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Mommy2Boys
My Boys!!!!
Member since 6/06 14437 total posts
Name:
C
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
This is a very hard situation. I would have to agree with the other posters and say that b/c of your step sister and step mom you should probably distance yourself from the whole group b/c with them - I don't think you will ever be able to get close to your niece. That said, it sounds to me like your niece was desperately seeking attention and acceptance from you since she is obviously not getting it at home. The poor kid.
You sound like a wonderful mom and a caring aunt and I think you did the best you could in this situation
ITA with all of this!!!
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Posted 7/5/08 4:32 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
i agree with the PPs that said you need to distance yourself (even more than you have already) from your family... i know that you love your dad and care about your stepfamiliy, but it just isn't healthy for you to be around them. not only that, i know you don't want cailen growing up thinking that their behavior is normal, or okay.
i am so sorry you had to deal with that... i hope your niece gets the help she so desperately needs, and i hope you are able to see that you have become an amazing person and a wonderful mother in spite of growing up in such horrific conditions.
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| Posted 7/5/08 5:35 PM |
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Posted by neenie
Posted by Tilde
I think you need to get your family away from all of that negativity and chaos. BUT I also "know" you and I know that you will not stop thinking about "Michelle" and I think that you should try to help her while keeping your family away, if it is at all possible
I can understand this- i've been in a very similar situation (i also avoid famly gatherings with certain members too), but i learned the hard way that you just need to bow out. 'Michelle' is in a toxic situation, she's surrounded by it and it's all that she knows. Eventhough you'd have the best of intentions to try to make her life even a little bit better, or be that person that's there for her... it's just going to come back and bite you in the asss. She's under such a toxic influence, that whatever you do is only going to get twisted around and used against you. If you're going to have any sense of self-preservation, you have to realize that its just not worth it. (maybe i'm jaded though, b/c i'm going through something similar and am just over trying to help people who apparently find comfort in 'crazy'). 
DH says the same thing - you aren't jaded... you are realistic!!!
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| Posted 7/5/08 5:52 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Liza, I agree with distancing yourself, but I am glad you talked to your niece. At some point in the future, she may remember your kindness and seek you out for help when she is mature enough to act on her own.
It does blow, though.
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| Posted 7/5/08 8:26 PM |
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Your stepsister is feeding her kid with BS about you and using her as a pawn. The way I see it, your stepsister really does see you as the perfect mother and she tried to say it with some sarcasm instead of facing the fact that she sees you that way. Her kid is all mixed up with the kid's own issues, plus whatever her mom may have said about you behind your back before today happened. What do you do about it? I honestly do not know. I'll FM you some thoughts.
Message edited 7/5/2008 8:42:34 PM.
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| Posted 7/5/08 8:42 PM |
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MDF
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Member since 5/05 2313 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Familys can sometimes be the hardest to deal with. Is their any way that you can make plans to take your niece out for the day alone? Maybe in an alone situation you could get her to open up and be more honest with you about whats really going on with her.
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| Posted 7/5/08 8:52 PM |
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
I'm so sorry Liza. The whole situation sounds terribly upsetting. I don't even know what to say. I think that distancing yourself is the absolute right thing to do right now. You can offer to be there for your niece and that is really it.
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| Posted 7/5/08 9:11 PM |
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SkyzTheLimit
Bring on summer!!!
Member since 3/06 2483 total posts
Name:
Jamie
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
WOW....I too read the whole thing and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I agree with other posters and do think you should distance yourself. It is not healthy for you or Cailen.
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| Posted 7/5/08 10:58 PM |
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CHRISTINEL
My lil Princess... ;)
Member since 7/06 1590 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Posted by DancinBarefoot
Liza, I did read the entire post, and as much as you may not want to hear this, my only advice is to completely distance yourself from them all. From everything I have read in the past, and now this, it seems to me that
these "family" gathering serve no purpose other than to upset you and call your parenting into question.
Angelo, Cailen, and your step-daughters are your family now. Not your father, your step-monster, and your step-sisters and their offspring.
