Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Before our twins were born 8 weeks ago my in-laws were super excited and offered on many occasions to help out since they are both retired. Well, as soon as the twins were born their words were simply just words. When they visited us in the hospital for the first time, I asked my mother in law if she wanted to hold the babies and she declined, my father in law as well. I thought this was so odd and I was a little offended. Perhaps to this day I still don't understand and that is why I am posting this.
We arrived home with the babies and they came over the following week for a visit and still declined to hold the babies but look at them from a distant. FYI- these are their only grandchildren that they will ever have. They declined the following time they visited as well. I recently went back to work and my husband is home with the babies during the day. My inlays have been visiting while I am at work and as soon as I get home they leave. My husband said that my mother in law has been holding the babies and trying to feed them.
What bothers me the most is that they have left pairs of slippers for themselves in my living room and put a picture of just the 2 of them in my son's room on his dresser. Mind you there is not even a picture of my husband & I in my son's room and we are his parents. I noticed the picture this evening and told my husband that they are starting to cross boundaries. He said what am I supposed to do tell them they can't put a picture there? I am putting him in a weird position too. I am afraid this is going to get worse. I know they are the grandparents, but a picture of them on the dresser....I don't get it.
In addition, my husband & I really need a nice dinner out and would only be gone for 2-3 hours. My husband asked his mother if she would babysit and she said no that we should wait till they get older because they are too young. WTF? Why did they even say that they would help out when they clearly don't have any intention to? I am so upset. Ladies, what are your thoughts?

Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I am really pissed off about the picture that they put up in my son's room most of all!

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Sounds to me like they were just nervous to handle new babies and are getting more and more comfortable. The photo thing is a little weird but I'd just let it go. Slippers too. You'll just come off ungrateful imo.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I get the feeling they are nervous around the babies, now seeing them so small and fragile looking.

The picture and the slippers I would not be ok with. Very very weird! I get the feeling they are more uncomfortable being with the babies around you, THE MOM< than just with your DH. They know us moms are like hawks, lol.

How often are they going to be at your home when you are not there?

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I don't mind the slippers, but would put them away when they are not there. As for the photo, put one of you and your husband up in your child's room as well as one of your parents. This way the babies will see photos of faces which is important for infant development.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I honestly think you are overreacting BUT I am basing this on my relationship with my ILs, not your relationship with yours.

I'd love to see a pic of my ILs in my kids' rooms, they are wonderful grandparents and my kids adore them. It would be my own fault (laziness ) if there were no pics of me or DH in their rooms.

As for the slippers, is that a cultural thing? I could totally see my parents or ILs leaving slippers here for themselves if they visited every day while I was at work.

I would take a step back and look at this objectively. I think they may have been surprised at how tiny babies, especially twins, are when they are born and were nervous. They also may be getting a bad vibe from you and that is why they only hold the babies when your DH is home and you are at work.

If you want to make this work, be honest with yourself and take a closer look at your relationship with them. Good luck

Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

maybe they are nervous to hold the baby.......

picture thing would bug me....... if you don't move the picture, then put up some pictures of you and dh ASAP(I'd also get bigger frames for yours too) :)

Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

My babies were 7 pounds each when they were born and 100% healthy. My brought up 2 kids of their own, however it has been a number of years so I understand the nervousness. However, I don't understand how they were planning to help if they still don't want to change diapers or even babysit. Anyway, I am going to put there slippers in the closet when they are not here. It is not a cultural thing, I think it is a more of a make myself at home kind of a thing. As for the picture, I moved it on my son's bookshelf and I am going to put a picture of my husband and I on the dresser as you are right it is good for child development. I will put the same picture on my daughter's dresser as well.
I don't know how often they are going to be visiting while I am at work. I really don't mind if they visit while I am not there.
Oh yeah, & I forgot to mention that my daughter's middle name is Nicole and is named after my father who passed. The first time my mother-in-law came over for a visit she said to my daughter "We are going to change your middle name to sunshine" knowing that she is named after my father. That really upset me and got me worrying what else is she going to tell my kids when I am not there.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I have kinda the same issue with my MIL... She only ever comes over while I'm at work and DH is home with my girls. She would rather "help" when I'm not there to see what she is doing. Unfortunately, this is your MIL so you have to tread lightly with DH! try to embrace whatever relationship they will have with your babies... It is your house and they are your babies so when it comes to their well being and safety, stand your ground, but i would try to let the small things slide as much as you can....

Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Leaving slippers at your home is kinda weird...but if they will be visiting alot to help care for the babies I guess it makes sense. I don't see why they can't be comfortable.

I don't really see a problem with a photograph of them with their grandchild placed in his room. I think it bothers you because it's the only photo. Just replace with a family photo and move said photo to another location in the room.

It seems like they are uncomfortable holding the baby around you.
Sometimes as a new mom, we can tend to get a bit over protective. Not saying it's wrong, as a mother you have every right to do and feel however you want especially after giving birth. But this can make people uncomfortable, and they may not want to hold the baby in fear that they are not doing it 'right.' MY DH said his family members felt this way around me when I had my first child.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

my in laws really similar, especially my father in law, he was super nervous to handle the baby and not until he turned almost 1, did I really notice how much he loved to hang out with him, and takes him anytime.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I really think you are overreacting. The things they are doing are so not a big deal.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Do you ask for them to take their shoes off when they come over? I can't see why they would even need to have slippers, unless you had requested them to remove their shoes?

The picture thing is cute, in my opinion, and you can put a pic of you guys in there too! In my DS's rooms, I have a pic of them their with their grandpa, but none with DH and I. He sees us everyday!

As for not holding them, sounds like they felt nervous. And, at least they were honest about not wanting to babysit them when they were so little.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I think I would be annoyed with the picture too, but it seems like they don't want to over step any boundaries with you around and upset you if they do something you might not (take the picture out of the equation for now).

I would just sit down with them and be honest. Tell them that you love that they come over and spend time with your DH and the babies but there is no reason for them to leave. Ask them if they feel uncomfortable around you.

As far as the slippers, I would care at all and I actually think it is really respectful. They don't want to track dirt into the house with there shoes but don't want to walk bare foot. My FIL has slippers at my house and my MIL brings them every time she comes over. She can't walk barefoot.

Message edited 10/10/2012 8:51:44 AM.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I'd probably be a little annoyed with the picture, but I wouldn't move it. i might place a picture of me and DH in the room also. Not to get back at someone, but to just have more things for your LO's to look up at.

It seems like they might not feel too comfortable being around the babies and are slowly working there way up to it. I wouldn't take offense to them saying that the babies are too young for you to leave them alone with them to babysit, because I'm guessing that is their way of saying that they are not comfortable being alone with them yet. And me personally I'd rather someone tell me that they are not comfy with being along watching my children than doing it and not having my children properly cared for.

My MIL and FIL basically leave the house when I get home and rarely will hold my kids in front of me. Part of it has to do with they don't want to take away from my time and part of it is their own issues. I would be the better person and not let it bother you.

As for having them watch them so you can go out to dinner with DH. I'd ask again, and if they decline since the babies are too young, I would say ok, and ask them to let you know when they feel comfortable being with them alone so you two can go out for a short dinner. Me and DH started out with short trips to the store first to get them used to being alone with our kids, before the dinners out.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I actually thought it sounded like they might be trying to be very respectful. Maybe when your MIL had her babies she didn't like people handling them so little? Maybe they haven't been around tiny babies in a very long time and were too nervous of accidentally hurting them? I agree the not holding for grandparents is a bit weird but it's not like they didn't even come to see them.

Them leaving before or right when you got home from work I would take as them not wanting to intrude on family time. If my mom is here and DH gets home she always leaves shortly after becuase she doesn't want to intrude. She does it because she's being respectful, not becuase she doesn't want to see DH.

