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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
 I can't really improve on the advice you've been given. But I have to agree there was no excuse for your DH to put his hands on you. Even if you were f*cking the guy, he should not have been violent with you. All 3 parties were in the wrong, but DH is the only one who took it to the physically violent level.
Also, because of a lot of what you're describing, your actions and attraction to the friend, DH's seemingly holding the "friendship" op\ver the marriage, the way you both dealt with the situation, I think marriage counseling is definitely a good idea. It seems like there must be some underlying issues going on that are not really being dealt with between the two of you. best of luck 
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Posted 5/1/06 2:18 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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lvdolphins
My Loves!
Member since 5/05 46292 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by rose825
I wasnt going to say anything, but it really worried me that 1.) you are totally minimizing what he did and 2.) you are feeling like you are responsible for his actions.
This is typical of the mind control of domestic violence. BUt also, it seems like you are really interested in this other guy and your DH doesnt care enough about your marriage to end the friendship.
I think you desperately need counseling, and I hope it can help.
Well said I was going to write that you should not be blaming yourself. Your DH put his hands on you. You should not be making it less of problem than it really is.
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| Posted 5/1/06 3:44 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Everyone else has already echoed any advice I would give. I have to say that what you have is an explosive situation.
You have a husband who's first instinct was to harm you when he was angry & jealous. Regardless of how hard he squeezed or how much he was drinking, that was his first reaction.
You have a close friend of your husband's with a two way attraction that is smoldering. Plus you seem willing to fan the flames by staying up all night drinking with that friend.
I'd love to chalk this all up to too much drinking but that's not that case. You are chosing to ingore the situation hoping it will go away. In my opinion, it's not a matter of if something happens, it's a matter of when it happens. I just hope no matter which way it goes, that you're safe.
Message edited 5/1/2006 4:23:08 PM.
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| Posted 5/1/06 4:22 PM |
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JennZ
MY LIFE!!
Member since 8/05 25463 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by rose825
I wasnt going to say anything, but it really worried me that 1.) you are totally minimizing what he did and 2.) you are feeling like you are responsible for his actions.
This is typical of the mind control of domestic violence. BUt also, it seems like you are really interested in this other guy and your DH doesnt care enough about your marriage to end the friendship.
I think you desperately need counseling, and I hope it can help.
I agree 100% well said
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| Posted 5/1/06 4:47 PM |
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IGLover
Y'all come back now, ya hear!!
Member since 9/05 2361 total posts
Name:
Kristen
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by marymoon
I can't really improve on the advice you've been given. But I have to agree there was no excuse for your DH to put his hands on you. Even if you were f*cking the guy, he should not have been violent with you. All 3 parties were in the wrong, but DH is the only one who took it to the physically violent level.
Also, because of a lot of what you're describing, your actions and attraction to the friend, DH's seemingly holding the "friendship" op\ver the marriage, the way you both dealt with the situation, I think marriage counseling is definitely a good idea. It seems like there must be some underlying issues going on that are not really being dealt with between the two of you. best of luck
Im sorry, but my husband is NOT violent at ALL, and would never, ever lay a hand on me, but I am sure if he caught me f*ckin some guy, he would have his hands on me.
As for this whole post, you should not be married, if you can feel these kind of feeling for someone else. And I dont want to be rude, but where do you get off sitting up all night drinking with a man you have feelings for, and has professed his love for you?
I think DH is wrong for grabbing you, but I think you are disgracing your marriage.
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| Posted 5/1/06 5:44 PM |
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Boobobunny
Live in the Present
Member since 5/05 3572 total posts
Name:
Dannielle
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
1. Your DH had no right to put his hands around your neck or push you....NO MATTER WHAT EXCUSES YOU MAKE FOR HIS ACTIONS, HE WAS WRONG!!!!!!
2. you had no business staying up all night with a man you have feeling for who isn't your SO.
3. This friend had no right staying up all night with his so called friend's wife..."who needs enemies when you have a friend like that"
I think that if you want to stay with your DH then you both need to consider some counseling. I also think that if you and DH want to stay together...then you both need to ditch this friend.
