Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

We have been in our starter home for five years. It has served us well, but it's time to move on.

We are listing our current house on January 1st, and once it sells, we will begin our search for our next and hopefully our "forever" home.

Here is the issue- and I want you to be brutally honest with me- I can take it!

We live on the South Shore, about 15 minutes east from my parent's house and about 10 minutes west from my Mother's job. So needless to say, we see them ALOT. My Mom stops over most days after school (work) and visits and helps me out with Ava (5) and Brody (almost 1). She is off in the summers and spends a lot of time with us. She is not only a HUGE help, but also my best friend.

We don't have any other family on Long Island.

Since we started our house search, my DH suggested that I look into my "dream town". I did, and now with the market being what it is, we can actually afford to live there. I was shocked.

I would loooove to live there. It has everything that we are looking for- great school, a main street, cultural events and a real family friendly vibe. The problem is, that it is on the North Shore.

I am not working right now, but when I do, I am a Pharma Rep, visiting Doctors all over Long Island. My DH works with Spinal Surgeons all over Long Island. So, it's not like being on the North Shore will add to our "commutes", because we are all over anyway.

The only problem, is that it will be about 40 minutes away from my parents. That means-my Mom can't drop by for a little while after work, because it is way out of the way. She said that she would be very sad, and won't be able to see the kids as much. My Aunts say it's too far and don't expect much help from my Mom because of the distance.

My DD is veeeery attatched to my Mom, and I don't want to upset her either.

My DH is aggravated, because he feels that my Mom should be more supportive of us moving there. It's not that she's not, she just doesn't want us to be far away, and loves to be able to be with the kids as much as possible. She feels that she lives in a great town, that we would be very happy in. We were originally looking in that town. Although it is nice there, it's not our Dream town.

I really am torn. I want to make the move, but I don't want to be lonely. I don't want my kids to only see their grandparents occasionally. I want them in their lives as much as possible.

So, am I being a wimp or what??? WHat would you do?

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I'm sorry that is a tough one...I only have

If it is your dream town will it really mean your children will grow up and truly benefit from being there...more so than living close to grandma??

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

IMHO, you should move to your dream town. If your mom wants to be involved she will find a way. DH & I moved to our starter home in the Town of Brookhaven. My mom lives in the Town of Huntington, his mom lives in the Town of Smithtown. His mother makes an effort to see DD, my mother does not (this involves us going there, but I'm talking about effort). His is 10 years older than mine and only drives to and from work and SIL's house. Mine drives down to Maine and Florida and wherever it is she wants to go.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I say move to your dream town. 40 minutes is not that long of a drive, and you'll still be able to see your daughter.
If I could move to my dream town, even if it was far from my parents, I would totally do it.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I also think you should move to your dream town. You may never get the chance again and could regret it--you may resent your Mom for inhibiting you. 40 minutes is not so far and while it may be a pain for her to drop by after work daily, she can come by on Friday nights/weekends and during the summers when she is off.

I live in Brooklyn, which is gigantic, and at least 30 minutes (depending on traffic) away from my Mom and Sister (who is my BF) and I see them all the time. I live 35-40 minutes away from my brother, SIL and niece and nephew and go over their house at least once a week.

In my experience, if you want to be a part of your family in a very close way, you will be. I have a sister who lives all the way out east on LI and I never go out to see her, nor does she see me. When she lived in Brooklyn, 30 minutes away, we also very rarely saw eachother. We just don't have that type of relationship...KWIM?

Anyway, HTH...

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I will be brutally honest and tell you that I moved 30 minutes from my parents and we are VERY close. It is HARD very hard and I so wish in a stressfull moment that I could run over to her house for a cup of tea or a glass of wine but It doesn not happen 99% of the time. I wish she could help me in the ways you talk about, but it is not practical. She babysits for me once a week while I work for a full day. But DH works nights and I know if we were closer to my Mom she would help me so much more. 30 minutes is really an Hour because you have to consider round trip.It makes us have lunch and /or dinner together less etc.. I TOTALLY regret it, but then again, I kinda knew in my heart that I would before I did it.
I would say this to you, follow your heart!

