Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning

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Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....

Every year my parents have July 4th at their house. They invite their friends. I go with my family, my stepsister with hers. This year we also invited 2 other families with their babies (Thia/Thiadora on here, and Bernadette/artjunkie on here) since we have been friends since Bradley class and the babies are all the same age.

My parents also have a pool. My younger stepdaughter and my stepsister's daughter are the same age (11, going into 6th grade) and live in the same town, so they get along. So, I was with my stepdaughter, her boyfriend, and the 2 families I invited, DH, and Cailen hanging out by the pool. The kids were eating, swimming, we were all chatting and having a great time.

Cailen wanted to wander around, so I walked around with him (my parents have a lot of property). As I'm walking, I see my niece (my stepdaughter's daughter - we will call her Michelle) wrapped in a towel and looking extremely upset. My stepsister (lets call her Beth) asked her whats wrong, and she sad she wanted to talk privately with grandma (my stepmom). I know Michelle gets upset very easily - she is a moody little girl, and I figured that maybe she got in a little spat with her brother or my stepdaughter.

Then after they are done talking, my stemom motions me over. I'm like, uh oh, she must have had some issue with Devin (my stepdaughter.)

My stepmom says, "when Michelle was in the pool, she heard you tell everybody that she was fat, and now she is very upset!!!!"

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This SHOCKED me for several reasons. First of all, my stepmom and stepsister called me fat my whole life, which was traumatic for me. It took until my late 20's to even accept myself, so I am very, very VERY sensitive about that. Michelle happens to be overweight, and Devin, my stepdaughter happens to already have a very lean, thin body, so she must already have been self conscious. Whenever my stepmom talks about Michelle being overweight, I tell her to lay off because I don't want her having those same issues. Her parents are always yelling at her (when we went to Disney when she was 5 or 6, and she was having one of her moods, my BIL told her to stop being such a "b*tch!!!!) so this child already is going through a lot.

I went over to Michelle, and asked her whats wrong, what happened. I was already very upset.

Michelle all of a sudden has a complete meltdown. She starts wringing her pony tail, twisting it, and telling me that I am mean to her, that I have always been mean to her (she rarely ever talks to me because of her shyness and her moods) She told me 2-3 years ago, I told her to "move" whens he was in my way, and one time I brought her to a friend's house to play with a little boy and I told her to clean up the toys because she made a mess.... things like that - really weird, irrational type things.

I was shocked, and very, very disturbed by her behavior. She looked like the way someone with mental illness looks. Shut off, babbling, hysterical crying.... rambling. We were alone. Then she told me that she is "afraid of being brave." Which made no sense to me. When I asked her where all this is coming from, she said "From her heart." I had my arm around her and I was talking to her, about all the problems I had when I was growing up, and how I understood what its like to be sad and needing someone to talk to. She still looked afraid of me, and I asked her if I scared her. She said yes - "because you are so tough and I'm so weak!"

These things really upset me to see. I told her that I would never call anyone fat because grandma used to call me fat my whole life, and I told her its very hard to be a part of this family. she nodded. I told her that is why I got so tough but it has nothing to do with her.

I tried talking to my stepsister, but she didn't want to talk to me, she wanted to talk to Michelle first.

After, I went to my stepsister, who has a lot of anxiety, personality issues, etc, and I sad I was very concerned by all the things she said, and I think she may need help. Understandably, she exploded on me ( I know no one wants to hear stuff like this about their child, but this was really bad - like suicidal type stuff - didn't say that though. )

She said its my fault because of what I said, I made her cry, and Michelle told her the following, "I called you fat because people called me fat, and when you grow up, thats what you do to other people!!!"

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She started yelling at me, "Oh yeah - your the PERFECT mother. Your the perfect mother!"

I said, "Do you really want to have all this drama in front of everyone???" Because this was in front of all my parent's friends. Then, I got low and said she was f*cking crazy.

I was so upset with all of this, of seeing this child so delusional, having her mother blame me for it, and yelling at me like that.

So, this is how it was left. My dad played Mr. Clueless. I'm sure my stepmom is siding with her daughter and granddaughter. How could they think I would say something like this? I know I cannot help my niece, but this was very upsetting.

now I don't know what future family events are going to be like. This really disturbed, as well as disgusted me. I can't shake what she looked like, what she was saying, and how she was behaving. My older niece and nephew (my other stepsister's daughter and son - she died of cancer 7 yrs ago) both have severe psychological problems and were institutionalized so I know it runs in the family. My stepmom refuses to talk about these things and I think they are in denial about Michelle and her younger brother (who clearly has a severe learning disability, which I have never shared with anyone....)
I somehow have become the demon in this. I know I was the "black sheep" in my family for a very long time, and I thought things were getting quieter (not better, but quieter). They used to do and say awful things to me, but when Angelo came into my life he set them straight so they lay off.

I try and keep Cailen at a distance from my family as it is, but sometimes he does have to show up to family events.

I am so depressed about all this.

If you have read all this, thank you. Between my mentally ill mother who I have not spoken to in 5 years, and now all of this craziness, I can't deal with insanity anymore. It is so toxic.

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ETA - I have always had a special place in my heart for my niece because of how sad and low self esteem she always seemed (sorry for my grammar - haven't slept much) and my friend and I are always talking about how beautiful she is - she has gorgeous features.... And lately she was starting to talk to me more and I thought maybe she was getting over her stuff a little....

Message edited 7/5/2008 8:46:37 AM.

Posted 7/5/08 8:38 AM