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A relationship question for moms with babies...
Maybe its because I am with Cailen so much, but I'm wondering if this happens to other new moms...
Does the love that you have for your husband start to transfer over to your baby more - I dont mean in a weird Oedipal complex kind of way  but I mean - the attention and love gets shared, but because the baby needs so much more from you, they sort of become more important to you...
Does this make sense? I'm not saying the relationship with DH goes away, but in a way, you have more of a relationship with your baby... and thats what brings you the joy that your DH used to bring you?
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Posted 6/5/07 8:53 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
I totally understand what you're saying, and it took me a while to remind myself that JT needs to feel loved just as much as Ava. I think I finally have balanced it out. Once Ava stopped needing my constant attention, it became easier. But sometimes, I definitely feel this way.
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| Posted 6/5/07 8:58 PM |
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by prncss
I totally understand what you're saying, and it took me a while to remind myself that JT needs to feel loved just as much as Ava. I think I finally have balanced it out. Once Ava stopped needing my constant attention, it became easier. But sometimes, I definitely feel this way.
Thank you for responding...
the other day, I was holding Cailen and kissing him endlessly (I do this all the time  ) and DH said, "I would like to get kissed like that every once in a while..."
And I realized I havent kissed him in so long. I sleep downstairs in the living room with Cailen and DH sleeps in the bedroom, wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and comes home late at night. He eats dinner, we watch some TV, and he goes to bed... There has been so little intimacy and physical contact. But Cailen and I are together all the time - even going back to work, I wake up with him, and spend all night with him when he wakes up for feedings....
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:05 PM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
It's even more emphasized, I think, for us because JT is home with Ava all day, then goes to work while I'm home with her all night, so it's almost like our relationship exists in a 6 degrees of separation way through the baby
I do find that since Ava has been able to entertain herself the last few months, it leaves many more moments for me to spread the love to JT 
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:08 PM |
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by prncss
It's even more emphasized, I think, for us because JT is home with Ava all day, then goes to work while I'm home with her all night, so it's almost like our relationship exists in a 6 degrees of separation way through the baby
I do find that since Ava has been able to entertain herself the last few months, it leaves many more moments for me to spread the love to JT
I keep forgetting that there will be a time where Cailen will be able to take care of himself a little... Its hard to believe he wont be a little baby forever...
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:10 PM |
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ddunne2
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 4189 total posts
Name:
Doreen
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
I think when they are such tiny infants you can't help but focus all your energy and love on them. But it will even itself out as baby grows a little. And since I am home all day with both of them, it becomes the main focus and I absolutely have to make an effort to spend time with DH in the evenings and weekends. Consider it your "new normal!" But as I said, as your routine falls into place and the baby is not as depending on you 24/7 some semblance of pre-baby life does return.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:12 PM |
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Faithx2
All good things in 2016!!
Member since 8/05 20181 total posts
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by prncss
I totally understand what you're saying, and it took me a while to remind myself that JT needs to feel loved just as much as Ava. I think I finally have balanced it out. Once Ava stopped needing my constant attention, it became easier. But sometimes, I definitely feel this way.
I absolutely agree with this...
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:15 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Once Leo told me that I never tell him I love him anymore, but its okay, I am probably tired of saying it since I tell the baby I love him all day long.
that was my wake up call. It really has to be a full effort.
The baby and I left for a week, returned, Leo was all over the baby and a quick hi to me....It hurt..It hurt bad actually. I was ready to stand on my head for attention. It was nice to see the other side of the situation though.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:17 PM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
What was hard for me, is that in the beginning, when DS was very very little, I would get sad sometimes thinking about how things just weren't exactly the same between DH and I. I knew I loved him, he loved me...but I was TERRIFIED that it was changing..
Then i realized that it was b.c DS was taking our every bit of energy! Lol...Maybe that isn't exactly what you're asking about, but similiar...I would just pray that things remained the same with me and DH because the past few years we've been together we have always been so "lovey dovey" and each others world...
It took a little bit to get back to normal and now it's better than ever. We make sure to concentrate on one another and make sure our marriage is priority (as well as DS of course). Having him has brought us ultimately closer..its the best feeling...in the beginning though, there were times i was so scared of it all changing!!
