Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

My 3rd grader is very bright. I have high expectations - but I need to know how to keep those expectations in check so I don't have him become like me. It's a struggle.

Let me try to explain.

I had fabulous parents - absolutely WONDERFUL and supportive. But because of a variety of things I somehow got tagged as 'the smart one'. I was in GATE and AP - and did well - but whenever I would get anything less than a 100% my dad would ask "What went wrong here?" - as though a 98% was something bad. I had this idea that anything less than perfect wasn't good enough. It led to a lot of self sabotaging behavior later in life. I don't blame my dad - his intent was never to be cruel or to push me too hard. He just really believed that I could do anything academically and when I didn't deliver consistantly - he'd say something about it.

So - as I mentioned - Robbie is very bright. A lot of the work that they are giving him is stuff that we have already done and studied. All this work should be a cakewalk for him. And generally speaking - it is.

Two weeks ago he brought home his first spelling test. He got 19/20 correct. The word he got wrong was "friend" - an easy word that he knows. He had reversed the e and the i. I asked him if he'd forgotten the correct spelling and he admitted he was just not paying attention when he took the test. I signed the test and life went on. When he came home last week he had his usual perfect score. I was amazed at how .. I don't know what - relieved maybe.. that I was. I gave him a treat for the perfect score.

I realized then that I hadn't given him a treat - or even a congratulations on his previous test. It was - after all - close to perfect. And Robbie is one of the only kids in his class who is actually responsible for 20 words (other kids get 8, 10 or 15 words). I felt terrible but figured I couldn't go back and re-do it - and thought I would just be better going forward.

Last night we were doing a review packet because he has a math test and spelling test today. One of the questions on the math packet was a puzzle thing - like a crossword almost. They filled in 2 numbers and the child has to fill in the rest to represent a pattern. Robbie's pattern was counting by 10's vertically and by 1's horizontally. He got it all correct except on one box he left off one of the numbers (instead of 419, 409, 399 - he wrote 419, 409, 99). He knew the answer - but wrote it without the hundreds place. Everything else - maybe 25 or so questions - was perfect. I called him up and heard myself say "Robbie.. this is just laziness.. now re-do the question."

It took me a minute - and seeing Robbie's crestfallen face - to realize that I'd done it again. I had taken an ALMOST PERFECT assignment and managed to make it about the single wrong answer instead of making it about the 99% correct answers.

I immediately softened and apologized and re-grouped and told him that he'd done a fantastic job and that I was just tired and cranky. I pointed out that I KNEW he knew the answer and it wasn't really 'wrong' but that he should just be a little more careful when writing things down because sometimes the brain is quicker than the hands. So he smiled and we joked and all was better.

But I still feel terrible. And I am just so ANGRY with myself that AGAIN my first instinct was to focus on the negative. It isn't like this with ANY other area. In sports we always focus on what he does well - in music, art, conversation, socialization,etc... but with academics I just hit this BLOCK.

So.. how can I re-train myself here? I don't want to give him the idea that anything less than 100 is bad. Because it isn't! But I need to learn to pull back when I see these things BEFORE I react - instead of doing damage control after the fact.

I mean - I am sitting here thinking that if he comes home on Monday with a unit test that is less than a 100, then I'll remember to congratulate him on the things he did RIGHT. But I am terrified that maybe I'll forget in that split second - like I did last night.

Anyone have any ideas for me to 'remember' the right reaction?

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

First it is really great that you are recognizing the issue. Perhaps you could do what they say when people are angry do, count to 3 silently and then respond. I would say something like you did.

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

first of all you are NOT an ogre. you know this. and the fact that you are able to acknowledge your "mistake" and correct it shows you're already doing the right thing.

i think that the PP had a great suggestion - you need to give yourself time before you respond to Robbie or address any mistakes he made. think in your head, or say it out loud, "positive BEFORE negative."

it's totally fine to correct his mistakes! any good parent would. but by focusing on the postive first, you are addressing the main issue, which is that you know he is smart and want to acknowledge that before you offer any criticism, constructive or otherwise.

my parents and granparents were the same way - i always got very, very good grades, so if i got a 96 on a test they would ask "who got the other 4 points?"

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

You're doing fine. You are being sensitive to his feelings. It's fine to let him know that he sometimes scores better than he does at other times.

