I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

I'm trying very hard to let DH find his way with Logan and not step all over him.

He's been helpful with diaper changes, etc. but I feel like I'm doing everything.

For the last 3 nights DH's come home at 6 or later after promising to be home early to help me out since we have company this weekend.

And each night I hand him DS so I can get some things done.

He plays with him, but if Logan cries, DH just sits there with him saying "what's wrong?" He doesn't try to walk around with him or put him in a different position.

He just lets him cry and cry. Until I say "try this" or I take Logan from him - which I try REALLY hard not to do but after 15 minutes of him crying I'm losing it.

Then DH proceeds to fall asleep on the couch at 8-9 o'clock. Sometimes with Logan IN HIS LAP. Leaving me to shut everything down, put DS to bed, etc.

I would understand if he were taking the night feedings or if I were napping all day or something, but we are up at the same time in the mornings and I'm going to bed later than him each night.

Not to mention that I have the f-ing steroids and pumping to deal with right now.

And I haven't showered in 2 days.

Tonight I cleaned the entire house, pumped and fed DS, did all the laundry, made dinner, put DS to bed and printed the damn BINGO cards for tonight (the only semi-social thing we do together) and where is DH?

Asleep.

While I was putting DS to bed, DH came upstairs and got into bed, turned off the lights and went to sleep.

I'm pi$$ed.

Oh and did I mention he's SMOKING again. Yep. Neck tumor be damned. DS be damned. Promises to me be damned.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Oh boy, sounds like DH is doing the invisible fetal position. I have a theory that when men become fathers, they sooner or later realize that they are actually responsible for someone other than themselves now, and do the "invisible fetal position". I say invisible because they'd never let you know that on the inside they're just a big, scared baby trying to hide from responsibility. My husband did it and I'm sure plenty of hubbies do it, too.
That's the bad news.
The good news is this: When faced with no choice, JT learned to take care of Ava all by himself and does it everyday now while I work. But it literally took me leaving the house without him or the baby for him to actually have to do it. You are the safety net, whether you like it or not. If you are there, he will always assume you will take care of any real problems. I say get out of the house and leave him with the baby. Even if you take a walk by yourself everyday when he gets home, gradually he'll learn that he needs to get his act together. But you have to be willing to let him do that. I know that in the beginning, I said I wanted JT to do more, but when he did it, I criticized him constantly, even when I thought I wasn't. I finally backed off and he's amazing now. Hang in there and let him find his way.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

ITA with Rachel. It took me going out to dinner for 3 hours with some girlfriends and leaving him alone with baby for the 1st time for DH to REALLY appreciate how HARD it is to stay home with a newborn all day. I was lucky that he was always helpful but it really didn't GET IT until I left him alone. I got home that night and he just looked at me and said "I don't know how you do this all day, every day" HTH

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

It is so hard to find your way in the beginning. I know this isn't going to help clean your house but the best way to deal with it is to leave him with the baby.

DH used to ask me what was wrong, what he should do or just give me back the baby the minute crying started. I began to resent it. Finally I started leaving the house, going out, grocery shopping at night, anything. It gave him more confidence taking care of the baby.

Don't get me wrong - I still did the bulk of the work. Ok almost all of the work. Walking in the door from work, feeding the baby immediately, cleaning the bottles for the day, laundry, etc. Then I realized I never asked him to help me. I began saying "Can you help me & wash the daycare bottles while I feed the baby?" Sure I could have washed them afterwards but to feed the baby & then wash bottles while he sat on the couch made me want to wring his neck.

It didn't always go smoothly, but it did get better.

Oh & he smoked through Josephs' bouts of RSV, croup, & every respiratory issue under the sun. He did stop on his own. Nothing I could say or do would work. He had to be ready on his timetable, not mine...and boy did I hate that.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by prncss

Oh boy, sounds like DH is doing the invisible fetal position. I have a theory that when men become fathers, they sooner or later realize that they are actually responsible for someone other than themselves now, and do the "invisible fetal position". I say invisible because they'd never let you know that on the inside they're just a big, scared baby trying to hide from responsibility. My husband did it and I'm sure plenty of hubbies do it, too.
That's the bad news.
The good news is this: When faced with no choice, JT learned to take care of Ava all by himself and does it everyday now while I work. But it literally took me leaving the house without him or the baby for him to actually have to do it. You are the safety net, whether you like it or not. If you are there, he will always assume you will take care of any real problems. I say get out of the house and leave him with the baby. Even if you take a walk by yourself everyday when he gets home, gradually he'll learn that he needs to get his act together. But you have to be willing to let him do that. I know that in the beginning, I said I wanted JT to do more, but when he did it, I criticized him constantly, even when I thought I wasn't. I finally backed off and he's amazing now. Hang in there and let him find his way.