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I have to say that you sound very torn and I think you know being that far will not work out for you. It sounds to me like you value family above all else and that you may just feel too lonely.

If I were in your shoes, I would not go. I think you really value time with your family from all you wrote and that it may just be too far for what you desire in regards to family time. JMO

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Ok here's the brutal honesty. I think it's great that you have a wonderful relationship with your mom. I also think that a wonderful relationship with your mom that is that close also stifles you in terms of making your own friends.I She's being selfish by not being more supportive of you & your choices only because of how it affects her.

I don't know how old your parents are but when my MIL & FIL up & moved to FL we were all shocked. You need to focus on your family & where you want to live.

My mom lives 6 minutes away. We are close but I have my own friends. She is a huge, huge help with sick children needing to be picked up at school, last minute babysitting, etc. I would be hesitant to move away from my mom but I already live in the dictrict I want to live. As hesitant as I would be, I would move - and I'd make sure my new house had a room for her.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

That is a tuff one! We live in apartment in my In-laws house and hope to buy a house soon. I couldn't imagine buying a house with a 40 minute commute from my in-laws and my parents. My MIL is the biggest help. We are able to do so much because she lives so close. It will be an even bigger help when we have a second child. Plus, I get lonely during the day and she is always around to hang out with. Also, a lot of my friends live in this town. So, for me I would never move far away.
It does sound like your DH does want to move, so of course you have to bought agree what you would want to do.

Your parents will still be in your children's lives, but they will not be around as much as they are now. You will probably be doing alot more on your own.

Message edited 8/10/2009 11:38:27 PM.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Coming from someone who lived 5 minutes from their parents and then moved OOS but only 1.5 hours away you have to do what is best for YOUR family.
My parents both worked and still were raising children at home but if I needed my mom right after work I knew she would be their. My mother was DEVASTATED when we told we were moving to NJ. We actually didn't tell her for a month and half after we went into contract with the home we bought because I was so scared.
Once we moved and she saw the commute my DH had every day she agreed that we did the right thing even though she really missed us.
I will be honest and say that we don't see them often but that is because I feel that they don't make the effort. I really try to go and see them, see my IL's who are in queens plus my friends so I feel like I am always in NY.

I think it will be easier to make friends than you think it will. Especially since Ava is in school. I had one friend had met through a stroller sale on CL and then I got really friendly with a mom from DS's class. We go to the same gym and take classes together and really get along nicely.

Will it be hard and an adjustment, yes, but I think you will regret not moving to your dreamtown and probably resent your mother for that. I know I regret not moving to my dreamtown when we were looking when we got engaged. Now, I don't think we would ever be able to afford that area.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Its a tough decision I know, were kinda in same boat. But you gotta ask yourself in a few years when your kids are older.. "will you regret not having done the move, and having that dream house you wanted?" For your mom to put guilt on you about being sad about not seeing her grandchildren is not fair at all to do to you, IMO. If she wants to see them, she will find a way to see them thats it. You cant put your life on hold for everyone else. I say go and take the leap and get that dream house you want. In a few years you may decided you know what lets do it, then cant afford to do it, know what I mean?

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

My mother is my best friend in the world, and I moved to NC.....now THAT'S far from West Islip! We don't regret moving down here -- this is where we wanted to be and love it! I miss her terribly, I truly do....but the life I wanted for my kids came first. It's a hard decision, I know!

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

welcome to my world!!

i could almost have written your exact post, word for word, except for the commute (ours will become slightly longer, but not by much).

DH and i both grew up on the South Shore (nasssau) and have always wanted to move to the North Shore, especially suffolk county. now that home prices are so low, we can afford to do it!

right now we live VERY close to both sets of parents.

when we told my parents where we were moving to my mother was very upset and gave me a guilt trip every chance she got. you know what? too bad. we're getting a great piece of property and a lovely home at a great price - that we would NEVER be able to afford anywhere close to where our parents are now!

as much as i love my parents, and get along with my ILs, i am really looking forward to moving further away and not having to deal with constant requests to see the baby(ies).

i refuse to feel guilty. this is my life, not theirs.

so that's the advice i would give you - it's not like you are moving to another country or even another state! this is your life and you have the opportunity to realize a dream. go for it!!

