Looking for advice - long

We have three different set of friends who all have DS's who are the same age (10). In between them and DS are girls who are the same age as DS (6) and then there is our DD who is the youngest at 3.

Recently, the last three times we have gotten together with them all, DS has mentioned that the boys are not really nice to him. He wanted to play with them but they kept telling him he needed to go play with the girls. I over heard them telling DS that he HAS to go play with the girls because he is smaller than they are. Another time, they were playing hide and seek with him being the seeker and they essentially closed the door to the bathroom with him in it, that had no window in it and DS could not find the light switch. He was scared because they were holding the door handle from the other side, so he could not open it. They let it go after a few minutes, but he was upset they did that him. He told me after we left.

The last incident was at a communion party. DS was playing with the boys and I had gone up to them a few times and told them all to take it easy (they were wrestling and at one point, one of them threw DS on the floor and pretty much jumped on him. DS is small for 6 years old, the boy who jumped on him is one of the bigger 10 year olds). Anyway, DS came up to me during the party holding his arm and was fighting back tears. I pulled him into a corner and asked what happened. One of the boys told the other boy to 'Assassinate him' and pointed to DS. So the boy took his nails and literally scratched DS across the inside of his arm and left 4 visible scratch marks with blood. I was livid!!! DS didn't want me to say anything. I just went up to them and asked what happened. They were both just sitting there blaming the other. At this point both of their mother's came over and asked what happened. I explained and not one of them even blinked or scolded their child about it. They just looked at me like 'ehh its not a big deal'

Am I over reacting here? I mean if you're kid is scratching another kid to the point that they are drawing blood don't you think you need to step in and intervene?

To complicate things even more, these are all DH's BEST FRIENDS son's. DH thinks its normal
'boys play' and swears that his older cousins use to 'beat him up' all the time. My MIL says this is absolutely not true. So DH thinks I am over reacting and that DS needs to toughen up. The problem is I don't trust these boys to force DS to do something stupid because they think he will and then DS gets hurt. We have gotten into several heated arguments about it because I just am pissed that he is sticking up for other boys and their behavior. DS at one point heard what we were arguing about and turned to DH and said 'so Daddy, am I allowed to these things to a 4 year old boy just because I am bigger?" DH just stood there and said 'no...but they aren't being mean...blah blah blah. Basically, DH is being and ASSSHOLE about it and is more concerned with DS being friends with his friends sons, despite what they do. Again, DH is an ASSSHOLE.

I never minded getting together with these families before, but as of the last 7 months I dread it because I worry about what these boys will do next to DS. No one else seems to care BUT that is because it is not happening to their sons. I mentioned something once but not so defensive and was told 'oh, they aren't malicious boys, they are all good boys.'

Right now I told DS the next time we get together and they start telling him to do something and he doesn't want to do it or they don't stop when he tells them to, that he needs to walk away from them. The funny thing is, when we are just with one family, the boys are fine with him. Get them together (which happens more often) and they gang up on him...one boy seems to be the common denominator.

Not sure what I looking for here, I think I just needed to know if I am being over protective or have the right to be pissed off at these kids right now, because I really am.

Message edited 5/30/2017 3:25:12 PM.

Looking for advice - long

I would not be happy about this either. I do not think this is normal I think they are picking on him and now hurt him. I would be livid. If my 10 year old hurt a 6 year old to the point that there was blood I would be pissed at my 10 year old too. It was intentionally done to your son, there was no accident. This is why they keep doing this because their parent is not parenting. Your poor son he must be terrified playing with these boys.

Re: Looking for advice - long

That is absolutely NOT ok. I know it's a sticky situation because these are kids of your DH's best friends, but I would seriously limit my interaction with the families - especially since the parents have a blasé attitude about the whole thing.

Looking for advice - long

I'm confused, how old is your son and how old are these boys? 6 and 10?

Re: Looking for advice - long

Looking for advice - long

If they're 10 and your son is 6, I think the main problem is in the age gap. They're at such different places developmentally.

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Re: Looking for advice - long

Looking for advice - long

Ok. Then I 100% agree with you. That is a HUGE age difference to be "friends." It's basically kindergarten to 5th grade. I am in no way siding with these boys one bit but honestly, they clearly do not want your son around, hence why they are picking on him. He's a baby to them. They absolutely should not be hurting him, which makes it worse. As his parents, I would squash it immediately. He shouldn't be with a group of ten year olds who pick on him and leave him bloody, unsupervised. Also I don't think a 6 year old should be expected to have the confidence to stand up against a group of ten year olds. Behavior aside, I think it's a very big age gap. What can they possibly relate to "as friends." I would limit interaction if it's not supervised or directed i.e., football game with the dads and kids.

Re: Looking for advice - long

They are picking on him. I would be very upset and I would tell my son not to play with them. Just because there is an age difference does not justify what is happening. They are being mean. There is the same age gap b/t my son (7) and my cousins sons (10-11), they do not pick on my son like this.

Looking for advice - long

I would separate for awhile. Your dh can go but I'd stay home. They are being malicious and yes your dh is being an asshole. Your son can very easily get hurt and that's not fair to him.

Re: Looking for advice - long

Thanks for the responses. I am glad to read that I am not overreacting.

