Re: For Those

Posted by KeithHernandez



maybe they just didn't like you in general, who knows...

Re: For Those

Posted by KeithHernandez

Hmmm. I understand your point and totally agree with you BUT... when comments are made such as:

"why would I want to have children and lose my identity" you have to understand it's kind of a blanket statement against a population of people on this site in general. So why CAN'T they reply?

do you really think that ALL parents lose their identity? B/c if so... I'm here to inform you that, it's not the case... at least for ME it isn't.

I understand the point of this board and will respect your opinions... A lot of comments made me but I'm being objective and understanding that they ARE your feelings.

Message edited 3/10/2009 2:03:43 PM.

Re: For Those

Posted by Lisa

Posted by KeithHernandez



maybe they just didn't like you in general, who knows...

maybe but either way it hurts, because I know that I try and help a lot of people in this board....

Re: For Those

Posted by Christine

Posted by KeithHernandez

Hmmm. I understand your point and totally agree with you BUT... when comments are made such as:

"why would I want to have children and lose my identity" you have to understand it's kind of a blanket statement against a population of people on this site in general. So why CAN'T they reply?

do you really think that ALL parents lose their identity? B/c if so... I'm here to inform you that, it's not the case... at least for ME it isn't.

I understand the point of this board and will respect your opinions... A lot of comments made me but I'm being objective and understanding that they ARE your feelings.

On the flip side, there's a thread where we discussed some of the hurtful things said to us about not having children - such as "you must not love your husband" and "you don't know what it's like to love if you don't have children."

These are also cruel blanket statements people make and this forum was created so that people in a childless situation can discuss things like PLUS to bond and gtg and share bulk groceries (lol).

I don't think two wrongs make a right but no one here is saying anything to intentionally hurt anyone. If a parent feels that some of our reasons for not wanting children is directed at them personally, then that's an issue they need to deal with just like we are dealing with ours.

Re: For Those

I'm not a parent so I don't go to the parenting board. If I do and get offended, that's my own problem bc the board is not geared at where I am right now. If you're not childless, and choose to come here, you're not going to be in the same place as the other posters so u may get offended.

Re: For Those

Re: For Those

Posted by KeithHernandez

Posted by baghag


But it was from one poster that definitely does not represent all of our opinions. So please don't take it out on the rest of us.

No worries, I don't... I'd be pretty ignorant if I did...

Re: For Those

Posted by greenfreak

Posted by KeithHernandez

Posted by baghag


But it was from one poster that definitely does not represent all of our opinions. So please don't take it out on the rest of us.

No worries, I don't... I'd be pretty ignorant if I did...

Thank you, I agree.

I really really really REALLY hope that this board doesn't start going down in flames because of sharp words or misunderstandings.

We really need to avoid a board-versus-board mentality because it's just stupid and unnecessary. YES this should be a safe haven for the childless but let's not further the animosity we feel when people judge us, by sounding like we're doing the same thing to others.

We all have vents and frustrations, we can put them out there in a less abrasive way to avoid drama and pulled threads.

I hope this board doesn't get ruined for the rest of us by any of this.

Re: For Those

Posted by greenfreak
I hope this board doesn't get ruined for the rest of us by any of this.

Re: For Those

This thread is doing just fine without my POV, but I feel compelled to add it anyway.

Maybe it's because I don't have children that I didn't get offended by Ophelia's post, but I thought it was pretty clear that she was addressing her own feelings/thoughts/fears, and not making a blanket statement about the facts of what will happen to all women everywhere.

I don't think anyone should have taken it personally, particularly those for whom this board AND this post were not intended.

And I think the turn this all has taken illustrates exactly why there is a need for this board in the first place.

Re: For Those

Posted by greenfreak

I really really really REALLY hope that this board doesn't start going down in flames because of sharp words or misunderstandings.

We really need to avoid a board-versus-board mentality because it's just stupid and unnecessary. YES this should be a safe haven for the childless but let's not further the animosity we feel when people judge us, by sounding like we're doing the same thing to others.

We all have vents and frustrations, we can put them out there in a less abrasive way to avoid drama and pulled threads.

I hope this board doesn't get ruined for the rest of us by any of this.

Re: For Those

Wow... it's amazing how quickly the drama brewed!

I just have to say, as a parent myself, one who struggled for years to conceive #2, I'm not in the least bit offended by any of the comments on here, particularly Ophelia's.

To be totally honest, those were all the same fears I had prior to getting pregnant. I always felt I didn't have that maternal gene because the idea of pregnancy never sat well with me - I feared what it would do to my body, I feared what it would to my life, my career, my identity, and to my relationship with my DH.

I didn't take her post as a bash against women who have had children, but more of an honest post laying out her deepest fears about pregnancy and motherhood, that I'm sure many mothers have faced. At least, I know I did. And I only wish that people were more honest with these fears and talked about them, rather than glorify pregnancy and motherhood, and glib it over as something entirely different than what it is.

