A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

I cannot believe I'm going to do this. I love long hair, but my DD#1 has a different thought I suppose and she looks (I hate to say) utterly rediculous.

I was in the hospital for 4 days having my DD#2, during that time my DH had not been putting #1's hair up (he claims it was too hard to do - whatever). Well, I guess that and the stress of my absence - and a sudden absence it was... my water broke after #1 went to bed, so next time she saw me was in the hospital which may have been a bad idea to have had her come... she looked terrified when DH strolled her in... but regardless... she started pulling her hair out. Even more gross - she puts it in her mouth. You can only imagine the obnoxious comments I get from family, friends and strangers - who make it clear (even though they pretend to talk baby talk to DD) that I must be doing something wrong to "allow" this behavior... like I'm supposed to grab a blade and cut her hands off or something. We spoke to the pediatrician... he suggested a hat and told us the worst thing we can do is make a big deal about it or remove her hand from her hair - meanwhile making a big deal is exactly what others are doing. We also tried the long hair doll thing to let her pull that - didn't work. We tried hats - even hats that velcro or tie and she pulls them off - or runs when we approach her with them. So with tears in my eyes I ask...

Can anyone recommend anybody who specializes in childrens hair cuts? Maybe who may even have experience with such odd behavior that can even out her hair and even do something with it that can prevent her from grabbing it. I never thought I'd cut her hair, but she has hardly any hair on one side of her hair and plenty on the other... people have even accused me of giving her a bad haircut - probably in jest, but they have no clue how angry the hair pulling makes me and how upset I am that she looks the way she does. She's a gorgeous kid, and was born with an amazing head of thick dark hair... absolutely gorgeous and she destroyed it. Anyway, I'm obviously upset about this so any recommendations for a hair cutter would be great. I'll keep her in plenty of pink... I can't wait to hear all the "oh how old is he?" comments

Could also use tips on how to politely tell people to STFU. I'm sick of the big deal made about the hair and even more sick of "does that thumb taste good, like chocolate or strawberries". I've thought about saying "if you don't STFU you're going to have an eye that looks like chocolate and strawberries", but instead I just keep it inside and it boils in me. Yes, she sucks her thumb and no I'm not going to cut her hands off for that either. Again, the doctor has NO issue with this... society has an issue, but a 16 month old should not have to conform to what a 60 year old grand parent thinks or any other joe on the street. Anyway, no flaming please, I could just use a quick one liner that will tell people they're crossing a line without starting a fist fight. I don't think I've ever actually had a fist fight, but I'm pretty sensitive about my DD's.

ETA: I even try giving her a hug when she pulls, but she just pulls while I hold her. Same with DH and she is such a daddy's girl, but she also pulls bad when he goes to work. In fact anything that frustrates her. So unfortunately, I can honestly say we've tried everything. Doc even says stop trying and learn to let it go.

Message edited 9/22/2009 1:56:36 PM.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

First As far as her hair-my nephew has alopecia-so at times he loses large chunks of hair and part sof his eyebrows, etc. People have commented on it and we just say he has alopecia and they usually STFU. I guarantee the first time you speak sharp words to someone regarding this they will get the message.

My friend Kim owns her own shop and has cut my nephews hair so I think she would know womething about it. It is in Northport and you can tell her Melissa sent you-you may be able to talk to her before and she can let you know if she can fix it-I am sure she can. The name is Salon Domane

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

I do not know a hairdresser for you but I wanted to give you .

Being a mom is hard. Hang in there. I am sure this is just a phase.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Aw! I am so sorry that your family is going through this! People can be so insensitive!! I don't really have much advice. I suppose you can tell strangers that you just had another baby and that this is DD's way of adjusting. I feel for you that you should have to explain or justify what your DD is doing to perfect strangers and/or family. At only 16 months, I am trying to think of what other outlet she would be able to have. I assume diversion doesn't work?

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

I don't have any suggestions on how to have her stop pulling her hair but for those people that continue to make comments say this:

You are crossing a line that is none of your business.

And leave it at that. Hopefully it will shut them up.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

1st it sounds like your daughter is manifesting her stress (new baby, mommy in the hospital, upsetting her routine, bad comments, etc) by pulling out her hair. It is a common stress reliever. for both of you. You need to rally your troops. Insofar as saying to immediate family, this is obviously stressful for DD and your comments are NOT helping the situation at all. I would get her a short hair cut, pixie or something else that will reduce the impact of the pulling. It will even things out and the hair will grow back. I would also talk to your DC about having a new sibling. Even though she is only 16 months old she will benefit from talking things out. She may not have the verbal skills to express herself, but her actions are speaking louder than words ever could.

