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munchkinbugs
My little loves!
Member since 1/06 8093 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
I moved to TX to be with my ex years ago. I felt the same way you did, but I went anyway. We weren't married so I had no obligation. It obviously didn't work out because I'm here.
But let me tell you it was the hardest 10 months of my life. It's very hard to move somewhere where the two of you know NOONE. I've done it and I work with someone who is going thru this right now, and it's hard for her as well.
If you move, it will be you resenting him instead of him resenting you. You have to follow your heart. I'm sure another opportunity will come along, here on the island. If this is how you really feel I'm sure he will understand.
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Posted 10/28/06 12:08 PM  |
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KateDevine
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Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
Name:
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Would your family follow you?? In my family, the older generation has a tendency to settle where the younger generation settle.
We talked about going to Florida about two years ago and my parents were open to moving down there too.
Marriage is a compromise, and I am not saying you should go, but remember to think about your marriage and what would be back for that part of your family. If your DH is ok with staying and looking for another job, then maybe staying is best, but if this is going to open up a lot of doors for your DH maybe you should go.
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| Posted 10/28/06 1:27 PM |
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conigs25
So in love with this kid!
Member since 5/06 11197 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Does your DH wanna go?
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| Posted 10/28/06 1:37 PM |
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Lanabean
Yoginis
Member since 11/05 9202 total posts
Name:
Lana
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by conigs25
Does your DH wanna go?
Honestly? I think so. He is scared to miss the opportunity and have it offered to someone else--and watch that person succeed. Succeed or fail. The position has no guarantee, but his boss is trying to tell him it has only an upside.
I don't know. I've been crying all day. He asked my dad--what would you do? My dad said: As a man, I'd want the business opportunity. As a father, I don't want to see my daughter leave.
So that was no help. Thanks, Dad...
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| Posted 10/28/06 3:11 PM |
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Eva Luna
Be kind...life's hard!
Member since 8/05 4750 total posts
Name:
God, bless & heal my DH, JenG's DH Rob & DebG
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by LRusso
He asked my dad--what would you do? My dad said: As a man, I'd want the business opportunity. As a father, I don't want to see my daughter leave.
So that was no help. Thanks, Dad...
Your dad was of help. It's just not what you want to hear!
Your DH is not your dad (obviously) so the "As a father, I don't want to see my daughter leave." part doesn't apply to him. That's just your dad telling Danny he'll miss you incredibly.
But this part "As a man, I'd want the business opportunity." is the advice for Danny.
It's the part that's telling him to go...but the second part says that he'll miss you.
It's incredibly hard. You have such an amazing family and I can only imagine how it would be to leave them behind.
I know you keep saying that there are no guarantees...but honestly, there are NEVER guarantees. With any job. There's always the chance that you'll fail, that the venture will fail, that it won't be succesful. BUT, if this is a major company & he's going to be set-up at the Chicago Exchange, I think that the chances of failure are small. He's not doing this for a tiny firm, he has a huge backing. And it's his current job at a managerial level, so it's not like he's going into something blindly and he won't know the job.
Also, it sounds like he really wants to do it. So, would going for his MBA in Chicago be an option? Let's say you decide to move, can you see it as a 2-3 year plan? If he moves and takes the job AND goes for his MBA, the chances of him coming back and doing that same type of job or even at a higher level in NY are GREAT. So even if the venture isn't succesful, he won't lose professionaly.
Personally, the loss will be family. But don't see it as a forever thing, see it as something for X amount of time...luckily, you can come back to NY and with the experience he'll gain, plus the degree, you guys will be in a better position than before you left.
And Chicago is not that far away...and it's a major city. Your parents and sister can visit often. Maybe even stay with you for a little bit as a mini-vacation.
Pray for clarity. Ask God to guide you. He never fails you or steers us wrong! 
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| Posted 10/28/06 3:24 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
but What type of opportunity is it?
More money? And if so, how much more?
More leadership? And if so, will it lead to a huge advancement?
To me, doesnt sound like an optiona dn if it were me, I would say no. I wouldnt leave my family if we made a decent income and were happy.
