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Ambersmom
Straight up nasty
Member since 5/05 7740 total posts
Name:
Sharon
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Blu-ize
Do not accept the offer to stop collecting child support. That's crap. He's using his son as a bargaining chip.
Either he wants to move here for his son or he doesn't. If $600/mo makes or breaks his decision then he clearly cannot afford to move anywhere.
He needs to explain to your son why he lives so far away. Maybe your son needs to ask him. If the excuse is your mom is taking too much money from me then he is cruel to his son. I don't think he can handle having a child so close that he would have to see him all the time. It's a cop out.
That's exactly what I was thinking! Don't go for it...they'll be some other excuse as to why he can't come back AFTER you allow him to stop paying.
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Posted 4/24/07 10:28 AM  |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
That is terrible, on several acccounts.
First, don't give up the child support. Its for your son- not for you. You are giving up your son's right to money for the next 12 years.
Second, he is completely wrong bad-mouthing you to your son.
I would confront him calmly. I would tell him that you heard what he said, and it was inappropriate. Whatever went on between the two of you should stay between the two of you. Tell him you never badmouth your ex to your son and you expect the same from him.
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| Posted 4/24/07 10:35 AM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by Mssissy
I'm not sure how old your son is, but can you ask him about their visits and why he gets so upset when it's time to come back home?
Maybe than can help you talk to your ex.
As for him moving back to NY and NOT paying child support. I would advise not to agree to that. That has nothing to do with this problem.
Good Luck
My son is 9. I hear all the details about their visits together. He's so upset because there are usually 3-4 months between visits and he misses his Dad! He moved to CA about 4 years ago, so my son knows what it's like with him and without him in NY
Honestly I think it was extremely selfish for your ex to move all that way when he has a little boy here. Once you have a child that child is yoru responsibility forever. The responsibilities change and grow over time but to move 3000 miles away is just stupid IMO. I agree with what another poster said about letting him off the child support for a yr but after a yr it goes back into an acct for your son. Do you need the $$? If he is serious I might sacrifice extra $$ to have him back in my sons life on a regular basis.
ETA: asking if you needed the money was a hypothetical question-no need to answer  
Message edited 4/24/2007 1:55:21 PM.
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| Posted 4/24/07 1:54 PM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Also, he is asking you to make sacrifices. He is putting this all on you. Not fair. I would not succumb to these tactics. If he really wants to be with his son, he will find a way to make it happen. he need to know that's where you stand.
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| Posted 4/24/07 2:01 PM |
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MsSissy
xoxoxo
Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by melijane
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by Mssissy
I'm not sure how old your son is, but can you ask him about their visits and why he gets so upset when it's time to come back home?
Maybe than can help you talk to your ex.
As for him moving back to NY and NOT paying child support. I would advise not to agree to that. That has nothing to do with this problem.
Good Luck
My son is 9. I hear all the details about their visits together. He's so upset because there are usually 3-4 months between visits and he misses his Dad! He moved to CA about 4 years ago, so my son knows what it's like with him and without him in NY
Honestly I think it was extremely selfish for your ex to move all that way when he has a little boy here. Once you have a child that child is yoru responsibility forever. The responsibilities change and grow over time but to move 3000 miles away is just stupid IMO. I agree with what another poster said about letting him off the child support for a yr but after a yr it goes back into an acct for your son. Do you need the $$? If he is serious I might sacrifice extra $$ to have him back in my sons life on a regular basis.
ETA: asking if you needed the money was a hypothetical question-no need to answer
I understand it was a "hypothetical" question, but it's not a matter of if she needs the money, it's for their son and the father must pay this. What happens if she agrees to 1yr and after that year he decides he wants to go a little longer. She will find herself in court explaining why she agreed to this and fighting to get the child support back.
Message edited 4/24/2007 2:19:05 PM.
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| Posted 4/24/07 2:18 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Blu-ize
Do not accept the offer to stop collecting child support. That's crap. He's using his son as a bargaining chip.
I totally agree.
I wouldn't say anything to Scotty except to keep the lines of communication open. I know it's upsetting to see him crushed over this but eventually he'll "get" it when he gets older. He's a smart kid. He's not going to grow up & think "there are no jobs in NY". Maybe even consider a counselor for him. It sounds like he's taking his frustrations out on the person it is most safe to vent to.
I would say something to my ex if I thought it wouldn't escalate matters.
Stacey - I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
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| Posted 4/24/07 2:28 PM |
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SweetestOfPeas
J'taime Paris!
Member since 3/06 32345 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by prncss
Ok Stacy, now that I read what you wrote, let me say this....You are one of the best moms I have ever met. I hear you talk about your ex with Scotty when I'm around, and you are EXTREMELY diplomatic, even when I can tell it's hard for you. Scotty knows you love him, and no matter what your ex says on the phone, he's not Scotty's daily influence. You and Jim are. It must be really hard trying to handle the situation in the best way possible.
I personally think you should absolutely say something to your ex. What kind of azzhole says he'll move back if he doesn't have to pay child support? I wouldn't tell him that you overheard the conversation, I would just tell him that Scotty was very upset, and you'd appreciate if he watches what he says to him.
totally agree. how DARE he say something like that to the kids!  
Message edited 4/24/2007 2:38:47 PM.
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| Posted 4/24/07 2:38 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
Posted by Mssissy
Posted by melijane
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
Posted by Mssissy
I'm not sure how old your son is, but can you ask him about their visits and why he gets so upset when it's time to come back home?
Maybe than can help you talk to your ex.
As for him moving back to NY and NOT paying child support. I would advise not to agree to that. That has nothing to do with this problem.
