Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I know this is a very personal decision specific to the individual, but I'd like to hear some opinions from other moms. DH and I have a 7 year old DS (mine from a previous marriage) who lives with us exactly half the time. We also have a baby of our own on the way in November.

Our original plan was always for me to continue working. I would take my 6 weeks maternity leave and then go back to work full time. DH is the main breadwinner. He makes 1 1/2 times what I make. His salary can and does cover all of our bills and mortgage. My salary is extra and basically goes towards projects around the house. We bought our house about 9 months ago and it needs a decent amount of work. It's completely liveable, but we do have 2 -3 large projects (kitchen reno, driveway reno, and bathroom reno) that will need to be done eventually.

For the past year or so we've been running into issues with DS' schedule. He doesnt go to school in our district, so I have to drive him and pick him up from school each day. Aside from that, he's in several sports and afterschool activities that are becoming very hard for me to get him to and from with my work schedule. It's becoming nearly impossible and I'm having to leave work early ALL THE TIME just to get him to practices. DH really cant help because he travels so frequently for work (and his salary is what pays the bills) that I can't rely on him each week to get DS to and from things consistently. Not to mention, I've missed countless school events (literally, almost everything they've done) because they fall during work hours.

We're now toying with the idea of me staying home after this baby is born. It would relieve all the issues with DS' schedule as I would be home to get him to and from things with no issues. It would also cut out daycare expenses for the baby. If I continue to work, after paying for daycare each month, I would still bring home about $1800/month. While we dont NEED that extra money, it would certainly be nice to have it. Without it, we will have to put most of the household projects on hold, or at least they would take much longer to do as we would have to wait for DH's annual bonus money to use towards them. But DH and I are both thinking that the quality of life would be better with me staying home. DH's job can be done from home a lot and his "territory" is upstate NY, where we have a summer home in Lake George. So, in the summers, he can literally "work from home" in Lake George for weeks at a time, while I come up with the kids and we spend that time almost a vacation together. We can do that all summer if we choose.

My only big concern is that I am not a naturally social person and I'm worried it might be very hard for me (especially during the winter) to find things to do with the kids and meet other mommy friends. I'm worried I might get bored or lazy, or get into a rut. I've always worked. I dont know what not working is like and since we'll be living on 1 income, spending money to do gym glasses and other activities like that aren't really an option for the kids.

For those of you who have been in this position before, what did you decide to do (SAH or go back to work) and what led you to that decision? I'd love all opinions and experiences.

Message edited 7/8/2016 9:52:52 AM.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

Honestly, If I were you, I would be a SAHM. It would relieve a lot of scheduling stress, etc. I would do it in a second if we could swing it financially.

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I think in your situation, sahm would be the better option.

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I wish I was in your position and I would totally be a SAHM. (I am the opposite in that I am the breadwinner by a lot and have no choice in the matter. The best I can do is negotiate more work from home time). My son is 6 and I keep saying it's more important to be home now and onward than when he was younger for the reasons you articulated. Sharing him with his father magnifies that so I can totally relate.

In reality after you take out daycare, you aren't making that much more that would make a tremendous difference in home renovations in a short amount of time. And, I am reminded of something someone who is pregnant with #4 recently said to me... "My parents gave me the gift of siblings and I want to do the same. I don't care what my house looks like, I want a big family." If you change that to "I have the gift of time with my kids, I don't care what my house looks like, I care about my quality of life" that may help.

In terms of typical SAHM issues, I would wonder if having a 7 year old who has to go to school and be picked up and taken to activities and has homework to do would help avoid some of the typical pitfalls if you were home with toddlers and newborns. I imagine I would be very busy keeping his schedule and that would help a lot.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I would do it if we didn't need my salary.

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I would love to. But like next chapter, I'm the bigger breadwinner and my job is more steady. I'm very lucky and because of timing get to stay home with DD and DS for 6 months (teacher who had a baby in the spring).