I think you should move away from family if you need to make more money to raise your kids etc....
Just my own opinion.
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| Posted 10/28/06 3:28 PM |
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Lanabean
Yoginis
Member since 11/05 9202 total posts
Name:
Lana
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by Eva Luna
Posted by LRusso
He asked my dad--what would you do? My dad said: As a man, I'd want the business opportunity. As a father, I don't want to see my daughter leave.
So that was no help. Thanks, Dad...
Your dad was of help. It's just not what you want to hear!
Your DH is not your dad (obviously) so the "As a father, I don't want to see my daughter leave." part doesn't apply to him. That's just your dad telling Danny he'll miss you incredibly.
But this part "As a man, I'd want the business opportunity." is the advice for Danny.
It's the part that's telling him to go...but the second part says that he'll miss you.
It's incredibly hard. You have such an amazing family and I can only imagine how it would be to leave them behind.
I know you keep saying that there are no guarantees...but honestly, there are NEVER guarantees. With any job. There's always the chance that you'll fail, that the venture will fail, that it won't be succesful. BUT, if this is a major company & he's going to be set-up at the Chicago Exchange, I think that the chances of failure are small. He's not doing this for a tiny firm, he has a huge backing. And it's his current job at a managerial level, so it's not like he's going into something blindly and he won't know the job.
Also, it sounds like he really wants to do it. So, would going for his MBA in Chicago be an option? Let's say you decide to move, can you see it as a 2-3 year plan? If he moves and takes the job AND goes for his MBA, the chances of him coming back and doing that same type of job or even at a higher level in NY are GREAT. So even if the venture isn't succesful, he won't lose professionaly.
Personally, the loss will be family. But don't see it as a forever thing, see it as something for X amount of time...luckily, you can come back to NY and with the experience he'll gain, plus the degree, you guys will be in a better position than before you left.
And Chicago is not that far away...and it's a major city. Your parents and sister can visit often. Maybe even stay with you for a little bit as a mini-vacation.
Pray for clarity. Ask God to guide you. He never fails you or steers us wrong!
Thanks, Sasha...I'm kind of crying, reading this, because what you say does make sense...I'm just so confused. He's like, "Let's go to dinner tonight and talk." I said no. He's like: "Uh oh. When you say no to dinner, I know you're sad."
Anyway, I don't know. How is your DH? You can FM me if you want.... thanks for advice. I certainly appreciate it.
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| Posted 10/28/06 3:30 PM |
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Lanabean
Yoginis
Member since 11/05 9202 total posts
Name:
Lana
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by dm24angel
but What type of opportunity is it?
More money? And if so, how much more?
More leadership? And if so, will it lead to a huge advancement?
To me, doesnt sound like an optiona dn if it were me, I would say no. I wouldnt leave my family if we made a decent income and were happy.
I think you should move away from family if you need to make more money to raise your kids etc....
Just my own opinion.
That's it, Donna. If it were a quality of life thing--yes. But we do very well. The money is basically on par.
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| Posted 10/28/06 3:31 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by LRusso
Posted by dm24angel
but What type of opportunity is it?
More money? And if so, how much more?
More leadership? And if so, will it lead to a huge advancement?
To me, doesnt sound like an optiona dn if it were me, I would say no. I wouldnt leave my family if we made a decent income and were happy.
I think you should move away from family if you need to make more money to raise your kids etc....
Just my own opinion.
That's it, Donna. If it were a quality of life thing--yes. But we do very well. The money is basically on par.
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| Posted 10/28/06 4:04 PM |
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KateDevine
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Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
Name:
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Without being too nosy, will your DH lose his current job if he doesn't take this one?
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| Posted 10/28/06 4:08 PM |
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Lanabean
Yoginis
Member since 11/05 9202 total posts
Name:
Lana
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by KateDevine
Without being too nosy, will your DH lose his current job if he doesn't take this one?
No. There are no repercussions--except his own "What ifs" and guilt....
