I need some support here.

This probably isn't even the right place to post this, but I just feel more comfortable doing it here.

I'm so upset because it seems like anytime there is a problem in our lives, I see the logical solution and head in that direction, but my lovely husband likes to take the hardest route and complain like crazy the whole entire time about it.
We do not own a house right now. We live in a one bedroom apartment and realistically, if we continue to rent and want to buy a house on Long Island, we would have to wait 8-10 years to save all the money we need. Between my job and his job, we make a good salary, but with a baby, and students loans and car payments and rent and all the the other stuff, we can BARELY save anything right now. JT is constantly complaining about how we have no money for a house, we have no money to go out to dinner, we have no money to take a vacation, etc.
My parents recently offered for us to move into their house for as long as we need to save up for a house. Looking at what we spend on rent and what we spend on utilities, etc., we could realistically save everything we need for a house in less that a year AND pay down his students loans at the same time.
My parents have a large place that we've lived in with them before. We have our own bathroom separate from them and a bedroom for us with a small nursery attached for Ava.
I think that it is worth the sacrifice of living with them for 10 months just so we can finally buy a place and have some savings ontop of that. JT thinks that's the "easy" way out and we should have to deal with it, even if it means renting for almost another ten years. I am so upset over this that I am sick to my stomache. He gets along great with my parents, but since he has all those unresolved issues with his parents, he is pulling away from my parents lately. His mother keeps making him feel guilty for being close to my parents
I just do not think I can continue to rent an apartment for another 10 years. I'm sorry. I'm not going to do it. I'm so upset and sick to my stomache over this. I am just sick of doing things the "hard" way and having to listen to him mope and be miserable all the time about it. He's just so f-ing miserable all the time now and he won't do anything about it.

Re: I need some support here.

We are probably in a similar situation financially and my FIL has offered for us to move into his house with him. He is living alone there now and it has 5 bedrooms ... and we lived there when we were first married as well as for the first 3 months of Emily's life...

However I just don't want to do it. It would save us $700/month in rent and we could save some money -- and the savings we currently have is running low....but I just don't want to live with my FIL. I enjoy having our own space and would rather make the sacrifice then live with my FIL and give up being on our own.

So I can relate to your DH. I know for me, there are reasons why I dn't want to move in iwth my FIL. There are things about the house that bother me, as well as personal space/privacy issues.

I think you really need to sit down and talk with your DH. Have him write down his reasons for not doing it, and you write down yor reasons for doing it .... so that hopefully you can at least see eachother's POV and come to a solution.

Re: I need some support here.

Re: I need some support here.

I know that my DH can be stubburn like that too. I find a good way to deal with him is to show him things in black and white. Why don't you make up a chart showing your take home salaries and the oney you put out monthly for bills- rent, phone, internet, car payments, student loans, groceries, etc... Account for everything. Show him what is left over monthly that you would be able to save and show him how long it will take to save for a house.
Then show him how all of the money can be saved if you just move in with your parents. Is it ideal, of course not. But if it will elp you guys provide a better life for yourselves and Ava, then that's what is really important. In if JT's parents have an issue with it, then that's their problem, not yours.

Re: I need some support here.

Re: I need some support here.

It's sounds like a great idea, I hope he reconsiders

Re: I need some support here.

My husband is like that too. His parents are exteremly generous when it comes to anythign for the baby. When we moved into our apratment, they wanted to buy us a washer/dryer, bedroom furniture , a new couch and a rug. Now, outof all those thigns, we only really needed a w/d. Dh was so reluctant to 'let' them buy it for us. We really didn't have the money ourselves, and my IL's like helping out in this way. He doesn't like feeling like he needs help. But I told him" Honey, sometimes we DO need help"

As far as your situation, it seems like a no-brainer tomake a sacrifice for 1 year so you can save for a house. If you could save up the money in 3 or 4 years on your own and JT was dead set against living with your parents, I'd say for you to suck it up. But if you are going to be stuck in an apoartment for 10 years- I'd be pushing the issue if I were you .

Good lcuk- and know that you are not the only one in Long Island that can't afford a house on a decent salary... but prices are going down !

Re: I need some support here.

We lived in an apt in my sisters house before we bought our house. Because they charged a very low rent, we put my entire check into savings and were able to buy our own home. It sounds like you have a great opportunity here and JT is just being pigheaded.

Do you have a outside space in your apt now? Once Ava is old enough to walk you will find quickly that a 1 bedroom is not enough. Worse comes to worse JT will begin to see the light then. I think any solution that gets you quicker into your own home is a good one!!

Good Luck

Re: I need some support here.

I basically could have written your post. Fortunately for me.....after much struggle, going back and forth about what the right thing to do was....my DH and I decided to move from a one bedroom tiny apartment in the upstairs of a strangers house...into the upstairs of my parents' house where we have a bedroom, living room, nursery and bathroom. We have to share the kitchen downstairs. Being that my job laid me off, financially, we just really needed to do this if we ever want a house.

I feel your pain. Is it really the easy way, no, but the alternative is much harder IMO. The hardest part about the decision was my DH having to "swallow pride" and live in "another king's castle" so to speak. It's a bit of a bruise to their ego. They want to be able to provide for their family, especially without needing to rely on the in-laws.

It's been ok so far. There's a bit of butting heads when it comes to privacy and what's ok and what's not ie: calling up the stairs to ask a question that definitely could've waited, etc.

Yes, it's a sacrifice, but worth it IMO in the long run. We'll be able to buy a house at some point in the near future and I have the support of my retired parents to help out with the baby now and when I eventually go back to work. I hope JT reconsiders and realizes in the long run....this is the most direct means to an end (at least for us it is).

