Am I being overly sensitive?

DH and I have been hosting thanksgiving for the past 6 years or so. DH told me yesterday that is brother isn't coming. Instead, he and his fiancé are going to host thanksgiving at their new house for her family- her mother, brother and sister. I'm upset about it. First off, I feel like it's pretty well established that it's a holiday we host. Yes, I know I don't own thanksgiving. But it's tradition that we host. I get that they just bought a new house, but why not host Christmas or another holiday that we don't have a family tradition for? Two, now I feel like my in laws aren't going to want to come since it's going to be just my family. Or at the very least, they're going to feel the need to go to both houses. The entire reason that we took over the holiday was for everyone to be together and not have to run around.
I don't think there's anything I can do about it one way or another at this point. I would have even considered inviting the extra three people, even though it would be tight space-wise, but I feel like it's too late. They never came to us and asked, they just planned their own celebration. Is it just me, or would you be disappointed too?

Message edited 11/13/2015 8:09:06 AM.

Am I being overly sensitive?

I think they are just stoked to host a major holiday in their home. If you love hosting, and now you finally land a new home, it's only natural that you're going to want to host - it's something I'm sure she's excited for, you know?

Can you guys pop over there for dessert?

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

No, I'm sorry I will not do that. I'm not going to spend two days cooking and then rush to clean up, ask my family to leave, so that I can pack up my two kids and go somewhere else. That's the entire reason we started hosting thanksgiving the first place.
And I get wanting to host. I just don't understand why they couldn't do something like Christmas Day when there's no established routine for that day. It switches every year. That could be their new tradition in their new home.

Message edited 11/13/2015 8:34:05 AM.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

And they didn't invite you??

I'd be upset too!

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I would definitely be disappointed and would have expected them to pick a different holiday to host. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice, this would bother me a lot too :(.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I don't find the holidays to be a big deal ( I know I am def. the minority) so no it wouldn't bother me. I am sure his fiancé wanted to spend time with her family and that for the two of them to agree where they are going to have it.
If I was you I would just be happy there is two less people to have to have at your house.

Now if they decided to host it and invite everyone over without speaking to you first I would probably be a little annoyed.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I think you're being a little too sensitive about it.

My sister starting hosting all the holidays when my mom moved from her house.
1. Because she's the oldest and was married w a son and 2. Because she had a large home to accommodate everyone.

Fast forward a few years as everyone was getting older, getting married and buying houses - they too wanted to host a holiday here and there. My sister has been throwing a fit about it Every. Single. Year.
Her table has less and less people and it's because she makes a big deal about how she hosts and we all know she hosts. And we 're pretty much tired of it and would love to have holidays at home too.

Now, I'm not saying you are doing that. But you have to understand that as everyone's life situation changes, things will change.

I do think that if they have been coming to you every thanksgiving, it would have been common courtesy to tell you that now that they have a house, they would love to Host and INVITE you to their house. Maybe trading off who hosts every year. Giving everyone a break and everyone a chance to host.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I definitely wouldn't say you were being overly sensitive. I would be upset too. We've gone through years where my brothers in law decided they were going to host Christmas Day (the holiday we always host) for their in laws. Were we upset? Yes. What helped was that DH's brothers spoke to him ahead of time so it wasn't a surprise.

I also get that this couple is excited because they have a new house and want to host. Chances are after all the work they'll be back at your house next year!!

Am I being overly sensitive?

Did they invite you to their house? If they did I don't think you can be that angry. Disappointed, yes but not angry.

Aside from the fact that they're probably excited to host in their new home, have they both been spending previous Thanksgivings with you? If so, the fiance is more than entitled to spend a Thanksgiving with her own family.

Am I being overly sensitive?

I'd be upset too but really there is nothing to say or to do about it. People get older, get married, get new houses and want to start their own traditions. What we do in our family because exactly what is happening to you happened to us is that we alternated holidays. One year at my house, the next at someone else that wanted to host and then back and forth. That way we kept the family together at least every other year. For me, one year it's 25 people and the next it's 9.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

Did your brothers fiancees family celebrate with you every year? Where did they go prior to this year?. Maybe they asked your brothers fiancee to host this year so they didnt have too. I only say this cause my pain in the ass mil did that to me after me and dh bought a home. SHE decided to use my home for hosting. Dont even get me started LOL. Im with you on this one

Am I being overly sensitive?

Yes I think so...think about how excited they are! Don't you remember how excited you were to host a holiday the first time.

Let them have their excitement.

Holidays always tend to bring out the worst with family drama, I think this isn't so bad to just let slide. At some point, traditions change as families evolve and you have to go with it or else you'll spend all your energy being angry.

Am I being overly sensitive?

Honestly I think you are being too sensitive. I think its totally normal for them to want to spend the holiday in their new home and only fair that his fiance gets a turn to spend it with her family too. Sounds like you will still have your family coming to your house so just try to enjoy that and think about how it might be easier having to prepare for fewer people!

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

As someone who also hosts thanksgiving and has done so since 1999, I don't think you are being overly sensitive. When one of my brothers got married, his mil wanted to host, but only for my parents and did not invite us or my other brother. So I had my in laws, my brother, and my grandma. It was painful and my parents said that they would never again go somewhere else as it was awful. Now my other brother is getting married, I invited his fiancées mom, brother, and his wife to my house. I have yet to hear if they are coming, but I know she wants to host thanksgiving too. They have a small apartment that can seat four. So she said she wanted to host at her moms house, but again just for my parents. My parents said no, but if and when they get a house, I would be ok to switch on and off years.

Message edited 11/13/2015 9:13:22 AM.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

Am I being overly sensitive?

No I would not be disappointed. This is what happens when families grow. I think it's too much to commit to going to one persons house every year for the same holiday.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I would be a tad annoyed but I would let it go.

You cannot expect people to hold a holiday FOREVER. People get married, divorced, have kids, travel, etc on holidays and you cannot expect a holiday to be set in stone forever.

Do want you and your DH and kids want to do and if others come, they come. That is your family, the core of you guys.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I think you're being overly sensitive. They are just building their new home and family. I mean, she wants to spend the holiday with her family, just like you want to spend the holiday with yours. It would be ideal if we could have everyone together, but the extended family gets to be too much, ya know?

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I can understand being upset...but that's part of families growing.
Your brother's fiance wants to spend holidays with her family too and I think that is completely reasonable. I would speak to your brother and maybe start a "schedule" where you guys alternate years. One year you all do it at your house, and alternating years they do it at their house for her family. This is what my family has been doing for as long as I can remember and it works out bc as new people come into the family, it gives everyone a chance to celebrate.

Imagine the rolls were reversed...your brother and his fiance host Thanksgiving every year. Fast forward, you get engaged/married and your husband's family wants to celebrate thanksgiving with you...would you want your husband to say no to his family or would you change things up

I definitely agree with you about not heading over there for dessert though...you are hosting, its your night you shouldnt be rushing out to go somewhere else.

Re: Am I being overly sensitive?

I understand why you are upset but you really have to see it from their point of view. They are starting their new lives in their new house - they will have kids some day - the might want to establish their own traditions. It happens..it might suck for you this year but you will get used to it and it will become the new norm.