I would try to give her a new toy or something from DC2. Explain that she is not being replaced. That you love her very much. That she is special and wonderful. That she is and will always be your baby. Can you give her special time? Or sit and read to both of them at once?

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Thank you all for the 's. It's been hard enough w/o the comments, plus as anyone who has ever had a new baby knows - your tired and at times you want to pull your OWN hair out

Even the thumb sucking... I personally did a lot of research on the topic before DD was even born (she was sucking her thumb in a sono photo so I had a clue she may be into it when she got out). I asked the doctor about that too a long time ago. He was totally cool about it and told me - leave it be for now, it's okay and promised me we'll deal with it when the time comes.

Anyway, DH's granmother hand the cohones to PULL DD's thumb out of her mouth and fight her not to pull her hair. I know she's an 85 year old lady who doesn't really understand (and english isn't her first language so trying to explain is worthless unless I learn Italian very fast)... but it was wrong. I've noticed my MIL makes comments to the baby about it "tasting good", "chocolate", and another family member made a comment yesterday about it. I don't want to alienate myself, but I'm just sick of it. Plus, if it can somehow even "hurt" DD to make a deal about it, then by all means... these people have no right. My grandMIL and my MIL did a fine job of messing up 2 generations of DH and his brothers and his father... let's stop it at this generaton .

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

The hair thing needs to be addressed to your family as it is a true issue that your little one needs support in overcoming.

As for the thumbsucking- meh, I don't see the harm in asking a toddler if their thumb tastes like chocolate. My second sucks her thumb and people make similar comments all the time. I've never thought to get annoyed at it- and I;m a speech therapist who KNOWS haw bad thumbsucking *could* be.

It sounds like it's more WHO the comments are coming from, and thats another issue altogether. To keep the peace, I wouldn't even mention the comments. If someone pulls her thumb out of her mouth or says it's "bad" for her, just tell them the pediatrician says it's fine and leave it at that.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Why is thumb-sucking a big deal to them? She's 16 months, not 16 years old! My nearly 3yo still sucks her thumb when she gets tired or cranky .. she is doing it less and less nowadays so she is growing out of it. I'm not going to cause her extra stress and make her suck more by commenting on it. That would p*ss me off too and I hope you can tell them to please not comment on it anymore. Try not to let them get to you. It's better that your DD doesn't see that you are stressed over them making a big deal out of her thumb-sucking.

I think any place that cuts children's hair should be able to help you with your daughter's hair. Hopefully that's just a reaction to new stress and she'll grow out of it.



Congrats on your #2!!

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

BTW- I agree that a pixie cut would look ADORABLE. Believe me with 2 under 2 you'll appreciate not having to put her hair up every day.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

DD is getting attention by doing this, even if it is negative attention. She is needing this attention I am sure because of the new baby and the insecurity that can bring. I would call family and friends and/or e-mail them. I would just say the DD is having a hair pulling issue, you spoke to the Dr about it and we all need to be on board in ignoring it. Dr's orders! Put it on the Dr so they have nothing to say about you and DH. This way they know it is being addressed.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

I have no advice...hopefully this is just a phase she's going through.

Good Luck!

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

My goodness I didn't realize she'd pulled it that bad!

So the pediatrician isn't concerned? Personally, I think that for a toddler to feel that much anxiety that she pulls her own hair out might warrant a further look other than telling parents to "put on a hat". It doesn't sound like the ped is offering much support to you. Maybe a child psychologist might be a better person for you to get info from regarding how to make these transitions easier for DD.

GL

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Posted by babymakes3

Why is thumb-sucking a big deal to them? She's 16 months, not 16 years old! My nearly 3yo still sucks her thumb when she gets tired or cranky .. she is doing it less and less nowadays so she is growing out of it. I'm not going to cause her extra stress and make her suck more by commenting on it. That would p*ss me off too and I hope you can tell them to please not comment on it anymore. Try not to let them get to you. It's better that your DD doesn't see that you are stressed over them making a big deal out of her thumb-sucking.

I think any place that cuts children's hair should be able to help you with your daughter's hair. Hopefully that's just a reaction to new stress and she'll grow out of it.



Congrats on your #2!!

Message edited 9/22/2009 2:45:19 PM.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

I completely agree with Porruss. I think I would look into a specialist to help DD through the transition. At her age I would look for someone specializing in role playing with dolls to help her get through the transition. I would carve out special time for her daily. I am really sorry that you are going through this it must be so stressful and those added comments must make it that much worse. As for the haircut, I would try a place like Kidz Kutz. They are in the Livingston Mall in NJ. We use Nelly and she is great. I am not sure where to go on LI but I think they are a chain.

