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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by guilty406
DH was out with his friend. He came home and his friend left and we had a long talk. DH didn't really hurt me last night, he just squeezed for a second and let go and when he pushed me, he pushed me on the couch. He's not abusive, he said he was angry about watching our body language. I didn't know that his friend previously told him he has feelings for me. Dh said that I really hurt him and I need to watch myself around his friend. They have been friends for many years and dh does not want to end his friendship with him. Basically we just agreed that I wouldn't hang out with him alone ever again. I was drunk and stupid for not just going to bed when dh did. I was a little shocked about him putting his hands on me I didn't want to be around him so I stayed up. I keep thinking about last night and I'm so angry at myself and his friend. Having feelings and acting on them are two different ball games. If I allowed it to happen, it would have ruined my marriage. I am very attracted to his friend, I don't love him. I'm so angry that his friend would do something like that to him and angry at myself that I wanted it, angry that I let him get so close and that I was so excited. It kills me that I have these thoughts, I wish I could erase last night from all of our memories. I couldn't even look his friend in the eye today. I don't know what I want more, to smack him or kiss him. I'm just going to stay away.
i read this a few times now and all i have to say is i think you and your DH need to seek some counseling ASAP.
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Posted 4/30/06 7:25 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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Shanti
True love
Member since 6/05 12653 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
I hope you & DH can get into therapy ASAP. Best of luck working on your marriage.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:26 PM |
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Pumpkin
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3353 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
what troubles me more is your last sentence. You dont know whether to smack him or kiss him.?? Yikes, I hope you two are going to see a counselor. Whatever you decide good luck to you!
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:26 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Pumpkin
what troubles me more is your last sentence. You dont know whether to smack him or kiss him.?? Yikes, I hope you two are going to see a counselor. Whatever you decide good luck to you!
that is what troubles you most? 
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:27 PM |
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Pumpkin
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3353 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
well we know we cannot turn our feelings on and off like a switch right? but unfortunately after all this happened and she still can even think in that direction.
I guess troubles me was a bad way of putting it. It just really makes me hope they can get through this.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:30 PM |
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MommyofG
just the girls
Member since 5/05 9461 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Pumpkin
Posted by girlygrl33
Im not condoning his behavior BUT I have to say- with men and their woman its territorial. Im sure her DH picked up on these "love" feelings towards eachother and Im sure the alcohol raised his anger and being his friend didnt help either. Totally disrespected the DH and Im sure he felt that too and was this in YOUR and DH's home? another slap in the face if so.
Personally I feel she is the MOST wrong here- why why would you let a situation like this get this far?
I know if the tables were turned I would flip out too!
A man touching a woman absolutely is WRONG but I also do feel you can push someone to a point too.
I think you have a good point. A man should never raise his hand to a woman but people can get pushed to do things that they may not do under "normal" circumstances, and again bad situation+alcohol= bad outcome
Glad someone else see's what Im trying to say here!
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:32 PM |
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MommyofG
just the girls
Member since 5/05 9461 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by guilty406
DH was out with his friend. He came home and his friend left and we had a long talk. DH didn't really hurt me last night, he just squeezed for a second and let go and when he pushed me, he pushed me on the couch. He's not abusive, he said he was angry about watching our body language. I didn't know that his friend previously told him he has feelings for me. Dh said that I really hurt him and I need to watch myself around his friend. They have been friends for many years and dh does not want to end his friendship with him. Basically we just agreed that I wouldn't hang out with him alone ever again. I was drunk and stupid for not just going to bed when dh did. I was a little shocked about him putting his hands on me I didn't want to be around him so I stayed up. I keep thinking about last night and I'm so angry at myself and his friend. Having feelings and acting on them are two different ball games. If I allowed it to happen, it would have ruined my marriage. I am very attracted to his friend, I don't love him. I'm so angry that his friend would do something like that to him and angry at myself that I wanted it, angry that I let him get so close and that I was so excited. It kills me that I have these thoughts, I wish I could erase last night from all of our memories. I couldn't even look his friend in the eye today. I don't know what I want more, to smack him or kiss him. I'm just going to stay away.