I totally agree that there is not much in common between a 10 year old and a 6 year old, but they do not have to be mean to him.

The biggest obstacle is the friendship between all the father's. We can't just limit our time with them, because DH is close with all of them. I think I am just really angry at DH for not realizing that the other boys are wrong.

The only good thing right now is that everyone is so busy, so there is no time to get together anytime soon.

Message edited 5/30/2017 4:11:38 PM.

Re: Looking for advice - long

These kids are bullying your son and yes I would be pissed about it too. I would have DH talk to his friends about the way their boys are treating your son, or just have him go by himself to these get togethers/events if possible. Part of the problem is the parents are acting like its no big deal which is why these kids continue to do this and get away with it.

Looking for advice - long

Uggh, that sucks. How do you not teach your kid not to pick on a kid 4 years younger than them? It makes me so angry.

I would probably try to bring stuff for your son to entertain himself when things turn downhill. Bring a tablet with games, small toys he can play with alone, bring a ball and have dh take him outside to play catch (maybe dh will care more if his time with his buddies is interrupted).

Looking for advice - long

Yeah, these kids do not seem nice at all. At 10, they should know better. I think your DH really needs to talk to his friends or these kids. If he won't, can you address it with their wives? I just don't get these parents.... If my ten year old ever treated a kid like that there would be severe consequences. So frustrating and so frustrating when we aren't on the same page as our dhs about this stuff.

Re: Looking for advice - long

I think there are a few things going older kids ideally should be nicer to your son. But I am going to be honest, they likely don't want to play with a child four years younger than they are. It would be great for you if they did, or if their parents stepped in and enforced be nice rules, but they are not. You can only control your behavior. I do think you need to be there with your six year old and letting him be with the older kids unsupervised is on you. He is clearly not physically or emotionally strong enough to stand up to the bigger, older kids. Some boys like to wrestle. My son is nearly ten. He knows to treat younger kids nicely and would not stand for something like this to happen with his friends and a younger kid. He and his friends will sometimes play hockey and it does occasionally end up being a wrestling match. I know from other moms of nine and ten year old boys that occurs and is emotionally age appropriate for them. I know from my own kids that they want to close the doors to be with their own friends when we have groups of kids over. So again, I am going to say that behavior is also age appropriate where kids want to be with kids their own ages.

Now it comes to you and your kids. It is not fun being the odd man out. I do think at age six he is ok to play with the younger kids and would direct him to them, or to bring stuff specifically for him to do with you. He is not old enough to be on his own with what he is telling you.

As for your husband, I don't love his attitude. He is basically leaving the kids to you so he can be with his friends. He sounds like he is annoyed and embarrassed and deflecting the issue. I think deep down he likely wishes things were different between his friends and their kids, and his. There is no real easy answer here. I think until your son is a little bigger or perhaps in sports like baseball where all can play he is going to have a tough time. You need to be there with him since he is small. I would be upset my kid was scratched, but I think what you want is unfortunately not going to happen.

Looking for advice - long

They definitely should not be hurting your son. I do think that though that is a huge age difference from 6 to 10 and I wouldn't expect them to constantly play with my son. If you saw them once in a while then I would think that they could adapt for the day but it seems you get together often so there is really no common ground for them. Is there any reason he can't play with the girl who is his age? He would probably have more fun. I always played with my boy cousins because we were the same age and my girl cousins were 3 years younger. We always had a good time.

Re: Looking for advice - long

Message edited 5/30/2017 6:31:58 PM.

Re: Looking for advice - long

Looking for advice - long

I'm sorry but a 10 year old should know better, period. I don't care if they are older and would prefer not to hang out with a 6 year old. If it's a party or gathering here and there, their parents should remind them to suck it up and be nice for the day. It's not like the 6 year old is following them to school everyday!

If my 10 year old hurt a 6 year old to the extent that they drew blood I would be LIVID. Do they do that to their own sisters?? Or is it only okay to beat on a younger child when they are all boys? Sorry but there is a lot about this situation that makes me mad but what bothers me the most is the parent's nonchalant reaction to all this.

Re: Looking for advice - long

We have a similar situation in that we have a 10 year old cousin and a 6 year old son. While my 6 year old adores his cousin... the poor older kid sees himself as a big boy and adult vs my son as a baby. We have DS play with his girl cousin (7), which is a much better fit. The boy cousin would not abuse him... but my kids get hurt playing with him because he's not as gentle and he doesn't seem to remember having little kids around.

Re: Looking for advice - long

Looking for advice - long

I just want to point out that we see each other about every other month or so. It is not often.

I completely understand a 10 year old not wanting to hang out with a 6 year old, but they do not have to be the way they are with him. I would not tolerate it with my DS if he did ANY of the things that were done to him to a 2 year old. If he did there would have been consequences on the first incident that I heard of.

I plan on telling DS to play more with the girls and when they go off and do 'girl' stuff, have him play with something else until the girls are free again.

Re: Looking for advice - long

Who cares what the age gap is? Any child should not treat someone else like that. My son is almost 9 and plays with this 5 yr old cousin and sister all the time. Yes, sometimes he gets rough (wrestling, etc), but he would never scratch them or intentionally lock them in a dark bathroom. That's ridiculous. Those kids sound like a-holes and you are 100% right to be upset.

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