Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

Hi, My name is Tara and I am 34. I have been Married for 4 years, and have 1 child, DD Ava (almost 3).

I have posted my indecision on whether or not to have a second child a few different times.

I lean towards not- and I will explain my reasons.

I think that I was in some type of depression after Ava's birth. I don't think it was PPD, I think that it was just me having a hard time adjusting to all of the life changes of being a Mother. Ava was an excellent baby- and is now a great toddler. She has always slept and ate well. Aside from the usual toddler tantrums and difficulites, she is the absolute light of my life.

So what was my problem??? I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and even thought I lost it- my body does not look anything like it used to..

I also quit my career to be a SAHM. Which, now that I have taken a step back and looked at my situation- may not have been the best decision for me.

Basically, I lost myself- mind, body and soul!!! (sounds soo dramatic). While I loved being with my DD, My day consisted of schleping around in sweat pants and feeling completely cut off from the outside world.

I recently went back to work 3 days a week and Ava goes to pre-school/daycare. It is great for both of us- and we still have 2 week days and the weekend together.

It feels like a shadow has been lifted. I feel like a person again... I use my mind at work, see other people and care what I look like again!!! I am also working on my relationship with DH- (our relationship suffered also).

I know a million woman who stay home and love it. They challenge their minds, stay active socially and even have time to exercise- I just wasn't able to keep it all together.

Since I am happier going to work now- what is my problem????? I am 90% sure that Ava will be the only child- but I feel guilty...

I worry that I am being selfish for not giving her a sibling...What if she grows up and feels like something was missing in her life?????

I feel like I am just coming out of a 3 year fog- and can't imagine doing it again..Even Dh told me when we were out to dinner last weekend - "I forgot how much fun you were". When I asked him if he wants another child, he is happy with one- he has also said "I don't want to lose you for 3 years again".... He is soo right. I was lost.

So, what is wrong with me that I couldn't do it all like all of the other Moms can???!!!

A friend of mine just told me that she is pg again (she will have 3 under 3). When she told me, I was happy for her. But, the first thing that popped into my head was "Thank god it's not me". The second thought was "What is wrong with me that she wants and can handle 3, and I struggle to be a whole person with only one child?"

I also have people telling me on a daily basis - friends/family/strangers...that I need to have at least one more child- because it's not fair to DD not to. All of these people have no idea of my inner struggle...Even the man who did my nails last night said that!!!!!!!

Anyone else feel this way- or have any advice.

Thanks, Tara

Message edited 5/4/2007 10:09:09 PM.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

I don't think you are being selfish. you have to do what is right for you and your family.

I have learned that people will always have something to say no matter what. Try not to listen or take it with a grain of salt. "oh yeah, you think people should have more than one child, that's nice."

Hope you feel better. you are NOT a loser

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

If you feel in your heart that you only want to have one daughter, then it shouldn't matter what your reasons are and even though people may question you and try to convince you otherwise, you have to do what you feel in your heart you want to do.

There have been moments when I've contemplated not having any other kids, and have just wanted to give all my love to my one daughter. It is an individual decision and you need to follow your heart.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having only one child. Each and every person is different. Your daughter needs a happy mom, first and foremost. If you are content with who you are and with your life, this will reflect back to your daughter and she, in turn, will be a cheerful, satisfied child whose world is content. Even though I have an older brother, the age difference (11 years) made it seem like I was an only child. It didn't make one bit of difference to me that I did not have a sibling close in age to me. I had a great childhood and wouldn't have changed it for anything.

It seems to me you are doing everything right. Don't get bogged down in what others are doing. Do what is right for you and your family. As for those who make comments, they don't live your life. Only you do and only you can make the decisions necessary for you and your family to be happy and healthy. I think your daughter is very lucky to have a mom like you.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

I am an only child and I never once, ONCE felt like I was "missing out on anything"- actually, I like it. I like having my parents undivided attention and not having the family drama that could potentially exist...
I always did things w/ my parents b/c there weren't so many of us that it was a hassle...
If I'm not blessed with another child- I'd be OK with DD being our only.

With that said- if you want another child- you can go back to work after- heck- i went back after two months and I like being out of the house- do what is right for your and your family.. if that is one child- that's that- if more, that's that...

maybe just see where life takes you- no need to plan everything- put it into the hands of a higher power and whatever happens- happens.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

Not a loser by any means. I don't think I want another one either. My situation is a little different then yours because dd was a really difficult baby. She is amazing, but to be honest I don't think I could go through that again.
I am not saying it wasn't worth it, but I just don't know if I could handle it. Everyone says the same thing to me about giving her a sibling, but I don't know if that is a good enough reason.
The other thing I hear all the time is that I will change my mind.
I guess you never know.

BTW- I work full time and have since she was 4 months old, I think that is what kept me sane.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

1st, there is nothing wrong with being or having an only child. I am an only child and was very happy growing up.