Your last statement is conflicting to what you wrote right above it. You seem very confused. Are you sure you want to fix your marriage? Maybe you need to do some soul searching and be away from your DH to see how you really feel. Best of luck.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:36 PM |
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Pumpkin
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3353 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
that is what i was thinking.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:38 PM |
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rose825
Best Friends
Member since 6/05 10228 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
I wasnt going to say anything, but it really worried me that 1.) you are totally minimizing what he did and 2.) you are feeling like you are responsible for his actions.
This is typical of the mind control of domestic violence. BUt also, it seems like you are really interested in this other guy and your DH doesnt care enough about your marriage to end the friendship.
I think you desperately need counseling, and I hope it can help.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:39 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Pumpkin
well we know we cannot turn our feelings on and off like a switch right? but unfortunately after all this happened and she still can even think in that direction.
I guess troubles me was a bad way of putting it. It just really makes me hope they can get through this.
no def don't think that you can turn your feelings off like a light switch...
but i just think that ignoring the problem...BOTH problems...is a bad way course of action...
I think they both need some serious help ASAP..
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:39 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by rose825
I wasnt going to say anything, but it really worried me that 1.) you are totally minimizing what he did and 2.) you are feeling like you are responsible for his actions.
This is typical of the mind control of domestic violence. BUt also, it seems like you are really interested in this other guy and your DH doesnt care enough about your marriage to end the friendship.
I think you desperately need counseling, and I hope it can help.
exactly...
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:40 PM |
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Pumpkin
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3353 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Redhead
Posted by Pumpkin
well we know we cannot turn our feelings on and off like a switch right? but unfortunately after all this happened and she still can even think in that direction.
I guess troubles me was a bad way of putting it. It just really makes me hope they can get through this.
no def don't think that you can turn your feelings off like a light switch...
but i just think that ignoring the problem...BOTH problems...is a bad way course of action...
I think they both need some serious help ASAP..
Agreed. I think there is a lot of conflict here. I hope they get the counseling they need.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:41 PM |
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pmpkn087
Life is good...
Member since 9/05 18504 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by SweetestOfPeas
this is definitely not my place to say, but since you asked for opinions... I have one more.
if my DH had a friend who admitted to him that he had or has feelings for me, my DH would 1. kick his @ss and then 2. would probably never speak to him again.
I agree. I would hope that DH would try to keep his marriage before this "friendship" which doesn't seem to be that tight to begin with.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:43 PM |
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Tah-wee-ZAH
Kisses
Member since 5/05 15952 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by rose825
I wasnt going to say anything, but it really worried me that 1.) you are totally minimizing what he did and 2.) you are feeling like you are responsible for his actions.
This is typical of the mind control of domestic violence. BUt also, it seems like you are really interested in this other guy and your DH doesnt care enough about your marriage to end the friendship.
I think you desperately need counseling, and I hope it can help.
I agree 100%
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:44 PM |
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Tah-wee-ZAH
Kisses
Member since 5/05 15952 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by pmpkn087
Posted by SweetestOfPeas
this is definitely not my place to say, but since you asked for opinions... I have one more.
if my DH had a friend who admitted to him that he had or has feelings for me, my DH would 1. kick his @ss and then 2. would probably never speak to him again.
I agree. I would hope that DH would try to keep his marriage before this "friendship" which doesn't seem to be that tight to begin with.
Oh, I also agree. You should come before any friendship. Considering he knows what he knows why would he want even the possibility of this happening again. The burden of this should not 100% fall on your shoulders. This guy shouldn't be hanging around anymore.
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| Posted 4/30/06 7:46 PM |
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nferrandi
too excited for words
Member since 10/05 18538 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Ummm, does it seem a little unfair to anyone else that guilty seems to be placing all of the blame on DH's friend?!
I agree with many others that your DH had no right to mishandle you dispite however he was feeling about the situation. And quite frankly I can't believe your husband would want to maintain a "friendship" with this other guy.
