stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

Hi All,

Sorry to vent, but I have no one else to really talk to and the more I "talk" about it, the more upset I get.. I am looking for some advice, hugs, whatever you can offer!

DH and live OOS and only have one set of friends close by, who also have two kids, and that's it.. Since DS has been born, our first child, which we have been so blessed!! It has been so hard on me and DH. we have received little/no help from either side of the family and have been doing everything pretty much on our own. I know that many people are in our situation, but my mom promised and said she would come to help for a few days, and has only come twice since DS was born in August. DS has been having some trouble with reflux/gas and it's really starting to take a tole on me and DH. Plus, we are the godparents for my nephew and have had to do a lot for that christening the end of Oct. ugh. I am sorry, I am just so sad, upset and just frustrated. I am with him all day and I just want to enjoy the time I have with him before I go back to work and I feel so guilty that I am frustrated. Is this normal? For those OOS mommy's, what did you do to get some help? Help with cleaning the house, etc. I have used my slow cooker to make us food, but I just have no time to sleep b/c DS is either up, or I have something to do b/c I have such limited time.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long... just a sad, guilty mommy who's looking for some advice, or anything!!!

TIA!

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

I live in NJ and my familiy lives on LI (inlaws are in AZ). I moved there when the kids were 15 months and 2 months (twins). I felt alone etc too...

It WILL get better, I promise....

As for cleaning the house, let it go. So what if the rugs are not vaccuumed. So what if you eat frozen opizza the next couple of weeks.

Tell the parents of your godchild that you are overwhelmed and can only help prepare in alimited capacity. I am sure they will understand.

Things will get better once you get into a routine. I promise.....

Do you live in NJ?

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

The first few months are the worst!!! it does get beter.

To make me feel better I read The girlfriends guide to survivng the 1st year of motherhood!! It made me feel like I wasnt going crazy

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

I feel your pain. I am not an OOS mom, but all our relatives that live close by are very 'hands off'. It was extremely difficult with my first child. She was colic and I hardly got any sleep for 3 mos. I think I spent a good portion of my maternity leave crying.

Honesty...I didn't worry about cleaning or cooking. You should only worry about two things...taking care of your baby and taking care of yourself.

If DH can take over when he gets home from work...just so you can take a power nap, that would help in a big way. Maybe you can find a local teen, a neighbor perhaps, that you can pay to help you with the baby so you can get things done.

I used to hate hearing "it gets better"...but the truth is, it does. Hang in there! And don't be afraid to call your Mom and say I DESPERATELY need you to come visit.

Good luck!

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

My parents live OOS and DH family is absolutely no help. I agree that the first few months are the toughest. I agree with the PP that the cleaning can kind of sit on the back burner a bit. But if you are anything like me--that will drive you batty. One of the things I did was to tackle one room a day. So cleaning one room a day would take me about 15 minutes....not too much time. In reference to the cooking, I do a crock pot meal on Saturday and Sunday and then make 2 meals for the week. I sometimes will freeze some as well and take it out when I need it. I make a meatloaf and also use that during the week. We also order out once a week and make sure we order enough for left overs. Meals were top on my priority list because I don't want my family just eating crap that I throw together last minute. This way I cook when DH is home on the weekend and he can lend a hand. If your DH can't help, I would see about getting a Mother's helper for a couple of hours on a weekend so you can get some things done. Not sure what state you live in but you can usually contact your High School and ask if they can recommend a student for such a job.

It will get better though...promise! Hang in there!!

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

I am not OOS but I don't have any help (partly by choice). I can relate to all that you have said. I know what you mean, it's hard to feel like you are enjoying your DC when you feel so tired and stressed. I don't have ANY advice, just a btdt. And still have many days like that but it does get better as they get older, more self sufficient.

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

I feel your pain, I really do DH and I live in the Philly area - far away from my family, who isn't all that helpful to begin with, and even farther away from his family in Israel, who ARE helpful and I adore, but not around most of the time. And on top of that, our first child, Alex, had colic for up to 6 months.

It was the darkest time of my life - I fully admit it. I cried every day with her and I thought sometimes that I really would lose my mind. And yes, it took a serious, serious toll on our marriage.

But, eventually, she came out of the colic and started sleeping better - at that point I started to reclaim myself a little, and started focusing again on my marriage. And after struggling SO hard that first year, we made it through and were that much stronger and closer because of it.

Just try to take it one day at a time - it's hard, but I promise you that it WILL get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe in a few weeks, or even a few months, but just hang in there because eventually he'll get better, stop fussing so much and start sleeping better. In the meantime, if you reach your breaking point, remember that it's OK to step back for a moment - he won't die from crying - put him in his crib and go take a hot shower to drown out the cries so you can gather yourself again.

And ask for help - maybe not from your family, but whatever friends you have around you - in those early months I had a very close knit group of friends who would come over and babysit Alex so I could go out with DH on special occasions - and after she started going to daycare, at 3 months, we started using one of her teachers as a babysitter.

Hang in there - you'll survive!

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

We live OOS as well. When DS was born I too was promised the sun moon and stars in terms of help from both my parents and my in-laws. Well, they like your family have lives and are busy so they came out only a handful of times. It was overwhelming at first. What I ended up doing was hiring a cleaning woman to come twice a month. For the first two weeks after DS was born (and now with DD) I have a baby nurse for the first two weeks. It is hard. But it will get easier. Try to establish a routine and take a mommy and me class. Good luck!

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

It does get better...the first few months are really rough

Re: stressed new mommy looking for hugs/advice

it's very hard at first-- and it is very isolating especially for a new mother.

I live in NJ (barely, just outside of Manhattan) and both of our families are on LI. Everyone is close, but not really close enough. When they come-- they are here for like 2 hours and want to play with the baby, but then I gotta nurse her, or do things for her, that are just easier to do myself than explain. So, even when there are people here-- it's still hard!

I will only say that it gets easier, you learn to deal with everything better and you learn more about what your baby needs so you are not always so confused. I am still in a place where I don't know what each day will bring- as DD has no nap schedule, takes short naps, etc., and I definitely lose it every now and then.

I would order in, heat up frozen food, get a cleaning lady every now and then and just try to let the small stuff go and focus on the baby. Myabe have your DH take a day or two off from work here and there, so you can get a little rest.