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| Posted 5/1/06 6:15 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
I may be in the minority but I dont think her husband was "VIOLENT" with her. If the tables were turned, I think I would be capable of much worse to my own husband. I have actually hit my husband once during a fight and That makes me horrible and just because hes stronger or a man doesnt make it any more right.
If I caught my husband flirting with a friend, then staying up late to drink with them? Im sorry I think it was mild what he did. I would thin kmy husband would throw me out on the street on my asss to be honest.
I dont condone a man hurting a women , but I think out of anger, he pushed you and controlled himself pretty well.
I would suggest counseling ASAP, because you obviously dont understand what a marriage is about yet and he may need to find out if he indeed has any kind of anger issues.
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| Posted 5/1/06 6:37 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by dm24angel
I may be in the minority but I dont think her husband was "VIOLENT" with her. If the tables were turned, I think I would be capable of much worse to my own husband. I have actually hit my husband once during a fight and That makes me horrible and just because hes stronger or a man doesnt make it any more right.
If I caught my husband flirting with a friend, then staying up late to drink with them? Im sorry I think it was mild what he did. I would thin kmy husband would throw me out on the street on my asss to be honest.
I dont condone a man hurting a women , but I think out of anger, he pushed you and controlled himself pretty well.
I would suggest counseling ASAP, because you obviously dont understand what a marriage is about yet and he may need to find out if he indeed has any kind of anger issues.
i actually agree. i think people are getting too hung up on her dh's actions and acting liek he BEAT her.
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| Posted 5/1/06 6:46 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
sorry but 
a man putting his hands on the back of her neck and shoving her face into a couch...
IS IN FACT VIOLENT...IS IN FACT ABUSE...
physical as well as mental...
not only did he do that....he degraded her even more by doing it in front of someone else...
And again. ...the man did nothing to his "friend"..
not only did nothing but ALLOWED THE IDIOT to stay over his house....
sorry but IMO that alone is ODD and sick
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:02 PM |
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MrsERod
Praying for Everyone.
Member since 5/05 26170 total posts
Name:
MrsERod™®
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Lolita4Life
Posted by dm24angel
I may be in the minority but I dont think her husband was "VIOLENT" with her. If the tables were turned, I think I would be capable of much worse to my own husband. I have actually hit my husband once during a fight and That makes me horrible and just because hes stronger or a man doesnt make it any more right.
If I caught my husband flirting with a friend, then staying up late to drink with them? Im sorry I think it was mild what he did. I would thin kmy husband would throw me out on the street on my asss to be honest.
I dont condone a man hurting a women , but I think out of anger, he pushed you and controlled himself pretty well.
I would suggest counseling ASAP, because you obviously dont understand what a marriage is about yet and he may need to find out if he indeed has any kind of anger issues.
i actually agree. i think people are getting too hung up on her dh's actions and acting liek he BEAT her.
you have GOT to be kidding???????
the man put his hands around her neck and pushed her!!!! in her OP she even said, that her initial response to the pushing, was:
I jumped up and told him don't ever put his hans on me again
she OBVIOUSLY didn't feel that him pushing her was justified in anyway (which it wasn't) - which is why she reacted the way she did.
eta: NO MAN EVER has a right to be physically violent with a woman! EVER. or vice versa.
Message edited 5/1/2006 7:07:47 PM.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:03 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:05 PM |
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MrsS2005
Mom of 3
Member since 11/05 13118 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Redhead
sorry but
a man putting his hands on the back of her neck and shoving her face into a couch...
IS IN FACT VIOLENT...IS IN FACT ABUSE...
physical as well as mental...
not only did he do that....he degraded her even more by doing it in front of someone else...
And again. ...the man did nothing to his "friend"..
not only did nothing but ALLOWED THE IDIOT to stay over his house....
sorry but IMO that alone is ODD and sick
I completely agree. His behavior was inexcusable and inappropriate. It's never ok to lay a hand on a spouse.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:06 PM |
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anon
where's winter?
Member since 11/05 2209 total posts
Name:
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xxxxxxx
Message edited 2/12/2007 9:19:45 AM.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:08 PM |
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Moehick
Ready for the sun!