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:17 PM |
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nancygrace
I'm 2!
Member since 9/05 6616 total posts
Name:
Live*Love*Laugh
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
yes yes and yes
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:20 PM |
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by maybebaby
What was hard for me, is that in the beginning, when DS was very very little, I would get sad sometimes thinking about how things just weren't exactly the same between DH and I. I knew I loved him, he loved me...but I was TERRIFIED that it was changing..
Then i realized that it was b.c DS was taking our every bit of energy! Lol...Maybe that isn't exactly what you're asking about, but similiar...I would just pray that things remained the same with me and DH because the past few years we've been together we have always been so "lovey dovey" and each others world...
It took a little bit to get back to normal and now it's better than ever. We make sure to concentrate on one another and make sure our marriage is priority (as well as DS of course). Having him has brought us ultimately closer..its the best feeling...in the beginning though, there were times i was so scared of it all changing!!
Yes - this makes total sense!!!
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:21 PM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by maybebaby
What was hard for me, is that in the beginning, when DS was very very little, I would get sad sometimes thinking about how things just weren't exactly the same between DH and I. I knew I loved him, he loved me...but I was TERRIFIED that it was changing..
Then i realized that it was b.c DS was taking our every bit of energy! Lol...Maybe that isn't exactly what you're asking about, but similiar...I would just pray that things remained the same with me and DH because the past few years we've been together we have always been so "lovey dovey" and each others world...
It took a little bit to get back to normal and now it's better than ever. We make sure to concentrate on one another and make sure our marriage is priority (as well as DS of course). Having him has brought us ultimately closer..its the best feeling...in the beginning though, there were times i was so scared of it all changing!!
Yes - this makes total sense!!!
And just wait...when Cailen starts achieving all these great milestones and he lights up at you both (he may do that now?!) its awesome. I loved when Johnny started really reacting and responding...it was a great reward for the really hard newborn phase!
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:24 PM |
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pmpkn087
Life is good...
Member since 9/05 18504 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
This is something that I still need to work on. DS is almost 7 months and I still need to remind myself that DH needs my love too.
Furthermore, no matter how much you love your DH, it is no comparison to the love you have for your children. And, people who don't have kids will never understand.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:28 PM |
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cdunn
Cold go away
Member since 10/05 1265 total posts
Name:
Caroline
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Glad this was brought up because I was wondering if I was the only one feeling this way. I am a SAHM and I devote all my time and effort to my DS and yes, he has changed my relationship with my DH but, little by little it's starting to get back to normal. I do find myself picking on my DH about things and I am very sensitive when he brings up certain issues. I know it will get better.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:39 PM |
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-Laurie-
Hi!
Member since 5/05 2536 total posts
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Nope we spoke about that during the pregnancy and decided we wanted to be marriage centered parents preferably instead of child centered.
It doesn't mean I love my DS any less or more then my DH but in 20 years he will be out of the house and having his own relationships and I very much would love to still be married to the man I fell in love with when I was 20.
Ds moved out of our bedroom and into his crib within the first few weeks, we wouldn't co sleep and we had a few other ground rules to keep the romance in our bedroom. But we also have so much limited time together (dh and I )that we understand the time we do have is very important for as a couple as well as a family but their is a certain time for Mommy and Daddy and a certain time for Mommy, Daddy and Baby.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:39 PM |
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by maybebaby
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by maybebaby
What was hard for me, is that in the beginning, when DS was very very little, I would get sad sometimes thinking about how things just weren't exactly the same between DH and I. I knew I loved him, he loved me...but I was TERRIFIED that it was changing..
Then i realized that it was b.c DS was taking our every bit of energy! Lol...Maybe that isn't exactly what you're asking about, but similiar...I would just pray that things remained the same with me and DH because the past few years we've been together we have always been so "lovey dovey" and each others world...
It took a little bit to get back to normal and now it's better than ever. We make sure to concentrate on one another and make sure our marriage is priority (as well as DS of course). Having him has brought us ultimately closer..its the best feeling...in the beginning though, there were times i was so scared of it all changing!!
Yes - this makes total sense!!!
And just wait...when Cailen starts achieving all these great milestones and he lights up at you both (he may do that now?!) its awesome. I loved when Johnny started really reacting and responding...it was a great reward for the really hard newborn phase!
