The Husband (or Wife) Experiment

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nrthshgrl
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Member since 7/05

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The Husband (or Wife) Experiment

Ok. Lot of personal stuff here so please don't quote because I'm sure by the end of the day I'll have a saner moment & need to edit this.

I know a lot of us are struggling with the new person or people that entered our lives a short time ago. Every priority you've ever had drops down the ladder once your kids arrive - especially your marriage/relationships.

For me the first few years were extremely difficult and at one point, divorce was seriously discussed. I went from happily mentally redecorating the house without him to sobbing alone in bed. I told him we were only roommates & that we weren't even good roommates. At one point, the gloves had come off & neither of us knew how to put them back on. We were no longer even being polite to each other.

I thought it was my duty to my children to leave DH because I felt he checked out of the relationship. Lord knows I didn't want my daughter accepting emotional crumbs from her husband nor did I want my kids thinking that fighting & drama was the norm for a relationship. The last thing I wanted was for them to learn from our inability to communicate.

I felt couple's therapy was our only hope. DH flat out refused to go. I cried; I threatened. I told him that it showed me how little he cared about our marriage and then I went anyway. All alone.

Luckily I found a good one. She pointed out many things about my marriage that I was missing. DH was attentive & did really love me. She also said that his refusal to go to therapy didn't mean that he didn't care about us. What she believed it meant was he was probably petrified of his own feelings. Bottling up those feelings was not only comfortable, it was essential for him. She also said that it doesn't necessarily take both parties going to therapy for it to work.

I started doing research on marriages (because it was easier to research it than to look at my own and hey it's what I do best Chat Icon ). I found this on the internet (it's been posted before):
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It was a story about a priest that led marriage counseling sessions. He told the couples to write down ten things they would do for their spouse *IF* they were IN LOVE with them. Then he said to completely ignore your feelings and do those ten things. Just do it. Make a new list each week. In two months he said they'd see a significant difference because while it's the thought that counts, sometimes it's the actions you need.
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So I started thinking about those ten things, even though I didn't feel he "deserved it" or that I had put in more effort. I didn't tell him what I had read, I just started doing them, the things I would do if I was in love with him (because let's face it there are times we really don't love them at all).

It changed a lot of the arguments we have and a lot of the mushy part of when we first started dating came back. I'm not saying I have it all figured out nor am I saying I should be anyone's example of marriage. Our marriage is definitely a work in progress. What I am saying is it helped me. It may help you but it certainly can't hurt.

So the real point of this long-winded post is...I thought if we try it & report the results back here weekly, we could see how well it works or didn't work.

You don't have to post your list or you can if you want to help give others more ideas.

So, anyone want in on the experiment?

Message edited 9/8/2013 2:07:05 PM.

Posted 8/24/07 8:35 AM