I'm bummed, how would you feel?

So, I'm sure some of you have seen me say that we were not going to exchange gifts for christmas. I told DH that we couldn't afford it and I wanted to be sure DS had a nice christmas. So, it is totally my fault DH didn't get me anything bc I told him not to. I TOTALLY TOTALLY get that.

However, when his mom got back from vegas she gave us each $200...not christmas money...just extra cash bc we were supposed to go but couldn't afford DH taking the time off so she gave us some of her winnings. As soon as I got that $ I thought of DH and bought him a few small things...nothing crazy, nothing expensive...but things I thought he would like. He got me nothing...ok fine, my fault...but like...not even a handmade card from my son. I was a little hurt that he didn't think of me when he did get a little unexpected $...but again, I chalked it up to being my fault.

Well, today is my 30th birthday. About 2 months ago DH asked me what I wanted to do. I said "I don;t care what we do I just REALLY REALLY don't want to be home doing nothing on my 30th birthday" I told him I wanted to do something silly and playful like go skating or ice skating or have my birthday at my BIL's bounce house place. So, today he comes off the train with a bag in his hands...he bought himself $100 wireless headphones (used the $75 gift card his sister gave him)...not a card, no flowers, no plans, no dinner. He says to me while in the car "should I involve you in birthday plans?" so I said "um, you do realize my birthday is TODAY right?" and he says "well I was thinking of maybe putting something together this weekend so everyone can come" UMMMMMMM it's THURSDAY! people have made their plans already! NOW you're THINKING about MAYBE putting something together? We talked about this months ago. I'm sitting here with him across the room and a huge lump in my throat trying my hardest not to cry. It feels like this every birthday, every holiday. He puts ZERO effort into anything and I miss the days when holidays felt special or I felt special.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

first off...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!


I am so sorry you are going through this. The holiday thing I will say you cant be annoyed at. It was nice of you to use the money to buy him something but you cannot expect that in return. DH and I were just in that situation...we said no gifts, but he wanted a dvd so while i was at target i picked it up. nothing major and i gave it to him. he had nothing for me and i didnt care at all. we got some money from my grandmother for the holiday that we did not expect, and im glad he didnt use it to get me anything...id rather it go into the savings account.

in terms of what he did for your birthday...that stinks. i would definitely tell him how you feel - unless you think there is a chance he has a surprise party planned for the weekend and is trying to throw you off?

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

I remember some other things you have posted about your DH and I would recommend counseling about ALL of these issues.

If only for yourself, to start.

I don't want to add salt to your wounds, but he seems to not regard you as an equal part in your relationship for a lot of things.

You don't deserve that at all.

If you are not ready to do the counseling thing, I would write out all the things going on that are bothering you and have a serious heart to heart.



Happy birthday btw

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Yikes! First: Happy Birthday!!
Second, I would def be pissed at my DH about the birthday thing (not the Christmas thing because like you said, you told him not to buy anything). But, you clearly said you wanted to do something today. I'm sorry - men stink sometimes. Talk to him. Tell him how upset you feel, how you really wanted to do something tonight...See what happens.
Oh, and on a side note...I would also be pissed if my DH bought $100 headphones

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Talk to him and tell him how you feel.
Some men are like cavemen, they need to be clubbed over the head to understand things.

Happy Birthday !

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

I don't really think so bc me and my sis have plans to go see les mis and have lunch or dinner in the city this weekend and we were talking about tickets and times today and she pretty much gave me free reign over whatever time i want. If there was something planned she would have had the time all mapped out to get me back to LI in time. The asking if i should be involved fits his MO more than him planning anything secretive. He was probably hoping i would do all the planning and work and get everyone together so he wouldn't have to.

For the most part I'm not THAT bothered about christmas. I gave him gifts because he works and I don't and I felt he deserved something for being the breadwinner and supporting our family...I guess I just secretly hoped he would at least make me a card from my son or get me some stupid little meaningful bs gift. I'm not mad...but having him do a drawing or card or ornament with my son for me would have been nice.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Awww, I'm sorry-happy birthday though!

I wouldn't be mad about the Christmas thing...as far as the bday thing, is there any possibility that he has a surprise planned for you and is trying to throw you off?

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Not defending your dh AT ALL but some men are just plain clueless when it comes to gifts/birthdays. I would be hurt not to receive a card or flowers but does he always do this? If so, maybe it just the way he is kwim?


Happy Birthday

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Happy Birthday!

I would feel the exact same as you. I had a boyfriend for years in the past who was the same as your DH and I know how awful it is. You NEED to tell him how you feel. I also don't think counseling is a bad idea. I think it takes a lot to change this type of person but I hope if he truly understands how you feel that maybe he can grow and change. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would be tempted to get a few girlfriends and head to AC alone for the weekend, not sure if that's an option for you.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Posted by StaceyWill
Oh, and on a side note...I would also be pissed if my DH bought $100 headphones

I'm bummed, how would you feel?

I understand. You just would like some thought put into it. It sometimes takes them awhile to get it.

Tell dh how you feel. I had to and it made things better.

I was so upset on my bday. DS loves to celebrate and blow out candles and he didn't even get a cake or tell DS it was my birthday. I was devastated. He worked on his bday and DS called and sung to his voice mail and I know he loved it because he saved it and plays it now and then. It hurt not to be recognized.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Happy Birthday!!! I wish it was happier for you.

