IF is crazy making, not just baby making :)

What are some of the crazy things you have done in this IF journey? Have you had a moment where you just lost it? Made a "who cares" decision and took off to the Bahamas or ran away?

I am trying to step back from the 2 year intensity of it all and laugh...laugh at myself, at the absurdity of all the sonos, the bloodwork, the charting, the rules, meds, needles, exams, surgeries, early wake up calls, patches, catheters....you get the point.

I think this IF changes people...it has changed me for ever and I am now seeing how much stronger it has made me and I am finally becoming level headed about it. But boy I have done crazy and irrational and acted out too.

My worst moment: texted my brother 2 hours after his son was born ANGRY about the name they chose as it was the same as my dogs name and that is the ONLY baby that I have......and how could they be so insensitive......eih. I still think its insensitive but the fact that I was a blubbering mess for hours, distraught over this little guy being born and named was definitely the IF talking.

My stupidest moment: booked a cruise last minute to get away from the IF journey, paid a fortune and it rained at every Island we visited. What a waste of money. Lesson learned: you can't run and there are cheaper ways to catch a break.

Re: IF is crazy making, not just baby making :)

My stupidest moment: My refrigerator broke and I was grilling DH at 1:00am about how he just doesn't care that we don't have a refrigerator. That waiting until the weekend to buy one is very insensitive to me. I went on and on and on. Hysterical mind you. Then just went into hysterical laughter and apologized.

My worst moment: There are a few. I think it was every feeling of jealousy and hate towards people who get pregnant around me with ease. I feel like I was turning into a monster. Every announcement made me into a bitter asshole. I have since turned that feeling into a little bit of jealousy with a whole lot of gratefulness that they are just another person lucky enough to not have to struggle with IF.

I never thought in a million years that I would be here. Never. And by here I mean after 2.5 years still childless. I always made the assumption that it wouldn't be easy for me just because nothing has ever been easy for me. But I did think, I hoped and KNEW it would eventually happen and I'd be a mother. Especially with all the treatments. Looks like thats a BF-NO

I will say, I am glad to be done with all of that. Not glad I didn't reach the goal, but glad to be done. I'm slowly getting my old life back and learning how to say YES to things. I used to say no to weekend trips or anything that would take me away from my "Schedule" bc I never knew when I'd be stimming, etc.
But I have been changed forever. That much I know.

Message edited 2/7/2014 8:46:28 AM.

IF is crazy making, not just baby making :)

I have so many of all these moments to even recall them. IF does change you...even now that I have a child...I'm forever changed by what I went through to get her.

Re: IF is crazy making, not just baby making :)

I didn't really talk to my SIL for a few months after she announced her pregnancy. It was a really bad decision.

Re: IF is crazy making, not just baby making :)

The one thing I've noticed a lot more now that we've been going through treatments for so long, is how much I've had to put off because of IF. Like having to cut back on so many things in order to be able to save money for a cycle. We are going to do our taxes next week, and I gathered up all of our receipts from this year for IF. Total is $7850. I know it isn't much compared to others, but for me and my husband, that is a nice weeklong trip away together that we haven't gone on since our honeymoon. Or a down payment for a new car that we need.

Also, I can not tell you how many times we've had to say no to certain events due to treatments. Having to cancel plans with friends because we have an early morning sono and blood the next morning, or leaving an event early because I forgot to bring my injections (happened to me the other night ). IF is a pain in the ass.

But on the positive side of it, I've seen so many success stories on here, and IRL that keeps my hopes up. And like Phyllis said, every pregnancy announcement means that one more person didn't have to suffer through what we're suffering through. OR one more person has beaten IF. And I know if I am ever blessed to become pregnant, I will never take for granted any sleepless night, excruciating pain, or explosive diaper that may happen. I will appreciate every single moment because I wanted and fought so hard for it.

IF is crazy making, not just baby making :)

Thanks so much everyone for sharing. Phyllis...what a tough road you have had...I am glad you find some peace in the fact that you have decided no more. Learning to live again, free from IF appts, meds, tracking, etc. can be scary and exciting. I have taken two several month periods off and it was such a treat.

The money: yes, its mindblowing what else could be done with it. I have paid over $20,000 in the past two years....that's a car. 3 trips to Italy. A totally landscaped back yard instead of the concrete jungle I have currently. It is such a gamble...and so far, no return on investment. Only time will tell....

I am also so happy when I see a positive on here because it does give me hope. And it is one less person suffering....

Thanks to all of you for all the support, insight and motivation to keep going and keep hoping. With gratitude.

IF is crazy making, not just baby making :)

IF has definitely hugely impacted my life - in every possible way. I will say I had a breakthrough yesterday. After 3+years of ttc, countless iuis and ivfs, I conceived my DD. She is now 2 and my everything. We recently tried for another and I jus dont have it in me anymore - financially and emotionally. Throughout the past 5+ years, everytime I heard of a pregnancy I had all the natural reactions - jealousy, anger, hatred, frustration, etc. However...last night a very dear friend announced she was pregnant and I was genuinely happy, even excited for her. As I told my mom and sister this morning, b/c i was so happy with myself, they said I am in the acceptance stage. It has taken me 5+ years to get here but I am finally accepting my path on this journey. I forgot to mention, no one but my immediate family knows about my journey BUT last night I shared for the first time and it felt wonderful...like a huge burdern has been lifted. I dont really know where I was/am going with this but that I have changed and grown so much through this journey. Part of me actually likes what I have become - a stonger, more confident and accepting woman/mother. Although I wish the heartache and defeat were not part of the iF package too.