Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

so, the other day dh and I were talking about different things and in a half serious manner I said "what would happen to our (as of yet unborn) children if we died"

so then we got into this whole discussion and ended up arguing about it.

here it is:

he would feel most comfortable if we left our child in the care of his brother and SIL, with help from his mom.

they have two daughters, who are good girls and I love very much, but here is 'te thing.

his SIL has been terrible to me ever since we have started together. No one knows exactly why she has gone out of her way to be exceptionally mean and nasty to me, but she has. It's no secret, everyone knows and no one seems to give a rats asss. everyone tells me to ignore her blah blah blah..while she gets away with her rude behavorior...fine, I'm a big girl I can take the hits.

BUT, the idea of her potentially raising my child does NOT sit well with me. and this is where our fight began.

he says that just b/c she treats ME a certain way does not mean that she will treat our child that way. AND more than that, since the child is half his and not all mine, she would treat the child as she treats my husband (she is good to him). Plus, his brother and mother would be involved and treat the child well.

my thing is this, I don't know how well or not she would treat the kid...I could try to give the benefit of the doublt that she'd be more mature than that, fine.

but my real problem is this....if I die and my child does not get the chance to know me, his/her mother, it bothers me to know that my child will live in a home, with a person, that treated me (and presumably THINKS of me) with such malice and disdain. I cannot help to think that some of that feeling will be exposed to my child...and that their thoughts or beliefs in the person I was will be skewed by the (dis)regard in which I was held by dh's SIL.

her own daughters have had to defend me at times when she has made comments about me at home (they adore me.) but they have the benefit of knowing who I am b/c I show them...but my child won't have that luxury....

I just feel like I'd want my child to grow up in a home with people who loved and respected BOTH of their parents...and with people who would preserve their memory and foster it will good things.

after 14 years I'd hazard a guess that my SIL really knows very little about who I am, rather than the smack that she talks about who she thinks I am (the **** that gets back to me that she says is )

anyway, after all this...what would you do? how would you feel?

should it be enough for me to know that my child would not want for much, be happy with their cousins, be well educated with them even though it would be by someone who doesn't like me?

Am I being selfish or thinking too much about it?

sorry for the length, but something happened yesterday just reminded me of this all and I really needed to vent.

thanks again.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I wouldn't want to leave my kids with her either.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

We thought long and hard of potentials guardians for DS if we were to both die.

We picked who we felt would raise DS the best in our opinion. It would never be like us but we tried our best to pick who we felt most comfortable with our decision.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I would never pick a guardian who was terrible to me.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I think you have to look into this statement that you made - because this is truly what I believe:

'I just feel like I'd want my child to grow up in a home with people who loved and respected BOTH of their parents...and with people who would preserve their memory and foster it will good things.'

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

i can definitely see your point and I think it is an absolutely valid reason for not leaving your child to them.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Choosing guardians for our DS was truly the hardest decision. I will say, NEVER would I leave my son with someone who would speak badly about me, that just is not right, and not fair to your child.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

We had the SAME argument way back.

My SIL is an ok person. She's a good mom to her daughter..but her personality totally clashes with mine. She is not very maternal...meaning she didn't like to hold her baby a lot, she would rather her DD be more independent and not clingy (bothered me a lot). She doesn't have a natural sense of humor..

But in DH's eyes, she is a good person and financially stable etc...UMM to me NOT a reason to be guardian to my child(ren).

We chose my sister. She is only 19 but I trust her 100% with my kids and I know she loves johnny like her own. It was very important to me that a female member of my side of the family be the guardian..they know me better than anyone...and they know what kind of mom I would have been to my kids and would best replicate that and love them.

It was something I was not flexible on. DH understood completley and was happy to name my sister, but he was sad that I felt that way about his sister...

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

thanks ladies.

I will say in all fairness that our other choices are really not that stellar and everyone seems to have at least one flaw.

to dh, it matters far less what his SIL thinks of me as long as our child is in a stabile home and is loved.

right now no one on my side has those things (my sister and her husband are constantly at odds with each other, and my uncle and his wife are having MAJOR problems with his wife's oldest son which has impacted the little one's greatly.

the only "issue" with my BIL's family is his wife's issue with me.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I agree that I would never want my DD raised by someone who does not like me (for all of the reasons you gave.) Is there any possibility of making peace with her? They do sound like the best choice right now. Have you ever sat her down and had a heart to heart with her? Obviously, I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like either she is jealous of you for some reason OR your personality just rubs her the wrong way (you know, how some people's personalities just clash?) Maybe she will change when you do have kids of you own too? You'll have more in common then. just a thought??

