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AnxiousPants
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/09 864 total posts
Name:
EDD 10/22!
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Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation? - updated with thanks & a little more info!
I'll try to keep this short, but still explain the situation without getting into too much of the family drama.
This was the gist of my apology, said in person:
"I'm very sorry for the hurtful things that I said. I felt attacked, and sometimes we all say things out of anger. I know your intention may not have been to attack, but sometimes the perception is different by the one of the receiving end."
The apology has not been "accepted" because it came with an explanation.
What do you think?
updated 4/20:
I wanted to thank you all for answering my question, and for the insight I've gotten from you all - those that agreed with me as well as those that didn't. Its definitely helpful to get outside opinions and viewpoints.
Its a sad and unfortunate situation that I'm not sure we'll ever get past. Its been about a month now.
There have been many similar instances over the last year between us, and the two most recent ones before this where the other person apologized to me.
I just couldn't imagine NOT accepting an apology regardless of whether it was really up to my standards ... especially if we were both partly to blame for the whole thing to begin with.
An explanation couldn't be left for a later conversation with this person - its not how they operate. They would never accept or allow a future discussion on the subject.
Those that said that giving an explanation with an apology is not accepting full blame have hit on a grain of truth in this situation ... because the reality of the matter is that I don't think I am fully to blame here and I don't think I should be the only one extending an apology even though I am sorry for the things that I said.
Message edited 4/20/2011 2:20:01 PM.
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Posted 4/19/11 1:29 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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AngnShaun
Sisters
Member since 1/10 21015 total posts
Name:
Ang
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
weird... id be way more inclined to accept an apology with an explination than without...
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:30 PM |
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CouponKT
Our family is complete
Member since 6/06 16494 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I think an explanation is much better than just a "sorry"  kind of response.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:31 PM |
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MySunshine
In love with my Baby Boy
Member since 3/11 2783 total posts
Name:
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I think it's valid, that's the way I apologize. If you're getting my apology, I want my side to be heard as well.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:32 PM |
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Otherme
Square head cutie pants
Member since 3/06 6899 total posts
Name:
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I don't see anything wrong with that at all
an explanation often helps smooth things over
is the person not accepting the apology because they think you're making excuses?
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:33 PM |
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julesrbf
Baby Girl
Member since 6/09 3882 total posts
Name:
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Agree with PPs. With the explanation it helps me to understand where it was coming from - usually in a situation like that the worst part is not really understanding why the person is angry and on the attack.
A stock "sorry" doesn't mean much to me.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:34 PM |
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MrsPJB2007
MBA at your service!
Member since 7/06 12020 total posts
Name:
MJ
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I think it's good....it's saying "I'm sorry....and this is why I got upset." Kind of like they are trying to clear the air vs just saying "I'm sorry" and there is no real closure to the issue.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:34 PM |
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Babymakin
LIF Adult
Member since 12/10 920 total posts
Name:
Sarah
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Posted by julesrbf
Agree with PPs. With the explanation it helps me to understand where it was coming from - usually in a situation like that the worst part is not really understanding why the person is angry and on the attack.
A stock "sorry" doesn't mean much to me.
I agree.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:35 PM |
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jerseypanda
Life is good.
Member since 1/07 9164 total posts
Name:
Amanda
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Personally, I am not the biggest fan of apologies with explanations. To me, it always sounds as though the person is trying to justify why they did what they did, even though they apologized for it. To me, it comes across as giving the apology, then somewhat taking it away by justifying what was done.
ETA: I also believe an apology needs to include the specific reason you are sorry. "I'm sorry that I reacted that way." "I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said to you." And it should be left at that. When it continues into the reason why you did what you did, I always feel like the person is partially blaming me as a part of their apology which never sits well with me.
DH just did this over the weekend with DS. I made him re-apologize to him later because his original apology came across as very insincere.
Message edited 4/19/2011 1:55:02 PM.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:39 PM |
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Posted by AnxiousPants
I'll try to keep this short, but still explain the situation without getting into too much of the family drama.
This was the gist of my apology, said in person:
"I'm very sorry for the hurtful things that I said. I felt attacked, and sometimes we all say things out of anger. I know your intention may not have been to attack, but sometimes the perception is different by the one of the receiving end."
The apology has not been "accepted" because it came with an explanation.
What do you think?
I think in this case the person you're trying to apoligize to is acting like a child, and based on your explination they seem to have a hx of this. You did the best you could and move on. If it comes up again then just say I tried and you shut me down further proving my point of feeling attacked. It's your move now.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:41 PM |
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Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
Name:
Pomegranate5
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I guess I'm in the minority because I hate apologies that come with an "explanation" that seems to turn it around on me.
It sounds like the explanation was meant to defend what they did, as if your actions were *actually* at fault. It's like saying "I'm sorry.....but......". If you're wrong, you're wrong. Just say that and move on.
Obviously there are times when an explanation is necessary, but it really depends.
I was just having this discussion with DH because he sometimes does this. Recently he snapped at me in front of people and was kind of nasty. I told him it hurt my feelings and I thought it was disrespectful. He told me that he was sorry, but he did it because he misunderstood something I did. I tried to explain that there were NO circumstances where it would be understandable to snap at me the way he did and any "explanation" of why he did it would only diminish the value of the original apology. So this is kind of where my thinking comes from. Does that make sense?
Sorry my response is so long, I just wanted to give an example of what I meant.
ETA - I didn't realize it was you who was apologizing. I hope I didn't come across too harsh. I will say that I think it is immature of the other person to refuse to accept the apology. You are clearly sorry and you wanted to explain your reasons so they know you didn't mean to be malicious.