Member since 5/05 30339 total posts
Name:
Properly perfect™
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
It is NEVER OK for anyone to put their hands on another in a violent manner...especially husband to wife
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:09 PM |
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ggt08
;)
Member since 5/05 5208 total posts
Name:
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Lolita4Life
Posted by dm24angel
I may be in the minority but I dont think her husband was "VIOLENT" with her. If the tables were turned, I think I would be capable of much worse to my own husband. I have actually hit my husband once during a fight and That makes me horrible and just because hes stronger or a man doesnt make it any more right.
If I caught my husband flirting with a friend, then staying up late to drink with them? Im sorry I think it was mild what he did. I would thin kmy husband would throw me out on the street on my asss to be honest.
I dont condone a man hurting a women , but I think out of anger, he pushed you and controlled himself pretty well.
I would suggest counseling ASAP, because you obviously dont understand what a marriage is about yet and he may need to find out if he indeed has any kind of anger issues.
i actually agree. i think people are getting too hung up on her dh's actions and acting liek he BEAT her.
ANY man who puts a hand on a woman is WRONG!!!
my ex didnt beat me but he put his hands on me like the above husband did.. and he was drunk... NO EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!!! ITS WRONG and SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was the idiot who put up with it for as long as I did. you walk away from the situation if you are that drunk and angry..... hands around the throat, pushed to the couch, how could ANYONE justify that kind of behavior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:10 PM |
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Wendy1220
LIF Adult
Member since 3/06 2004 total posts
Name:
wendy
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Hmm, people are acting as though he "beat" her? I have a problem with this statement. Whether he hit her with a closed fist or pushed her and put his hands around her neck, it's the same thing...inexcusable abusive behavior. I don't give a rats behind what he was mad at, and the posters response of he didn't squeeze THAT hard really disturbes me. I don't think people realize that any act of physical violence IS abusive. Not to mention that it only takes a very short while with someone's hands around anothers neck to do serious damage.
I'm not ignoring the other issues here, I think they both have lots to think about because it seems there are major issues in the relationship. However, she is clearly minimizing his behavior and making excuses for an abusive outburst. My question is this, what will happen the next time she "does something to piss him off"? And, whatever his response may be, are you saying it's okay as long as he doesn't give her an all out beating?
Not okay...EVER, EVER, EVER. To those that recognize this, thank goodness because any one of us could find ouselves in this situation at any given time.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:19 PM |
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Susan
Loving Mommyhood!
Member since 5/05 2391 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but I think eveyrone is throwing this out of proportion. You're only human. Just because you got married doesn't mean you can't find other guys attractive and want to be with them. The fact that you didn't move forward with it proves that you love dh. Alcohol brings your inhibitions down and since you both find each other attractive, you were flirtactious. I know that I get flirtactious when I drink too. You're not a bad person. And I don't think your dh is either. He was jealous and upset which are natural feelings given the situation. My advice is to not hang out with this guy or put yourself in a situation where you're alone with him again, esp. while drinking...because next time you may not have the strength to say no. GL!
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:32 PM |
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kms717
St Philomena Protect My Son
Member since 2/06 2747 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Susan
I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but I think eveyrone is throwing this out of proportion. You're only human. Just because you got married doesn't mean you can't find other guys attractive and want to be with them. The fact that you didn't move forward with it proves that you love dh. Alcohol brings your inhibitions down and since you both find each other attractive, you were flirtactious. I know that I get flirtactious when I drink too. You're not a bad person. And I don't think your dh is either. He was jealous and upset which are natural feelings given the situation. My advice is to not hang out with this guy or put yourself in a situation where you're alone with him again, esp. while drinking...because next time you may not have the strength to say no. GL!
I was afraid to say it first  just cause you flirt with someone doesn't make you a bad person. This is just a bad situation all around.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:35 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
if it was innocent flirting or innocent attraction....no i don't see why one would feel guilty....
IMO in this case, fromt he things that have been said...i dont' think it was innocent at all.