2nd, I understand what you mean about feeling like you "lost" yourself. I have heard this from many mom's that I know. It is a personal decision to have another child. I only had my son a month ago and have not reached that point yet, but I am sure there will come a time. I think most mom's do. When you have a child, you give up a lot, your life changes practically overnight even though you "prepared' for it for 9 months, you're tired, stressed out and your world revolves around your children not you anymore. But we make the decision to have children for 1,000 reasons that make all of that seem insignificant. If you and DH are happy with only one child that is all that matters. It is YOUR decision. Don't listen to the pressure from anyone else. I already have people asking me when and if we are having more children. My response, "Can I recover from the one I just had first?"

Whatever you decide, it is the right decision for you and your family!

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

Wow...

I'm right there with you girl....
I look on my wall and see my bachelors and masters degree and think to myself...will I ever use them again? I feel like I lost that part of me that is able to have a life (work) while being a SAHM. While I wouldn't give up staying home with Jared for a minute, I wonder if I would be happier working?
I can totally relate to the wearing of the sweatpants and schleping around being cut off from the world.
My relationship has also had it's share of troubles, where all me and my dh do is fight or ignore each other.

I have told myself many times that one is enough. I want to be me again...and not be tied down to the home...the children, etc. I also want to work and contribute to this house so we can make it beautiful for ourselves and our son.

On the flip side I think...would Jared want a sibling? I didn't have any and I was fine. But I do remember thinking sometimes how I was lonely and how I wished I had a brother or a sister. Some days I do want another child and other days I don't. The worst thing is when someone tells you that you can't have one. No one should tell you that...

I really don't know what to do either...but I completely understand what you're feeling and going through...

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

I know exactly what you mean having lost yourself for a few years. It's been 5 years & I feel that I was in the same boat for the first 3 years.

The only decision that is a permanent one is the one where you have a child. Until then you can change your mind - or not - at any time. It sounds like the SAHM was a big issue. I know that I started to reclaim pieces of myself after my maternity leave but it was al ong time before I was doing my own thing - and that's what made me a better mom.

I think you need to do what's right for you & your family. It's not a failing on your part to want only one child. It's a personal choice & only one that you can make. Having children is not a one size fits all scenario.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

I just want to give you

you need to do what you feel is right deep down in you. It is a hard decision but whatever you decide will be the right one.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

You shouldn't have a second child for the sake of your first. If two children aren't in your picture of the perfect family than it sounds to me like you are done. I'm quite certain you will give Ava plenty of attention and opportunities to socialize with other children, so she'd be just fine.

Just do remember that if you did want a second child, that you should remember that staying home wasn't for you. You can go back to work right away and let someone else deal with the daily grind on your behalf.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

You are not a loser! you are a smart and caring mommy- you know why I say this? Because you are being smart enough to analyze your feelings about being having a second child. You learned what works for you, and what doesn't.

There are women who being a SAHM is a dream. And there are other owmen who its a nightmare. And most of us fall into the middle.

You have to figure out what is best for you and your family and go with that. DH only wants 1 kid. That doesn't make him selfish? What is selfish about wanting to devote yourself to 1 child. I just had dinner with a cousin of mine who is 23 and an only child. She is so well adjusted, a great friend, smart and really a wonderful person.

I don't even think its selfish for those who don't want any kids? Who wrote the rule that we all have to have at least 2 kids? That works for some, but not for others.

Just do what feels right for your family, and you'll be OK!

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting another child. Look at the one you have blessed the world with!!! You know in your heart of hearts what is best for you and your family. Going back to work for 3 days has probably made you an even better mom. It sounds like you are so much more fulfilled and that you have a renewed spirit. Why would you want to put yourself in a situation where you will be "lost" again? I'm not trying to convince you either way but I am glad you are weighing the options.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

As someone who waited until my first was close to 3 to try for a second, I completely understand. While I wasn't in a fog I did lose part of myself. During my pregnancy, we moved to Suffolk county, my husband took a new job that routinely involved 2-3 weeks stints to South America, and I found myself an hour away from friends and family.

Following my daughter's birth I stayed home for over six months and then returned 2-3 days a week. This really helped and I found myself not unsure about wanting a second, just not sure the time was right.

I guess I finally realized that the big picture was what mattered. For me I felt that had I not had a second I would have regretted that decision. I also wanted my daughter to have a sibling.

What I found out was although having a second changed my world, it was not as significant as the first time. I took a year off from work and returned (p/t again) and learned to schedule time for myself and for my husband. I won't lie it hasn't been easy but it has all worked out. For me I think I was just over thinking the whole situation. I'm not saying thinking is bad but I think you can over think things.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

Tara,

When we met that one time at White Post Farm the first thing that popped into my head when I saw you was "Wow, she really has it together!"

You were dressed so nice, were really engaging with your daughter, seemed so organized. I kept thinking I wish I was that together.

You are not a loser!

If one child is what you feel comfortable with just enjoy being a mom to an only child. I think to be the best parent you can be you have to be true to yourself. A happy mommy makes for a happy child.

Michelle

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. It really helps me to hear the points of view from other Moms!!!

