Re: just a lil mom vent here....

I will say that I agree that marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper. Some people value the marriage. Others don't. Some people value the people they are in a relationship, others don't.

I'm a huge proponent of gay marriage. If it was just a piece of paper, gays would not be fighting for their rights to have that same paper. KWIM?

But whether or not you have that piece of paper doesn't qualify your ability to parent, to have an amazing family or to have a deeper relationship.

Take heart in the reason people try to devalue someone else's relationship - they are trying to make themselves feel better about their own. Be glad you don't feel the need.

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Ready for my 2cents? Can I proclaim myself a topmost authority on the subject?

Ive done things the "wrong" way, the "right" way, and the "boy I really screwed up" way....

I never understood how, in today's society, anyone can judge someone else based upon them getting pregnant out of wedlock. Especially when most couples (or at least the majority) are having sex prior to marriage....if you have sex you could, very well, get pregnant. Insert A into B and sometimes you get C...

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

I hear ya...it's kinda like that term "out of wedlock"...it really is so antiquated now...

What was "conventional" many years ago is so different now...lots of "old school" point of views I guess...

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

I think the hurtful part is that people say it as if a child born or conceived with unwed parents are somehow less wanted or will be somewhat " less" in some capacity.

Thats the tone I have always precieved from it.

Thats the BS part for me.

I dont think a marriage is needed to raise and want a wonderful child. And or to be a great parent!

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

sinner!!!!

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

First off, it's nobody's business when those gorgeous boys were conceived (either before or after the I Do's). To quote Leslie - I think you should kick them (them being whoever is giving you grief).

As for the second part of your vent and the rhetorical question of what difference does a little piece of paper make . . . . . . . .

it depends.

Speaking for myself - I don't care how my friends' children were conceived so long as their was love between their parents.

Speaking for myself and my own children, based upon how my mother raised me, it was not a choice I would make for myself (translation: she would have disowned me).

Speaking for DH & I together - based upon our ages we had a serious discussion about trying to conceive before the wedding and decided against it. In part b/c of my mother, but in larger part b/c of his mother. Which leads me to . . .

Speaking for my MIL (who is 80, so understand the time frame). She was born out of wedlock. Her father never married her mother. She was made to feel shame her entire life as a bast@rd child.

PS.

I told DH about your vent . . . he said:

"what business is it of anyone besidesyou & your DH" and then when I mentioned the comments were coming from family he said "they should shut the F up. You can sort of put up with the ignorance of strangers, but family should not do anything but offer support."

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Posted by shellybean

sinner!!!!

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

My decision to NOT get PG before I was married was not based in morality, but in practicality. I was never in a position to raise a child on my own - financially or otherwise.

Years ago, my mother once said to me "You know, if you ever found yourself pregnant, you could always move back with me and Dad!" Mind you, this came out of left field with NO prompting whatsoever.

That was the thing - the only way I would have had a child without being in a committed relationship would be if I moved back home with my parents. It would have been a cold day in hell before that would ever happen and I loved them dearly. So I did my best to make sure it didn't happen. Lo and behold, it wasn't going to happen without assistance anyway. Who knew?

However, to imply or outright state that a family is less than a family if there is no "legality" to the relationship is simply ludicrous and unfair. I know many mothers and a couple of fathers) who are better off not married or on their own to raise children.

And yes. KICK THE S O B's!!! KICK EM HARD!!!!

Message edited 1/5/2009 11:21:57 PM.

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Posted by twinboys425

Posted by shellybean

sinner!!!!

your funny... i feel like i have a scrlet letter on me sometimes..! KWIM??

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Oh kicking is violent...you could borrow my cake and fling it at them..hehehe

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Re: just a lil mom vent here....

I think it is a very personal decision and you have to be happy with your choices, no one else.
For me, being married to someone I loved and building a home was important. I, too, think of my marriage as much, much more than a piece of paper. My brother and his girlfriend never married and had a child- that was their choice. It has nothing to do with how much you love your child(ren). I don't judge either way. i just know what is the right choice for me.

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

I just had my beautiful DD and I'm not married. FH and I had been talking about when we wanted to have children and then I got pregnant. (We weren't even engaged at the time, though we were living together.) We didn't want to get married or engaged just because I got pregnant. She was a total blessing, and we were thrilled to be having a baby and starting a family, but we didn't feel that making it "official" before she was born was necessary. We're planning a wedding for Sept and will have her as our "little lady of honor." Nobody seems to care that we aren't married, but people who don't know us always assume we are married and will say "your husband" or "your wife". We don't correct them. Sometimes we even use the terms ourselves because it makes it easier, and in our hearts, that's what we are. We don't need the piece of paper to feel that way. The only reason we didn't get married yet is because we wanted to enjoy both events separately. We didn't want to take away from the pregnancy or birth of DD, and we didn't want to skip out on a wedding, or have our wedding not be the real wedding (we considered getting married and not telling anyone and still having the wedding later on, but we wanted the ceremony at the official wedding to be the real ceremony.) Not being married is pain logistically for some things, but it certainly doesn't change our commitment to each other or how we feel about each other. We are most definitely a family.

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Some people are just idiots!!! I know many people who have children and are not married. I think love is the most important thing, not paper.

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Posted by lastchance1222

a good relationship is a good relationship-I do not think the paper will make it stronger-it is either going to make it or it will not, whether or not anyone has a paper.
I know plenty of people who are legally married and sad to say do not make it and people who are not and happy...
I get what you are saying.
Do not let those family members bother you.

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Posted by KristinasMama

I've said it before and I'll say it again.... People just need to learn when to SHUT their mouths!

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Being married doesn't have any bearing on whether or not you're a good parent. My grandparents weren't married! Well, my grandmother was, but not to my grandfather. And they had 4 kids and messed them up just as badly as they would have if they had been married.

Opinions and a$$holes... you know the rest!

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

thank you ladies....

im feeling a lil better!


Thank you soo much!

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

This is a very touchy subject with me.

DH and I knew we were together forever before deciding to get married - I was the one who was hesitant. My relationship with DH is just as solid before marriage as it is after marriage and having had children. I never needed the license but he did. I have to say I love being married more than I ever thought I would.

While we were engaged and planning our wedding: surprise, suprise - we found out I was pregnant with CJ. Before we told anyone, we agreed to change the date of our wedding to before he would be born (I had already gotten my dress and wanted it to fit and not have to get another one for after having the baby with keeping our original date).

I did get a few comments about being pg before marriage but mostly from an ignorant co-worker who wwa a bit older and to which I pretty much ignored.

Fast forward to us losing CJ before he was a month old. I actually had this person I worked with make a comment (that I cannot even remember completely it insensed me so insanely) that this is what happens when you aren't married. I was stunned - shocked - in total disbelief that I could not move or speak. When I finally could breathe again I took this woman aside and while shaking uncontrollably from my emotions let her have it. I couldn't even tell you what I said to her it is such a blur and part of the reason I couldn't wait to get out of working there.

People really do need to keep their comments to themselves

Re: just a lil mom vent here....

Posted by Mikismom

opinions are like a$$holes