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| Posted 10/28/06 4:34 PM |
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KateDevine
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Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
Name:
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by LRusso
Posted by KateDevine
Without being too nosy, will your DH lose his current job if he doesn't take this one?
No. There are no repercussions--except his own "What ifs" and guilt....
Ok. Honestly, if it were me, I would tell my DH that I would prefer to stay, but I would support what decision he felt he needed to make.
I don't know why, but I got the impression he'd lose his job here, since that isn't the case, the repercussions in the workplace aren't that bad.
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| Posted 10/28/06 4:41 PM |
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christy
Mommy of 2
Member since 5/05 6787 total posts
Name:
Christy
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Hey Lana,
I am so sorry that you are so torn up about this. Is there any possible way that he can go for a trial period and see if he likes it? You can stay in your home without selling it just yet, and visit on weekends until you know if it is a permanent move that should be made? I know it sounds crazy, but if it doesn't work he can come right back...and if he likes it you can join him out there. This way you don't have to risk your job and home and family right away....It isn't ideal, but it might feel like less of a gamble this way.
Christy
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| Posted 10/28/06 5:46 PM |
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Shanti
True love
Member since 6/05 12653 total posts
Name:
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
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| Posted 10/28/06 5:52 PM |
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Lucky09
2017!
Member since 1/06 7536 total posts
Name:
DW
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
I have a lot to tell you Lana, mainly because I moved for my DH away from LI (he no longer works for the NYPD).
The past 9 months since I moved have been the hardest in my life. We moved because my DH wanted to explore another opportunity for more $$$ and I couldn't deal with the fact that he kept telling me we couldn't afford to buy a house or have kids if we stayed on LI.
We moved far enough away that we need to take a plane to get home (or drive an entire day) and to a city where we had one(!) acquaintance. I guess I never really considered how much of a "home-body" I am before I agreed to move. I have never been more lonely in my life. My DH works off hours and I am home Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights by myself. I have met some nice people, but I really believe that no one replaces the people you have grown up with.
I hate to say it, but I resent him for taking me away from all of them. No big beautiful house will fill the void of people you love not being there to come over. I was really depressed in the beginning and it drove a wall between us. I guess he blamed himself for making me so miserable.
This led to a lot of other problems that I don't want to go into here...
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that if you are this opposed to it now, you are NOT going to be happy living anywhere else. I wasn't completely opposed to it - and I am miserable now, and I would hate to see you in my shoes.
Sorry this was so long but having been through it - I really wanted to offer my perspective... Good luck with this - I know it is really hard.
Message edited 10/28/2006 6:19:14 PM.
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| Posted 10/28/06 6:10 PM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by christy
Hey Lana,
I am so sorry that you are so torn up about this. Is there any possible way that he can go for a trial period and see if he likes it? You can stay in your home without selling it just yet, and visit on weekends until you know if it is a permanent move that should be made? I know it sounds crazy, but if it doesn't work he can come right back...and if he likes it you can join him out there. This way you don't have to risk your job and home and family right away....It isn't ideal, but it might feel like less of a gamble this way.
Christy
This I agree with. Maybe for a 3 month period of time, He can fly home on the weekends. He can see if it really looks promising or if it's flops. I have worked with many executives that do this when working on a project. How can they expect him to uproot everything for unknowns. They need to be flexible.
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| Posted 10/28/06 6:24 PM |
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johnsae
Sip.
Member since 3/06 18677 total posts
Name:
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
I'm all about gut feelings. If you are this upset now then perhaps it is a premonition of things to come if you were to move. I'm sorry, Lana, I hope that you can make a decision that you all come to terms with and that you are all happy with in the end
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| Posted 10/28/06 6:45 PM |
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AimeeE2006
Time flies!
Member since 1/06 5698 total posts
Name:
Aimee
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
I have no advice. But lots of
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| Posted 10/28/06 11:34 PM |
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steph4777
**************
Member since 5/05 11726 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
It's a tough decision to have to make so quickly. Unless you have career obligations that require you to be in NY, I would really consider it. Maybe negotiate with the boss that you guys visit Chicago for a couple of days before you give him a definite answer. You can also stay behind in NY for a few months, while DH works in Chicago.