But you don't seem as concerned with your own actions as I believe you should be. No, you didn't cross the line with this guy, but you want to- and that speaks volumes. I think general attraction to another guy is fine, but you obviously feel more than that for this guy. That's a very big problem for your marriage and I don't blame your DH for being upset with your actions. I would be furious if my DH had serious thoughts about hooking up with someone else.
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| Posted 4/30/06 8:20 PM |
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reggie
I love my boys!!
Member since 5/05 8044 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by prncssrachel
I wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry.
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| Posted 4/30/06 8:25 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
This is what I see:
First YOU were wrong... you must've been flirting with the friend/behaving disrespectfully to your DH/etc ... I think you may have glossed over the part that led to your DH's anger in the first place.
SECOND, your DH was wrong for laying a hand on you. Incredibly wrong. Was his anger justified? I wasn't there but probably yes. The way he chose to communicate his anger was NOT justified and never could be. However...I think you may have jumped to this part, because, IMO you are not minimizing your DH's abusive behavior towards you that night, you are instead minimizing your role in what took place between you and the friend. The focus has stayed on your DH's behavior which was unacceptable, and not spotlighting your behavior which was not exactly commendable.
Third, you were wrong again to stay up drinking with this friend. I understand you were under the influence so your judgement was impaired...seriously impaired. BUT...that doesn't take away one bit from the things you are saying now that you are sober (presumably). You have more than an innocent attraction to this friend, you are hurting your DH, are you are just shy of betraying your marriage vows.
This marriage is in trouble. I think you both need to consider marriage counseling as well as cutting this friend out of your lives, at least for a long long time if not forever.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need to take a serious, serious look at your marriage right now. I wish you all the best and I DO believe you and your DH can work through this.
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| Posted 4/30/06 8:35 PM |
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skew
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 6794 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
you say that you had a long talk w/ your DH but did he ever ONCE during that conversation apologize for what HE did. from your repsonse, it seem it me as if he is down-playing his actions and making you feel as if you are the sole one to blame.
do not take this matter lightly. there is NO excuse for his actions. i am sure he was jealous and upset but there are better (non-violent) ways to handle the situation.
Message edited 4/30/2006 9:01:00 PM.
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| Posted 4/30/06 8:48 PM |
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ggt08
;)
Member since 5/05 5208 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
oh god!! i have been there... Please do NOT minimize his actions.. he only squeezed a little, he should not have done it AT ALL!!!!
Imade excuses for my EX so many times..He had every right to be ****** at you but to lay his hands on you.. NO WAY!!!
Please go talk to someone.. Your feelings are not just going to go away.... and I dont think his will either... It seems like your DH is keeping this friend in his life...
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| Posted 4/30/06 8:51 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by BabyAvocado
This is what I see:
First YOU were wrong... you must've been flirting with the friend/behaving disrespectfully to your DH/etc ... I think you may have glossed over the part that led to your DH's anger in the first place.
SECOND, your DH was wrong for laying a hand on you. Incredibly wrong. Was his anger justified? I wasn't there but probably yes. The way he chose to communicate his anger was NOT justified and never could be. However...I think you may have jumped to this part, because, IMO you are not minimizing your DH's abusive behavior towards you that night, you are instead minimizing your role in what took place between you and the friend. The focus has stayed on your DH's behavior which was unacceptable, and not spotlighting your behavior which was not exactly commendable.
Third, you were wrong again to stay up drinking with this friend. I understand you were under the influence so your judgement was impaired...seriously impaired. BUT...that doesn't take away one bit from the things you are saying now that you are sober (presumably). You have more than an innocent attraction to this friend, you are hurting your DH, are you are just shy of betraying your marriage vows.
This marriage is in trouble. I think you both need to consider marriage counseling as well as cutting this friend out of your lives, at least for a long long time if not forever.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need to take a serious, serious look at your marriage right now. I wish you all the best and I DO believe you and your DH can work through this.
i agree.
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| Posted 4/30/06 9:13 PM |
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JodiBabe
Married for 9 yrs!!!!!!
Member since 5/05 6672 total posts
Name:
Jodi
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by rose825
I wasnt going to say anything, but it really worried me that 1.) you are totally minimizing what he did and 2.) you are feeling like you are responsible for his actions.