I would actually be THRILLED at the slipper thing! Do you wear shoes in your house? Do your IL's wear shoes in theirs? I ask becuase we are a shoes-free home with mostly hardwoods. My mom always brings (but doesn't leave them here, although she should!) a pair of slippers because her feet get cold on our floors otherwise. I would be glad they weren't wearing their shoes in the house where little babies will be on the floor, but I'm also a germaphobe. I would think this is probably what they're thinking too, although I could be wrong.

The picture in the room is pretty weird, but again, I was thinking maybe they wanted that to be there for your son but didn't want to be rude or presumptuous by sticking it in your living room.

eta- I get the impression from your post that they're uncomfortable with the babies being so young. I would try to ask someone else to babysit for now (if that's an option) and revisit the topic once they're older and less fragile.

Message edited 10/10/2012 9:44:58 AM.

Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I think you are overreacting but that is only based on my relatiobnship and how I run my home etc.

THe slippers - i wouldn't care. Just put them in the closet when they are not there. SO many people have a no shoes house and if I did I would be happy that they were followign the rules.

THe picture - Who cares. My DS has Pics of his grandparents but not us. He sees us all the time what does he need a pic of us for and he does not see his GP all the time.

THe holding the kids. People are different. Them holding my baby or not would not affect my life in one bit....they are the ones missing out.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I could see FIL not holding them, but not MIL. That's just odd. My dad wouldn't hold my nephew til he was bigger. (he was a premie and came home under 5 lbs).

The photo would bother me too because you want a photo in his room, yet you wont hold him??

And them coming only when your not home and holding and feeding him is very strange imo. I could see them not wanting to step on your toes if you were over protective, but you offer to have them hold your son. Are they usually just weird people to begin with?

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

Sorry but I wouldnt not be pissed at all.

If they hold them when you're not there they may be trying to not offend you or are nervous. You say this is their ONLY grandchildren ever so I'm sure they know that too. The picture alone tells me that.

Picture in the room wouldn't bother me one bit. They arent around 24/7, we are. So what? I don't think AJ needs a photo of me in the room, but yeah, I'd put one of his mom or my dad. Those are your grandparents. If no other reason that they get familiar with the face.

Slippers in living room? I really can't understand how that's offense. If anything is polite respect to your home. Now if they bring in their own toliet paper and bathroom supplies, I'd be a little

As far as saying they are too young to care for. I think that was an HONEST answer. I wouldn't pass AJ off at even 6m, I doubt seriously anything under that would have been good with me. That's me. But if they are being honest and saying they can't do it, why be upset at them? They could have said something like "Oh I'm playing Bingo that night" then it would have been "how is that more important than your grandchildren?" Instead they were honest.

I'm sorry. But no, I wouldn't be upset by anything you've said so far. I am obviously not aware of any other factors so its just based on your very first post.

Id try to be a little more patient with them and honestly, I'd sit down and talk to them. Find out WHY they are scared to care for them by themselves. If you really hate the photo in the room say something "look thanks for the photo but I'd rather not have it in their room" tho, I'm not sure how to word that without being rude. If you don't like their slippers again say something "Could you not leave your personal stuff in my house" again I am using bad verbage as I don't really understand how their silppers are offensive.

Still point is TALK to them. I wouldn't hold resentment against them without at least trying to talk it out.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?

I wouldn't hesitate to ask them what their deal is and question them on why they don't want to hold the babies when you are there.

This is a very weird situation, you'll never know why they are acting like this unless you ask-but in a concerned way.

I wouldn't leave this up to DH bc he obviously doesn't want to deal with the issue. But you are noticing something not normal for grandparents, so ask!

Our parents couldn't wait to come over and hold our kids, if they had acted this way, I would ask what's up with them and why are they acting to strange around me.

Re: Crazy in-laws or am I overreacting?