How would I feel? I'd feel the same way you do. I wouldn't mince words when I told my DH who I felt about how little thought he put into my birthday either. I'm sorry

edited to add - I don't buy the it's a guy thing or it takes some time to get it. Screw that. It's your birthday & he blew it. There are plenty of guys that know their wife's birthday is coming & make sure to have a present or celebration ready.

Message edited 12/27/2012 4:29:11 PM.

I'm bummed, how would you feel?

I'm so sorry. I'd be upset too. I hope it gets better.

Happy Birthday!

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Happy birthday!!! Sorry you are upset! Please don't be, because no matter what, hey, it's your birthday!!!

Now, rule #1 when dealing with men:

If you WANT something from a man don't expect it unless you TOLD him SPECIFICALLY what it is that you want, WHEN you would like it, or better yet send him a website link with references!

Give short, concise and very specific directions, remind the day before and hope for the best!

What do you want to do now to make yourself feel special? Tell him what it is and make it happen!

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Ugh I am so sorry. He really does sound totally clueless, especially since you told him forever ago that you wanted him to plan something.

Happy Birthday, I hope you enjoy that wine tonight and he surprises you with something this weekend.

BTW, I think it's totally fine if you tell him that LIF said he SUCKS for not even getting you a card today

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

he just asked me "what do you want to do tonight? Do you want to do anything?"

ugh...I just wish he would take some initiative!!! I don't want to say "well I want YOU to take me to dinner and I want YOU to take me here or there" It's pointless if *I* have to put all the thought and effort into planning my own day.

I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Happy Birthday!!!

Agreed with above - counseling for it may help (or may just aggravate him). Some guys need to constantly be told, so if you want a party - shoot him an email telling him - you want a party with x people at y place.... If you now know he won't buy you stuff, then don't buy him stuff - just buy for yourself .

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Posted by MrsMeloyellow

he just asked me "what do you want to do tonight? Do you want to do anything?"

ugh...I just wish he would take some initiative!!! I don't want to say "well I want YOU to take me to dinner and I want YOU to take me here or there" It's pointless if *I* have to put all the thought and effort into planning my own day.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Posted by MrsMeloyellow

he just asked me "what do you want to do tonight? Do you want to do anything?"

ugh...I just wish he would take some initiative!!! I don't want to say "well I want YOU to take me to dinner and I want YOU to take me here or there" It's pointless if *I* have to put all the thought and effort into planning my own day.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by MrsMeloyellow

he just asked me "what do you want to do tonight? Do you want to do anything?"

ugh...I just wish he would take some initiative!!! I don't want to say "well I want YOU to take me to dinner and I want YOU to take me here or there" It's pointless if *I* have to put all the thought and effort into planning my own day.

Honestly my response to him would be super sarcastic.

"It's my 30th birthday, what do YOU think I want, since I told you MONTHS ago I wanted to be out of the house on my birthday doing something fun?"

And then I'd get REALLY drunk.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Posted by MrsMeloyellow

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by MrsMeloyellow

he just asked me "what do you want to do tonight? Do you want to do anything?"

ugh...I just wish he would take some initiative!!! I don't want to say "well I want YOU to take me to dinner and I want YOU to take me here or there" It's pointless if *I* have to put all the thought and effort into planning my own day.

Honestly my response to him would be super sarcastic.

"It's my 30th birthday, what do YOU think I want, since I told you MONTHS ago I wanted to be out of the house on my birthday doing something fun?"

And then I'd get REALLY drunk.

well, I told him...and he said "well now I feel horrible" and it took every fiber of my being not to say "you should" I know that sounds mean...but we've been together for 12 years...this is not the first time we've been through this scenario. when he asked me that he had just opened up a window on his computer to see about roller skating. Am I crazy to feel like alost 5pm is probably not the time you want to START looking into where to take your wife for her 30th birthday? Should I have given him til the end of the day to FULLY disappoint me when we end up having grilled cheese and tomato soup by the tv for my 30th...because thats what was on the agenda? Then NOW when I say something it's "well of course I wanted to take you to dinner! I didn't really wanna have soup and sandwich for dinner' oh...how convenient...bc you even mentioned US (translate to *ME*) baking my own birthday cake. then he got all and went upstairs to shower...I guess now *I* was mean and made *HIM* feel awful.

it never fails...every year...

Message edited 12/27/2012 5:03:54 PM.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

It really sucks that he did this to you. I know not all men are like this, but I think a lot of them are - they just don't know how to make plans. I was talking to a good friend of mine about this last night. Her fiance never makes plans for them and it really frustates her. My DH goes away a LOT - camping and hunting weekends, motorcycle trips, etc. All I ever asked in return (starting 2 years ago) was that he plan ONE date for us. He finally did this summer - we went to dinner at the same restaurant we always go to and while we were there, he told me to look up on my phone what movie I wanted to go to and see what time it started - that's his idea of making a plan

I would be upset too, if I were you. But unlike you, I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut. If you can somehow put it behind you for tonight, try to go out and have fun. But I think at a later, calmer time, I would talk to him about your disappointment and needing to feel more important to him.

Re: I'm bummed, how would you feel?

Posted by chilltocam

He finally did this summer - we went to dinner at the same restaurant we always go to and while we were there, he told me to look up on my phone what movie I wanted to go to and see what time it started - that's his idea of making a plan

Message edited 12/27/2012 5:10:11 PM.