I'll say that moving away from family is not the end of the world.... I moved to chicago fresh out of college, with no family or friends here. It was a tough decision, but I needed to try something new. The first 6 months were the hardest, but it got better. Now, I'm actually OK about living here. Do I miss my family, of course but I see them at least 6-8 times a year. It's not that far from NY -less than 2hr flight. Most of the time I can get a ticket for $98 roundtrip on Southwest.
Chicago has two of the top MBA programs - Northwestern and U of Chicago. Either of these programs and the new job opportunity could mean great things for your DH professionally.
Good Luck with your decision
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| Posted 10/29/06 1:11 AM |
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SuzyQ
Mama to 3!?!?!?
Member since 7/06 8069 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Another LI transplant to Chicago chiming in here...
I completely understand why you don't want to move. It is a very tough decision. I'm still not clear if Dh can still go for his MBA if you move. If not, you two are giving up even more. I think Steph already said this, but Chicago is very accessible. I know it is not nearly the same, but Southwest runs tons of flights to Islip and we have gotten excellent deals ($39 each way.) It also is a great city. We really love it here. I haven't been through a winter yet though.
The move has not been easy for me, but we are really happy here. It sounds like a really tough decision for you and my advice is to let yourself be upset about it for a couple of days and then try to think about it rationally with a clear head. I know it will be hard and the pressure's on since you need to make a decision very soon. For me, DH & I just talked and talked and talked about it. Our situation was very different because it was a very big difference in $$$ and it was a job he's wanted for a very long time.
Good luck with your decision.
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| Posted 10/29/06 6:05 AM |
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klingklang77
kraftwerk!
Member since 7/06 11486 total posts
Name:
Völlig losgelöst
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by MrsNYPDsGirl
I have a lot to tell you Lana, mainly because I moved for my DH away from LI (he no longer works for the NYPD).
The past 9 months since I moved have been the hardest in my life. We moved because my DH wanted to explore another opportunity for more $$$ and I couldn't deal with the fact that he kept telling me we couldn't afford to buy a house or have kids if we stayed on LI.
We moved far enough away that we need to take a plane to get home (or drive an entire day) and to a city where we had one(!) acquaintance. I guess I never really considered how much of a "home-body" I am before I agreed to move. I have never been more lonely in my life. My DH works off hours and I am home Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights by myself. I have met some nice people, but I really believe that no one replaces the people you have grown up with.
I hate to say it, but I resent him for taking me away from all of them. No big beautiful house will fill the void of people you love not being there to come over. I was really depressed in the beginning and it drove a wall between us. I guess he blamed himself for making me so miserable.
This led to a lot of other problems that I don't want to go into here...
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that if you are this opposed to it now, you are NOT going to be happy living anywhere else. I wasn't completely opposed to it - and I am miserable now, and I would hate to see you in my shoes.
Sorry this was so long but having been through it - I really wanted to offer my perspective... Good luck with this - I know it is really hard.
I feel like I could have written this. I am another LI transplant living in Sydney. Right now I am in a really tough phase. We have his family and friends here and I have made a few friends from work so that is good. But it still doesnt replace the friends and family i have back home. What makes it more difficult is that I cant just go home for a weekend, b/c the plane flight is 22 hours. I cant talk to my family everyday, b/c of the time difference. I talk to my mom every week or every other week. I am closer with my family than his and his family has done nothing to really ease this. They havent even invited us over for dinner since we have been married (three months) and I have had them over for dinner once and tea and cake another time.
Chicago isnt that far, you can fly home for a weekend, you can talk to your family everyday. I think once you get there, the first few months will be hard, but then it will get easier and you will develop your own life. I think it would be good if he can try the job out first. Maybe you can go with him for a week and see how you like it.
Good luck to you
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| Posted 10/29/06 6:54 AM |
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MrsPorkChop
Twinning!!