It does get lonely. DH is out of the house 12 hours a day so I don't get much help. My kids are 23 months apart so it's hard but I'm starting to take them places. If you sign up for free library classes you will start to see the same people and probably make friends. I can't do the library classes during school year because they are always during work hours. But I'd love to stay home and be with them.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I think staying home seems like a great option for you. I don't think you'd have they typical loneliness of being home with a baby since your older DS will require you to be out and about at practices and interacting with other parents.

I would consider what your long term plans are. Will you be able to return to your career easily subsequent to a long break? Would working from home part time be an option to generate some additional income? Would not working greatly affect your retirement plans?

You have 3 months of work remaining maybe you can try to live without your salary in that time and use the savings towards one of your home projects.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I became a sahm. As much as I miss working, and I miss it ALOT. I'm extremely grateful I have this opportunity to get the extra time with my kiddos. I get to volunteer at my kids schools whenever I want. Also the stress of when one of my kids get sick I don't have to scramble to find someone to watch them while I work. You can always go back to work when your lil starts school. Enjoy the time

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I would do it if we didn't need my salary. It is so much easier to work when they are younger and don't have activities!

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I personally would not be a stay at home mom. Not being able to do the projects in the house would be a big factor and i'm just not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Also if I took a few years off work I would have difficulty re-entering the work force.

ETA - any chance you can work from home a day or two?

Message edited 7/8/2016 11:38:33 AM.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I've done both. My kids are under 4 and I have #3 on the way. After paying for daycare I had almost nothing left in my paycheck. But I had to finish out what I was doing for other reasons before I could leave. I always say part time is the way to go if you have that choice. It leaves time for family, but gets you out of the house so you don't get in any ruts.

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

Sounds like staying at home would relieve a lot of the scheduling problems. I'd say look into part time possibly. I'm also not a naturally social person and going work is a good outlet for me. I think having that part of my life is good for me. We sound like we have a similar financial situation. If you are home, then it is good to do things like gymboree or mommy and me to stay sane. Everyone is different, but just something to consider. It's not always about the money.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I'd keep working. But, like previous posters, I am not cut out to be a SAHM and nearly lost my mind while I was on maternity leave (I don't even like my job).

I also wouldn't want to have to cut back on the standard of living we've grown accustomed to- I like the extras!

Message edited 7/8/2016 12:45:01 PM.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

That's a tough decision. It would be awesome to not have to stress about the scheduling issues and to get to spend the whole summer away, not worrying about finding camp, etc. with your kids. We had a summer house when I was growing up and we spent every summer there because my mom didn't work. I have the best memories from there.

BUT...to me, the price you will pay for that is going to be your lifestyle. I don't know that I could give up the quality of life we live right now so I could stay home. It would annoy me to not have the extra money to do the home renos, go out for dinner, vacation, make impulse purchases, etc. Moreover, I would lose my mind if I had to stay home all the time. I could not wait to go back to work after having the baby.

Working P/T or from home would be an ideal solution to the problem.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I got let go from my job at 6 months pregnant. Stayed home with DS for almost 2 years. By the end, i was depressed, lonely, and wanted to work so bad!!! I got a job when Ds turned 2. I started part-time and then moved on to full-time.

Fast forward 4 years later, and I WISH I could be a SAHM! I miss so many events at school, DS can't do activities because there is no one to take him, I don't know any of the other mom's from class because I am not there at pick-up.

I can't afford to stay home. DHs salary would not cover all our bills. Each day I try to fix our budget so that I CAN stay home.

If you can afford it, do the SAHM. Even better, like others suggested, see if you can work part-time.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

Thanks for the responses so far!
To answer a few questions that were asked...

Unfortunately, my job will not allow me to work from home and I dont think part time is an option. Honestly part time would probably be pointless. If I worked full-time my SIL was going to quit her job at a daycare to come work for us for $800/month (she doesnt make much now and she has a DD of her own that she would prefer to be home with, so this kind of works perfectly for her). But if I worked PT, she cant survive on just a PT amount, so she would keep her job and I would need to find a daycare that could take the baby for 2 -3 days per week, which would cost us the same as what we were going to pay SIL for full time care. So, in the end, I'd be making substantially less, but paying the same in daycare for less time.

