Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

PLEASE DON"T QUOTE, I will remove later.

The equality thread on the relationship board kind of struck a chord with me and had me thinking about our situation as it changes with the baby on the way. In my family, everything is equal, if my parents do for one, they do for all. DH's family is a bit different and I've had a hard time coping with that - feeling like second place when it comes to his siblings and their families.
Granted, this is our first DC and it is his parents' 10th grandchild, so they've been doing the babysitting thing for a long time already. Now they help out one of his siblings with childcare 4x a week! After our DC is born, I'd like DH to have a talk with his parents about how/if they can help us out. I would never expect them to offer 4 days a week, but even 1 day would be a great help. He says they won't help us because they are already committed to his sibling, but that just doesn't seem fair to me.

Should he not even bother having this conversation? I think he'd love me to give him that pass, but I think it warrants a conversation, at least.

Should I be bothered by this inequality?

The sibling's family they help out with childcare makes significantly more money than we do, if that matters. They are also geographically closer to each other than we are.

Any thoughts? What can I do to feel better about this situation? I thought things would get better once we got married but they never call, visit, or anything! I would love a MIL who would drop in just to say hello and catch up. I want our child to have a good relationship with both sets of her grandparents. TIA

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

I don't think you can ask them to help you out. If they offer, its one thing, but I don't think its appropriate to ask. Its their time, they can do with it as they see fit.

It may be hurtful that they don't drop by as much as you want, but you can't will people into behaving the way you want. The best you can do is just continue to call and visit with your child, and foster the relationship the best you can.

I would just plan childcare keeping my ILs out of the equation if I were you and if they offer, great, if not, you move forward. They are not obligated to help out.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Thanks for your reply. The whole thing is disappointing. I'm certain they were asked to be in the child care situation they are in now, they certainly did not offer. That is the way they are - they have to be asked. I still feel like DH should discuss with them and they can say no, I guess. But I just feel like it is worth the conversation. I guess maybe I'm wrong!

Kind of spin-off to

I think, and I hate to be blunt, but you just have to deal with it and say that's his family. If this is how they acted prior to you getting married, and it sounds like that is the case, then you knew what you were getting yourself into. I don't think you can ask for help, especially if your DH doesn't want to go to them. It sounds like they might have a strained relationship to begin with. Your finances compared to the sibling's really doesn't matter at all. Also, if they are geographically closer, then it must be much easier for them to help the sibling. I'm sorry that it's not what you hoped for, but it is what it is and you just have to accept that. I'm sorry for being so blunt.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

I don't know if this will make you feel better but for me, I am okay with using daycare full time over family. To me, I wanted complete control and although MIL originally offered 1 or 2 days a week, that changed because she found out she couldn't retire until next year without penalties. I am not going to lie, it was a sigh of relief when she told us because I love my MIL, but I know I will want to do things my own way and she would have wanted to do it her way. That doesn't mean that she won't have a great relationship with our DC, it just means she won't be babysitting on a regular basis. Look at it this way, it will be easier for you if or when you do need a baby sitter for an occasion.

My sis had my family help out with babysitting during the week when she worked and when it came time to the weekends, everyone was exhausted from helping babysit all week that when she asked on a Sat or Sun, there was drama. To me, it just wasn't worth it. It wasn't that they loved the baby any less, they just wanted some time as well.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Thanks for the replies, I don't think anyone is being too blunt! I just come from a family where there is no favoratism, so it would be really unheard of for my mother to help one of us and not extend herself to her other children in the same way. It's something that has taken some getting used to, and obviously I've not gotten the message yet! DH is a middle child, and I'm a first child, so that birth order thing also really has something to do with it, I'm sure.

He has a fine relationship with his family, I guess, by his standards, so long as he doesn't ever have to really communicate with them, I guess.

As for daycare, that is definitely our long-term solution. I am just trying to find a way to have 1 full year free of day care . . .

