i am worried

I am a regular poster but just do not feel comfortable posting under my real name.

I have been thinking about TTC for some time now. But I am truly scared that it isn't for me. A big part of me wants to be a mother, the part that sees kids in the park or when I am over my friends house playing with her children. But then I think of all the crying, sleepless nights, feeling stressed out, feeling lost, losing my own personal time, space and identity. I just get completely scared and freaked out that it is just not for me. I cherish coming home from work and relaxing on the couch with my DH. Going out to dinner and with friends. I just feel like my life would change sooo drastically that I wouldn't even recognize my own self. AND that saddens me even more. The thought of never having children makes me very sad. Makes me feel so abnormal. I know my DH wants children and I know he would be VERY bothered if I told him I didn't. I know our parents are counting the days until we get to tell them I am PG.
I didn't know which board to post this on. I didn't want to offend the TTC'ers or parents of the boards.
I am lost

Re: i am worried

I dont think you would offend the TTC'ers...me being one of them...
Although I cant really offer advice or understand since I feel very differently then you..BUT dont be so hard on yourself!!. Its OK to not be ready or to not want kids.

It sounds like, just in your words, that you are not ready and you know your not...Dont let other peoples pressures push you into something such as having a child.

I can tell you what it feels like to me..I have ALWAYS wanted a child, and I truly want to be a parent, I WANT to give up things like my free time. If you dont feel this way, try to find out why, I have never felt differently , so I do not know if it will come to you in time, but I know sooo many women who wait as well as many who decide they just dont want kids.

please talk to your husband more , maybe you two can figure something out together?

Again..dont get down on yourself for being confused...Life is all about the CONFUSION!

Message edited 7/14/2005 7:25:41 PM.

Re: i am worried

i feel the same way sometimes. i absolutely adore babies... but im scared to death to have my own! you sound really upset by this, so i dont mean for my response to simplify your feelings in any way, but i really think that maybe youre just not 'ready' right now- i know that's definatley the case for me. i think we're just programed to think that once one thing is done (wedding) then we should move onto the next right away (house, kids, etc).. but theres nothing wrong with taking the time to enjoy your present situation! There was definately a time in my life when i didnt think i ever wanted to get married either, and well... that plan obviously changed But, before i was ready to get married- there were other 'things' that i needed to get out of my system, and i feel like its the same with having a child. Just because youre not ready right now doesnt necessarily mean that you'll never be ready... just that now is not the right timing.

Re: i am worried

Donna is right, you sound not ready. Don't let your parents or society or even your DH talk you into anything you are not ready.
Believe it or not I never wanted children when I was a kid, a teenager, and even into my early twenties...I wanted no part. Then one day (I have NO IDEA what triggered it) I decided "wait I do want kids" and a year later we were trying.
My point is don't be so hard on yourself. She remain open that maybe you will have kids and maybe you won't. This decision does not have to be made today.

Re: i am worried

While I agree with the other posters, I also think that some of what you're feeling is perfectly normal to feel! Having a child changes your life dramatically. Mostly, those changes are great, but given the choice, I think most people (not all, but most) would say they'd rather sleep through the night than wake up 3 times. I think most people would want to be able to come and go as they please, whether it be dinner with friends, a vacation with DH, or simply going food shopping.
The point I'm trying to make is that just because you feel these things, doesn't mean you'd be a bad mother or that these feelings are abnormal.
JMO

Re: i am worried

I could have written your post, word for word!
First off, I don't think you shouldn't feel comfortable for not posting under your real name! Every person is different and in different stages of life and what they desire and want. I know I am not ready for kids and don't know when I'll be! We are not getting any pressure from family though, they think we should enjoy life now. I'm actually getting more pressure from one of my friends!
Don't feel bad how you feel. Better to wait a little longer until you feel ready rather than to satisfy everyone else's desires for YOUR family!!

Re: i am worried

Here's another TTC'er saying no offense taken. I actually have a 2 year old and alhtuogh I have known I ALWAYS wanted kids (a half dozen I joked), I too was afraid, I think that part is natural. Once I had my son, it was so amazing and I never thought twice about giving anything up. If your not sure wait, but dont wait to talk to your DH. You may find together you can come to a resolution.

Re: i am worried

I am another ttc'er here and I could have even wrote some of the things you have said. I, like other people, think that it is natural and normal to be scared and not want to give certain things up. But the thing is...can you weight the circumstances. When I think that I will be losing some "me" time, I then think, but I will be gaining precious time raising my child and doing things with and for them. When I think I will be losing my moments with my dh..I then think of all the moments we will gain together as a family and seeing him as a father. When I think of losing my 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep...I then think of all the precious moments I will have rocking my baby back to sleep as they hold on to their "mommies" hand.

So you see...you can be scared. You can have all these feelings that you are feeling but at the same time, if you realize that with every change, there will be a wonderful new awakening, you are almost there. I wouldnt push anyone to start ttc, especially if they didnt feel ready but if these are just fears that make you stop and wonder every once in a while, then I think its a sign that your considering the good parent you can be. If these fears literally hold you back then just wait a while.

I know for me...that when I look at my life I know that one of my biggest goals since I was about 5 years old was to be a mommy. I want to RAISE children, not just have them. I want to give my children a life filled with memories and good times and although I know its not ALL about happy times...I know that I will try my hardest to give them what they deserve.

Good luck to you and always vent! We are always here for you!