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

This was one decision that was pretty easy for us, my sister and brother-in-law are really the only logical choice. They would also make great parents and agreed to do this, so it wasn't hard.

I would not want someone raising my children who disliked me so intensely either. As I'm sure you are afraid, she may take it out on your children.

Are there any other options? You could ask friends too, it doesn't have to be a family member.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I can't blame you for how you feel. I would totally not want SIL to be the guardian of my child if she was always nasty and talking ish about me. What if your child has your temperment? Your face? Your way with words??? Will she be mature enough not to project her feelings about you onto your child? And if she does manage to do that, will she be able to hold back the occasional snarky comment about you in front of your kid?

Because no matter what, no child likes hearing bad things about their parent. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, it makes a kid feel terrible.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I wouldn't leave my child to someone who didn't like me.

My sister and BIL are the guardians of DD if something should happen to us. I have no doubt that they would treat DD and their own (they have 2 kids).

I could never leave DD with somone who didnt like me, for several reasons- including the reasons you gave. But most importantly, I don't know if they would treat my child like their own.

If she has such disdain for you after 14 years, its not going away so fast. She could see the child as half yours and that could affect the way she treats your child. And THAT woudl kill me. If we're gone, I need to know that my DC will get unconditional love and treated as if she is their own. I woudln't want someone thinking, that's her mother in her, everytime she did something wrong.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Ugh, I can totally empathize.

Before I was pg DH and I would discuss this topic constantly.

To me, it was a no brainer. My sister and BIL who have 2 beautiful kids, a beautiful house filled with love, and a stable relationship.

DH wasn't totally against them but felt his family should be "incorporated".

I told him I thought my sister would an excellent job at maintaining relationships for the children's sake with both sides of the family.

Finally one day I wised up and said "Well, who would you prefer to be guardian over our children? You 18 year old brother who is still in college, hasn't had a shot at creating a life of his own, and has absolutely no financial independence from your parents yet. Or, your sister, who is 28 years old, still lives at home, has not a penny in savings to show for it, and you despise her boyfriend?"

Solved that problem real quick.

Although, in your situation it doesn't seem like you have any alternatives to chose from. Is speaking to your SIL about the way she treats you an option? Maybe if you tell her why you are bringing up the topic (because you are starting to think about guardianship of your [unborn] children) she wise up and let go of whatever issue it is that she has with you.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Leo's 2 choices were hysterical to me.

Choice #1...I don't think they ever even want kids of their own...but since they are great to their dog, they would be great to Josh.

Choice #2...BIL and SIL, since then have divorced. BIL is this angry military guy, SIL is totally cold hearted....so ontop of Josh being an orphan, we are going to sent him to a cold maternal figure?

Since then, I have my parents picked. Leo is fine with that, he just feels that they are too old.

I have made a long list though of family who can never be left alone with Josh.

I would never pick someone who was mean to me...being a mother to someone else's kid must be hard. for anyone...but extra hard if the mother was not liked.

Message edited 5/1/2008 12:31:54 PM.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I would NOT leave my child to someone like that...period

It is a very hard decision but you and DH HAVE to agree on this, he does hot get to "pull rank: (not that I think he is)

When Mikayla was born, it was a no-brainer that my sister and BIL would be her guradians if we were to both die

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

thanks again for your feedback everyone.

I will say that a sit down/heart to heart/reconcilliation is just not possible for many reasons, but mostly b/c we've had them before, but it means nothing. she's never treated me any better.

ultimately I want to do the right thing for my child. and I think perhaps it IS selfish in a certain way for me to be thinking about how my child will remember me.

but it's my child. my fresh, blood, sweat, and tears.

and if motherhood earns you nothing else, I think it earns you AT LEAST that much.

thanks again.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Same conversation on Saturday
Got into a NICE fight over it

I don't have an answer yet

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I would never leave my child with someone who disliked me. I'd want DD to be raised by someone who will love her as much as they love me. Luckily my DH and I both agreed to leave her with my mom and step-dad. It was a difficult topic to bring up though because I wasn't sure how he would react. I guess I am just very lucky. Good Luck with your decision.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

What's the alternative. My SIL would never get my kids for the same reason.

Re: Can I crash to ask you guys a serious and potentially morbid question

I wouldn't leave DD with someone who treated me that way. It is important to me that if something happened and my DD and any future kids are raised by someone else, they should be able to tell them who we were. Someone who was so mean and had such malice wouldn't even be on my short list.

It sounds like you have very maturely turned the other cheek through out your relationship with this person. I commend you for that and the patience you have shown. You are not wrong at all. I'd also be worried that either my child wouldn't be treated well or my memory wouldn't be honored.