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Geographic proximity may have a lot to do with it. Also I would never ask for family help (paid or unpaid) so I can see where your DH might be uncomfortable. It is something that needs to be offered then discussed. My MIL offered to watch my 1st DS 2 half days a week for the first year (we did daycare for the other 2 days). Honestly it was much less stressful to take him to daycare with a professional hehe.
After the year was up we transitioned him to go to his daycare all 4 days and I think it decreased the strain on my and my DH's relationship with his mom. She could help out when she wanted to instead of feeling obligated. For this DC my MIL again wants to try and "help out" with the new baby but I'm thinking 1 day a week of "help" may be more then enough Not trying to sound ungrateful at all because it did save us a good amount of money but for me having DC in his "at home daycare" situation was much better for both him and me then having him at home with real family providing daycare hehe. It is an uncomfortable position to be in for sure, GL!

Kind of spin-off to

I agree with all that was said above. Bottom line, big difference between a daughter and daughter-inlaw. I am sure your husband doesn't want to ask b/c if he is told no, feeling would be hurt.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Yes! I understand this.

We had something similar, It ended up being a LOT of drama & they ended up saying WE didn't want them to watch the kid(s) when they refused repeatedly (and then went on a LONG vacation when I went back to work). This made them look good to their friends. They really got under my skin by giving me nanny listings, etc. they watched their other grandkids FT until they went to school.

We could afford a nanny, but we wanted family.

Turns out, having them help didn't really work, so some things work out for the best.

I'm sorry. Have your DH do the discussion with them to ask & let it go. If they don't want to do it, they will find a way out & you might end up stranded without alternatives.

It does suck though.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Thanks all

@loveus: I understand that there's a big difference between a daughter and a daughter in law, but is there a big difference between a daughter and your son? That's the part that gets me. Can someone shed light?

Message edited 2/10/2015 3:26:30 PM.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by TryingandHiding

Thanks all

@loveus: I understand that there's a big difference between a daughter and a daughter in law, but is there a big difference between a daughter and your son? That's the part that gets me. Can someone shed light?

Message edited 2/10/2015 3:35:07 PM.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by TryingandHiding

Thanks all

@loveus: I understand that there's a big difference between a daughter and a daughter in law, but is there a big difference between a daughter and your son? That's the part that gets me. Can someone shed light?

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Wow, I guess I kind of figured as much, but I don't have any brothers to see this in action! I would think if I had a son I would treat him equal to any daughter. It wouldn't even cross my mind to treat them differently like this!

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Maybe it's because I only have a son but I completely disagree that there is a difference between a son and daughter in THIS particular respect. I love my son with every fiber of my being and I will do anything in my power to help him just as I would my daughter if I have one. I am very lucky in that my ILs share this line of thinking and have never ever made us feel less worthy of their help because we are just their son/DIL.

As to your original post, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I do agree that if your DH doesn't want to ask, there isn't much you can do about it. But I can totally understand being hurt by the whole situation.

Message edited 2/10/2015 3:53:36 PM.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

I can tell you a little of my experience..I have a brother and its just me and him.. He had kids first so my dad would help out and watch their kids twice a week.. when we had a baby my hubby wanted my dad to see if he can watch our kid once or twice or even take a day from them.. I said absolutely not, in all fairness, they had kids first and I would feel bad taken something away from them that they had going just because I had a baby now.. It would be too much for my dad to give an extra day to me because 3 times a week with kids can be brutal.. I was ok with daycare and then we had my hubbys family watch him twice a week.. it all worked out.. but I feel like unfortunately they got the dibs first so I don't think its right to ask them to give it up or expect them to add extra days..itsn ot like you all had kids at the same time and they chose theirs over yours, that would be TOTALLY different IMO. Good luck!

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

I know it stinks but I would just arrange for my own childcare and let them continue to do what they are doing. As long as they make time to see your LO every now and then, maybe that is something your DH could bring up, that he'd like them to see your LO more if they end up not visiting too often...
MIL used to watch our DS 1x a week when we needed her, and then we put DS into a school so we didn't need her to babysit anymore. Now she really doesn't make time to see DS. We just had her over for our gender reveal, but before that, the last time she saw him was Christmas. And she only lives 20 min away. DH ended up finally saying something to her recently about how she never sees our DS.

