Baby at wedding-vent

This has been brewing for a while, so pardon the length.

DD's godfather is getting married in PA this summer. DH is the best man (this man was our BM, also). My parents have been invited to the wedding. The bride and groom both have large families and their nieces and nephews will be there. The wedding will be a three day thing (rehearsal, wedding, day after brunch). BUT, in order to keep their numbers low, they decided that ONLY direct nieces and nephews will be allowed and everyone else must be over 18. DH and I naturally assumed that since he is BM, DD is the groom's godchild, the wedding is in PA AND they invited my parents (who are the only ones who we would trust to watch DD for a weekend), not to mention that she will be 17 months and not even EAT a meal, we thought she would be included.

Now, the groom has been telling DH that DD can't be there because he will get grief from his aunts if his cousins can't be there and DD is there (mind you he is referring to teenagers who will be eating like adults).

Now, the groom told DH that he is debating on whether or not to invite my parents to the wedding so they could stay home and watch DD...BUT they already sent my parents a Save the Date! How can you decide not to invite someone after you sent them an STD???

Okay, I am done venting. Slam me now for not understanding their side of the story.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I totally understand why you are upset. I would be too. But I am assuming these people don't have children and really feel that unless you do, you just don't get it.
I didn't invite children to my wedding (except my 4 month old niece) at my dh's request, he said he did not want our friends to bring there kids because he wanted them to be able to have fun. There was a bunch of drama surrounding it that I didn't understand then but do now. I wish I had allowed kids.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

It's totally unfair to expect you to travel to PA for 3 days and not bring your DD.

Then decide NOT to invite your parents so you have a babysitter. Are you kidding me? I would be ****** and not go. That's also your prerogative NOT to go.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I would be upset because it's an OOT wedding...what do they expect you to do. I understand them not wanting children at the wedding but i feel like there are always exceptions to the rule. I definitely think it would horrible for them not to invite your parents...especially after sending a STD.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I didn't want children at my wedding and I can see why they would have to limit who they invite. Also you have to remember it is not the bride and groom's responsibility to worry about who is going to babysit your child.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I really can't blame them for not wanting kids at the wedding, and having to draw a line. If they make one exception, it opens the door for resentment.

At my BIL's wedding (Ella's uncle & godfather), she was not invited to the reception (also a 3 day event in NJ). She came to the church, and then she went back to the hotel (I imported my sister for the night to babysit). My SILs also had someone watching their kids at the hotel and they were PI$$ED when they saw the bride's nieces/nephews at the reception. Personally, I had a better time not dealing with a tired toddler at a nighttime reception.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

This happened with one of my DH's cousins' weddings. One of his (other)cousins had no one to watch their baby because they live really far away from any family. So, he was originally told that their DD could come and then they were told that they didn't want any children at the wedding. I know the one cousins' sitaution and I don't think it would have been a big deal. I didn't even have a kid at the time. So, the wife didn't come to the wedding and DH's cousin came alone.

To boot, everyone wanted to know why his wife was pizzed for a while. I would be too.

They really had no one to watch the kid.

I understand not wanting kids but expecting someone to leave their kid for three days is really hard.

Message edited 2/7/2008 9:00:10 PM.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I didn't want children at my wedding either, with the exception of my nieces and nephews, but had my out of state cousins said they were coming, I would have made an exception for them and wouldn't have cared who didn't like it. I wouldn't expect someone to leave their child with a stranger when they are in an unfamiliar place. I also would have made an exception for someone in the bridal party if they had no one to watch their child.

Message edited 2/7/2008 9:05:11 PM.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I wouldn't see it as such a big deal if the wedding was in town but being that it is OOT I think it's unfair for them to expect you to leave DD for 3 days with someone else.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

That is a tough situation. I understand both sides. It is an OOT wedding and there is noone you can leave DD with for the weekend. At the same time, I can understand why they dont want children at their wedding. Is it a daytime wedding or nighttime formal wedding?

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

The save the date thing for your parents is an issue yes...

To bring your child..No. They get to decide and I agree with them. If I had invited my nephews ( I have 11 of them), and Dh his, then the cousins kids would have felt left out etc. We had to say no children at all to avoid hurt feelings and stick with it.

And my poor sister had no babysitter and came from PA to see me in the church and not to the reception b/c she had her son. There was nothing I could do about it.

We would have had some people really upset who RSVP'ed NO to the wedding b/c of childcare if they saw my nephew there.

Children bring a whole new set of issues to events IMO, but I see their point.

If it were me I would assume my parents would RSVP no and stay home to watch the baby.

Message edited 2/7/2008 9:21:27 PM.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

My neice was 3 months old when DH and I got married and she stayed in Baltimore with BIL's parents while SIL and BIL were on Long Island for 3 days.

Honestly, don't take this the wrong way, but they don't have to have her there, maybe they can help you find some babysitting locally or recommend someone, but it is their wedding and they can say if they don't want a baby there.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I think expecting to bring your child is a little much jmo. I had no kids at my wedding except my nieces and nephews that were in the wedding and only the older ones stayed for the reception. If it was me I would only attend the wedding itself so and not the rehersal and next day lunch. This way I would only need a sitter for the actual day of the wedding. You could drive with your parents. I would assume they wouldn't be invited to the rehersal.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

There are definitely a couple of issues here -

To not invite someone who received a STD is wrong.

However, not wanting children at their reception - sorry, but I don't think you have the right to be annoyed. You even said in your own post, you just "assumed" she was invited, it's not like they invited her and then uninvited her. I had a no children rule at our wedding (other than my FG).

And no one says you have to stay for everything. We had a day after brunch and quite a few people weren't able to make it.

How far away are you from the reception site? Is it feasible for just your DH to attend the rehearsal dinner and then you drive out for just the wedding itself? Like someone else pointed out, your parents probably aren't invited to the RD, so the only sitter issue would be for the wedding itself.

Message edited 2/7/2008 9:35:34 PM.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

Message edited 2/7/2008 9:48:31 PM.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I understand not wanting to kids at the reception out of the sheer fact that they can get out of hand BUT the main issue why they are not invited is cost. How much can a 17 month old eat???

As far as bringing a sitter, I wasn't expecting that DD would be with us all night. The reception is late afternoon 5-10PM. I kind of expected, from talking to my parents, that that they would stay for a little while and then bring DD back to the hotel to go to sleep. I do not expect her to be with us all night. I would like to enjoy time without her as well.

I know that it is bad to assume that she was invited but I guess an OOT wedding where DH is the best man kind of made me think she was welcome, especially since they have ALL of their nieces and nephews ranging from 7 months to 17 years old. It is not a "no kids" issue from how they explain it. It is a money issue.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I think it's their call as to who should be at their wedding. I also think they should be providing babysitting for the OOT with kids.

They shoudl talk to the aunt & see if they can hire her kids to watch everyone else's.

eta. & disinviting your parents is rude.

Message edited 2/7/2008 10:02:56 PM.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent

I am thinking of not going to the reception. I will take DD to the church and then go back to the hotel.

And the whole thing about my parents going, well...it is kind of funny. A few months ago, the groom asked me if I thought my parents would come if he invited them. I told him if he wanted them to come, they would. If he is sending a courtesy invite, they would decline. He never gave an answer but he sent an STD.

Re: Baby at wedding-vent