Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

Heather

I am sure you have seen me post about how I was raised and what I have put up with as a child.

Your daughters are trying very, very hard to keep themselves safe and are doing it in such a profoundly mature and elegant way, it makes me sad.

To them, YOU are their safety and their home. Thank God for that (I unfortunately had no one to be that for me growing up)

Hearing things like this strikes a very deep cord in me. You are probably bound legally to provide him with access to his daughters, but if he continues to say things like that, it is emotional abuse and you may have some ability to do something legally if you want to go that route.

I am so amazed they are able to recognize the guilt trip. I hope they let their dad and gma know they are aware of what they are doing.

I wish I had better advice for you. I am lucky to have been able to grow up and out of that cycle. FM me if you need anything - I know we have been able to give advice to each other in so many areas that we share (step parenting, blended families, etc)

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

Posted by Bxgell2

Unfortunately I don't think you can change an old dog's ways... there isn't a whole lot you can do from his angle, but think about it this way - you are their mother, and you are their principle guiding light. They spend most of their time with you, so your influence makes the most impact on how they view themselves. We all grow up with negative influences in our life, whether it's a relative, a friend, a teacher, whatever... but many of us also remain grounded and confident in ourselves, because we had at least one guiding, solid person in our life that gave us the love, reassurance and confidence that we needed to shield ourselves from those negative influences.

So my advice to you is to keep the channels of communication as open as you can with your twins. Let them know they can discuss ANYTHING that their father or grandparents told them, and that you will always be there to listen. Ask them about what he says to them, and what their grandparents say to them, and when you think it's inappropriate, address it with them directly.

Give them constant reassurance that you love them, and build their esteem in every little way that you can.

I can't even fathom how difficult it must be for you, I really can't, but I admire the obvious love and adoration you have for your children, and all that you do for them. They will certainly grow up just fine having such a kind, loving and involved mother, because at the end of the day, that's truly all they need to become mature, confident, self-assured women

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

Message edited 12/13/2012 8:22:11 PM.

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

Posted by ExpectingJoy

Posted by DancinBarefoot

I typed out an entire response and then DD touched the keyboard and poof! - gone in an instant.

In a nutshell, my opinion has changed based on what dear old dad has said to the twins. Run, do not walk, to family court and file a petition to modify visitation.

I did some looking into things on another case and found out some stuff that is completely relevant to your situation. On October 17, 2007 the law changed. (I knew there was an "attitude" shift, because of some trainings I had been to, but they never said it was b/c the law changed ).

In any event, a law guardian is no longer supposed to act in "the child's best interest" but is now required to "zealously advocate" for their stated position, so long as they are old enough to articulate what that position is.

In essence, because the girls can tell their lawyer they don't want to be with dear old dad every week from Thursday to Sunday, they want to see him on Thursday night, then go home, then spend every other weekend with him, the law guardian is required to be a LAWYER for the child and fight for that position.

Sorry it is coming down to this.

Oh please please don't do this option unless you REALLY feel it is the only option left. I have tears in my eyes as I right this.

But my mother made me do this when I was very little in my parents bitter divorce (too little too understand hurt feelings) and it left incredible lasting scars on me for years that I had the power to hurt my dad so much and break his heart- hurt anyone for that matter- and we never did develop a good relationship as a result. I would kill now to go back in time and change that one day.

I know he says some inappropriate things but he clearly says them out of hurt. This man wants to be in your daughters life; just has some "issues" with security. So many men run these days and don't even want to see their family.

Your daughters are so young to be choosing less of their dad- especially since their relationships with their dad change so drastically through the years. Their age, imo, is too young to be making these kind of decisions. They are too psychologically immature to understand the ramifications and to think this out completely- and this option- ultimately, might not be in their best interest. I never did look at my mother the same way again as well- I never completely trusted her that she did the right thing for me. Years later, I look at it like she put her agenda before my own. It was easier to get rid of my dad than battle him.

Can you encourage them to see past the comments a little more? Life is full of difficult people that we have to get along with and your little girls might be learning that lesson now rather than later. Their father is their father. Unfortunately, We don't get to choose our family.

I say this out of complete respect for your situation and empathy with the girls. I just want them to be happy and well-adjusted. Good luck to you.

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

He will never change. He abused you and he will abuse them. That's the only way he knows how to make people "love" him. But all he will create is hate, bitterness, anger and mostly resentment.

Your girls are learning very early on to create a thick skin. It's either that or they will be filled with guilt and no self esteem.

They are have different way of growing out of it. They play his game and do what he wants or they resist.

In any cases they know who he is. Kids figure out fairly quickly who people are.

My father is your EX. One of my sister loves him to death. The other one uses him for material things in exchange for her talking to him. My brother talks to him but knows who he is, picks his battle and thinks about not seeing more and more often. I don't talk to him at all. He will call me every few years. Cries on the phone (literally!!). I am the one who grew the tough skin and I am completely immune to his guilt trips. He called me "too cold". I told him I was not a kid anymore and I did not have to put up with his BS.

It's sad that they have to deal with those situations so early in life. But it is what it is. Sometimes we can't protect our kids from disappointment and how much a dad can $uck.

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

I'm not sure I can add anything more than what the other girls have said. I am so sorry you are in this situation.

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

Perhaps you personally should speak with a specialist- to see how they would recommend handling it. Someone who can be objective and has your daughters best interests at heart. Maybe she could give you some good suggestions. I think it is the next logical step here. Maybe before legal action...

Wishing you the best.

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

I don't have any advice but I want to offer some support I cannot imagine what grace and composure it must take to have to deal with that and not bad mouth him to the kids at the same time. I give you tons of credit for being that strong. I hope things work out for your girls

Re: Ive been struggling with posting this....Long sorry

While my situation isn't the same it kind of is, it's just with my own mother. My mother has spent my life making me feel guilty. Guilty for having a boyfriend, guilty for having sex, guilty for moving away, guilty for not giving her money, guilty for being busy with my own life, etc. You get the idea.
Well my last straw with her came when I witnessed her lay her guilt on my 3 year old daughter. My DD was in a mood. We were all getting ready to eat lunch. My mom sat down next to her and DD said "I don't want you to sit there". I think she wanted my mom in another chair. A NORMAL person would have just moved to another chair. What does my 65 year old adult mother say to my 3 year old child? "FINE! I'll go sit inside and you don't even have to look at my face". ***?
That started a huge fight between my mother and I and I haven't spoken to her in over 2 months. I am scarred, damaged, whatever from the guilt my mother always put on me.
You have every right to want to protect your daughters. You know them. You know they aren't liars and clearly these things don't go in one ear and out the other if they are coming home and telling you about it. You ex needs to get his head on straight and realize they are children that are growing up and it's not all about him anymore! You do whatever you think is right to protect your girls from his nonsense because trust me, it's a big deal! It really eats away at your core as a person to hear things like that over and over or have things dangled at you and taken away based on how much you seem to love someone.
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I really understand how upsetting it is.