Message edited 6/22/2007 10:03:21 PM.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Thanks everyone.

I like the term invisible fetal position. You should market that!

The problem I have is I DO ask for help. In very specific ways.

"Tonight I need you to change the sheets on the bed because the baby spit up this morning."

So I get the sheet STRIPPED from the bed, but no new sheets on.

When I ask why it's because I thought I said "strip the bed". But what were we going to sleep on?

Or I say, "I need you to take the trash out." And then the diaper pail is still full. "You didn't say the diaper pail."

I'm sorry, is that not trash? Is it some kind of botanical garden we are growing in the nursery?

It's either that or I get a sigh and an eye roll when I ask for help like he's 16.

I want to smack him right now.

Better yet, I want to throw a bucket of ice water on his sleeping a$$.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

I don't know, it almost sounds like he is trying to f-up on purpose so he doesn't have to be responsible any more.

My advice would be to keep on him. Don't let him off easy because he sucks at something. A lot of men need to be trained.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by prncss

Oh boy, sounds like DH is doing the invisible fetal position. I have a theory that when men become fathers, they sooner or later realize that they are actually responsible for someone other than themselves now, and do the "invisible fetal position". I say invisible because they'd never let you know that on the inside they're just a big, scared baby trying to hide from responsibility. My husband did it and I'm sure plenty of hubbies do it, too.
That's the bad news.
The good news is this: When faced with no choice, JT learned to take care of Ava all by himself and does it everyday now while I work. But it literally took me leaving the house without him or the baby for him to actually have to do it. You are the safety net, whether you like it or not. If you are there, he will always assume you will take care of any real problems. I say get out of the house and leave him with the baby. Even if you take a walk by yourself everyday when he gets home, gradually he'll learn that he needs to get his act together. But you have to be willing to let him do that. I know that in the beginning, I said I wanted JT to do more, but when he did it, I criticized him constantly, even when I thought I wasn't. I finally backed off and he's amazing now. Hang in there and let him find his way.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

ahhhhh I can so relate to this!
you aren't alone.

I ask Leo to do very specific things. He is helpful, when asked.

6 months later we are still working through issues. Our biggest issue? I never leave him alone with josh. I always felt as though the baby would be sat in front of the TV.

Leo made it known that the words he hated to hear in the middle of the night were, "There is a bottle on the counter"
Then after saying that, I would feel that the baby would not be burped right or diaper would not be put on to my liking. I take fault in that. I should have let him be more hands on.

I also have a freezer full of milk, I always threaten that one day he will wake up and I will be gone, I won't return till late that night. Leo lives in complete fear of this day.

So, at 6 months, this week, I started letting go. Leo walked baby to grocery store...after going on a walk together 2 mornings later and telling Leo that any part of baby not under stroller canopy needs sunscreen, he replied was I serious? So that let's me know the baby probably had limbs hanging out baking in the sun.

Leo and baby went in the car this week...Leo left baby alone in car.

I honestly don't know what to do....oh man, I completely high jacked your post. sorry.

I guess my point is you are not alone. But the problem won't go away on it's own, that's what I am discovering. We work on it everyday.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by JennyGirl

I don't know, it almost sounds like he is trying to f-up on purpose so he doesn't have to be responsible any more.

My advice would be to keep on him. Don't let him off easy because he sucks at something. A lot of men need to be trained.

Message edited 6/22/2007 10:28:47 PM.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

you are cracking me up tonight.

im going through the same thing with DH though too.

I now make a list. And Im SOOO specific ( including, empty the diaper pail) ...b/c...well you live it, you know why....

I think they are spoiled..I think we spoil them.