This is typical of the mind control of domestic violence. BUt also, it seems like you are really interested in this other guy and your DH doesnt care enough about your marriage to end the friendship.
I think you desperately need counseling, and I hope it can help.
I agree 100%
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| Posted 4/30/06 9:36 PM |
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SoinLove
Making big changes
Member since 5/05 16541 total posts
Name:
Kristin
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by rose825
I wasnt going to say anything, but it really worried me that 1.) you are totally minimizing what he did and 2.) you are feeling like you are responsible for his actions.
This is typical of the mind control of domestic violence. BUt also, it seems like you are really interested in this other guy and your DH doesnt care enough about your marriage to end the friendship.
I think you desperately need counseling, and I hope it can help.
I agree.
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| Posted 4/30/06 10:15 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by BabyAvocado
This is what I see:
First YOU were wrong... you must've been flirting with the friend/behaving disrespectfully to your DH/etc ... I think you may have glossed over the part that led to your DH's anger in the first place.
SECOND, your DH was wrong for laying a hand on you. Incredibly wrong. Was his anger justified? I wasn't there but probably yes. The way he chose to communicate his anger was NOT justified and never could be. However...I think you may have jumped to this part, because, IMO you are not minimizing your DH's abusive behavior towards you that night, you are instead minimizing your role in what took place between you and the friend. The focus has stayed on your DH's behavior which was unacceptable, and not spotlighting your behavior which was not exactly commendable.
Third, you were wrong again to stay up drinking with this friend. I understand you were under the influence so your judgement was impaired...seriously impaired. BUT...that doesn't take away one bit from the things you are saying now that you are sober (presumably). You have more than an innocent attraction to this friend, you are hurting your DH, are you are just shy of betraying your marriage vows.
This marriage is in trouble. I think you both need to consider marriage counseling as well as cutting this friend out of your lives, at least for a long long time if not forever.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need to take a serious, serious look at your marriage right now. I wish you all the best and I DO believe you and your DH can work through this.
i agree 10000000% with everything youve said. my thoughts exactly.
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| Posted 5/1/06 1:48 AM |
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Salason
♥
Member since 6/05 9878 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by guilty406
DH was out with his friend. He came home and his friend left and we had a long talk. DH didn't really hurt me last night, he just squeezed for a second and let go and when he pushed me, he pushed me on the couch. He's not abusive, he said he was angry about watching our body language. I didn't know that his friend previously told him he has feelings for me. Dh said that I really hurt him and I need to watch myself around his friend. They have been friends for many years and dh does not want to end his friendship with him. Basically we just agreed that I wouldn't hang out with him alone ever again. I was drunk and stupid for not just going to bed when dh did. I was a little shocked about him putting his hands on me I didn't want to be around him so I stayed up. I keep thinking about last night and I'm so angry at myself and his friend. Having feelings and acting on them are two different ball games. If I allowed it to happen, it would have ruined my marriage. I am very attracted to his friend, I don't love him. I'm so angry that his friend would do something like that to him and angry at myself that I wanted it, angry that I let him get so close and that I was so excited. It kills me that I have these thoughts, I wish I could erase last night from all of our memories. I couldn't even look his friend in the eye today. I don't know what I want more, to smack him or kiss him. I'm just going to stay away.
As far as him putting his hands on you, I cant even get started on how wrong it was even if he only "squeezed for a second". Yes you were wrong and made him angry but he should have yelled not pushed. And then to turn around the next day and basically say he was not mad enough to end the friendship but he was mad enough to justify laying his hands on you 
Regarding the not ending the "friendship" thing, were you completely honest in that conversation i.e. did you happen to tell him he tried to "kiss you and do worse"? If so, I cant imagine him not wanting to punch this guy. IMO, he's putting the friendship (if you can even call it that) ahead of his marriage. And I suspect you might not be telling him the full story bc you dont want him to end the friendship bc then you wont see this friend anymore. You cant resolve this without 100% commitment to your marriage (from both of you) and total honestly. This is not a healthy resolution to this situation and i think you guys need counseling ASAP.
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| Posted 5/1/06 2:08 PM |
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