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

I think what I'm hearing is that your are struggling to decide what is your highest priority - academic excellence or a perception of unconditional approval. While wait and think before you talk is good, I think it is most important that you come to terms with the fact that you can't have it both ways.

Before you kick yourself too much, what you are doing is a time test successful approach to turn a gifted child into an academic superstar. It just comes at a cost.

Being nicer will likely yield lower performance. For me, who was also raised by a "what did you do wrong to miss that one answer" parent, I'll take the lower performance.

What do you want most for him and his future?

I think if you can come to peace with the answer to this question, you won't feel so torn when you talk.

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

My (and my parent's) theory is as long as you do your best. If your best is 100, then you should try to be more careful if you skip a question. I see nothing wrong with pointing it out.

I never got the raves my sister did over grades. Why? Because my scoring 100, 98, whatever was expected. It came easily to me. She struggled, studied & would get a 78. Now I realize that it's not about the grade. It's about the hard work.

But you're not anywhere near an ogre. Anyone who admits making a mistake is far from it. Also not to worry. I'm screwing up my kids too.

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

Message edited 11/29/2011 3:21:38 PM.

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

omg i couldve written this post myself..my son is in Orion (a gifted program) at 11 years old (next week) he has an IQ of over 130..hes RIDICULOUSLY smart, but VERY lazy lately..(in the last year or so)
He has gotten 4 100's and 2 105's (the bonus answer) so far on his tests/quizzes..
he came home with an 89 yesterday on social studies..
i was FURIOUS..no one can understand why..to be honest with you..since i was also gifted, and do remember the "whered the other point go" question VERY WELL..i ALSO without pushing him TOO hard, want him to see that anything under 90 FOR HIM, is just unacceptable to me..it means he was lazy, or not paying attention or didnt study well enough..since i KNOW that he is capable of AT LEAST a 90..i feel like this is a fair rule in my house..
his friends moms think im the devil..they think its unreasonable, and unfair for me to expect that of him..
what upsets me, is that i yelled at him before i even looked at the work and the test..
after looking at it, i am firm in my belief that he was VERY sloppy and shouldve done much better..but im sure i handled it wrong..and my dh did too..

we expect alot out of him..and i too have a very hard time determining whether or not i should just "cut him some slack" and like a PP pointed out, maybe his grades will slide alil..or push him the way ive always done..because i feel like he needs to remember what he can accomplish.

im with you. Ive been feeling terrible about this lately..
sorry to hijack, but i did need to vent this also

Message edited 10/2/2009 5:07:54 PM.

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

In retrospect, I wished I had been pushed a drop more. I was always the 89 student. As the youngest of four, Mom (because Dad was working) was the one who checked the grades/school work.

HOWEVER, as a teacher of children with special needs who deals with children having self-esteem issues (not always academically behind), we are taught to carefully select words to show a child where they need to make improvements.

For example:

"Look how many you've done correctly! Let's see how we can make THIS one look like THAT one."

as opposed to:

"Look what you did wrong."

I agree with some of the other PPs. Sometimes we all need to take a step back and simply stop before we speak to kids. We are all human. It also never hurts to be humbled and apologize when we make mistakes too.

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

Honestly I don't think you are going to need any trick to remember - your feelings alone right now will no doubt stick with you. I don't think you are an ogre, however much you *feel* like one. I've read your posts and I know that you are a thoughtful & caring parent. Perhaps your Dad felt he was motivating you by expecting more but was not able to see how it affected you. That's where you are already different as you can see how it made your DS feel. I think you're doing fine...it's not easy to find the happy-medium, esp as they get older. I also struggle...how do you "motivate" so they can "live up to their potential" without making them want to do the opposite? I'm like you in that I also rebelled against my family role ("the good one") and I paid for it many times over. Sometimes all you need to do as a parent is to get up the next morning and start all over again with a little more knowledge than the day before. Don't be so hard on yourself

Re: Feeling Like An Ogre Mom. (VERY LONG)

I think it's great that you are looking for your kids to excel. You are involved. A lot of parents are not.

Now, you recognized a "pattern". Good for you again! Do you know how many parents would never a step back to recognize what was going on?

Don't beat yourself up. Just try to find ways to channel this need of perfection!