid you have an learn for yourself
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| Posted 3/24/10 4:49 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by HeathKernandez
Posted by curliegirl
Posted by HeathKernandez
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by Sweets13
The problem that I have seen/heard is that once you report it to the school, the kid is picked on even more. I also heard that the parents of the bullies are no better. It seems that there is no where to turn and doing something about it only makes it worse for the kid who is being bullied. What the he LL
are these kids/parents supposed to do? This is reason why some kids who are being bullied NEVER tell their parents in fear that they might make it worse by reporting it.
Ugh...I hope they find out who those biatches are that bullied this 17 yr old. I hope they are tormented for their selfish actions!
Kids are cruel - and in REAL LIFE so are adults - I honestly believe that part of the problem lately is that we coddle our kids too much 'everyone is a winner, everyone makes the team, everyone gets a prize' etc etc when they're very young, b/c everyone is so paranoid about hurting their 'self image' ....so they never learn the coping skills necessary to deal with REAL LIFE situations as they grow up. -
I am sure at one point in time EVERY single person has been made fun of or tormented in some way - it's part of life, people can be cruel - sometimes you don't make the baseball team, you know what? it means you weren't good enough of a player, it sucks and it's devestating and it makes you feel like crap and as a parent I absolutely DREAD this day - but you know what? it's REAL life - You need to find something ELSE that you can excel at b/c instead of going up to the school and throwing a fit and pointing fingers and placing blame, I think it's MORE important for me to teach my kid that everyone is great at SOMETHING, and rather than dwelling on what you don't like about yourself, and what you may not be able to change, you need to concentrate and focus on the things you DO like about yourself and what you can improve on - It's MY responsibility to make sure my kid develops the life skills to handle any and all situations - it's not my responsibility to make sure my kid's feelings are never hurt -
I am not at all placing blame on the parents here - but you can not put 100% of the blame for this on some 17 year old kid who's just being a 'bully' - do you want to break their face? sure - but really? they're 17 years old .......or even younger - and people don't get much better at 25 or 40 or 60 .......they are who they are -
So rather than stressing over what I can't control, I feel I need to do my best to prepare my kid for anything and everything that may come his way -
I totally disagree... I have a school aged son and they ARE NOT always coddled. Sure there is a more 'everyone wins' attitude when they're really little but I don't think that's a bad thing... Kids need encouragement when they are little to build their self esteem.
The thing is that THESE DAYS there are so many different ways for kids to be cruel to each other anonymously... these kids live and socialize on the computer from a very early age and it is part of life these days...
There is a book called It Takes a Parent by Betsy Hart.
EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK
She talks about the overgrowth of parents teaching their children that they are the center of the universe, basically exactly what Marisa said, almost word for word.
Self esteem is built by dealing with and accepting defeat, loss and disappointment, not mommy telling you that even though you didn't make the team, you're the best and SHOULD have made it, or that you can have whatever you like because we don't want to upset you, and even though you did nothing to deserve that cookie, I'll give it to you because *I* think you're the best. That is a false sense of self-esteem, that is EGO.
We as parents have a tremendous responsibility to our children to save them from becoming these little cruel monsters that have no respect for anyone, even themselves.
I urge you to all pick up a copy of this book.....
I'm not talking about the overgrowth of parents. When they're little little... yeah-- I like the everyone gets a shot, everyone is a winner attitude... but when they reach a certain age (like my son has) they DO compete and they DO learn loss... I've experienced it first hand. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your child they did their best and they are the best when they're little...
My son is very confident and takes his losses in stride as well as when he wins.
And know what? I think my kid IS the best and I will tell him everyday. He's a kid who knows he's loved and feels safe and has tremendous empathy.
thanks but I'll pass on the book
There is no formula to raising kids... You have to see what type of kid you have an learn for yourself
I have to say though, I have read this as well, and not in that book. In another one called " Taking back Childhood".. ( AWESOME BOOK BTW!) ....About how we more so then ever tell our children they are perfect, they are the most special kid in the world, in the universe etc. It sounds harmless yes, and we all do it, but it tells of how some children DO believe this, they grow up believing what parents are using as terms of endearment and thats what is contributing to this ME ME ME attitude that the tweens/teens these days have ( The collective group)
It tells of ways to give appreciation and praise to chiildren these days which teach more empathy and compassion for others and not so obsessed with ME.
I didnt say that very eloquently but thats the generally idea. ( although I agree with the point being made in both books, I admit I have a hard time not doing it with my own kids....)