Tara

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

You are not a loser at all!!!!

I feel the same as you. I didnt stay home because financially we couldnt do it. Im working full time. I do wish i could do it part time for a few reasons. Being a mom is not an easy thing to do. I sometimes feel selfish too. I dont know if i could handle having more than one and I dont think there is aproblem with having only one.

She will make friends in the neighborhood and you can be her best friend and play with her to make her happy.

My DD is 3 months and cant wait until i can play with her more and bring her to the nail salon so we can bond. Everyone will have so much to say. you have to do what you think is right. If only having one child is what you want then dont take advice from anyone. people have nerve to always give advice. I cant stand it. It always makes me quesetion myself.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

Don't feel selfish! I am an only child and my first reaction to your post (with out reading it first) was sure! Have another! I was an only and always wanted a brother or sister!

BUT after reading it I don't think you need to feel guilty or like a looser. I'm happy you are feeling back to your self and are enjoying Ava and your DH. That is the most important thing! Especially when your DH says he doesn't want to loose you for another 3 years! That't more important!

As an only, there were times when I loved it and times that I hated it. Rainy days s ucked! No one to play with. But the bright side is I overcompensated for not having any sibblings and became very close with my friends. They have become my brothers and sisters and I love them like family.

There are plenty of people I know that come from families with 2 or more sibblings and they say they could never get a long with their brothers/sisters. So you never know!

What is meant to be will be. The most important thing is for you to take care of your family now. Perhaps things will change for you in another frew years and you will feel ready to handle another- or not!

You have a great family. Enjoy them!

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

from reading your post, it seems like you want one but you are afraid to go through it again. I am the youngest of 5 and cannot imagine living w/out my brothers. I don't know if we can swing 2 more kids financially (my stepson is 7) but I know that I want our soon-to-be son/daughter to grow up with a sibling in the house b/c I think it makes a difference. If work is what you miss most, can you put the baby in day care and return to work? Is that an option or did you choose to be a sahm b/c it was easier financially?

I think you and your husband should have a heart to heart about how many children you truly want and discuss whether returning to work asap is a possibility.

good luck w/whatever decision you choose.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

When I was preggo with Molly I remember thinking...what have I done!?!? It was overwhelming and it is the hardest thing in my life and I still constantly struggle with the decision to be a SAHM. So I know how you feel! I don't think people who are not moms, even our DH's, totally get 100% how we put our lives on hold to raise our kids. And after a while it takes a toll on you and your relationship with DH.

So, just search deep down and make the decision that is right for you. Having one child is just fine...and having 16 like that crazy Dugger family is just fine IF that is what you want and makes you happy.

Don't worry what other people think, and do what is best for yourself, your husband, daughter and YOUR happiness.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

You are so not a loser. You are being honest with yourself.

I found having one child was easy....going from one child to two was and is very overwhelming. I feel like I'm doing it all and never have time to breathe. I work FT, my DH is NYPD so he's basically never home, I feel like the one man show all the time. I am exhausted most days and wonder how I'm doing it all. So many people think I have it together but I know the truth . But for me, I wanted two children and I always knew I wanted two. It sounds like you know you only want one and THERE's NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. You need to tell people to mind their business. I just don't get where some people come off with their rude comments.

Do what's right for you and your family. Sounds like you're at a good place right now, so go with it and you'll be fine!!!

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

Message edited 5/6/2007 6:48:54 PM.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

you have to do whats right for you. If you had anorher child would you have to be home agian for three years? You could alwasy do daycare three days a week that you work?

Not aying you HAVE to have one for your dd sake just throwingit out there.

I agree with you completely I went back after 11 weeks and whle i miss her i realize i didnt pay 30,000 for my masters to sit home( not that there is anything wrong with doing so if you wanted to) for me its not an option to stay home anyway if we ever want a house. But i am very happy workign and being a mom. I teach so to me i have the best of both worlds.

Best of luck to you.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

You are not alone. I feel guilty about considering not having another and haven't had the guts to tell DH. I thought I would be great at the SAHM thing and looked forward to it. I feel like I have lost myself too (you weren't being too dramatic for me). I feel like nothing ever happens for me or on my schedule even though I know this is not totally true. I'm 35 and feel like I need to decide right away if I am having another but just don't feel ready. I don't really have any advice for you or myself. Just know you are not alone.

Re: Advice please.. I feel like a loser...

I think this is not the right time for you to be making this decision. And nothing says that you have to decide whether or not you want more children right now.

You felt lost for three years - and you feel that you are just getting yourself back right now. You just may find that get yourself back doesn't mean the "old" you is back - it may be a "new" you. So wait a little while before deciding this... enjoy this time that you are feeling like yourself again, and see how you feel. Try to ignore the pressure from others and give yourself time and know that it's ok too. Don't necessarily rule out having other children if you are still unsure - just know that now is not the right time for you. Maybe it is meant to be that your children are more than 4 years apart.

Being a SAHM is not for everyone...remember that you don't have to be a SAHM if there is a next one.