Message edited 4/19/2011 2:26:42 PM.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:41 PM |
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-Lisa-
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Member since 5/05 6530 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I like an apology with an explanation.
But in this case, it sounds more like you're putting the blame back on the person you're apologizing to - "sorry I said those things, but you made me do it"
so I can see why it wasn't well received.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:43 PM |
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PearlJamChick
No one sings like you anymore.
Member since 7/10 9264 total posts
Name:
Petticoated Swashbuckler
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I think it's much more valid with an explanation.
Extending an olive branch to a person who already has one up their butt doesn't always pan out well. 
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:45 PM |
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
It seems to me (just from your post and without any outside info) that you are apologizing not for what was said, but how it was said, hence the explanation. I think that's fine. I also think that the person not accepting the apology is having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that they were also in the wrong.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:46 PM |
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Celt
~~~~~~~~~~
Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
Name:
colette
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I'm gonna go against the grain and say not really  Take it from someone with a bazillion apologies made to date  they are received better when there's no qualification. Just my opinion Now of course, if you ask me for my side of it, you're going to get an earful, along the lines you mentioned above, i.e., if you weren't such an ASSSSSSSSHAT this whole thing wouldn't have happened BUT if I simply want a return to "peace" then I have to restrain myself from the "but here's the thing" knee-jerk reaction that I ALWAYS want to add immediately after "I'm sorry for blahblahblah".
It helps if I can find just ONE thing, just ONE comment or action, that I truly truly regret, so my apology is sincere - like "I'm sorry I made that comment, it was unnecessary and not at all true." Or something akin to that. In other words I'm not apologizing for the disagreement, just the part where *I* went afoul of civility, kwim?
Also, to try that shoe on the other foot, if someone's apologizing to ME, rare as it is, , I don't want it delivered as "but you were such a jerk you FORCED me to say/do xyz". Just apologize and we can move on.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:47 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
It all depends on the explanation.
The one you posted sounds like a true apology. They are still sorry by the way they acted - and explained that they misperceived the actions.
If the explanation was defensive, casting blame back on the person to be apologized to, then no. It's invalid in my book.
For example, if the apology went
"I'm very sorry for the hurtful things that I said. Youwere verbally attacking me & I felt I needed to defend myself" then no..
Message edited 4/19/2011 1:49:21 PM.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:48 PM |
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BethanyLynn
Love these munchkins
Member since 10/09 6295 total posts
Name:
Bethany
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Posted by AngnShaun
weird... id be way more inclined to accept an apology with an explination than without...
Definitely!
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:48 PM |
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Bearcat
Love my little girls!!! <3
Member since 6/10 10818 total posts
Name:
E
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
totally acceptable. it shows the person actually thought about what transpired as opposed to dishing out a "sorry" just because it was the "right" thing to do.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:50 PM |
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PrettyPeonies
GAW my baby boy <3
Member since 8/10 3874 total posts
Name:
Pino
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Posted by AngnShaun
weird... id be way more inclined to accept an apology with an explination than without...
TIA....
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:55 PM |
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missfabulous
#mommyneedswine
Member since 6/09 10031 total posts
Name:
Colleen
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I would accept it.
I think there's a very fine line between an explanation and an excuse. An explanation is more sincere- recognizing you did something wrong and explaining why. Key word: recognition. An excuse is saying you did something wrong but it wasn't really your fault (because of "x" excuse). Excuses tend to lack recognition of doing any wrong.
This seems to me to be an explanation more than an excuse.
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| Posted 4/19/11 1:55 PM |
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jilliibabii
Mrs. O'Connor
Member since 6/10 12821 total posts
Name:
Jillian
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Posted by CouponKT
I think an explanation is much better than just a "sorry" kind of response.
ITA. I think the explanation makes it more sincere, not less. It's an explanation and an apology not an excuse.
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| Posted 4/19/11 2:05 PM |
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
I think that is completely vaild. The person didn't say "YOU attacked ME", he/she said how they felt, and said they understood the interpretation of the situation was wrong.
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| Posted 4/19/11 2:09 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Posted by Pomegranate5
I guess I'm in the minority because I hate apologies that come with an "explanation" that seems to turn it around on me.
It sounds like the explanation was meant to defend what they did, as if your actions were *actually* at fault. It's like saying "I'm sorry.....but......". If you're wrong, you're wrong. Just say that and move on.
Obviously there are times when an explanation is necessary, but it really depends.
I was just having this discussion with DH because he sometimes does this. Recently he snapped at me in front of people and was kind of nasty. I told him it hurt my feelings and I thought it was disrespectful. He told me that he was sorry, but he did it because he misunderstood something I did. I tried to explain that there were NO circumstances where it would be understandable to snap at me the way he did and any "explanation" of why he did it would only diminish the value of the original apology. So this is kind of where my thinking comes from. Does that make sense?
Sorry my response is so long, I just wanted to give an example of what I meant.
I like how you apologized, then tried to explain why you were sorry.... 
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| Posted 4/19/11 2:10 PM |
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AnxiousPants
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/09 864 total posts
Name:
EDD 10/22!
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
^5 to GoldenRod!
Seeeeee how hard it is to apologize without giving an explanation of why you did what you did?
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| Posted 4/19/11 2:26 PM |
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Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
Name:
Pomegranate5
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Re: Is an apology valid if it is followed by an explanation?
Posted by AnxiousPants
^5 to GoldenRod!
Seeeeee how hard it is to apologize without giving an explanation of why you did what you did?
I edited my post above. I didn't realize it was YOU that was apologizing. I do still prefer for someone to just say they are sorry and leave it at that, but I understand why you added the explanation.
As I said in my edit, it is immature to refuse to accept the apology. I hate when people do that.
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| Posted 4/19/11 2:30 PM |
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