I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

I haven't spoken to my sister in over 5 years....Very long story....but I have felt for a good portion of my life that she has always been the preferred child no matter what she did or didn't do. I was the child who was pretty self responsible at a young age and was content in reading a book.

I have always taken good care of my nephews (eventhough my mother has pointed out on several ocassion that that is MY choice)

Now, she blows into town for a few days and my mother gets angry today that I didn't say hello or goodbye. We went as a "family" to see our "grandmother" in the hospital.

Truth be told, I have nothing to say to her. Yes, she is my sister, but I don't even like her as a person. (there is a complete laundry list as to why)

Now that I am pregnant, I guess my mother thought this would bring us all together. But, I don't need a sister. I have been fine without one for a long time.

My mother was crying on the way home saying that she can't understand why I can't be civil. I responded that I just don't have anything to say to her at all, so why say anything to begin with.

Am I wrong? Should I just suck it up and be more personable?

I have a headache now because of this!

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

Not to sound insensitive, but if you think she's been the "preferred child" isn't that your parent's fault?

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

I don't think your wrong..you seem to have a good reason why you aren't close and its not like your sister reaches out to you

I am sure your mom is just upset that her children don't get along but she has to let you two live your lives

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

First, I am sorry you are feeling so upset

When I read your post, what came to my mind immediately was that as a mother myself, it would also break my heart if my two children didn't speak.

I'm in no way am I saying you should speak to your sister...I'm sure you have your reasons, and they are probably very valid.

I hope you find the answer you are looking for

Message edited 4/14/2007 7:16:28 PM.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

does she make an effort to speak with you?

honestly I wouldn't go out of my way, JMO

ETA:

my dad has never had a relationship with his sister...I don't even know my cousins and they are the same age as my brother and I...when my grandmother died last june...she told me dad she didn't want a relationship with him...so now my dad says he only has a brother

Message edited 4/14/2007 7:15:15 PM.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

Here some background: As a child my sister always needed extra help. She had a learning disability and went to tutoring, therapy, and a multitude of schools. She just always needed more attention then I did. Maybe "preferred" wasn't the right choice.

When she was 21 she got pregnant and hid it from my parents (she lived at home with my parents) until she was over 6 months pregnant. The father denied the pregnancy, cost my parents all sorts of money in lawyers etc...Then she goes and 3 years later goes to live with the same guy and got pregnant again. Hid the pregnancy. My father died in May, she told my mother in July that she was pregnant, baby was born in Nov.

She was supose to be the MOH in my wedding in November (the baby was born 1 day after my wedding in Chicago, wedding was in NYC)

I just feel that we lead very different lives and don't have anything in common except the fact that we were born to the same parents.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

thats really tough.

I guess if you just focus on yourself and your 'serenity' you can get through the family nonsense.

You can't control how your family acts.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

my younger brother has a learning disability along with some other issues and I can also say that he was paid a lot more attention to than I was...was I jealous, sometimes....we fought constantly and always over the same thing...even got into physical altercations a few times...I kicked him out of my wedding party b/c he told me he wasn't happy for me that I was getting married and didn't want to be involved...which upset my parents, but I stood my ground.... A week before my wedding he apologized but I didn't let him back in the wedding.
Since I've moved OOS and our relationship has been better since i'm not in the house...however he still gives my parents grief...but I def can empathize with you.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

I have a similar situation with my sister, and I HATE when my mother tries to make me feel guilty about it.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

I understand, exactly, how you feel. I have a brother who I haven't seen in over 30 years. He was, also, I feel, the preferred child. He had very bad eyesight and my mother favored him over me. At least, this is the way I saw it. He and my mother had a falling out and I was dragged into the middle of it. He put me in a very bad spot and I didn't speak to him again for almost 20 years.

After I got past the anger and the pain, I contacted him. The only thing he wanted to do was rehash the past. He never moved on from whatever hurt, real or imagined, was done to him. He saw himself as the victim, when, he was just as much at fault as my mother. Even though he was much older me, I felt that he never grew up. He never reconciled with our mother before she died and he is still mired in the same anger as he always was.

We've only spoken a few times in the past 10 years. I don't feel any anger toward him. I don't feel, really, anything toward him. I have nothing in common with him and have lived my life without having him in it.

Your feelings are your own and you have a right to them. Whatever has happened between you and your sister has to be settled between you and your sister. This may not be the right time. If and when the right time does come, you will know it.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

What a hard situation to be in
As a mom, I can see how heartbreaking it must be for your 2 children to not get along for so many years, to live separate lives.
As a sister, although I cant imagine not speaking to any of my siblings, you must know how you feel in your heart and follow that.

If she truly never reaches out to you and never shows any interest in making things better, then you cant do it all on your own. In this case, the effort has to come from both ends (and not include mom).

If you do feel like you want to speak again, take it easy, step by step.
If you really dont want her in your life, it's your choice and you need to be happy. Follow your heart!

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

I would suck it up. I would hate for you to regret later in life wasting so many years hating your sister and not speaking to her for something that in years may seem stupid.

You may not need your sister now and be totally content in it just being you and your DH and your soon to be DC, but you never know what may happen down the line. What if you need her for something (medically speaking)....

I have 2 younger sisters and while we never were that close I would die without them. IMO, there is no comparison to a relationship with your sister. I hope one day very soon you can swallow your pride and put your differences aside. You would hate to bring your DC into an extended family that is divided, wouldn't you?

Good luck!

Message edited 4/14/2007 10:00:07 PM.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

My feeling is because someone is family doesn't mean you need to forgive & forget, let them walk all over you nor does it mean you have to reconcile for the sake of family. It means, simply put, that you are related.

I could see why your mom is upset (actually my mom is upset over my sister & I not speaking too), but I don't think you should have to "make nice" for anyone because you're pregnant.

I would probably feel differently if it was something that seemed to be upsetting you or if you had unfinished business. It seems like you are at peace with your decision (except for your mom's comments & tears). Life is too short to fake relationships for the sake of someone else.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

Message edited 4/14/2007 11:41:51 PM.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

As someone in a similar situation don't suck it up. If you are happier not having her in your life than you are definitely making the right decision. It drives me crazy that parents get angry at the child that does the right thing all the time and expects that child to always suck it up. and less angry at the child that causes the problems.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

I can't really give you an answer - I don't know what happened between the 2 of you. and it's none of my business.

I can understand where your mom is coming from though. she just wants the family back to normal.

Re: I am so upset that I don't even know who to be upset with..

You are not wrong at all and I have been in the same situation with one of my sisters and my father.

I just don't have anything to say or do with them. We have nothing in common.

As for being told to be "civil", I have heard it all and finally told my family members NOT to interfere with my choices. That it was none of their business and that I would not accept their comments. That I did not tell them who to speak to or not and I would expect the same respect for my decision.

Most of them understood and will not ask anymore. As for the others, take it or leave it. I don't have time for their judgement.