A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I am a WAHM(I am very lucky). Ok so here is my question? Am I the only one that is totally freaked out at the thought of totally being a SAHM because of the independence factor. By this I mean, I have such a huge need to know that if DH walked out tomorrow, financially I would be OK. I could do it and that feels great to me.
Here is the perfect senario, a friend of mine that was married for 10 years and had 2 kids, she had a great marriage. Or so she thought. about 2 years ago, she caught her DH cheating after finding some receipts for Hotel Rooms . He confesses to a 4 year affair with a women at work and walks out to be with this women. She gave up her career to be a SAHM as was completely dependent on him. He moved in with the women,, stopped paying the mortgage(huge beautiful home), she lost the house and moved into an apt. with her girls. She found an entry level job after being out of the workforce for many years. She is struggling BIGTIME.

This scares the life out of me. Do I think DH would EVER do this?, no. But either did she. I have learned to never say never. Is this a factor for anyone else?

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

No, its not why I work but it certainly is a benefit should anything ever happen to DH.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Definitely. My parents got divorced after 35 years, and my mom needed to support herself until she retired. Had she never worked, she never would have been able to do that.

If something happened w/ DH, I could pay our mortgage and expenses on my salary alone, and that security is a great feeling.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Is it something I worry about? Not really. Has it ever crossed my mind? Sure!

If god forbid it did happen, I would go back to work. Chances are, any money that I made if I was working now would be basically gone anyway (towards bills, I would shop more, we would vacation more) so it's not like I would have a fund saved up all for myself.

It's not a reason for me to work, instead of being a SAHM though.

I don't like to play the "What if" game really. There are too many scary scenarios out there, and I would end up never leaving my house if I did.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

This is one of the main reason I still work PT.

I have seen what happened to my mom after 32 years of marriage and nothing to show for and having to get a probono divorce lawyer because she did not have a dime.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Yes! My mom was a SAHM and when my parents got divorced she was a single mom of 5 kids with no income. We got by but it was rough. I always said I would choose a stable career that I'll never have to worry about not being able to provide for my family. I make double what DH makes- so I will always be a working mom and I'm totally ok with it because I'm providing for my family.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

NO, i don't think like that at all.
thats just me though.

besides i have no choice but to be a SAHM, so i have to be positive about it

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I'm pretty confident that I would be okay, but only because my parents would be very helpful and supportive. I would move back to the US and move in with them until I get back on my feet. They're both young and retired and I know they would look after DS if I needed them to while I worked.

ETA - I have no intention of being a SAHM forever either. When the kids are in school (or possibly even before) I will definitely go back to work. I figure I was in the market for a career change anyway and I think having children is a great explanation for a gap in your resume.

Message edited 7/27/2010 12:09:20 PM.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I was worried about this at first.

DH said that if we ever were to get divorced, I would be getting a lot of alimony and child support.

Is there a chance that we fall out of love and get divorced one day? Of course. It would be naive not to think that there is some chance of this.

DH isn't the type of guy who would kick us to the curb.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

The thought def has crossed my mind...I saw my parents get divorced after almost 30 years of marriage bc my Dad went to be with another woman..My mom worked since I was five years old so she was fine thank g-d. I'm not naive in the least, and I know NEVER say NEVER, but I don't see DH ever abandoning his children..even if he decided to leave ME, I don't see him abandoning his children...as for ME, I'm pretty confident that I would do what I would need to do to support my kids and get back on my feet

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Being someone that worked since I was 16, now being a SAHM and not having an income of my own does scare me a little. I'm not that comfortable being dependent on DH for money, but we are doing what we think is best for DS.

I watched my parents and every one of my uncles' marriages dissolve after 20+ years to be with other women, and unfortunately, not one of them took care of their first wives and children. It was like out of sight, out of mind. Do I think DH is capable of that? No, but then again, I didn't think my own father was capable of that either.

I plan on going back to work (even if only PT) eventually so that I have a little nest egg.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I'm with you, if for slightly different reasons.

My mom was a SAHM until my dad died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 15. There was life insurance but it wasn't much in the grand scheme of things so she had to go back to work.

