Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Sorry for the downer topic--but its been a rough few days as my sister's Aunt (we have same dad different moms--her mom's sister), passed away from a very painful battle with pancreatic cancer...and we had the funeral yesterday. Such an unfair disease--from diagnosis to her passing--exactly 3 mos. to the day.

Well in the week before her death--her 3 daughters were fighting like cats and dogs. Their mother was single, and had established all 3 of them as her health care proxies--however the 3 of them couldn't agree on things. They were all scared and upset that she was getting worse, so that exhibited itself in their arguing and bickering about what should be done for her....should she go into hospice....be brought to one of their homes to die in peace....should there be a DNR...etc. It was terrible--and in the end she did pass and they all felt horrible that their last days with her were filled with conflict.

So it got me thinking---how many of us have discussed our parents final wishes and medical treatment and such? Obviously if both parents are alive--the other parent will have final say....but I'm sure they would come to the family for counsel and opinions....have you discussed this at all with them or your siblings? Asked them to make a living will? Or is it a topic that no one wants to touch with a 10 foot pole?

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Yes, my parents have a living will with their final wishes and they made me executor. Its not something I want to think about but its something that needs to be done.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Unfortunately, we have discussed this at length.

Within 5 years we buried my grandmother, father, grandmother, grandfathers- in that order. We sat shiva so much we have our own set of shiva chairs.

So yes, we discussed it. We have even discussed my mom's long term care, should she ever need any. We have also discussed our inheritances (everything is even).

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

I am so sorry for your loss- I have a close family friend that we are about to lose to the same cancer

he went home to pass yesterday - so I am waiting for the call- and sick to my stomach over it

but anyway

I watched what my Dad went thru when my Mom was sick- so of course the topic has come up

I know my Dad doesn't want to be on life support or "kept" alive in anyway

I think he has something in writing- but I will ask him again

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

My parents are so ill prepared. They do not believe in living wills, ANY wills actually or life insurance.

If we ask them seriously what their wishes are they laugh and ask why we are trying to kill them.

I don't even know what we do. I am still holding on to the hope that they live forever.

ETA: we dont even know where the bank accounts are, safety deposit boxes, land in Italy etc. nothing.

Message edited 10/15/2008 10:54:51 AM.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

My parents have health care proxies and living wills already. We have discussed it at length. Since my brother was near death's door last year we all took ourselves in hand.

I am the executrix of their will and my mother and I will make decisions about dad and dad and I will make decisions about mom.

It's a heartbreak either way though. I'm so sorry about your aunt. Pancreatic cancer is one of the cruelest cancers..

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

We've discussed it. I don't know if there is a health care proxy in place, but I have no doubt there would be a huge argument as one of my sisters does not believe in western medicine at all.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

I am going through this right now with my Grandmother. She has a Living Will and Healthcare Proxy. My father is the Executor, but he has been having a hard time dealing with everything so I have taken on the role. She was always clear about what she wanted, which is what I am giving her. It sickens me to constantly sit by the phone waiting for the call that she's passed, but I know it's what she wants.

My father, on the other hand, doesn't have any documents, nor does he want to talk about it. Once my Grandmother passes and we've had some time to deal, I am going to push him to create his own documents so the decisions will be easy for me.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

We need to get this resolved, as my Grandmother's passing has taught me to not leave anything to chance Even for myself, I want my final wishes outlined. I don't want to leave the mess behind that my Grandmother did (no updated info, titles, wills, etc.).

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

We know what my parents want and they have a living will so everything is in writing - My sister and I will not have any decidions to make or anything to argue about -

I am SO grateful to them for doing this !!

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

my dad has already passed, but as for my mom, all I know is that she wants to be cremated, I don't know about life support & such, as morbid a topic as it is, my sister & I should discuss this w/ her, you never know what could happen, and we might as well be prepared.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

no I don't. but I am the oldest, and the decisions will probably be mine to make. my siblings pretty much always defer to me.

my parents don't have much in terms of property or any thing really, so dividing up their "estate" will not be that hard.

they are divorced, so neither would have a say in what happens to the other.

as far as I know, I am the sole beneficiary listed on my moms life insurance, so those decisions would also be left up to me. no one in my family has any doubt that I would take care of my siblings equally and fairly.

my father, to my knowlege, does not have life insurance.

ETA: both of my parents want to be cremated. I am not sure if they have any DNR requirements.

Message edited 10/15/2008 11:05:05 AM.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Yes, they have expressed their medical wishes, what the will says, but they haven't said who the executor of the will is. In the past it was my Uncle, but they said they have to update it now.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

I am my mother's Health Care Proxy - We have discussed her wishes many times.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

No we haven't discussed it unfortunately. I need to speak to my dad but it's a hard topic to broach. He has a live-in girlfriend for the last couple of years and I really don't think that she should be the one making medical or financial decisions regarding my father. She has also failed to inform me a few times my father was rushed to the ER for a possible heart attack I've just been putting it off because I don't know how to tell him and talk to him about it. Ugh.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

I am sorry for your loss and will keep your family in my prayers.

Unfortuneately this is something that I have already haave had to deal with. When my mom passed I was in high school and had no real say in her care. When my dad passed both my sister and I knew his wishes, but because he did not have a living will we could not remove him from life support with out going to court. I can not begin to stress the importance of having both a health care proxy and a living will.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

I am sorry for your loss.

Both of my parents are recently deceased. My parents came from a generation that did not discuss their wishes. My parents did not have DNR's. I wish they did. My father suffered a horrible and painful death in a hospital setting for over 9 months straight. He lived a good life and deserved dignity. My parents were married close to 50 years and my mother, his healthcare proxy, could not bring herself to say "good-bye" thus no DNR.

We understood and do not blame her, but we swore we would not allow her to suffer in the same way when it was her time. It took a very dire circumstance to finally have Mom allow it and he lived 3 months longer though with very little quality of life - smack in the middle of the Terry Schiavo fiasco.

Mom did not have a DNR either, however, she made the choice on her own. She passed away rather quickly and I pray to G-d painlessly.

I swore to G-d that I would not allow my husband or my children the pain of making this choice. I will make it for them and I will have it be as legal as humanly possible. There is no way in hell I would allow them to watch me suffer nor do I want to suffer the way Dad did. He was NOT going to get better.

Message edited 10/15/2008 12:47:39 PM.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

I have already lost both of my parents. But when my mom was in the hospital the doctor kept asking us about filling out a DNR. It was so hard to deal with and my mom did not want to talk about it. In hind site a DNR was probably what we should have done.
I cant stress the importance of Health Care proxies and living wills enough. I am a nurse and we see situations like this all the time. People can ill out a proxy during any hospital admission and it good for life unless you make changes to it.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

yes. my parents both have a living will. as do i. we are all very clear with what we want.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Message edited 11/22/2011 5:27:41 PM.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

yes.. it has all been discussed.
as hard of a conversation as it is, it is SO IMPORTANT. everyone should have these talks. making decisions in the moment/after the fact has torn families apart.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

I need to ask my parents. I know they have a will, but none of us know offhand where it is or what's in it, and I feel it's important in case of emergency that we be familiar with their wishes. But I'm hesitant to bring it up, for fear of being a morbid downer to the conversation. I'll have to suck it up and ask.

Re: Do you know what your parents' final wishes are concerning medical treatment?

Not sure of my dad's, but my mom told us if there's no hope to take her off life support.