Please stop putting yourself in harm's way.
:hugg
I also have read the whole post, and I am in a similar situation with my family.
My sister, mom, new stepdad , brother and there family.
I am not allowing this behavior to harm my kids.. it has harmed me for years that I will always have that blame for all the things that have gone wrong in my family, which everyone points the finger but it never to themselves it always to the one that cares, or has feelings.
I have also been hurt repeatedly
you have youre family now why dont you put all youre love, feeling into them instead of wasting youre time with people that really dont seem to care.
It may hurt to know the truth but, it is time to turn youreself around for youre sons sake
If you need to talk I am here for you ..
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| Posted 7/5/08 11:37 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
I am sorry you keep going through this time after time.
I know I have told you before but those people will NOT change. This is what it is.
I think using the word "toxic" was perfect. I guess now you can add the word "embarrassing". They can't even contain themself in front of strangers (your friends).
Lots of my family members are toxic and they are out of my life. Between kids, work, DH, life, etc.... I think we all have enough to worry about without adding unwanted stress.
Your stepsister is evil, your stepmom is evil, your dad is completely passive.
I think distancing yourself is best at this point. I don't think they set a good environment for Cailen and your family.
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| Posted 7/6/08 7:33 AM |
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Thank you ladies for your words, advice, and FMs. Since so many of you asked some good questions and addressed certain things, I will try and answer the best I can on here:
Things between my stepsister and I have always been rocky. My stepmom never gave anyone good attention and it affected her immensely. She is like someone who is stunted in early adolescence. All she wants is my stepmom's approval and my dad's attention. I went through that when I was young, but moved on. I had the role of being the emotional, overweight, F-up. When I decided to shed that skin, clean up my act, get a career, and become a successful family woman, there was nothing to put down anymore. Thats when things got worse.
Now stepsister has projected all of her issues onto her kids. She pushes them and pushes them to do sports, and they are very unathletic kids. They have no self esteem or confdence. My nephew is 9, still has tantrums, a speech problem, and won't go to the bathroom without help. My neice, as well as above issues, is painfully shy - almost deer-in-the headlights in any social gathering. The july 4th party, she was hunched over - literally hunched, with her arms around her stomach because she was wearing a tankini. It was so inappropriate for her to even be wearing it....
Also, I know everyone (parent's friends) was commenting on Cailen. At one point, Devin is walking around cheerily carrying Cailen. Theres Devin, looking like a teenager in her bikini, beautiful and perky, and everyone coming up to them. I know they were commenting in front of stepmom and stepsis about how gorgeous our kids are. I see that not as a reflection of us, but as a reflection of themselves. But I also know that was the last thing they wanted to hear....
I have tried to spend time with my niece because she gets along with Devin, but my stepsister never allowed it. After the cutting remarks and nasty things that my stepmom, stepsister, and niece and nephew have said to me, with my dad saying nothing, I decided way before Cailen was born that I am limiting my time with them.
As it is, I see my family maybe once a month. Maybe. My parents have gone months without seeing Cailen. More their doing than mine, but I have made sure the distance is there.
I swear, the thing that makes me sad is hearing my parents' friends rant and rave about their baby grandchildren, or hearing how excited they are when their daughters are pregnant. They say to my parents how much time they spend with their grandchildren. My parents say nothing.
Trust me, the last thing I want is to subject Cailen to an environment where compliments are painful to give, and hateful things are being done and said (I could write a book on all the things that have been done and said to me and about me. )
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| Posted 7/6/08 7:55 AM |
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landj
After 4 years, 1000 posts!
Member since 7/06 1124 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
I'm so sorry you are going through this . I'm also in the mental health field, and I think people in this field all work and live with the philosophy that we will try and help others, even in challenging situations.
The problem is that some people are just not ready to be helped. I've experienced this in personal relationships too, and it stinks because you know you can do so much for this person (or people), but they just don't want the help. So it's a very HELPLESS feeling for all involved  .