Is there any way possible to get DC into daycare 1/2 day a week once a week. She may miss her friends and that routine. I would ask her old daycare provider what they did and try to do that at home for her.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Awww, she's a beautiful girl, regardless of what her hair might look like. I am sure it's a phase and it will pass, but thinking that doesn't make it easier when you are in the thick of it.

I would simply tell the family that the doctor isn't overly concerned about it, so they shouldn't be either. I think you should try to say something, because I know if it were me, I could only go so long before I would just lose it on them, which is probably not the way you want it to go down.

One of my standby lines is simply, "I know you're concerned, but that is NOT helpful." If I'm challenged further I just say that I am working with the doctor on the issue and don't want to talk about it any further.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Posted by Porrruss

My goodness I didn't realize she'd pulled it that bad!

So the pediatrician isn't concerned? Personally, I think that for a toddler to feel that much anxiety that she pulls her own hair out might warrant a further look other than telling parents to "put on a hat". It doesn't sound like the ped is offering much support to you. Maybe a child psychologist might be a better person for you to get info from regarding how to make these transitions easier for DD.

GL

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

I am so sorry you are so stressed. Wish I could help.

ETA - Didnt read you said CLASSY ways, so I will edit my comment.

Also...I didnt read the whole thread, it def sounds as if she is having adjustment issues and it definitely warrants looking into more than your ped is suggesting IMO.

Message edited 9/22/2009 3:24:08 PM.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

First a huge thank you to everyone...

I do want to say, as far as any medical reason for the hair pulling... I decided to get a second opinion. Not from a baby shrink yet, but from a friend's mom who is in the pediatric field. I made the appt and have to say though, when I told the receptionist what the appt was for she did say "oh we have many patients that do that", so we will get a second opinion before we "shave" her head - LOL

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Ummm...my response as it is with everything in this catagory...

"That would fall in the area called 'none of your business'" said somewhat sweetly but also sarcastically. Usually gets the offender to STFU.

As for the hair pulling, I know she is young but try acknowledging her feelings about all the change around her. Something along the lines of- I know it must be scary to have Mommy just go away like that. I am sorry that happened. Simple language but addressing her fears. The hair pulling will stop soon as she adjusts I am sure. Don't worry about the comments- seriously- sarcasm saves my life most days

Hang in there!

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Aw, poor thing and poor you

I don't have rec but wanted to tell you that my sister did the same thing when she was young when my mom was in the hospital with my ther sister for weeks (my other sis had hodgkins disease and was hospitalized for awhile). when my mom would leave, my sister would sit by the door and scream and cry and pull out her hair. It will get better, she was just stressed.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

My DD did the exact same thing at that age although it never resulted in any significant hair loss. She would pull her hair if she was angry/frustrated with me and then put it in her mouth. SHe mostly did it, however, when she was falling asleep.

I **think** that she does not do it anymore or if she does it is not as often. Her ped was not overly concerned. I read a lot about it and I think, for her, it was connected to her binky. SO I actually got rid of the binky and it diminished. I think that she may still do it occasionally but she has never had any bald patches or thinning hair.

Many to you because I know how disconcerting it can be.

Re: A haircut for a 16 month old - a special situation and looking for advice on classy ways to stop unwanted comments

Once again, a thank you. I got reassurance now from 2 pediatric practices who feel this is nothing to be overly concerned about, she's hit all of her milestones on time or early. It's not Trichotillomania - which I got many FM's about, nor is it schizo which my grandmother had. Her situation is a little different. She doesn't just pull in stressful situations, she can be excited and do it too - she got beyond excited to see Elmo on TV today and pulled her hair as she danced to the music. As one person told me recently, when she's upset she'll do it kind of how some toddlers throw themselves on the floor or hold their breath when they don't get their way... this is her way of dealing with that, but it also just seems to be a habit when it's done at other times. It's just an odd habit, she's not sitting in the corner pulling her hair all day. I called the ped again, he said he's more concerned about getting her to a dermatologist at this point. He feels in a toddler as young as she is, this is not as much of a concern as it would be for an older child, plus developmentally she is thriving if not ahead of schedule on some things. He did say that if I felt more comfortable, he'd be happy to refer me to a child psychologist, but feels there are other steps we could take first. His hat suggestion was more to stop comments from others.

I will hold off on the hair cut till we see the dermatologist in October, unfortunately the doc was booked till mid-Oct. He's going to take a folicle and examine under a microscope, depending on his findings based on the report he sends to my reg pediatrician, we'll decide what the next step is. She did have cradle cap as a little baby and my sister was a hair-twirler. To put the concept of an emotional problem to rest, if the findings come back normal from the Derm, then I'll ask for a psych referal. If neither prove to solve the problem, she'll have a hair cut.

((HUGS)) for the advice though, it was good to be able to ask the doctors about specific concerns and get reassurance - twice.