YES! He lights up for both of us - he actually responded like that to DH 1st because I was home with Cailen all day, so DH would come home, be this newer person in his line of vision, and get very excited about seeing him. Now, when I pick him up from daycare, it is worth sending him there to see that HUGE smile he gives me when I come to pick him up.
It is so wonderful it makes me weak in the knees!
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:41 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by -Laurie-
Nope we spoke about that during the pregnancy and decided we wanted to be marriage centered parents preferably instead of child centered.
It doesn't mean I love my DS any less or more then my DH but in 20 years he will be out of the house and having his own relationships and I very much would love to still be married to the man I fell in love with when I was 20.
Ds moved out of our bedroom and into his crib within the first few weeks, we wouldn't co sleep and we had a few other ground rules to keep the romance in our bedroom. But we also have so much limited time together (dh and I )that we understand the time we do have is very important for as a couple as well as a family but their is a certain time for Mommy and Daddy and a certain time for Mommy, Daddy and Baby.
We believe in this too and hope to raise our family focused this way. I dont have my son here yet, but Im glad to hear it has worked for you.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:41 PM |
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cgdg61606
Little Brother Christopher
Member since 2/07 6815 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by maybebaby
What was hard for me, is that in the beginning, when DS was very very little, I would get sad sometimes thinking about how things just weren't exactly the same between DH and I. I knew I loved him, he loved me...but I was TERRIFIED that it was changing..
Then i realized that it was b.c DS was taking our every bit of energy! Lol...Maybe that isn't exactly what you're asking about, but similiar...I would just pray that things remained the same with me and DH because the past few years we've been together we have always been so "lovey dovey" and each others world...
It took a little bit to get back to normal and now it's better than ever. We make sure to concentrate on one another and make sure our marriage is priority (as well as DS of course). Having him has brought us ultimately closer..its the best feeling...in the beginning though, there were times i was so scared of it all changing!!
This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of our pre-baby marriage and the change scares me. I miss eating dinner at the same time as my husband and I miss cuddling up with him at night. From what everyone says though as the baby grows some aspects of that pre baby relationship start to come back. I hope so!
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:46 PM |
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by -Laurie-
Nope we spoke about that during the pregnancy and decided we wanted to be marriage centered parents preferably instead of child centered.
It doesn't mean I love my DS any less or more then my DH but in 20 years he will be out of the house and having his own relationships and I very much would love to still be married to the man I fell in love with when I was 20.
Ds moved out of our bedroom and into his crib within the first few weeks, we wouldn't co sleep and we had a few other ground rules to keep the romance in our bedroom. But we also have so much limited time together (dh and I )that we understand the time we do have is very important for as a couple as well as a family but their is a certain time for Mommy and Daddy and a certain time for Mommy, Daddy and Baby.
See - we had this plan too, but since DH is gone so much, I think it was inevitable that I connected with DS more at this point... I wouldnt say this is permamnent at all, but in the beginning. ifeel that everyhting has shifted... we still have our romantic moments though - just fewer than before baby!!!
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:46 PM |
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-Laurie-
Hi!
Member since 5/05 2536 total posts
Name:
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by -Laurie-
Nope we spoke about that during the pregnancy and decided we wanted to be marriage centered parents preferably instead of child centered.
It doesn't mean I love my DS any less or more then my DH but in 20 years he will be out of the house and having his own relationships and I very much would love to still be married to the man I fell in love with when I was 20.
Ds moved out of our bedroom and into his crib within the first few weeks, we wouldn't co sleep and we had a few other ground rules to keep the romance in our bedroom. But we also have so much limited time together (dh and I )that we understand the time we do have is very important for as a couple as well as a family but their is a certain time for Mommy and Daddy and a certain time for Mommy, Daddy and Baby.
See - we had this plan too, but since DH is gone so much, I think it was inevitable that I connected with DS more at this point... I wouldnt say this is permamnent at all, but in the beginning. ifeel that everyhting has shifted... we still have our romantic moments though - just fewer than before baby!!!
Believe me I got you beat on the Dh being gone so much. Dh missed about 7 months of my son's first year. As long as the lines of communication are open you can shift it back, best of luck on making sure it doesn't stay permanent!