Good luck and if you need to talk....FM me anytime!!!


ETA:

Message edited 9/24/2006 3:40:16 PM.

Re: I need some support here.

Rachel - did JT take the new position at his job?

Is it possible he is freaked out about being home all day with the baby in your parent's house?? Worried they will interfere or think he can't handle things?

Re: I need some support here.

Message edited 9/24/2006 4:37:34 PM.

Re: I need some support here.

Re: I need some support here.

He did end up taking that job, so he will be working M-F from 4pm-midnight most weeks. He'll have some flexibility in his schedule where he can work earlier hours two weeks out of every 6 weeks, but for the most part, he'll be gone most nights. As far as that schedule goes, it will help if we're living at my parents house because my mom won't be working as much next year because she is helping JT out to watch Ava during the week. So, being in my parents house would make his life a lot easier.
He told me before that it's all too much for him to think about right now since we can't move out of this apartment until June, anyway. I can understand it being a lot to think about since he's starting a new job this week and he's adjusting to watching Ava all day. But I guess I pushed the issue with him today because I was also upset that he told me that now that we have one baby, he's not sure he wants anymore. That devastated me. I absolutely, 100% know I want another baby, and hearing my husband, the man who said he wanted at least two children, tell me he might not want anymore children with me, broke my heart. And he said his biggest concern is because we have no house. He said if we had a house, he wouldn't feel so bleak about another child. So that's when the whole argument about living with my parents came up. So now I'm afraid he's pushing to live in an apartment as a way to avoid having another baby. NOT that I want one anytime soon, but this is SO how he would do things.
UGH This all upsets me so much. These are MAJOR things. It's like he was a false advertisement before I married him.
I know he has issues with depression, and I have been thinking lately that he is depressed again, and this is all probably a result of that, but I just don't know how to deal with him right now.

Re: I need some support here.

Rachel

Maybe when he has time to think things over he will come to the realization that you are right.....give him some time....this is a huge step

Re: I need some support here.

Sorry, Rach
Although I know at times it was difficult living with your parents, under the circumstances I think it's an awesome idea!! However, from a mans point of view, JT may feel like a "failure" or a "disappointment" because now that you are married and have a child, he may feel that he as the husband should be taking care of you and you guys should not have to go back and live with your parents.
Maybe just give it alittle time to set in. It seems like maybe he was speaking out of frustration, and I'm sure that when things settle down again, he'll certainly change his mind about having another child and realize that living with you parents for a year is much better than living in an apartment for 10 years!!

I'm here if you need to talk

Re: I need some support here.

As someone who lived with their parents for the first 4 years of their marriage, I say push for it. It was by far the smartest move we have ever done.

Student loans paid off, cars paid off, and money in bank for when we decide to buy. As long as JT gets along with them, it should really happen.

Life is unexpected and you just have to roll with it and change accordingly. I bet you never would have guessed Ava would be here your first year of marriage.

Is there another extra room in your parents home that JT can set up as a makeshift living room? you know someplace to escape to without having to feel like he is hiding out in his bedroom?

I have no problem swallowing my pride to do what feels right. I have no fear of failure. At the end of the day, only you live your life and you only have 1 to live. (I think you know this, just trying to help your argument )

Re: I need some support here.

Well since you wouldn't leave your apt. until next June, I would let the issue go for a while. Theres no sense in causing an argument now about something that is 9 months away. As far as him saying he's not sure about having more children, I'm sure that will change with some time too. I bet he's just feeling very overwhelmed right now with caring for Ava and starting a new job. I would give it all some time and then revisit these topics.

Re: I need some support here.

Thanks girls.

Re: I need some support here.

Posted by nferrandi

Well since you wouldn't leave your apt. until next June, I would let the issue go for a while. Theres no sense in causing an argument now about something that is 9 months away. As far as him saying he's not sure about having more children, I'm sure that will change with some time too. I bet he's just feeling very overwhelmed right now with caring for Ava and starting a new job. I would give it all some time and then revisit these topics.

Re: I need some support here.

first of all... second, i have been there. when i got pregnant i was living in a 2 bedroom apartment. my husband said we have to buy something and we ended up buying something that we could afford not something we loved. now that we are in a better situation i want to move and he doesn't. we are not in a good school district and i want out as quickly as possible. i would have loved the opportunity that you are presented with and i hope you can convince your DH that is it for the best!

Re: I need some support here.

Message edited 2/8/2007 7:45:14 PM.

Re: I need some support here.

I would give it a few months, then revisit it. JT is probably so overwhelmed right now. I am guilty of telling DH I did not want any more kids when I was pizzed about me being the ONLY one to EVER wake up with Grace. I know it is hard, but please try not to take it personally when he says that. He was probably just venting and I am sure once he starts his new job and you get closer to June, he will reconsider.

I know I have said TONS of things I don't mean when I am sleep deprived, frustrated, tired, emotionally spent and fearful of the financial future.

HTH. Hang in there.

Message edited 9/24/2006 10:00:25 PM.

Re: I need some support here.

Re: I need some support here.

Rach - I don't have any advice
I have a feeling that JT is feeling very overwhelmed (I know my DH gets like that alot), especially after Ali was born.
I don't work and he does and supports us. We owe some money to credit cards, but I feel like we can never save enough to buy our own home.
He feels like all of the money support is a little too stressful for him. But knows there is a little light at the end of the tunnel.
I think if I were you, I would say to JT that you understand that this is something that he does not want to talk about right now, but it is something that needs to be discussed in the future (before the lease is up). Tell him you want both of you to sit down and weigh the pros and the cons.


Just want to give you some hugs

Re: I need some support here.