Good Luck
My son is 9. I hear all the details about their visits together. He's so upset because there are usually 3-4 months between visits and he misses his Dad! He moved to CA about 4 years ago, so my son knows what it's like with him and without him in NY
Honestly I think it was extremely selfish for your ex to move all that way when he has a little boy here. Once you have a child that child is yoru responsibility forever. The responsibilities change and grow over time but to move 3000 miles away is just stupid IMO. I agree with what another poster said about letting him off the child support for a yr but after a yr it goes back into an acct for your son. Do you need the $$? If he is serious I might sacrifice extra $$ to have him back in my sons life on a regular basis.
ETA: asking if you needed the money was a hypothetical question-no need to answer
I understand it was a "hypothetical" question, but it's not a matter of if she needs the money, it's for their son and the father must pay this. What happens if she agrees to 1yr and after that year he decides he wants to go a little longer. She will find herself in court explaining why she agreed to this and fighting to get the child support back.
Well they could always have a written agreement signed and witnessed by an attorney. Honestly this is not my area of expertise as I have never dealt with child support, but I still feel her son really wants his Dad in his life and its quite apparent. This is just my opinion.
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| Posted 4/24/07 2:40 PM |
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Jessee
LIF Adult
Member since 3/06 1260 total posts
Name:
Jessee
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG)
I honestly don't think the $$ is the issue. I bet if you called your ex's bluff and told him he didn't need to pay the child support, he still wouldn't move back. From what you describe, this guy sounds like a coward who can't face his son's needs and instead of explaining his selfishness, he is using you as a scapegoat. Not fair.
I think you need to confront your ex and make clear that he is damaging his son (and your relationship with your son) by feeding him this B.S. (but calmly so it doesn't escalate). I would attempt to appeal to his good guy and approach it as if you would like to make a team effort with him to making this living arrangement easier to swallow for your son.
I'm sorry - he sounds like a real jerk
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| Posted 4/24/07 2:50 PM |
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
updated...
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| Posted 4/24/07 10:50 PM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
glad you sent the mail. I bet it made you feel better. He should apologize to your son as well.
He needs an azz kicking.
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| Posted 4/25/07 12:15 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
I'm glad he apologized. I hope he takes it one step further & clears it up with Scotty.
The last thing I think any parent should say is to keep something between them & the child to the exclusion of the other parent.
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| Posted 4/25/07 6:31 AM |
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NewYawkah
2012--A year of new beginnings
Member since 5/05 4402 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
Good for you!! I am glad he apologized!
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| Posted 4/25/07 6:40 AM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
Wow, Stacy. I'm glad to hear he apologized. But now you know to keep your ears open
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| Posted 4/25/07 6:45 AM |
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sunnyplus3
:)
Member since 11/05 8749 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
I missed your original post but just read the update.
I can TOTALLY relate to what you're going through.
I'm glad you said something, I decided a couple of months ago to stop letting the bullsh!t & bad behavior get swept under the rug. Now when it happens I make a call or send an email.
It seems like it makes it better.
My situation is different, I'm married to the ex-husband that pays child support & we get accused of bad mouthing although we never do, but we've heard it on the other end for ourselves.
My DH would NEVER leave the state or even move beyond normal driving distance. His daughter is 13 & he would never leave her here & move away.
I hope things get better now. When SD was younger her school had a group called "banana splits" that was for kids that had divorced, single or widowed families. It actually introduced SD to other kids w/similar situations. She always thought she was the only kid with divorced parents.
Maybe your sons' school has a group he can go to & talk to other kids that may have parents far away?
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| Posted 4/25/07 6:57 AM |
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Tracey
***********
Member since 5/05 6297 total posts
Name:
Tracey - brideinapril
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
I am very happy to hear that he actually apologized. Hopefully that is a step in the right direction!
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| Posted 4/25/07 8:48 AM |
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Lauren
Very Happy!
Member since 10/06 3917 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
I am just reading your post now with the update and I think you did the right thing.
I don't know if you caught Larry King Live last night, but he had on Stephen Baldwin and the entire hour they were discussing what happened with Alec Baldwin and his daughter with that phone message.
They had a few specialists on, including DR Phil, and he said that no matter what happens between a mother and a father, they should never put the burden on the children. Children always find a way to blame things on themselves - an example - if mom and dad are fighting about money, the kid would go to their room and say "well, if I didn't ask for 11.50 for my school pictures, maybe things would be ok". This is how kids rationalize because it's their own reality.
I think it was wrong of your ex to put the burden of that kind of information (or misinformation) on your child.
I think you handled it great. I am sorry you have to go thru this.
Lauren
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| Posted 4/25/07 9:32 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
Posted by Scotty-CassidysMom
UPDATE-
Well, I couldn't not say something, it was bothering me so much. So, I sent him an email last night saying what I had heard, and how I was very disappointed and felt that I deserved the same respect that I gave to him...not to put our son in the middle, yadda, yadda, yadda....and he actually APOLOGIZED! I almost 
Anyway, I'm glad I said something. I don't know that it'll actually change anything, but hopefully he'll think twice before saying things to my son that he shouldn't.
Thank you all soo much for your responses. I really appreciate it
That's great! I'm so happy to hear that he did the right thing.  to you for handling the situation in a mature and diplomatic manner.
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| Posted 4/25/07 9:34 AM |
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IrishTracy
Believe!!
Member since 5/05 15167 total posts
Name:
Tracy
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Re: Looking for honest answers (LONG) *UPDATED*
Glad to hear you went with your gut feeling. Let's hope he learns from his mistake!
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| Posted 4/25/07 9:48 AM |
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