I don't know what to do with DS anymore

He is going to be 3 in April and I am so frustrated at myself for the way I react to his behavior and then the way he behaves for me.
In school he is an angel. He raises his hand when he needs something, doesn't interupt, listens to the teachers and aides. Home it is a free for all. He will throw his toys, push and hit DD for no reason, slam the baby gate if it is open, everything is just a battle with him. Their are times were I am not hot tempered and I come up a compromise fast and it works. He is also sooo manipulating and I guess I enable it, but is so much easier just to give then listening to him scream which will result in him throwing something. I have thrown out toys that he has thrown and it doesn't work. Time outs are a joke. I asked his teacher about the correct way because I thought I was doing it wrong but I wasn't. Yesterday morning I spent a good 15 minutes putting him back in timeout for a 3 minute timeout. The worst part of this whole thing is that I notice I get rough with him. We both don't agree with hitting children and we don't but I will grab a little tighter and it just makes me sad. I feel like I am always yelling and that doesn't help. I am turning into my mom in that aspect and I HATE that. So right now he is in his crib crying, I am on here crying and DD is happy as clam in her high chair watching tv.
I don't know what to do. He doesn't behave this way for ANYONE else but me. It doesn't help that I have been sick for a week and half either.

Does anyone have any advise how to be calmer? I know the biggest problem is the way I react to things and my tone. DH tells me that all time.

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

I wish I had advice for you but I'm right there with you. DS is only 2 though and his temper tantrums are out of control. We just started the time out thing with him too and it is a nighmare right now. I just keep hanging on to the fact that everybody tells me that it DOES get better and these days become a distant memory...

OH, and he does ONLY act this way for me too, NOBODY else. He's his cute, funny, smart little self with everyone BUT me. As soon as he sees me he becomes a different kid......

So, I know how you feel. Sometimes I just have to step back, take a deep breath, and then keep going. It's so frustrating.

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

Don't really have advice bc my DS is 6 months old. but I will say when he is being a PITA , if I yell to him stop it, or behave, he gets even LOUDER! so I know that getting loud with my DS makes things worse

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

Its funny cause I was just going to do the same kind of post about Julia!! She is a nighmare at home for me lately, does NOT listen at all, and when I tell her to put something down, or to stop touching something, she just smiles at me and says no! DH is great at time out with her cause she gets nervous when he raises his voice (she's not use to him yelling at her) so she will stay in time out for him, me its a joke, she just laughs at me and walks away..... I don't know what to do either, at school shes's an angel and is the best one in her class, my IL's and my parents don't see the problem cause she's an angel for them too, I'm done! I can't take yelling and feeling so fustrated all the time. Not sure if it has to do with the baby and craving attention still......

Hopefully its just a stage and they will grow out of it soon!


ETA: Julia will be 4 in July!

Message edited 3/24/2009 11:40:33 AM.

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

MY DS is only 18 months and I am having this problem. I don't believe in hitting either I was abused terrible as was my brother when we were children so I really have to fight that aggression of screaming at him or hitting him. i grabbed him so tight one day I scared myself and started crying, I have been in counseling since and my counselor says when you feel yourself overly frustrated to take a time out yourself. Put DS in crib and go in your room take a few deep breath's and calm down. I usually put my ipod on with some Josh Groban when I a calmer usually within 5-10 minutes I go in and hug my DS then sit him down and tell him that mommy loves him and it will be okay. I know this doesn't help with his behavior but maybe dealing with a calmer you will calm him. Hope this helps.

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

All I can say is I've been there! There are some days that my DS laughs when I put him on the "naughty step" (got this from Supernanny....same as time out.) The one thing I'm noticing is that I'm consistent, and eventually it works. Some days it will take three or four time outs in a row for DS to really stop the bad behavior. On a bad day, he'll laugh during the first two time outs, will say he's sorry for the behavior, hug and kiss me, and then go back to the bad behavior...by time out number three or four, he is crying and completely stops the behavior.

It's so hard to keep on top of them, but I think the consistency is good...they are testing us, and seeing what they can get away with.

Hang in there

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

I have no greatr advice but I wanted to say that my dd (2 years old) is the same way...great for everyone else except for me

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

Oh been there!!! Its a power battle. He KNOWS the rules (as seen in his behaviour in school) but choses to obey them with you. I actually have someone helping me with Jordana's behavior.

You need to reclaim the authority in your home. Make choices of what you will let them do and decide, and what you won't.

My new strategy which seems to be working is to have 5 house rules. I wrote them up and at the end of each day, we put a gold star next to every rule she obeyed. When she gets 10 gold stars next to each rule, she can get a present. One of which is being a good listener. When she starts to act out- I say- do you want to get a gold star for being a good listener- is that being a good listener?

Also, with Jordana- time outs aren't an effective punishment. She is such an attention seeker that ignoring her is the most effective. This way, she does not get attention for negative behavior. If she does something bad- I get down to her eye level and say "No throwing", then I remove myself and stop eye contact and "ignore" her.

But I also learned when to give in. DH struggles with dressing her every day. She only wants to wear dresses. So I said to dh- why not? This weekend we stocked up on dresses and tights and bought another pair of "dress" shoes (like keds) and dressing this week has been a breeze.

Message edited 3/24/2009 12:20:19 PM.

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

It's nice to know that I am not the only one going through this when you feel like you are.

After I posted this, I took him out of room and gave him and DD lunch . Him and DD started to play after lunch and things were looking good and then again so instead of time out I took alway ALL of his toys for the entire day. I guess we will see what happens tomorrow.

I am going to try and incorporate some of these ideas.
Shelly- I really like that sticker chart idea and I remember Liza posting something about not to long ago and thought about it then.
Amee- I like that idea of just trying to tune them out with some music. I actually started to cry when I read your post.

I also think that he is tired of being home. I have been sick with either severe allergies or a sinus infection so all last week we were home except when he went to school and I did go to the gym twice but they were short visits. I try and go 4-5 days a week so it gets him out of the house. This weekend we were home all weekend and haven't been out yesterday or today. He should have went to school yesterday but yesterday morning was a nightmare and by the time I realized the time it was to late to go.

Thanks everyone

Re: I don't know what to do with DS anymore

I think he is a real smartie. He knows when to turn it on and off.

I think he knows at school he would look silly acting like that in front of teachers and friends.

Could that work in your house?

That's what I do. I act like behavior is absurd and horrible. Like a real "I can't believe this!"

The nebulizer is our huge battle. I put on a mean voice, which I hate. I get bored as anything sitting there for 25 mins with this thing...its torture for him. Then I feel bad that I was mean...but I don't know what else to do.

DH never speaks to josh mean ever. We both were against hitting, but I do slap his hand...I try not to, but it happens.

In the last 2 months, josh has bitten his friends 4 times. He is being bothered, or something taken from him...he bites. This drives me crazy and I act like a nut when it happens. I bit him...DH thought I was an animal.

My mother was a yeller. I am not really, but it does come out...and you know what? I don't know if its a bad thing. We listened. We were good. We loved her.