From my own experience, yup, pregnancy was hard. I was sick as a dog my first pregnancy and gained a ridiculous amount of weight. My body morphed into something I didn't recognize. This pregnancy I had to go through unimaginable tortures with doctor visits, needles, ultrasounds and panicking every morning when I see blood in my undies. It's not all that glorious, and I'll say this too, my first year as a mother was TREMENDOUSLY difficult, trying to find that balance between holding onto a piece of myself, while adapting to a whole new life.

But, to all those who fear these things, I want to tell you that your fears are normal and natural, and speaking as a woman who experienced all those things, and who can be honest about how difficult pregnancy and motherhood can be, I can also say, without a doubt, that the struggles I endured to become the mother of the fiesty, spirited, crazy smart little monkey I adore were COMPLETELY worth it. And with a little time, and a little effort, I regained myself, found a completely new, unimaginable love in my DH and my child, and found a new comfort zone for myself and my identity that I wouldn't give up for the world.

Re: For Those

Posted by skinny

I'm not a parent so I don't go to the parenting board. If I do and get offended, that's my own problem bc the board is not geared at where I am right now. If you're not childless, and choose to come here, you're not going to be in the same place as the other posters so u may get offended.

Re: For Those

I cannot believe all this drama I will be the first to say that Ophelia can certainly rub people the wrong way. Sometimes i think she's over the top and borders on rude, however, I honestly didnt see anything wrong with her post. She was commenting on HERSELF and HER FEELINGS....isnt that what this board is for? Instead of bashing her for feeling the way she does, maybe someone that was "offended" should share YOUR experiences and try to allay her fears. I think everyone who is pregnant or is considering having a baby has fears about how their body is going to change and how their relationship with their DH will be affected. I think it would have been a lot more constructive, no?

Re: For Those

WOW...I guess I can't say I'm surprised this happened already.
It's a shame this post became more about a few people being offened, than the original post itself.

I usually don't get caught up in the drama replys because it will just keep them going. I prefer to ignore them and stick to the original question or comments from the origianl poster.

No sense feeding the fire.

Re: For Those

Message edited 3/11/2009 7:29:18 AM.

Re: For Those

Re: For Those

I have to say - I noticed that some of the people who were most offended by this post had no problems being less than welcoming to a new poster over on the Parenting Board...

Re: For Those

Re: For Those

Posted by anonttcer

Posted by mrswask

I have to say - I noticed that some of the people who were most offended by this post had no problems being less than welcoming to a new poster over on the Parenting Board...

Good observation. Now I want to go look!!

Message edited 3/11/2009 7:29:45 PM.

Re: For Those

Wow.........I can't believe this. I mean I can but really I can't. I don't have kids and maybe we never will. Yes we're trying but still I can't predict the future. I SHARE Ophelia's thoughts, and I DO want kids. How do you think that makes ME feel. Yes I post on TTC because hey we are, and every now and then on pg since we were, but do you realy think that I could post this there and not get flamed into the ground? This is a place where I CAN express my feelings and not get flamed. I guess what i'm saying is I don't go on diet and exercise and post a chocolate cake recipe that has more calories the 5 big mac's...that's just rude. So please don't come on here and explain to people that don't children that they are wrong for how they feel.

Re: For Those

As a mother I think this board is a good outlet for those who want to discuss their decision not to have children. Whatever the reason is no one should come on here and make anyone justify why they aren't having children!

Re: For Those

I was married for nearly 5 years before getting PG, and I think everyone has the same fears about pregnancy! I had finally gotten to an ideal weight and was a perfect size and looking (I think!) as good as I did when I married at 26, and yeah, my belly is now huge, my skin is awful, it's difficult to move, and I sure don't feel at all attractive. More like a hippo. There are other disgusting things I won't mention, but if any of you want to be convinced not to get PG, I'll go into detail!

I didn't throw up, or have a bad pregnancy, but I have not enjoyed one minute of it. It's awful, and like there is a parasite inside of you stealing all of your energy. I pee 50 times a day. My body is no longer my own. Since week 18 I am getting kicked constantly from inside my belly. On the bright side, I am not eating for two, and after spending years worrying about gaining tons of weight, am entering the 3rd tri while still weighing in the 120s. It's possible so long as you keep yourself in check and don't take it as a time to eat everything in sight. In the end, we decided having a child was worth all of that, but I won't sugarcoat it, the 9 mos. of pregnancy are awful.

I really do worry about losing my identity, and not being able to successfully balance my career, my friends, and being a wife and mother. I still want to see my friends without my child and not be someone who cannot go anywhere without the child. We'll see how/if that works out.

My point is, all those fears are completely natural. And some of them, true.

Re: For Those

Re: For Those