I agree with pp's that it's probably best to keep your distance, as difficult as it may be at times. I'm glad that YOU know what a wonderful mother you are, and that's the most important thing. You have established your own wonderful family, and you deserve all the credit in the world for that! I hope that things work out for you.
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| Posted 7/6/08 9:17 AM |
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LIBOUND
Texting king
Member since 10/05 5289 total posts
Name:
Suzy
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
You yourself hit the nail on the head. The entire sitation is toxic. Distancing youself is the only way (at least for now) to keep your own sanity.
I know these sitations well (I admire you for your candid posts, but I'm not there yet) and I realize that my husband and child are my family and are the one's who keep me sane.
My heart goes out to you.
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| Posted 7/6/08 9:34 AM |
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MrsRivera
2 under 2...whew!!
Member since 2/07 9876 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Is there any chance of having a heart-to-heart with Michelle's mom? I know you had mentioned that she has some mental issues as well--and I could imagine that would make it difficult.
Before cutting them out of your life completely, I'd probably make some attempt to explain why. Of course, you know them and I don't, so only you will know how feasible that will be.
I'm so sorry you're going through this
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| Posted 7/6/08 2:06 PM |
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LoveBeingMrsT
Love my Boys!
Member since 12/05 4648 total posts
Name:
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
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| Posted 7/6/08 4:03 PM |
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Posted by MrsRivera
Is there any chance of having a heart-to-heart with Michelle's mom? I know you had mentioned that she has some mental issues as well--and I could imagine that would make it difficult.
Before cutting them out of your life completely, I'd probably make some attempt to explain why. Of course, you know them and I don't, so only you will know how feasible that will be.
I'm so sorry you're going through this
This has been going on my whole life. I have tried and tried and tried. There is no talking to her. She rants, raves, and gets hysterical immediately. She doesn't act like an adult....
There was a time when I went out of my way to do nice things for her so we could have a relationship. I used to have Thursdays off with one of my jobs. She wanted to get in shape. I would wake up early, pick her up coffee, and work out with her (I was a fitness instructor.) Then I let her in free to a class I was teaching. After that, something happened and she said I was selfish and only cared about myself. I was always there playing with the kids, seeing past the passive aggressive stuff because I wanted a sister so badly, and when she did that I realized that this was going to be difficult. I still tried. When I dated DH, he would ask me to invite them to wherever we were going. They never wanted to go. And always my stepsister never missed an opportunity to say something nasty. Michelle did and said awful things to Devin even when they were little. This isn't something that came out of the blue. This was always lingering, waiting to happen.
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| Posted 7/6/08 4:57 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
I have been thinking about you today.
You know how "I" feel about this environment but I am not in your shoes.
My questionx to you are:
After so many years of trying so hard to fit and make friends with them, what do you think you need to do or what needs to happen for you to feel "complete" in this family?
What is your breaking point? How far are you willing to suffer to try to make it work?
I think you have to reflect inside and see if you still willing to put up with, why you are willing to put up with it or if you are ready to say goodbye.
Those are hard questions? You may have probably have asked them to yourself already. I think you will need to think rationally about the whole thing, all those years and the future that may be.
Message edited 7/6/2008 9:02:00 PM.
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| Posted 7/6/08 9:01 PM |
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Reese1106
Family of 4! :o)
Member since 8/06 6655 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Liza I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with what some of the other posters have said regarding needing to distance yourself from them completely. This type of toxic behavior is not healthy for you, your DH or Cailen. You are a strong person and I know your want to help them. I'm so sorry.
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| Posted 7/6/08 9:51 PM |
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Stacey1403
Where it all began....
Member since 5/05 24065 total posts
Name:
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
At this point I think all you really need to ask yourself is why you would want to have a relationship with any of them?
Personally I would cut them all out of my life and my child's life too. I mean what are they really bringing to the table for Callien or for you? A whole lot of nothing
Good Luck
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| Posted 7/6/08 10:28 PM |
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littlejoy06
Love
Member since 3/07 6944 total posts
Name:
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Oh Liza!!! I'm so sorry you had to go through this and in front of everyone. I hope everything works out.