Message edited 2/10/2015 4:03:29 PM.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Well did the other sibling ask? If "all bets are off" with these unfair people, then maybe it's worth trying to ask for even 1 day a week since it's legit expensive to have a nanny or daycare. Unless there's something I don't know about the sibling having less $ than you guys---my mind at the moment is on the cost of childcare so heck yeah I'd ask if they're already helping the other sibling. Maybe it turns out they can babysit both sets of kids at once depending where you all live?

Kind of spin-off to

I'll add this... and I'm sure all grandparents don't feel this way, but my mom said that someone told her that "you love all of your grandchildren, but the first one is extra special", and she just winked at me (I had my family's first grandchild and great-grandchild, and I'm the first grandchild for my grandparents). My grandmother, from her wheelchair in the hospital, looked up and winked at me too, nodding her head in agreement. It's horrible, and it sucks, and it's not the case for everyone, but this definitely happens. On my dh's side, it's a little different, he's the first of his generation to carry on the family name, and our son is the first of that generation to carry on the family name, so he's up on a pedestal, but he's NOT the first grandchild.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Message edited 2/10/2015 4:17:35 PM.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

It makes me a little sad to hear that about the first grandchild. Our DC will be the first GC on my side, but like I said before, it's the 10th for my ILs. I hate to think she'll be any less special in their eyes.

I'm really not sure what to do here. DH's siblings most certainly asked for help when they needed it and I am never one to refrain from asking family, especially parents!!, for help. My parents would do anything for us, I know that. It hurts to think my ILs wouldn't. It makes me sad for DH more than anything.

I happen to know that another of my Dh's brothers had some childcare help from them at some point but that all but went away when this other sibling needed help. I do think that $ is an issue too because they can afford to hire help or do a daycare setting much easier than we can. Maybe I'm just trying to justify my wanting him to ask them.

Maybe part of me wants to make them feel bad by forcing them to say no to us and maybe that will help them realize how distanced they are from us?

Kind of spin-off to

I think it depends on the family. I'm the only girl on my side. My mother watches my brothers two sons and she will be watching my LO when he arrives too. I have to say she treats us all equally.

My DH side is a little different. His mother passed away about ten years ago and his father remarried. They are very focused on themselves. They hardly make an effort to get together with us. I'm not sure how much of an effort hell make to see our DS. I like to think it would be different if his mother were around. Honestly, I'm ok with it. I don't want people to do things out of obligation or because we asked. Helping your child by watching or spending time with a GC is something that a good grandparent should want to do (if they can). If not, it's their loss.

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by TryingandHiding

Thanks all

@loveus: I understand that there's a big difference between a daughter and a daughter in law, but is there a big difference between a daughter and your son? That's the part that gets me. Can someone shed light?

Message edited 2/10/2015 6:40:11 PM.

Kind of spin-off to

I don't know if I would consider it an equality thing. I would think of it more as, they already have an obligation to watching their other GC. It doesn't hurt to ask though.

Kind of spin-off to

I'm an only child and while I do not know how my family would act if there was another sibling, my parents are very thoughtful and try to do so much for us. But I also see how thoughtful they are to my friends and the exchange student that lived with us and I really think they would be like your family had my mom been able to have other children.

But DH has two brothers. Even though we live the furthest away, DH does the most for his parents, but gets the least in return.

I will say being that were having the first grandchild were getting the most attention at the moment because his mom is so excited. Especially because she's never had a girl to shop for. But with 10 grandkids already I am sure the novelty wears off and they are going to act a lot different.

Can I ask, is this sibling a girl? That may have something to do with it. Or maybe you don't know the whole situation of why they need help so badly that the parents stopped helping the other brother. Maybe they don't have the funds you think they have or something else is going no. But it does sound, regardless of the reason, like his family dynamics are different then yours and that you need to let him decide what is best.

I put my two cents in when DH's brothers get favored, but ultimately I have to let DH decide how to handle it.

I also learned the hard way not to harp on his family dynamics for to long. The most pissed he ever got at me was when I kept brining up how his brother who does nothing gets everything. Even though DH agreed with me, he didn't want to keep hearing me say it. He lost it on me. I have since realized that I can put in my two cents but then I have to let it go. Its his family, not mine.