Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I m/c at 12 1/2 weeks. Our baby had a rare condition called body stalk anomoly. We did a CVS prior to my m/c to find out if the issues were genetic. Thankfully, all 46 chromosomes came back normal so the MDs don't feel like future pregnancies will be an issue. When they called today to tell me the CVS test results were normal, they asked if I wanted to know the gender of the baby. I told them no. My initial thought was that knowing would make it harder. DH doesn't want to know for the same reason. But now I feel like there is a part of me that just wants to know. I can't put a reason why I do, but I think I do.

So my question to you girls is, if you were given the opportunity to find out the gender after you m/c, would you?

Message edited 5/13/2011 7:03:21 PM.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

first, i'm so incredibly sorry for what you've been through. i read your story on the pregnancy board when you posted.

i also lost a baby at 12 weeks. when we went for our NT scan we found out there was a gigantic cyst taking up the baby's abdomen and none of the organs had started to form. all the doctors we saw advised us to terminate the pregnancy b/c our LO had no chance of surviving full term. it was heart wrenching and one of the darkest times of my life.

after my d&c, they did testing and asked us if we wanted to know the gender. i did want to know. i can't explain why, i just knew it would ultimately help me and it has. we lost a son we even decided what his name would have been. somehow, it helped us move forward. in the end, you have to do what's best for you and you will know in your heart what that is.

if you ever want to talk, please FM me. i hope this helps. lots of prayers to you and your DH

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

when the doc said i had 69xxx...which is triploidy i already new bc x's are female and xys are male...so i said would it have been a girl...and he said yes.... so he didnt offer the gender but by telling me the dx i already figured it out.

i am glad i know now so i dont wonder..but i think there is no right or wrong! xoxo and hugs

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

Basically for the reason that you stated.... If I had made it to 12 weeks and there was a problem I would definitely want to know.... That's a big part of your life!!! There's nothing wrong with not finding out... That's just how I would feel!!!!

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I think I wouldn't want to know. I have tried to remain as seperated from my situation as possible. People still refer to my angel as my son, and I just don't feel comfortable remembering him like that. I have began to only refer to it as the baby and I just think that if I didn't know it would make my process easier. But that is just me.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I would have liked to know. just to know. but they didn't tell me and i didn't think to ask.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

If I was given the opportunity I would have liked to know.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I knew the gender of my first baby. Actually, we found out the gender at the very beginning of the appointment before we knew anything was wrong.

With my triplets, I will be asking what the gender is. The way I see it, the loss was devastating, but I don't think knowing the genders will make it any more sad. I just want to know out of curiosity.

Message edited 5/14/2011 12:32:46 PM.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

It really never dawned on me to find out the gender. At my follow up appt my doctor told me that there were no chromosomal abnormalities and that it was a boy. After he said that he realized he never asked if we wanted to know and felt really bad about it. DH was upset, mostly because his dad died a few months before I got PG. At first it didn't really bother me, but after that it made it more real.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I was only able to find out the last m/c - the first two I didn't know, but I was 12 weeks at the last one, it was a boy. My Dh knew it too, from the moment I got the BFP, he said I know this is my son. Ironically, a boys name was all we could agree upon too.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I did find out.

DH knew that the D&C would be able to test the gender.

He never asked me what the sex was.......so I never told him. I feel theres a reason why he doesnt want to know and thats perfectly fine with me.

But it was something that I wanted to know.......so I found out.

Message edited 5/16/2011 4:14:15 PM.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I had the testing and I should get my results soon. I want to find out. When i had the ultrasound where there was no heartbeat I was so in shock, I didn't even look at the screen and I know it seems silly but I wish I did. I acutally even wish I had one of the images.
So I will ask what the sex was, it will help me mourn my loss i think.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

My experience was different, as my first daughter, Sarah, was stillborn at 38w 3days. But, I thought I would still share...

I clearly remember laying in the hospital after we found out that there was no longer a heartbeat, saying how we both weren't sure if we wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl. It almost felt like if we didn't know the gender, it would be a little less "real" to me. We never said anything to anyone about this...after the delivery, my husband was taken out of the room while they stitched me up, and the baby's nurse came over and said "She's beautiful". That was when I found out that we had, and lost, a baby girl. For me, knowing that she was a girl made everything more real - in a good, and bad way. Reality came crashing down...But, knowing also helped me in my grieving process.

The people at the hospital also told me later that there are often times where people don't know the sex of the child they had lost, and months later come back asking if they have pictures or any information on the child. So, I'm sure that your doctor will keep all of your records and information - if you aren't ready to find out now, but think you might be later on, I'm sure you would still be able to.

My point is, I completely understand the questioning on if you want to know or not. It's really so much to try to process, and get through.

You will figure out what is best for you in time. Don't feel like you need to make a decision about this right now. I'm sure that you are still going through so many different emotions.

I'm so sorry for your loss...You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers...

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

My most recent loss was only at 6.5 weeks (which was the latest of my 4 losses), and I did not want to know. It was so early, and I thought it would just make it more difficult and more "real" for me.

Unfortunately, it didn't matter what I wanted, because today my obgyn gave me a copy of the genetic report to give to Dr. B. I guess I could have just not read it, as she told me the results, but I did, and saw that it was a girl. I spent a good part of the morning in my office crying, b/c I have always wanted a little girl so badly. I wish I didn't know.

You have to do whatever feels right for you. For some, I think knowing helps bring a little closure. In my case, it was reopening the wound. Everyone is different.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

We found out.

They said it was a normal girl. With that result it could have been my cells that contaminated the sample since the result was normal and female. So we got an answer which didn't really answer anything at all.

It was hard to hear because at the time we both always wanted a girl. I'm glad I found out though. I still can't be 100% sure that the result was accurate but for me finding out something was better than never knowing.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

After my second mc they told me. My 1st and 3rd I don't know.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

first, i am so sorry for your loss..

i had a 16 week loss and gave birth in the hospital..
and i asked them what it was and they wouldn't tell me.. this was 3 years ago, and to this day i still wanted to know if it was a boy or girl..
i even got all my hospital records from that day and it doesn't say . i was so crushed and felt really sad.

i always wondered if i had a baby girl angel or baby boy angel

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

Thank you all so much for your responses. Its funny that the poll results are as torn as I still feel. To date, I still haven't found out. My ob/gyn has the results as well and all the MDs assured me that the results would always be available to me if/when I ever decided to find out. DH is 100% against finding out. He supports whatever decision I make - although he can't understand why I would want to "put myself thru that". I understands his point and he understands mine. At this point, until I know for sure if I want to know one way or another, I'm not finding out. Once I know, I'll know forever - obviously. I won't ever be able to not know and I'm not sure if I'm ready to know. Thank you all so much again for sharing your experiences with me. Much love to all of you!

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I am currently having my first chemical pregnancy and I wish there was a way to find out the gender (and also why exactly this is happening). I think it is in part curiosity and mostly for the closure I believe it would bring me. Knowing more about what the baby is/would have been would help me to let go I think.

Re: Did you or would you find out the gender after?

I wanted to find out but the testing after my D&C was inconclusive...I guess the cells didn't grow in the lab, I think because it was already 4 weeks since the baby had stopped developing. I was disappointed at first but sometimes I think it might be easier for me this way.