For someone who did actually live on her own and support herself financially in her early twenties you would think she would not have had much of a problem. However, that was in the late 60s early 70s before computers so she had no experience with them, plus she did not have a college education. So she didn't have a lot of options.

I swore I would always keep my skills up to date even if I exited the workforce so I would never struggle like she did.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

It's realistic. You arenot alone in your concerns.

Either through death or divorce your marriage will end - and if it's not you who does the dying, you're supporting yourself.

I do worry for my friends that are SAHMs. It's not just divorce. I have a friend that was widowed in February. Making that adjustment back to the workforce was difficult - combined with handling the emotional loss of her husband and her children's loss as well.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

My dad became disabled while my parents were married. She had to go into the workforce at a time when women were still being paid substantially less then men. Keeping a foot in the workforce (and knowing you can support yourself and your kids) is a good thing regardless.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I don't worry, but I am going to start taking classes leading up to some kind of medical certification.

I would never want to go back to my old career.
A lot of my friends were laid off during the bank merger time. Except they were already depending on 2 incomes. Left with just 1.
I would worry about that more.
dh and i are not tapped out...we look at me as a paycheck on the backburner
i live a very modest lifestyle. If I had to swing it solo, it would not take much at all.

honestly, i would probably babysit until jessie went to school.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I work partime now, a couple days a week during the school year.

I know you guys are talking aboout divorce type of situations but we found out recently that DH's stable and wonderful job may be gone as the company is relocating. I think they will offer relocation to him, but prob not enough for us to go with the company. So most likely DH will have to find a new job. I am sick about this b/c even though he has a degree and experience, its tough to get a job out there now. THANK GOD I am still working...even parttime b/c my foot is still in the door should I need to up my days/hours.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I say never say never.

And like mentioned above, it does not have to be divorce. My father passed away very suddenly of a heart attack 2 months ago at the age of 58. He was remarried for about 20 years, my younger brother is just graduating high school. My stepmom was left with nothing - my father didn't have life insurance. And now she has to support herself and my brother.

I also have someone very close to me who married young and has been a SAHM. She is dying to be able to work, but she has no real experience and has been out of work for the better part of a decade. She is also unhappy in her marriage, but puts up with a lot because she feels she has no other option. What would she do without her DH? (her point of view).

Now that I have DS, I would LOVE to stay home with him more. If we had the means for me to stay home, I would have to reallllly consider it because I just would love to be there with DS, but I would also worry about the future.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I am a WM and I worry.

One of the reasons I am not a SAHM is because of the pressure of supporting a family on one income should the shiit hit the fan. However, if I really wanted to be a SAHM this fear wouldn't keep me from it.

However, DH and I live modestly on our two incomes so that if one of us loses our position we can sustain the family on one income-it would be tight but we could do it.

Now, if we both lose our jobs we would be up a creek eventually.

Re: A different SAHM vs. WAHM/Working Mom???

I worry about stuff like this all the time and it's why I would never be a SAHM. I need to feel secure enough at maintaining a career and making money/providing benefits to my family. I am a child of divorce though whose mom worked really hard after she was divorced and today is a big time executive so I think that is where i get a lot of my worry and drive from.

While all situations are different, I totally understand why someone would want to be a SAHM when their children are younger. It's an important time in your children's lives and trust me as a WM I know how hard it is for me to leave them. Plus I understand that for a few years you might just have to suck up the worry and do what your family needs you to do.

What I don't get is the women who have kids in school and do not do part time or even volunteer work when no one is home most of the day. I would never allow myself to do that. Besides the social interaction I think everyone needs, I think it's so beneficial to at least bring in some money to support your family when the kids are at school most of the day. There are part time jobs out there that a woman can do and still be home when the kids get home. I don't care if I get flamed here for my thoughts on this, its just the way I feel.

And as for everyone who mentioned that DH would never kick them or their kids to the curb, I remind them you never know what will happen. You DH might not do that, but he might not be willing to provide you the money to live in the house he lived in with you while he is renting an apartment. I have seen too many divorces where things like this have happened. And if you don't have life insurance and your DH should pass away suddenly you again probably won't have the money to continue the way you were living. However, like I said I am a worrier, most of the people that I know are not and don't think the way I do. I had too many life experiences to think any other way.