I think she knew her feelings...and did set herself up by staying out there with him. Which i think was wrong
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:38 PM |
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Wendy1220
LIF Adult
Member since 3/06 2004 total posts
Name:
wendy
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by kms717
Posted by Susan
I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but I think eveyrone is throwing this out of proportion. You're only human. Just because you got married doesn't mean you can't find other guys attractive and want to be with them. The fact that you didn't move forward with it proves that you love dh. Alcohol brings your inhibitions down and since you both find each other attractive, you were flirtactious. I know that I get flirtactious when I drink too. You're not a bad person. And I don't think your dh is either. He was jealous and upset which are natural feelings given the situation. My advice is to not hang out with this guy or put yourself in a situation where you're alone with him again, esp. while drinking...because next time you may not have the strength to say no. GL!
I was afraid to say it first just cause you flirt with someone doesn't make you a bad person. This is just a bad situation all around.
I'm not saying she's a bad person. Things happen but I do think that if her feelings go to the extent they do for someone else, she needs to think about it. My bigger issue with this situation is that some think his behavior is excusable and it isn't in any way shape or form. There are othe ways of dealing w/anger, her hubby's way is totally off course.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:40 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
I just know I have Hit DH and so I can understand , I dont think its right at all.
I meant to come across as really thinking this was being blown out of proportion. YES, he does need to get help for even doing what he did in the first place, BUT I dont think hes an abuser at all. Just my take on it.
My BF( a female) caught her husband kissing someone...She beat them both, literally gave the girl two black eyes and cut open her husbands mouth. Is she an abuser?
I think anyone who raise stheir hands to anyone else as a reaction has a problem, BUT I think that we are ganging up on the guy saying he is a wife beater , instead of really seeing the situation and saying that he needs to deal with his anger and get help for it but not go to jail for abuse.
I think they both need help.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:42 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Susan
I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but I think eveyrone is throwing this out of proportion. You're only human. Just because you got married doesn't mean you can't find other guys attractive and want to be with them. The fact that you didn't move forward with it proves that you love dh. Alcohol brings your inhibitions down and since you both find each other attractive, you were flirtactious. I know that I get flirtactious when I drink too. You're not a bad person. And I don't think your dh is either. He was jealous and upset which are natural feelings given the situation. My advice is to not hang out with this guy or put yourself in a situation where you're alone with him again, esp. while drinking...because next time you may not have the strength to say no. GL!
and honestly...if nothing that happened that night was wrong ...if it was all natural part of life...
WHY do they have to not hang out with the friend?
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:44 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by dm24angel
My BF( a female) caught her husband kissing someone...She beat them both, literally gave the girl two black eyes and cut open her husbands mouth. Is she an abuser?
donna...you can't even compare ths situations AT ALL
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:45 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by Redhead
Posted by dm24angel
My BF( a female) caught her husband kissing someone...She beat them both, literally gave the girl two black eyes and cut open her husbands mouth. Is she an abuser?
donna...you can't even compare ths situations AT ALL
yeah I can...They were all very very drunk and a mistake was made. It was just a kiss.
This girl in this thread..kissed a man that was not her husband...
She stated that ....
So what makes it different?
I really dont want to take this any futher, cause I feel bad for the poster and her husband and I would hate to get into any debates. I just think women can get away with something and when a man "pushes" someone he is called an abuser.
But I dont want ANYONE to put words into my mouth and say that I condone it..Of course I dont. I dont think he was right.
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:48 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: bad - long confession - update on page 2
Posted by dm24angel
Posted by Redhead
Posted by dm24angel
My BF( a female) caught her husband kissing someone...She beat them both, literally gave the girl two black eyes and cut open her husbands mouth. Is she an abuser?
donna...you can't even compare ths situations AT ALL
yeah I can...They were all very very drunk and a mistake was made. It was just a kiss.
So what makes it different?
I really dont want to take this any futher, cause I feel bad for the poster and her husband and I would hate to get into any debates. I just think women can get away with something and when a man "pushes" someone he is called an abuser.
But I dont want ANYONE to put words into my mouth and say that I condone it..Of course I dont. I dont think he was right.
Donna....BECAUSE
1. it was in fact a MUTUAL kiss
2. that wasn't just anyone...that was her SISTER INLAW.
I can't imagine seeing something like that...
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| Posted 5/1/06 7:50 PM |
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