My plan was that if I SAH, I would only do so until the little one goes to Kindergarten and then I would attempt to get a job either in our local school district, where my hours would be the same as DD, or within our County buildings. Right now other than a small 401K, I have no pension and quitting really wouldn't effect our retirement. But when I go back to work I'd like to find something that does have a pension that we could work toward. Although I have a Masters, I dont have a CAREER per say. I work in Customer Service right now (and have for the past 10 years) and I likely could find something in the same field again if I wanted to. But again, ideally, in 5 years I'd like to find something different that could work with the kids' schedules.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

def. a personal choice.

you will have all the people who wish they could be SAHM say that you should stay home and all the working moms who have no desire to stay home say they wouldnt do it

that being said i would never be a SAHM (right now we couldnt afford this) and the are main reasons are is one I am to independent. i cant stand the thought of having to rely on someone else for money. and yay i know everyone will say its our money, you dont have to ask for it etc but its not the same. i like knowing if i have to get up and leave i know i at least have a job bringing in my own money that pays me. Two i personally dont think its fair to have one person be responsible to paying for all the bills. The stress that has to weigh on someone to have to responsibility has to be huge! God forbid they lose there job then what?

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

STAY HOME! The kids are only young for so long.
It goes by so fast. :(

You can always go back to work or find something PT, so for now enjoy the time in your new home and with your LOs.

Re: Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I'm on the side of if you can afford it financially, stay home. The kids are only young for so long.
I have been a SAHM for 4 years now. I'll be honest, I was miserable the first year or so. I still have my days. I'm happy I am able to stay home but I do get bored at times. I struggle with making "mom friends" so it does get lonely. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm lucky that in my field I can stay home for a few years and it won't affect me. So when my DD starts school i plan on going back. If I can't get a job in my field I will be looking for anything because I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once the kiddos are off to school full time.
Good luck in your decision!

Message edited 7/8/2016 3:32:03 PM.

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I decided to stay home when my dd was born. It was a hard adjustment at first but it was my choice and my DH supported my decision. I love that I am able to be home with my dd but we had to cut back on a lot of our frivolous spending--my DH makes a good salary but many of our home improvement project have been put on hold. For career reasons I am hoping to go back to work this fall/winter--it is going to be hard for me because I absolutely love being home with my daughter- over the past year I have had my dd enrolled in music class and gym class at the little gym- she needed the socialization--we also go to story time at the library and Barnes and noble--I adjusted much better than I anticipated to being at home full time. I miss working now but I did not for the first two years.

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

I would totally stay home. I wouldn't even blink of DHs salary covered all the bills. However, at this point in my career I am not making more than DH. I'd rather put my home projects on hold for a bit. That said, if you can live in your house and it's functional, eh it will take a few years to do those projects. Besides, like others have mentioned, you can always go back to work part time when your LO is in school, preschool even. I think it would be well worth it. I know your concerned about being social, I truly think that may come with time/ new territory, try joining a mommy and me or something and even if you don't meet people, the most important thing is the quality time doing things with your LO and being there for your sons sports and such. I think once you don't have to miss out on things with your DS like things at school, all the worries you had, won't even matter because you will be so happy you are there! Good luck with your decision!

Message edited 7/8/2016 5:33:11 PM.

Deciding whether to become a SAHM or continue working - opinions needed please (Long)

Hmm if you aren't passionate about your work and you think you're cut out to be a SAHM I'd probably do it in that situation. I feel like $1800 a month though nice, isn't exactly life changing in your situation. You could probably even find a part time job if you wanted to to make a few extra bucks each month. I guess you have to think long term to. Do you think you'll want to go back at some point, will your industry permit it, do you care? Would you be happy doing something else? God forbid something happened to your DH or your marriage could you pick up the pieces alone financially if you left the workforce at this point (not pleasant thoughts but I'm a hope for the best plan for the worst kinda gal).