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| Posted 3/24/10 5:47 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
I just wish I could understand how a person, of any age lacks compassion for others?
At 17 we KNOW better, Hell we know better at 10!
I was bullied from 7th-9th grade and it was horrible, I hated myself and still deal with the pain it caused...I could NEVER udnerstand it, NEVER.
When I hear stories of kids pickign on kids...What the heck?
What is it that we are missing? Is it the parents? Is it the kid just lacks empathy?
I just wish I knew so I could teach my children better.
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| Posted 3/24/10 5:51 PM |
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cupcakekid
LIF Infant
Member since 9/09 291 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
such a sad story :(
adults bully too, look at all the work place shootings that go on in this world. it's sad that people have to constantly knock other people down to make themselves feel good
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| Posted 3/24/10 5:53 PM |
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MrsPowers
So blessed!
Member since 11/06 10348 total posts
Name:
Ivelysse
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by dm24angel
About how we more so then ever tell our children they are perfect, they are the most special kid in the world, in the universe etc. It sounds harmless yes, and we all do it, but it tells of how some children DO believe this, they grow up believing what parents are using as terms of endearment and thats what is contributing to this ME ME ME attitude that the tweens/teens these days have ( The collective group)
It tells of ways to give appreciation and praise to chiildren these days which teach more empathy and compassion for others and not so obsessed with ME.
I didnt say that very eloquently but thats the generally idea. ( although I agree with the point being made in both books, I admit I have a hard time not doing it with my own kids....)
I agree with this about telling our children they are the best. I teach at a HS and I had to be very honest and realistic with one of my 11th grade resource room students today. He really thinks that he can handle three college level classes next year and I keep trying to tell him that I do not think good idea. He gets all upset with me and says that I am being negative and not believing in him. I tell him that no I am being realistic which no one else is doing. Why would others want to set a kid up for failure? I don't get it.
Bullying is a serious issue! I will say that my school has strict consequences for bullying. However, there is a lot that goes on online and etc that is outside of the school day.
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| Posted 3/24/10 6:48 PM |
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Candy Girl
Candy girl- you are so sweet!
Member since 11/07 6349 total posts
Name:
erin
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
I was sexually harassed by a student during the 6th grade. It was so bad, I went to the cool male teacher and he kind of rolled his eyes. This same teacher told a partner that I was working on the project with that I was "insert ditzy movement here." Meanwhile, I was getting sexually harassed by a boy and his crew everyday at school, had no father figure to protect me and my Mom was so sick at the time. SO I took matters into my own hands--in the sixth grade. I told my Mom that the program I was in was too hard for me and I wanted to go to the mainstream classes. I lived across the street from the school, so it wasn't like I could switch. It was one of the best decisions I ever made! I met lifelong friends and got away from that horrible clique-y over-achiever "you're the best" "No--YOU'RE the best..." mindset. Regular folks.
The thing I just can't wrap my head around is what this girl could have been bullied ABOUT?? She was sooo pretty, athletic, she had friends, a loving family. I just don't understand.
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| Posted 3/24/10 7:08 PM |
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Sweets13
Bella Bambini
Member since 5/05 9300 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by Snickers
The thing I just can't wrap my head around is what this girl could have been bullied ABOUT?? She was sooo pretty, athletic, she had friends, a loving family. I just don't understand.
All the things you wrote are probably the reasons she was bullied. She was the girl who had it all.
Sorry for what you went through!
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| Posted 3/24/10 7:15 PM |
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Deedlebugs
Blessed
Member since 12/05 10281 total posts
Name:
Kiki
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
I actually cried putting Nina to bed tonight. I worry so much about her. I want so badly for her to know that nothing is ever that bad that she has to take her life. That she can always trust me to help her through such horrible things. I feel so bad for her parents. They must sit there just not understanding why she didn't count on them to help her fix this. I don't know how you can go on from that. My kids are my whole world, how do you wake up every single morning knowing one of them is no longer there.
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| Posted 3/24/10 7:59 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: 17 year old West Islip girl...
Posted by rojerono
I will tell you what.. I don't think a lot of bullies have an inflated sense of self worth.. I think it is the opposite. I think they cover their underdeveloped sense of worth by picking on other people. Step on people to make yourself feel bigger.
Maybe I'm crazy.. but my experience has always been that the most confident kids never had to pick on people to make themselves feel better. Same with adults.
You are so right!!!!
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| Posted 3/24/10 8:02 PM |
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