I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I apologize if this is the wrong board for this. I really need to vent and maybe get some advice from ladies who have been married a little longer than I (I'm not even married a year yet).

This is a common complaint, and I know probably every lady has to deal with on a day to day basis. It's not a huge issue either, it's just something that is getting under my skin.

Anyway, DH...I love him dearly...but sometimes I can not figure him out. We have a 1 BR apt and it usually takes me hours to clean it because he has a lot of stuff. What annoys me then is that he leaves garbage on the counters or in the sink, yet he leaves dirty dishes on the floor by the TV. I am by far not a clean freak, but I like the place to be presentable and I don't want bugs. It upsets me when I spend hours cleaning the place and he just leaves crap everywhere. I have tried talking to him about this numerous time. Last night he had a donut and left the empty box on the counter. I brought the box to him and put it on his lap. He then gave me a dirty look and said he wasn't done with it yet. I asked him what he will be doing with it. He always claims that he always cleans everything up before work in the morning..which I know is not true, he will leave something for days or until it gets enough in his way. Anyway, as usual, I threw it out. This morning I woke up at 5am and saw a dirty bowl on the floor by the couch. I mustered up all the will power I had not to pick it up and put it in the dishwasher, but rather I left it there to see if he would clean it up before work, like he said he would. I just came back from the hospital and there it was! Still on the floor where he left it the night before.

I know this is not the end of the world. I also know that a lot of hubbies do this, but it really upsets me when I spend 12 hours at the hospital and come home to this after I spent hours cleaning it. When we clean the apt I give him 1 or 2 easy tasks to do because if I give him more than that it never gets done. Is this something I just have to become accustomed to and get over it? Is there something I can do? I have tried talking to him so many times and I am just sick of getting angry about it. I feel unappreciated and like he just does not listen to me.

I know this is dumb, but I really would like some advice from some experienced wives. I don't want to keep nagging him. I don't think I am asking for things that are unreasonable. My mom keeps telling me that I need to snap him out of this otherwise he will do it for the rest of our marriage.

I feel so silly for making such a big deal about nothing. I just come home frustrated every day because I know I have to pick up after him. I just want him to pitch in a little more...at least pick up after himself.

Message edited 6/15/2007 1:34:48 PM.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I am not sure what advice to give you, but I want to comisserate with you, because my husband does the same thing (leave dishes and glasses on the table). I feel like he thinks I sometimes nag him because he sounds annoyed when I ask him to put those things away.

Message edited 6/15/2007 1:37:23 PM.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

well, my DH isn't nearly as bad, but he piles dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher. So I started putting mine in the sink too. Soon the sink was overflowing and HE was the one to get upset and put them all in the dishwasher!

So I would say start leaving YOUR stuff all over...It will be a mess for a while, but sometimes they need things to get really, really bad before noticing.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I don't think it's nothing. Treating you and your house with respect is a big deal. Of course you are talking to someone that had to have the "can you not put bags of garbage under the couch?" conversation.

I wish I knew the answer, I would bottle it and sell it (then hire a maid )

Good luck!

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Don 't clean! Let it go for a week. Once he starts to notice say, well you told me you pick up your mess I figured I'd leave it to you!

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I would stop picking up after him and I would stop cleaning. Let him do it.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

i understand and can sympathize with your frustration. My DH is somewhat of a slob (though he'll admit it) and while I'm not a neat freak, some of the things he does -- like leave empty glasses, bowls, etc. everywhere irk me too. What's worked best for me is to say something nicely. "DH, can you please make an effort not to leave an empty donut box on the counter again? Just throw it out." When you word it that way - in my experience - it doesnt' come off to him as nagging so he doesn't get annoyed. He's improved, but still does it.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I have tried doing that with getting him to flush (sorry, TMI) and it still does not work. It seems like he skips a step w/ the things he does.

I started with telling him to please just be more aware of it and to try to remember to do it. When that didn't work I sat down and explained to him that it hurts me when I spend so many hours breaking my back to clean the place for him and he does not make the effort. When that didn't work I would call him over and make him throw it away right there. Then I started hiding things that were not in the proper place (I know, that's horrible...but I'm a deperate woman). When he could not find it I would tell him if it was put back where it should be he would know where it is. I would then give it to him, of course...but you can imagine that didn't work either.

He claims he cleans...I don't see it.

Oh and this was interesting. Last night w/ the donut box he said "it's like you don't remember all the times I DO put things in the garbage." Should I start a reward chart? What do you think? Gold star for everytime he put garbage directly in the trash?

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I'm sorry about the situation and the frustration you have.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I'm sorry, I really do not know what to tell you. We established early on that things like that are disrespectful and unacceptable in our house. I've had it out with DH and thankfully he understands that we are equals. He did not marry his mother and I refuse to treat him like a little boy that needs to be picked up after.


