Hard time around the Holidays?

I recently had a miscarriage and D&C. I posted on LIW but am here now looking for some much needed support.

I am having a hard time this week and I think it is mostly due to timing. I would have been 12 weeks and I planned on telling the world for Christmas. I thought I was doing okay but everytime I think about what happened I get so angry.

Will I ever stop counting the days and thinking of the milestones I am missing? I feel like I am starting to lose it this week.

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

im with you on that one... my cousin will be 18 weeks on Christmas, i would have been 15 weeks...

i was supposed to see her on Thanksgiving... I had a legitimate excuse because my car wasnt drivable but i was secretly reileved that i wasnt going...

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

I am in the same exact position... had a D&C almost 2 weeks ago and would be just about 12 weeks around xmas... can't even stand to be in the malls with all the little babies in strollers, breaks my heart

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

Posted by citywife

I am in the same exact position... had a D&C almost 2 weeks ago and would be just about 12 weeks around xmas... can't even stand to be in the malls with all the little babies in strollers, breaks my heart

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

sadly, as one of the "old timers" of this board, i can tell you that it does get easier. the pain will never go away completely but it does ease. our first loss was in sept 09 and that last holiday season was pure torture for us. but now, even though we had 2 more losses this year, it is still easier. maybe we are "used" to the pain or maybe we just have a different perspective, but this season seems more joyous than last. you definitely have a ton of support here and you will get through it!

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

I can relate completely.

I was supposed to be 36wks today.

Instead... I'm back at the RE trying in my 3rd cycle post-loss and since I am willing to do just about anything to get pregnant at this point, I also just started acupuncture.

The holidays and milestones are the worst. Up until a few months ago, I thought I'd be holding a baby in just 4wks. I thought I'd spend this new yerars large and pregnant. Instead, I'm just waiting for time to pass till I'm pregnant again.

I don't think it will ever get easier until I'm pregnant.

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

This is a tough time of year for Dh and I as well, I would have been due in about 1+ month, it breaks my heart and I start to tear up every time I think about it, i sucks to be honest!

I am trying to be happy, enjoy the holidays, be thankful for everything I have but I just know it would have been different if I didnt miscarry.

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

i can sympathize- we were planning on sharing the news with our families as well this Christmas. it really changes how you were anticipating the season to be, and now it's so completely different

at least we can have a toast this year

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

how was everyone's holiday?

i cried on christmas eve and christmas day but it wasn't quite as bad as i thought it would be.

my grandmother knew about the miscarriage but christmas eve was the first time i saw her since and she gave me the best hug and lots of encouraging words. i couldn't believe how good it felt to hug her. of course we all teared up but it felt good to get it out. and i realized that grandma hugs are still awesome even as an adult.

christmas day was a little more rocky but i drank and got through it

my husband and i didn't really exchange gifts this year due to the circumstances but he bought me a nice necklace to wear to remember the baby. i mentioned to him that i wanted something i could touch that would remind me of the baby. it's a sterling silver bean necklace. we called the baby "bean" since that is what it looked like in the first sonogram pictures we got. i love the necklace. i feel like i can wear it until i am ready to let it go and even then i will always have it as a keepsake.

i hope everyone else did ok too

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

I dont know whats wrong with me...I just kinda detached from the whole experience. Not sure if its good or bad. I just feel like I want to move fwd and get pregnant ASAP. To know that DH and I were helpless and didnt do anything wrong is reassuring. Though the aftermath of the actual loss was more then I expected. i am going back for repeat bloodwork from "9" beta so hopefull by this Thurs it will be "0". I am sure we will all be on the other side one day soon.

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

Posted by PrincessP

I dont know whats wrong with me...I just kinda detached from the whole experience. Not sure if its good or bad. I just feel like I want to move fwd and get pregnant ASAP. To know that DH and I were helpless and didnt do anything wrong is reassuring. Though the aftermath of the actual loss was more then I expected. i am going back for repeat bloodwork from "9" beta so hopefull by this Thurs it will be "0". I am sure we will all be on the other side one day soon.

Message edited 12/27/2010 4:56:43 PM.

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

Posted by BigSmooch

Posted by PrincessP

I dont know whats wrong with me...I just kinda detached from the whole experience. Not sure if its good or bad. I just feel like I want to move fwd and get pregnant ASAP. To know that DH and I were helpless and didnt do anything wrong is reassuring. Though the aftermath of the actual loss was more then I expected. i am going back for repeat bloodwork from "9" beta so hopefull by this Thurs it will be "0". I am sure we will all be on the other side one day soon.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I am trying to detach myself as well. I am trying to focus on other things and not even think about pregnancy or babies - but it's hard.

I think it helps that you have a daughter. Not that it makes the loss any less sad for you (I am not saying that at all) but you know you are capable of having a healthy child. You've been pregnant and you made it through the 9 months before. You know that this was just a fluke that you had no control over it.

For me, this was my first. Now I have hundreds of fears. Most are probably irrational, but now I find myself worrying if I will ever be able to bear a child at all. Somehow those fears just add on to the sadness. It's like I put all my stock in something and now that it's gone I feel like I have nothing.

I'm anxiously awaiting results. I am scared for the answers, scared we won't get an answer at all and scared to hear the answer if there is one. I can't make up my mind about how I feel about it.


I think I am doing okay though. I thought I'd be much worse. It is getting better little by little. I just want the results to come in, I want to speak to a genetics person and find out everything I need to know so I can RELAX for a little bit and then go into trying again with a clear head. The waiting is good (because I feel like I need this time) but it's also stressful b/c it feels like I am in limbo.

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

Posted by BigSmooch

how was everyone's holiday?

i cried on christmas eve and christmas day but it wasn't quite as bad as i thought it would be.

my grandmother knew about the miscarriage but christmas eve was the first time i saw her since and she gave me the best hug and lots of encouraging words. i couldn't believe how good it felt to hug her. of course we all teared up but it felt good to get it out. and i realized that grandma hugs are still awesome even as an adult.

christmas day was a little more rocky but i drank and got through it

my husband and i didn't really exchange gifts this year due to the circumstances but he bought me a nice necklace to wear to remember the baby. i mentioned to him that i wanted something i could touch that would remind me of the baby. it's a sterling silver bean necklace. we called the baby "bean" since that is what it looked like in the first sonogram pictures we got. i love the necklace. i feel like i can wear it until i am ready to let it go and even then i will always have it as a keepsake.

i hope everyone else did ok too

Re: Hard time around the Holidays?

Posted by PrincessP

I just wanted to tell you 99.9 percent of the people that told me after I revealed about my MC that their 1st was the one they actually miscarried. I get the uncertainty of what you want to find out re: the pregnancy but I think to know is better then always leaving it a mystery. Maybe thats just my own feeling bc I am sure there are other thoughts on that. And you are right about the 1st one being easy...DD was nothing but easy, really. But my dreams were just given up about ever feeling secure in a pregnancy ever again. I look back and think about how I NEVER thought about "these" things, never. Even when I saw a little brown blood, I thought "LIF rule, brown bood is old blood"...I dont know if I could ever read that again. Brown blood happened 1x and it was a HUGE problem. I think it really SUX that we all cant enjoy the next pregnancy even if it is smooth sailing. After reading through tons of MC stories on here and seeing where the person is a yr from then, it is more convincing that we will all be together on the pregnancy board soon enough. i just know it.