How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

So I have an 11 year old who has what the doctors call severe adhd and tourettes syndrome. He is a handful. The 2 children that came after him look up to him. They follow his lead. We just moved and dont really know anyone. I just left their dad so I know they are kind of angry/confused. My ex bought and buys them every videogame and there are no rules at his house. How do i get my children in line. I feel like i follow them around all day and remind them of the rules. Ifeel like the bad guy all the time. The mean mom. I need help around the house. I need a system of some sort. My boys dont remember to even flush the toilet. I know they are lazy but my oldest is so... distracted too. Their new thing is talking back to me. I need super nanny. How do you handle incentives? A reward system?

Re: How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

I know you can't really control what goes on at exDh's but you can ask if they can have consistency because it's the one thing that can ease this time for them.

I can only say what works for me & of course, nothing is 100% of the time.

I praise the heck out of anything good they do (and yes, I even make up stuff that they may not have done so they'll do that too). I let them overhear me saying how good they've been, cleaning up after themselves or getting along.

For cleaning up after themselves, I wait until they're comfortable before I tell them to come clean up. All weekend long, I was telling my son "pick up your plate & clean up after yourself. The plate, the glass, the crumbs, everything."

He'd come upstairs, pick up his plate & put it in the sink (instead of the dishwasher). I'd watch him go downstairs, I'd wait a minute or two until I knew he was on a computer game & then called him up again "You forgot your glass, come up & put it away." Then he'd go back downstairs, get back on his game & I'd call him back "You put it in the sink, not the dishwasher." I did it about 4 times before he said "BEFORE I go downstairs, is there ANYTHING else I need to do?":

I don't know what my kids have against flushing a toilet either but the same rules apply. I won't do it. I make them stop whatever they are watching, playing ,reading to do it.

I know you feel like the bad guy but I can assure you that you are not the meanest mom in the world (mainly because there can't be two of us). Your job isn't to make their lives easier. Your job is to make teach them how to live on their own, to teach them to be a a person that someone one else will eventually love & want to live with. No one wants to live with the guy that never flushes the toilet, isn't considerate, isn't clean, right?

I know that I can easily get into the cycle of pointing out the negative. I *try* my best not to do it & yes, I fail many times. But every day, your job as a parent is to try & it sounds like you are doing exactly that.

That & I threaten to throw away anything I find that's left out on the floor.

Re: How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

It isn't easy and I don't think it ever will be. Your challenges are different than my own.. so I am not sure that what works for me will work for you, but maybe something will strike a chord?

The most important things (IMO) are clarity and consistency. They KNOW what is expected. we remind them often. We also remind them of the consequences of not behaving in a way that is acceptable. We will remind them, we will warn them - and then we start the punishments. They complain and they whine and they try to beg their way out of whatever the consequences are.. but it's critical that we stay firm. Don't get me wrong.. we can be flexible.. but it is ALWAYS clear that any flexibility is OUR choice, not theirs. This means that any whining or moaning will almost CERTAINLY result in us being completely rigid. If they accept their punishment graciously, we will sometimes give them a little slack. NOT always.. but often enough that the point is not lost that we can give grace.

Which leads to the next important element.. positive reinforcement. We praise good behavior and we acknowledge them in small ways for doing the right thing. Sometimes we'll give them a pass on doing chores as a special surprise and let them know it was for doing x, y or z. We like to tell them when we feel they've done something well and once in a while they might get a special treat. They enjoy being given affirmation of their efforts but we don't use it in a 'carrot/stick' way. Bribing them to do something good isn't what we aim for because we never want them to 'expect' a reward.

Lastly.. we try to set an example. We work alongside them when they do their chores. They know that everyone in the house plays an important role in making things work. We try to make things fun when we can.. like.. raking is BACK BREAKING work in the fall.. but we'll sometimes have an outside fire and s'mores afterwards. Or we'll do a small pile of leaves to jump in if they are willing to help clean it again after we decimate it. We'll make some things a game or a race so it breaks up the monotany.

We try to make sure the boys know we LOVE them - but they also know that they are important to the success of the household. We try to make sure that we have fun so it isn't ALL work and no play. We do listen to them and if they have a valid complaint we will take the time to counter and let them know WHY we have this rule or that one. We try to respect them as people while making sure they understand that by virtue of our age and experience and the fact that we pay the bills, we get the final say.

If you can.. I'd try to get your ex on board with at least showing some solidarity with your rules while they are with him.

I hope ANY of this rambling stuff made some sense and might help you!

Good Luck!!

Message edited 11/12/2012 10:16:07 AM.

Re: How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

Thank you so much for responding. There are no rules with dad. If you want to eat ice cream in your bed for breakfast, so be it kind of household. One time he was watching the oldest and I had parent teacher conferences. I came home and Gabe was eating a whole bag of oreo cookies...for dinner. I could go on and on but I wont. It was hard to leave but I did it. Now I want our household to run as a team. Not as if mom is the maid. I have tried numerous things but I feel like all I do is remind remind remind them to do their chores. Its just exhausting. We all know it is easier to do it ourselves but then were back in that cycle where they make the mess and I clean it up. *sigh*

Re: How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

Message edited 11/12/2012 4:38:33 PM.

Re: How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

Re: How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

In regards to chores - do you have a list for them to go off of, as a reminder of what they have to do?

I know for my husband I need to give him a list and my kids will need the same. My son's have ADHD, and while it is not severe, I can not give them multiple instructions at once. Telling them to go upstairs, go to the bathroom, get dressed and get their shoes will be setting them up for failure. I have to break it down into several steps and stay on top of them. I feel like I am nagging, but they wind up getting too distracted and get nothing accomplished except getting into trouble.

Positive reinforcement works and we try to give them rewards on the weekends with a movie or McDonald's, which they think are rewards, but truthfully we would have went there anyway, lol. They just don't know that. Only downfall is if they are not behaved that week we won't do it, or we will still go out to eat but DH will choose and we won't go some where they would prefer.

Good Luck, I can't imagine having to deal with them having no rules when they are with their father.

How can I get my kids to follow the rules?

I would make signs by the toilet reminding them to flush, lots of positive reinforcement, before they come into your house say something like "don't forget the HOME rules" (make it like your house is home). One mom at daycare tells her DC to "make good choices".

DS is only 4 but I'd divorced - different rules at dfferent houses (more with what words are acceptable).

Make it clear what you expect, remind remind remind, and even though its positive reinforcement, there are consequenses. Start slow - like with 5 reward points and build up to bigger numbers.

THis website had a lot of good ideas for potty training, I noticed they had other/older ones. Maybe they can help you.

Reward charts

Message edited 11/15/2012 1:54:30 PM.