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| Posted 7/6/08 10:32 PM |
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Thanks ladies. I guess I feel that I will only see my dad in these situations. He doesn't have time to see me outside of these type of GTGs....
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| Posted 7/7/08 6:49 AM |
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Ambersmom
Straight up nasty
Member since 5/05 7740 total posts
Name:
Sharon
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Posted by DancinBarefoot
Liza, I did read the entire post, and as much as you may not want to hear this, my only advice is to completely distance yourself from them all. From everything I have read in the past, and now this, it seems to me that these "family" gathering serve no purpose other than to upset you and call your parenting into question.
Angelo, Cailen, and your step-daughters are your family now. Not your father, your step-monster, and your step-sisters and their offspring.
Please stop putting yourself in harm's way.
I'm also going to have to agree with this. It seems like they resent you because of the fact that you are lacking substantial issues in your life. Because you/your child are normal; that's their excuse to use you as a whipping post. Anyone who has read a portion of this post realizes this child is in serious need of therapy. You are ALWAYS going to be a target because thankfully, you're not like them. For the sake of your son; keep them at a serious arms length!
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| Posted 7/8/08 7:17 AM |
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krashnburn
I am Batman!
Member since 5/05 4093 total posts
Name:
I'm Batman, I tell you!
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
I have to agree with some of the others that sometimes the best thing for your own sanity and well being of your immediate family, is to distance yourself from those people who cause you stress, anxiety and depression. We had some problems in our family when I was younger and we disconnected ourselves from that part of the family and life became significantly less stressful and more healthy!
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| Posted 7/8/08 9:19 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
I think you are going to have to avoid toxic situations for the sake of your son. IMO...once again you are becoming someone elses batting post. When is Liza going to be Liza and not a scapegoat for someone elses problem. you are NOT responsible for what your step sister, step mother and all the other people who influenced Michelle into believing she was fat. I think you went over and beyond by talking to this child and making things right. I feel for you bc I think its time for you to take care of YOUR family. Meaning you, dh and Cailen. Whens your breaking point....???
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| Posted 7/8/08 9:59 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Horrible, horrible family situation. I need advice, thoughts, etc.... Warning - very long....
Posted by smdl
I have been thinking about you today.
You know how "I" feel about this environment but I am not in your shoes.
My questionx to you are:
After so many years of trying so hard to fit and make friends with them, what do you think you need to do or what needs to happen for you to feel "complete" in this family?
What is your breaking point? How far are you willing to suffer to try to make it work?
I think you have to reflect inside and see if you still willing to put up with, why you are willing to put up with it or if you are ready to say goodbye.
Those are hard questions? You may have probably have asked them to yourself already. I think you will need to think rationally about the whole thing, all those years and the future that may be.
Very good questions. I agree that you should distance yourself but wanted to say that after reading your posts, this didn't sit well with me:
Posted by lipglossjunky73
The july 4th party, she was hunched over - literally hunched, with her arms around her stomach because she was wearing a tankini. ]It was so inappropriate for her to even be wearing it ....
Also, I know everyone (parent's friends) was commenting on Cailen. At one point, Devin is walking around cheerily carrying Cailen. ]Theres Devin, looking like a teenager in her bikini, beautiful and perky, and everyone coming up to them. I know they were commenting in front of stepmom and stepsis about how gorgeous our kids are.
Why is it in appropriate for a girl to be wearing a tankini? Was it too small for her? Devin looking gorgeous may be just that. It may not be about jealousy.
I think you may be falling into the trap of diagnosing your family's personality traits. It usually happens when you're in that particular field. I remember thinking "so&so is a sociopath. Joe Schmoo is neurotic." when I was majoring in psych. Sure the issues stem from childhood, but in the end...you can chalk it up to them putting on their big girl panties & getting over their insecurities. Stop making excuses for them. A bad childhood does not excuse their bitchy behavior.
Message edited 7/8/2008 10:33:54 AM.
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| Posted 7/8/08 10:32 AM |
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