Member since 5/05 9941 total posts
Name:
Missy
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
aww lana im sorry you are so upset sweetie. i feel so bad that you are taking this decisoin so hard.
can they give him a time frame then allow him the option to come back to ny if he wants to??
i always told dh, we have no children we can move anywhere- make a ton of $ - and come back if we want to. depending on who makes the household money, in our house at least, that is who dictates where to live.
i cant tell you how much i loved chicago when i visited. i absolutely loved it. its like a decaffinated nyk. cleaner, friendlier and sooo many cool activites to do! you would not have any problems making friends or meeting people. the shoping is out of this world and the restaurants are absolutely amazing. plus all the crate and barrel stores! duh! i can actually say that if dh got a high paying job in chicago i personally would jump on it.
its not that far sweetie- its like a 2 hours plane ride! and you can even drive it!!!
you should see how cool it is- the lake is there- it looks like an ocean and you go to the beach and the city is behind you. its just so cool! and so many fun things to do.
awesome areas to find a place to live- there are a ton of great little areas to live- up and coming - and you will have no problem getting a great house townhouse or condo there.
please do yoursenf and dh a favor and try to visit before making this decision. try to see what chicago has to offer before totally rejecting it. just do that for him. i think you will have a different opinion of it after seeing it!!
just remember that song- youre my home by billy joel-
"whenever were together your my home...home can be the pennsylvania turnpike- indiana's early morning dew..high up in the hills of california..home is just another word for you."
definitely rings true for me and my dh
COOL CHICAGO PICTURE SLIDESHOW
EXAMPLE OF AN AWESOME CONDO RIGHT IN THE HEART OF THE CITY
Message edited 10/29/2006 7:39:55 AM.
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| Posted 10/29/06 7:07 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
I know for me I would go. I wouldn't want my husband to look at someone else either succeed or fail and think "That could have been me." or "I could have made that a success." I would be sad too but would look at it as a 2-3 year option - which if you're working too will go quicker than you think. Then when the deadline that we have given ourselves is up, sit down for a talk & see how we both feel.
Love & family transcends distance. Also Chicago isn't as far as you think.
Good luck!
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| Posted 10/29/06 7:24 AM |
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lilacwine
only love...
Member since 5/05 2034 total posts
Name:
<3
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Go -- it sounds like a great opportunity and that your DH will suffer professionally if he passes it up. If it doesn't work out, you can always move back to NY.
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| Posted 10/29/06 7:43 AM |
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Lanabean
Yoginis
Member since 11/05 9202 total posts
Name:
Lana
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Re: I'm just beside myself about this move to Chicago thing
Posted by MrsNYPDsGirl
I have a lot to tell you Lana, mainly because I moved for my DH away from LI (he no longer works for the NYPD).
The past 9 months since I moved have been the hardest in my life. We moved because my DH wanted to explore another opportunity for more $$$ and I couldn't deal with the fact that he kept telling me we couldn't afford to buy a house or have kids if we stayed on LI.
We moved far enough away that we need to take a plane to get home (or drive an entire day) and to a city where we had one(!) acquaintance. I guess I never really considered how much of a "home-body" I am before I agreed to move. I have never been more lonely in my life. My DH works off hours and I am home Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights by myself. I have met some nice people, but I really believe that no one replaces the people you have grown up with.
I hate to say it, but I resent him for taking me away from all of them. No big beautiful house will fill the void of people you love not being there to come over. I was really depressed in the beginning and it drove a wall between us. I guess he blamed himself for making me so miserable.
This led to a lot of other problems that I don't want to go into here...
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that if you are this opposed to it now, you are NOT going to be happy living anywhere else. I wasn't completely opposed to it - and I am miserable now, and I would hate to see you in my shoes.
Sorry this was so long but having been through it - I really wanted to offer my perspective... Good luck with this - I know it is really hard.
Thanks for your honesty. What you are saying is exactly what I fear. That I'll be so lonely, I'll turn into a shell of my former self. Dan is my family, yes...but so are my parents and sister. And friends. We have very full lives here.
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| Posted 10/29/06 8:11 AM |
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