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:51 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by cgdg61606
This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of our pre-baby marriage and the change scares me. I miss eating dinner at the same time as my husband and I miss cuddling up with him at night. From what everyone says though as the baby grows some aspects of that pre baby relationship start to come back. I hope so!
exactly how DH and I feel. We both love the baby so much, but at the same time miss our old marriage so much.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:59 PM |
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JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by -Laurie-
Nope we spoke about that during the pregnancy and decided we wanted to be marriage centered parents preferably instead of child centered.
It doesn't mean I love my DS any less or more then my DH but in 20 years he will be out of the house and having his own relationships and I very much would love to still be married to the man I fell in love with when I was 20.
Ds moved out of our bedroom and into his crib within the first few weeks, we wouldn't co sleep and we had a few other ground rules to keep the romance in our bedroom. But we also have so much limited time together (dh and I )that we understand the time we do have is very important for as a couple as well as a family but their is a certain time for Mommy and Daddy and a certain time for Mommy, Daddy and Baby.
i totally agree..
it's so easy to get caught up in the uproar of raising kids.. but it's sooo important to have time for a relationship with DH.. i had to learn that lesson the hard way in my first marraige.. now i never take for granted my second.
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| Posted 6/5/07 10:08 PM |
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KateDevine
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Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
Name:
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by -Laurie-
Nope we spoke about that during the pregnancy and decided we wanted to be marriage centered parents preferably instead of child centered.
It doesn't mean I love my DS any less or more then my DH but in 20 years he will be out of the house and having his own relationships and I very much would love to still be married to the man I fell in love with when I was 20.
Ds moved out of our bedroom and into his crib within the first few weeks, we wouldn't co sleep and we had a few other ground rules to keep the romance in our bedroom. But we also have so much limited time together (dh and I )that we understand the time we do have is very important for as a couple as well as a family but their is a certain time for Mommy and Daddy and a certain time for Mommy, Daddy and Baby.
See - we had this plan too, but since DH is gone so much, I think it was inevitable that I connected with DS more at this point... I wouldnt say this is permamnent at all, but in the beginning. ifeel that everyhting has shifted... we still have our romantic moments though - just fewer than before baby!!!
I don't know....sometimes I think it is easier for us to be more "marriage centered" because my DH works long hours and is gone for long stretches of time. On his days off they have time when I run my butt out of the house and they have their love fest. Then we have family time, and us time too. It takes more scheduling, but I am pretty anal, so that makes me happy.
Things change, but I don't think our world changed as much as we thought it would.
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| Posted 6/5/07 10:13 PM |
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nferrandi
too excited for words
Member since 10/05 18538 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
I think we can all erlate to that feeling. Think about when your friends are dating a new guy, they neglect their friends for a while so they can focus on their new raltionship, but in time things start to get back to normal. It's like that with the baby too. As they become more self sufficient, you will find more time for your marriage.
But you do have to make conscious effort, it won't go back to normal on its own. Plan special dinners at home after DS has gone to bed. Go and buy yourself a sexy nighty. Ask/beg/pay someone to watch the baby so you can go out to dinner once in a while. The same way we spend tons of time and attention on our children, we need to remember that most men are just bog kids and they need their time too. 
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| Posted 6/5/07 10:34 PM |
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Re: A relationship question for moms with babies...
Posted by nferrandi
I think we can all erlate to that feeling. Think about when your friends are dating a new guy, they neglect their friends for a while so they can focus on their new raltionship, but in time things start to get back to normal. It's like that with the baby too. As they become more self sufficient, you will find more time for your marriage.
But you do have to make conscious effort, it won't go back to normal on its own. Plan special dinners at home after DS has gone to bed. Go and buy yourself a sexy nighty. Ask/beg/pay someone to watch the baby so you can go out to dinner once in a while. The same way we spend tons of time and attention on our children, we need to remember that most men are just bog kids and they need their time too.
Good point!
Forget about buying a new nighty - I still have some from my bridal showe rI have yet to wear - I was so sick with m/s on my honeymoon that I think some of thems till have tkts on them!!!
I just have to shed some of the baby weight so I can squeeze back into them - but thats for a whole other thread!!! 
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| Posted 6/5/07 11:35 PM |
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