Wanna meet up for Starbucks in like Brooklyn , see how they like it alone?

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by dm24angel

Wanna meet up for Starbucks in like Brooklyn , see how they like it alone?

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by leighla

Posted by dm24angel

Wanna meet up for Starbucks in like Brooklyn , see how they like it alone?

YES. Right now...let's go.

See how he really likes waking up in the middle of the night.

He keeps wanting credit for helping me with the night feedings.

Um...you get up for 5 minutes, change the diaper and go back to bed.

I'm up nursing for an HOUR.

Yeah...we're even.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by Janice

Posted by leighla

Is this like when the older sibling starts to revert to a baby-state when a new baby enters the fold?

I can't believe you wrote this! I accused my DH of this the other day. For some reason he can never find anything. I will tell him where it is, he can't find it still. I put baby down, go get item, hand it to him.

He says oh, I looked in every cabinet except that one.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by leighla

Posted by Janice

Posted by leighla

Is this like when the older sibling starts to revert to a baby-state when a new baby enters the fold?

I can't believe you wrote this! I accused my DH of this the other day. For some reason he can never find anything. I will tell him where it is, he can't find it still. I put baby down, go get item, hand it to him.

He says oh, I looked in every cabinet except that one.

Oh Janice, I think we married the same guy. Except yours works out and takes care of himself.

And you live in NC.

My DH does this all the time too.

He came home from CVS the other night SWEARING they didn't have Mylicon drops.

We needed Mylicon drops.

I asked "Did you ask anyone?"

He says yes.

So after a huge fight, I storm out, go to CVS and guess what?

Aisle 6...mylicon drops. With all the baby stuff.

His answer? "Oh, I looked in the gas aisle."

The GAS aisle?

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

I'm serious, they into the invisible fetal position. Either that or the invisible fingers in the ears while humming Mary Had a Little Lamb and shouting, "I can't hear you! I can't hear you!" You might not see it on the outside, but I promise, he's doing it on the inside. The inner baby is surfacing. I say leave the baby and run in the direction of your nearest friend's house for a night.
Stupid men and their stupid inability to be responsible.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

gas aisle!

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

I suggest you go out for an entire day - say you have a bridal shower or something. He will QUICKLY learn how to do everything and have a new respect for all that you do to take care of your DS and your house.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Posted by Janice

gas aisle!

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Gas Aisle?

This post reminds me of the notes I used to leave DH:

10:00am Feed Joseph.

10:05am BURP HIM - or you will have a screaming baby on your hands & will regret it.

10:15am change your shirt because you didn't burp him & now he's spit up all over you.

11:00am Check Joseph's diaper

11:30am Check Joseph's diaper. Change him any way. Absorbent = you can't tell he peed.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

Sounds like my DH. Granted he's great with DS and is learning but he says "whats wrong" to him all the time too if DS is crying. And he does it in a baby voice..."wots wong!" OMG it is like nails on a blackboard to me. Sometimes I say "I dunno daddy maybe my diaper is wet/poopy/I'm hungry/tired/bored/want to move around".......whatever I think may be the problem. Now if *I* were to do that all the time he'd wonder if I was a good mother.....but if he does it? And I say "please stop saying what's wrong and figure it out for yourself" then OH BOY do I get an attitude from him!

I dunno. Men sometimes are strange!

I heard on the radio that parents that smoke around kids are giving them enough carcinogens that it's like the baby is smoking too!!!

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

I was in the same position as you...but it does get easier. At 4 weeks I left DH alone to go to a baby shower and he survived....and started to realize he is capable of taking care of his daughter.

It gets easier as they get older...I don't know what it is with men and a newborn but its like they are afraid and only start to get comfortable when the baby is more "solid"

And I am so with you on the smoking....MY DH was smoke free for 5 years and decided when I was in labor to start up again. He claimed it was only for a little while and 13 months later still puffin away. He never does it at home but the smell...ugh!

But like Barb said....no amount of nagging will get them to stop...they have to do it on their own

Message edited 6/23/2007 10:58:40 AM.

Re: I'm seriously losing my patience with DH...(VENT)

I think you shbould find a sitter and got out with DH to talk about this? Have you tried marital counseling. It is really helpful for us. He can hear things and not feel like I am nagging him.