An article in Newsday today-About divorce

said the number 1 cause of divorce is the birth of a couples first child.

Does that scare anyone else?

Did those who have 2 or more find that times were toughiest then?

I do find a huge strain on us right now and Im scared of the future at times.

Message edited 2/17/2008 9:51:48 PM.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I sometimes feel like I don't have the time or the energy to give all 3 my all...

my DH
my daughter
and my job...

I do feel a strain from that.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Isn't it ironic that this week it's about divorce and last week (or the week before) it was about lasting marriages and what makes them work. Another reason why reading the newspaper makes me depressed.

Sorry to hijack and not be able to answer your question.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Obvi, you know I only have one, but I could see that. I also think that the fact that a lot of people are getting pregnant right after the wedding and sometimes they have never lived together before would make that time very stressful.

Chris and I have been together for 5 years and have lived together for 5 years (we moved in together a month after meeting) so the first year we were married was not the hardest for us, but had we not lived together and had the same year, I think it would have been a lot harder.

On the flip side, my friend Allie constantly discuss how hard it is to raise a child with someone else.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Posted by Stefanie

Isn't it ironic that this week it's about divorce and last week (or the week before) it was about lasting marriages and what makes them work. Another reason why reading the newspaper makes me depressed.

Sorry to hijack and not be able to answer your question.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Doesn't scare me now in the slightest.

I don't think I've been exactly shy about saying that those first few years were the hardest on our marriage. I think there were many factors that I could point to as I look back and easily list them. Hindsight is 20/20.

I won't do the list because I think it would come off as preachy. My marriage is far from perfect, but I can say that we are both past the BS from those first few years of marriage & the first few years of having kids.

It's an adjustment. It's hard. We had our first child 1 year 10 months after being married (albeit all planned). I think the problems were 50/50 on adjusting to both the first few years of marriage & children.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

It is scary to read something like that. But to me that only makes me think that the relationship wasn't strong enough in the first place and the addition of a child only adds to the stress and highlights the weak points of the relationship.

I also think that marriage isn't what it was like back in the day. There are people who get married and have the idea of "oh well if it doesn't work out I'll just get a divorce" which is def. not the way to go into a marriage.

I do agree that the fist couple of years of marriage is the hardest and getting adjusted to a child does take time but once you have your routine and find what works best for you I think things get easier with time.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I can see where the article is coming from, but I feel if you went into this whole thing with a strong relationship then you can get through the ups and downs in life. I think far too many people feel as though a child will make their relationship better -obviously these people have a problem in their home already and would probably have ended up in divorce-child or not (notice the article makes reference to first child-yeah first and LAST!)
-Knowing now what I didn't know then about the trials and tribulations of having a baby (whom by the way is the utmost joy in my life-but boy sometimes I could go NUTS) I feel really bad for people who go into this thinking it will help a relationship-what a slap in the face that is-LOL

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

i think it's true - to an extent.

my husb and i got married on our 5 yr anniv, we lived together for 4.5 yrs, obviously any type of change = stress and getting pregnant on our wedding night was wonderful, however it did stress us out - A LOT...my aversion to his favorite food led to arguments, adapting to my newly growing body was stressful for both of us, unable to do things we once did b/c of the baby on board - stressful and so at times, we were like what the he-- were we thinking? but communication is key and b/c we talked through things, they worked out...babies don't make life easier, but they make it extra special. i'd do it again a million times over - stress and all

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I can see why that would happen if the couple has never been through anything else...

We were already living together, had his daughters to deal with, plus him getting laid off and going through serious issues before the wedding really wore us down and we still endured.

By the time Cailen came around, as difficult and a strain it has been on us, it was no harder than the other stuff we already went thru.

Is it wine and roses? HELL no. But its not like separating is going to make any of this easier. So, we stick together and try our damndest.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I can see that. It's a lot of ajustment for a couple. I feel I have to prioritize all the time. It's jungling my time between my work, dogs, DS, house, DH and whatever needs to be done around the house. I feel I am spreading myself so thin sometimes. I don't have enough time to be good at all and I get frustrated.

So I can see that people would hve shortness of temper then things escalade. Everything revolves around the child and what made the couple is non existent.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I can definately see that. Every once in a while I worry about the solidarity of our relationship. It's at those times that I look at my parent's relationshiop and wonder what they would do. Or I talk to my mom. My parents have been through a lot and have still been together for 22 years. Sometimes I wonder how they did it.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I don't think so..I think my 2nd caused more of strain on me and DH then my 1st since they are only 14 months apart and we were pulled in 60 different directions at the same time and i had a total life change and get used to my new role and giving up my career.

I do think though, it's up to us as a couple to put our marriage FIRST, marriage 1st then kids. And now that we've done that, we've reconnected and in bliss again.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

It doesn't scare me NOW, because our son is a year and a half and we're past that REALLY HARD adjustment period. We were married 5 yrs when he was born and lived together 4 yrs before that - so we got all the other stuff out of the way. But MAN was it hard. So much so that I fear going thru it again with another baby. But at least KNOWING how hard it was will prep us somewhat for the next one (if there is a next one...)

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I will say that the sleepless months after the birth of our kids was THE hardest time in our marriage but not hard enough to consider divorce

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I could definitely see that...having a baby really does change everything...and it's not always for the good.

I have no problem admitting that the first few months were very hard with Lucas. A huge adjustment that nothing probably could have prepared us for. But looking back on that time and hearing things like the article in Newsday make me even more grateful that my relationship with DH is so strong...and I know now more than every that it's not something I should take for granted because it's not always the case.

Don't get me wrong...we have had our fair share of frustration and yelling but DH and I have been together for a long time. When we had Lucas we had been together already for 10 years and lived together for 6. In the course of time we've been through a lot and I think that those experiences have helped us to deal with the new ones that come our way.

If we didn't have this history together...I could definitely see how this could take it's toll on our marriage.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I can see that but I think there is more to it. I think you have to start wtih a damaged relationship and then add kids to the mix to blame having children for the reason a marriage failed.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

It scares me because DH and I did have an issue that almost led to divorce and it was because of the birth of DS

Not DS per se (he means the world to both of us)...but the fact of our lives totally changing and frankly, because I think guys get really out of sorts when a wife has a little human being to take care of instead of taking care of them...if u know what I mean

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

Until you become a parent, you are unaware of how truly stressful child can be on your relationship. As much as having a baby is truly the most wonderful thing that can happen for a couple, it also brings A LOT of tension. It's completely different than watching or playing with someone else's child. It tests your marriage on a daily basis. Some people have said, "oh, I only think that having a baby will make us feel closer and completely make our relationship stronger." While that can be true sometimes, most times that is not a reality, especially with an infant. DH and I have a great relationship, but there are times I can see how things can snowball into a divorce because of the stress.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I can totally see that....too many people put their child above everything and their marriage goes to the wasteside. You have to stay connected to your spouse in order for marriage to work.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

I can believe it, though it surprise dme when I read it. DH and I have never bickered as much as we do now since DS was born. We also bought a house not long ago, and there is some added stress from that too. Plus at this point, we have extremely little time alone together, some nights we're lucky if we can talk to each other about non-baby things for 10 or 15 minutes! Plus, the article points out that having a child kicks up other issues that maybe were not problems before, for us it's probably my ILs. I think we had a very strong relationship going into this also.

All this reminds me, we MUST find a babysitter.

Re: An article in Newsday today-About divorce

The worst time in our relationship (15 years) was a month or two after our first DS was born. It was such a strain but we managed.