2nd UPDATE 3/31 -- UPDATE -- How much stress am I expected to manage before I implode? (too late!)

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Name:
Rebecca

2nd UPDATE 3/31 -- UPDATE -- How much stress am I expected to manage before I implode? (too late!)

I have a divalicious 2 year old who will be smarter than me by her 5th birthday... and a lovely gray streak right along the part in my hair to prove it. The only thing I know she'll never be is docile. And I love her for it, but I need a nap!

I'm pregnant with a beautiful baby boy... I know he's beautiful because a. he's my son and I'm obnoxious like that Chat Icon and b. because his 4D sono tells me he looks just like his daddy and I've loved his face for over a decade. He had a slightly elevated risk for spina bifida that I posted about previously and I have almost totally blocked from my mind because we decided we're not testing further and since his last sonogram looked good I'm going to just have faith that all will be fine. But it lingers...

And now, my husband has a lump in his neck the size of a golf ball. He's gone for testing, and then gone back for further testing and we're awaiting the results. It could be nothing. It could be something. But last night I was talking my big, strong 44-year old DH down from the ledge, watching his eyes well up in tears (for the 3rd time in 11 fricken years), explaining to him that even if it is the worst case something - that C word that I refuse to type - it's not necessarily a death sentence, and there's no point in worrying when you don't know what you're even worrying about.

My rational self knows all this and I'm trying to help my DH with my knowledge of the possiblities, and all the people we know who've fought and won, and I'm trying to keep myself sane because I'm pregnant and I can't get hysterical and worry about worst case scenarios when, like I said to him last night, we don't even know what we're worrying about... but um... now that I'm alone and there's no toddler to see, and no husband to know... I'm losing my ish.

I hate that I'm putting this out there, but right now I just need to get it out. It's not like me to not know how to deal with any situation. It's not like me to share myself with God knows how many people that I don't even really know... but I need a hug and to be told that everything is going to be okay and all this worry really will be for nothing. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

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UPDATE: My DH's doctor just called and said he has squamous cell carcinoma. I already googled and I feel like I know no more than I did before I googled. It doesn't look like the google pictures AT ALL. DH still has to see with the doctor to discuss all the details... hopefully they found it early and it's easily treatable. Actually, I feel like I know less than I knew before he heard the doctor. Then I was able to be confident that it would be nothing. Now it's a something. Please pray for us that it's just a small something. Chat Icon

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UPDATE 2. I don't remember exactly when I made my last update but since then we have seen an oncologist and a radiation oncologist, my DH has had a CT/PET scan, several scopes, a biopsy this morning and we've made half a dozen different doctor's appointments.

The end result.. he has cancer and needs to go through six and a half weeks of radiation and chemo therapy. They believe they will get it all and the recovery rates are good -- 85% -- and for that I am more grateful than I can express in mere words, because as always, I know it could be worse...

The only problem is we're racing against the clock. My clock. Because I'm 26.5 weeks pregnant and yesterday my OB said I'm measuring a little large...

just like my last pregnancy when I gave birth 4 days early.

If we don't get in to see the medical oncologist sooner rather than later (and right now the appointment is 3 weeks away), his treatment will end only a couple of weeks before I give birth. The doctor said he won't start to feel better until a couple of weeks after the radiation stops.

A newborn, a toddler and a husband on the mend from chemo and radiation treatments. (this is where the implosion happens - I'm fine, really, but I'm screaming on the inside.)

I've always believed that you don't get more than you can handle, but someone somewhere has mighty high expectations of me and I think they need to take it down a notch.

Thank you for reading, for your hugs, prayers and fms. They mean a lot.

Message edited 3/31/2010 6:08:31 PM.

Posted 3/9/10 12:14 PM