I'm New and am looking for advice

Hi everyone! My name is Michelle and I am new to this. I have 2 kids Liz 9 and Jake just turned 7 on Saturday. I have been married for almost 12 years and have been with my husband for 14 years.

I was told this was the best place to go for opions on in-law issues. So here is my problem....

On Saturday I had a BBQ for my son's 7th birthday. My 2 sister in laws and there families could not attend due to other plans which is fine. My problem is that my sister-in-law Debbie who was camping called Jake from her trip to wish him a happy b-day which was Great!! Now Lisa (the other inlaw) who was home never called. Now I have had issues with Lisa for 14 years so this is really nothing new for me but explaining it to my 7 year old really has thrown me over the edge. So while my Mother-in-law was leaving the BBQ I told her Lisa didn't call and I had asked her to talk to her about it and she refused. She said her job as a parent is over and there is nothing she can do about it!!!! Well I hit the ceiling. I thought once you're a parent u are always a parent and I know my mother would definitly tell me if I did something wrong even now. My problem is that I am suppose to go to her house on Sunday for her kids birthdays and I don't want to because it might get ugly.

I am so angry I don't know what to do...my husband says I'm being ridiculous but she has hurt my child and I have forgiven her so many time I can't even count them. I am just so done. My point is I still think my mother-in-law should be a mom and tell her daughter but she won't. My husband called her and she has not called back so do I go on Sunday or not??

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

I would go to the party. You should not take out your fustrations with their mother on the kids.

That would be equal to her not calling for dc's birthday.


I would approach your sil and tell her the conversation you had with your child and leave it at that.

Some people are so self-absorbed and nothing you say or do will change them.

GL

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

First of all, welcome!

Sorry, I think in this case you are wrong. Lisa is an adult and there is no reason your MIL should be involved in this at all. I'd be fuming if my SIL had a problem with me and told my mom to talk to me about it, instead of coming to me directly!

I would go to the birthday party - it's about her kids, not about her, and I think to keep the peace in the family you need to be the bigger person here. It's not fun, but it's for your husband's benefit and teaches your children how to be kind. What good would it do to not go and punish her kids, who have done nothing wrong?

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

definitely understand you being upset with your sil and you are right- but I can understand your MIL not wanting to get in the middle either- you should talk to your sil directly

I also agree with the pp- I would go to the party and not discuss it then- hold it for a later date- if you do the right thing, maybe she will catch on

Message edited 6/23/2010 9:28:40 AM.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Welcome!!!

A question for you... did your son notice she didn't call or did he notice everyone talking about it therefore you had to explain?

I wouldn't be mad at MIL for not intervening. You're all adults, you should handle it as such. Including going to the party for her kid and not starting any drama or letting her start any while you are there.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Message edited 6/23/2010 9:43:08 AM.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

I can see how you are upset, but I think your anger at your MIL is misplaced. In this case, she is correct on her stance on parenting. In situations like that, she shouldnt have to speak to her, or intervene on your behalf.

If you are upset YOU should talk to your SIL, or maybe your DH. Its definitely not fair to put your MIL in the middle. So while I can see why you are upset with your SIL, your MIL is right. I would apologize to her for putting her in the middle if in fact you did flip out on her.

ETA: I would also go to the party, if you feel hurt by her slighting your son on his bday, why do the same to your niece or nephew? I would suck it up and discuss it beforehand or afterwards but not during the party at all.

Message edited 6/23/2010 9:49:34 AM.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

I, personally, think you are way over thinking this one. Yoru son actually realized that his Aunt didn't call? My nephew is 6 and we're lucky he remembers to wear pants! To ME-not a big deal at all.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

OK, let me answer your poll question first. You asked if your job as a parent is done when the kids leave the house. I think that your role as a parent changes when the kids leave the house. You are not really responsible for taking care of their day to day needs anymore, but you are still there as emotional support and for anything else that they may need.

I am very sorry that you were upset about MIL and SIL. Personally, I don't think that it is MIL job to say anything to SIL. She is a grown adult and I think your MIL has every right to tell you she is not getting involved. If you have issue with the fact that SIL didn't call, it should be brought up by you directly to her.

Like other posters, I would also go to the party because it is a party for the kids and the adult disagreement shouldn't have anything to do with it.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Your MIL is right. Her daughter is a grown adult with a family of her own, its NOT your MILS "job" to continue to "parent" an adult.

Grown-up = parents job is done

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Posted by nov04libride

Posted by DRMom

I, personally, think you are way over thinking this one. Yoru son actually realized that his Aunt didn't call? My nephew is 6 and we're lucky he remembers to wear pants! To ME-not a big deal at all.

ITA. I really don't think your son would have been upset about her not calling unless you made a big deal about it.

I'd let it go--it sounds like this really has to do with other issues you have with her and not about not calling a 7 year old.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Posted by headoverheels

First of all, welcome!

Sorry, I think in this case you are wrong. Lisa is an adult and there is no reason your MIL should be involved in this at all. I'd be fuming if my SIL had a problem with me and told my mom to talk to me about it, instead of coming to me directly!

I would go to the birthday party - it's about her kids, not about her, and I think to keep the peace in the family you need to be the bigger person here. It's not fun, but it's for your husband's benefit and teaches your children how to be kind. What good would it do to not go and punish her kids, who have done nothing wrong?

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

If this was the first thing Lisa had done I would have let it go but its not. She started a fight at my sons christening, did not go to my daughters 1st birthday because she was angry we did not sign up for amway. She never came to anything we had until she had children of her own and to many other things to list. I have been the bigger person for 12 years and I have had enough. I am sending my family to the party I am just not attending for the best interest of everyone else. I have a bad temper and I know I will blow a gasket. After everything I have forgiven but not forgotten I am done. I thought things had changed but I was wrong.

My son did not make a big deal because I did he was upset and thats when I got ******. To repeatly hurt my children is unacceptable to me when I go out of my way to forgive her more than once for the sake of the kids and I get no respect in return just makes it worse.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Hi and welcome!!! I won't repeat anything posted previously, just add that I agree. MIL is correct to stay the heck out of this mess. It's between you and SIL, and *only* you two.

I also agree with Melissa, that it seems odd to me that a 7yo would even be *aware* that someone didn't call, but if you say he was, then that's ok. It's easily explained just tell him Aunt Lisa was working but she told me to give you a big hug and a kiss for your big birthday. Problem 1 solved.

Also if you've been forgiving not forgetting for 12 years, this beef with SIL is 5 years older than your little guy. The two of you may need to sit down and hash it out as adults and not let the kids be pawns in this; the kids deserve a clean slate relationship with their families regardless of what went/goes down between all of you.

My radar is up that DH is not united with you on this; he may see it as no big deal, or he may just accept his sister' shortcomings I don't know... but I'd be wary of making him "choose" one side over the other, that could get very heated.

Staying home from the party is probably the best idea right now, if you're still smarting from her absence and feel you couldn't be gracious, so I agree with that.

What it comes down to is... do you want to mend the relationship or not? IF you want to - for yourself and/or your kids - there are ways to go about that, if you don't, then every family occasion will be tainted with bad feeling, it's as simple as that... I've seen this play out in my own family and it's a pity. Still, you can't change *anyone* out there, only how you deal with it. So while it sucks to have a family member who's so flaky, you can learn to lower your expectations A LOT to avoid the inevitable disappointment and bad feeling. I have found it *really* works once you decide to do it.

Re: I'm New and am looking for advice

Welcome!

I think you should go to the party ~ be the bigger person. I think you should discuss with your sil that your child was hurt by her not calling and that your dc's feelings were hurt.

Good Luck!