Good luck~

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Tell him it's affecting your sleep that the mess is out all night. Put an old towel down on his side of the bed, and put all his garbage there so he can't sleep with it either.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

DH used to be that way. I blame his mom. She picked up after her two boys and did all the cleaning. FIL told her that their future wives were going to hate her.

Honestly, I think it was our dog that trained DH into picking up after himself. I made DH clean up the mess our dog left when she got into the bag of chips he left on the couch or knocked over the half-empty soda all over the floor. I certainly wasn't touching that mess!

BTW, I don't hate his mom. Although I disagree with her with her archaic ideas about the woman's "job" to cook, clean, etc. DH and I are perfectly happy cleaning and cooking together.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Maybe I should try another heart to heart? Maybe we can agree on some "house rules"? He can write down some things he wants and i can do the same.

Thanks for not thinking I am completely insane for being irked by this.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Posted by woozshle

Tell him it's affecting your sleep that the mess is out all night. Put an old towel down on his side of the bed, and put all his garbage there so he can't sleep with it either.

Message edited 6/15/2007 2:01:57 PM.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Posted by LittleBlueBug

Maybe I should try another heart to heart? Maybe we can agree on some "house rules"? He can write down some things he wants and i can do the same.

Thanks for not thinking I am completely insane for being irked by this.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

Interestingly, I am the messier of the two and last year we had issues because things don't bother me as much as it bothers him.

But I've noticed that he "likes it clean" but doesn't necessarily "clean it himself" and for the past few months I have been cleaning a lot and feeling like I've been taking advantage of.

Coming from the other side, I say that you need to ask him what he wants to do to help clean the house. Specifically, I don't like to wash floors - that's my DH's job. He takes out the trash cause I dont' like it. He does the laundry (tho, I wish he wouldn't).

I like to clean the kitchen and for some reason I am the bathroom cleaner. And, I try to keep the living room picked up.

I feel ya - I'm in a one bedroom too and it's hard to not have it looking messy for long!

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

i leave it where it is until he cleans it up. It works sometimes. Sometimes I clean it up.

I usually say that you live here too and I would be embarrased to have anyone over with this crap around.

I'm not your maid.

I also hired a cleaning person a few years ago. Now we have to clean up before the cleaning lady comes.

DH didn't want to get a cleaning person because "his mom never had one". Well, she didn't work two jobs and never had a house..2 bedroom one bath apartments are not the same as a whole hosue although that's enough to clean!

Glad we cleared that up but it took a long time.

Next time he doesn't clean something up or put it away, throw it away. Like if he leaves his shoes somewhere for days...throw them away..tell him you will do that with everything he leaves around..do it once, I betcha he stops doing it.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

I'm in the same situation as you and we are working on it

I go to work at 8am and come home by 6:30pm on a good day - if I don't have to run errands

then I am expected to clean, I don't cook- I brought home a indoor grill and he makes his own dinner

I take care of the Pets- cleaning the litter box, feeding, cleaning up messes

then I work on my side business

I asked him the other what he does- and all he could say was go to work (might I add- when ever he wants, for as long as he wants- he goes in around 12pm and comes home around 6pm- must be nice)

so he empty the dishwasher

baby steps- his mother told him boys don't clean- so I have not had the easiest time with this either

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

It is interesting that my boss and I were talking about this earlier this morning. Our husbands are like yours.

With my DH, I think a lot stems from his mom (even though I love her!). She was home when he was growing up and she did everything for him. When I really get mad at him about this stuff, I tell him "You know, I am not your mother." And then he seems to get it (at least for a little while).

I've also tried begging, pleading, asking nicely. None of it works.

DH isn't so bad with dishes, but he will leave clothes all.over.the.house. I finally stopped picking up after him. I told him that I was fully capable of putting my dirty clothes down in our laundry room and so was he. If he doesn't do it, his clothes don't get washed. Of course, he lets it stack up, so when I do have to wash it, it takes several loads. But I refuse to pick up after him.

Can you sit down and talk to him rationally about it (not when there is a specific incident like the donut box)? Tell him how it makes you feel and how hard you work. Guys don't get it. I've had to go out of town on a couple of occasions for a week, and when DH has to be responsible for ALL of the household chores, then the little light bulb comes on. Of course, he is helpful for about 2 weeks after I return, then it goes back to normal, but at least he sees how much I really do.

Good luck. It is a tough situation to be in.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too

You need to NAG the crap out of him. Personally, I am married to a neat freak so I don't have your problem. But I know couples who the wife cleans up after the husband. If you do it, he'll just keep leaving stuff around because he knows you will clean it.

DO NOT pick up after him anymore. You need to drill it into him until he behaves. That's what DH did to me. And it worked. My apartment is spotless. I learned how to live like him. I was never dirty, but now I'm a neat freak too. And I actually like it. If you keep everything in it's place there is no mess to clean up.

Re: I need to vent if no one minds...advice would be good too