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I had always lived no more than 5 minutes from my parents. When I met DH 4 years ago, he already had a home out east, about 45 minutes away from my home. Needless to say, when I moved in with him, I saw my parents maybe 1x a month and that was only if I drove to them. Now that I have my DS, it hasn't changed. They are still expecting me to go to them....it really stinks, but what can you do. If I want my kids to have a relationship with them, I have to make the trip.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Personally, I would move to my dream town because 40 minutes really isnt that far of a commute. Your mom can still come over plenty often, and I bet although she says she won't be able to come over as much, if it actually happens, she will find a way. Maybe not quite as much, but often enough. But, you and your DH have to have a real heart-to-heart and decide what is best for your family and make the decision together. Whatever you decide, go with it, don't look back, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about your decision.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Coming from someone who moved an hour and 20 minutes away - sometimes I think I made the best decision and other times I really really really wish I was closer. It's so hard. I really LOVE where I live, but I miss my family terribly. Overall I'm happy here and I usually make the drive there, but when my mom or my MIL comes its usually for a weekend which is nice too.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I would move to your dream town. 40 minutes isn't that bad. I would be jumping up and down for joy if my family was 40 minutes away! DH's family is 2 1/2 hours away and mine is 4 hours away, and there are so many times we wished they were closer. But, we did what was best for our family.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I think you need to do what works for your family...you are still close enough to your mom to do frequent visits.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Wow.. I went throught the mother guilt when I moved to jersey in May...

Honestly, it's on 40 minutes away, she doesn't need a passport to get there. You will be amazed how close you and your husband grow now that you have to rely more on eachother rather than her. It's forced teamwork.

Do what is best for YOUR family. It is normal to feel guilty but time to move on... It's not like you are moving to Europe.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

It is very hard to balance parents, children, finances.

I grew up in Nassau. My mom still lives there. My brother met a girl from Suffolk, married her and bought a house there. He has 3 children that my mother adores.

I bought a house 5 minutes from my mother. She is one of my closest friends. There is nothing stifling about our relationship. I love how close we are. I would not have wanted to move far away from her. But the truth is, she spends a lot more time with my son than she does with my brother's children. She works during the week and will not come home from a long day and make the 35-40 minute drive to my brother's house. I pop by to see her for a half hour or sometimes we grab a quick dinner together.

Since my son was born, my brother has commented several times on how he wished we were all closer together. My family dynamic is different though. My father passed away suddenly in 2003 at a relatively young age and I refused to move far away from my mom.

I would really need to weigh out what makes the dream town so great. If you were originally looking in the same town as your mom, I wouldn't be so quick to turn it down.

In the end, you will make the right decision for your family. I just couldn't give up a relationship that wonderful for a specific town. I am a big believer in the whole "life is short" mentality. I would sacrifice the great town for a another town/house you liked that was closer to mom and gave you and your children more opportunity to spend time with their loved ones.

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I would only move for better schools. The main street is nice, but you can drive there to hang out if you'd like. I think you would really, really miss having your mom to lean on. My parents are currently a half hour away and it is a meaningful distance. We see them every week, but its a plan ahead sort of thing... Especially because the half hour distance can sometimes become an hour or more if there is an accident on the LIE. We chose the distance for my husband's commute (25 minute train ride instead of 55 in my parent's town...)

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I would move to my dream town if I were you.... 40 minutes is really not that far.

(My parents live in Oklahoma ~ you are very lucky to have your mom on Long Island)

Re: Can I please get your honest opinion on this??? LONGGGGGGGGG

I am extremely close with my parents and went from living WITH them to living 40 minutes away. We live on the south shore now and they live on the North Fork. We both make the effort and see each other at least three times a week. It was never even a concern because we knew that we would just put in that extra effort to see each other. I say go for it, but just know that it might take some coaxing at first. For us, my parents love our house so much and our town (and they never thought they would when we bought the house) that they make an extra effort spend time here and are actually considering moving to our town. So you never know